Peace is the skillful management of conflict.
Two old farmers bought property next to each other. One of the farmer’s hens wandered under the fence onto the other farmer’s property. After laying an egg, the hen wandered back home. The farmer looked out his window and saw his hen coming back. He went out to the fence and saw the egg. Just as he started to move forward and pick up the egg, the other farmer came to the fence, grabbed the egg, turned, and walked away.
“Excuse me, that’s my egg. My hen wandered onto your property and laid that egg.”
“I can see that,” the other farmer said. “The egg is on my property, so it’s now my egg.”
“I don’t think so,” the farmer insisted. “It’s my hen, so it’s my egg.”
“Look, where I come from we have a way to settle disputes. We take turns punching each other in the stomach twenty times. The first one to say ‘Uncle’ has to let the other person keep the egg.”
“That’s fair,” the farmer with the hen replied. “Let’s do it.”
The other farmer said, “Okay, I’ll go first.” He held the egg in one hand and proceeded to punch his neighbor twenty times in the stomach with his other hand. His neighbor groaned and grimaced with every punch, but took all twenty. He took a deep breath and said, “Okay, now it’s my turn.” He rolled up his sleeves and took a step forward. The farmer with the egg extended his hand with the egg and said, “Uncle! You can have your stupid egg!”
That’s not exactly the best way to resolve conflict, but, unfortunately, people don’t always resolve conflict in the healthiest manner. What exactly is conflict? Noah Webster defined conflict as:
• Fight; battle; struggle
• Sharp disagreement or opposition, as of interests, ideas, etc.
• Emotional disturbance resulting from a clash of impulses in a person
Other definitions include:
• Competitive or opposing action of incompatibilities
• Antagonistic state or action (as of divergent ideas, interests, or persons)
• Struggle resulting from incompatible needs, drives, wishes or demands
• Hostile encounter
POINT TO PONDER
Conflict alternately strokes and crushes our egos, fuels and exhausts our will, energizes us and freezes us in fear. It speaks to a deep, ancient part of our soul that thirsts for power and delights in revenge.
KENNETH CLOKE
Conflict Comes in Many Forms
To be alive is to face conflict. It begins when we leave our mother’s warm and comfortable womb. The doctor swats us on our bottom and we are shocked as we gasp our first breath of air. Various forms of conflict follow us through childhood, adulthood, and on to the grave. It’s been suggested that by the time we’re in our mid-sixties, we’ve spent several thousand hours in some form of conflict. It’s all part of the human experience.
Conflict is quite normal, natural, and to be expected when people live and work together. It doesn’t necessarily mean that one person or a group of people is bad and the other person or group is good. It doesn’t mean that the motivations on one side are negative and the other side’s are positive. Conflict occurs when people…
• care about an issue.
• disagree about an issue.
• misunderstand each other about an issue.
If you lived on an island by yourself, you could do anything your heart desired. You could run around in your birthday suit in freedom and throw sand into the air. There would be no one to complain about your behavior. But if I moved onto the island with you, there would be conflict. Your freedom ends where my nose begins. I might have different needs, drives, and wishes. I might have a conflict with you on values, beliefs, and interests. As more people move onto the island, there is more potential for conflict.
Conflict may occur when there are unclear jurisdictions of responsibilities and authority. When boundaries are fuzzy, people often wander into other people’s territory. Role definitions may overlap. Job descriptions may not be clearly outlined…or followed.
Conflict may occur when two individuals or groups have the same interest in mind. They may need the same resources. The resources may be limited, so one individual or group won’t be able to reach their goals.
Conflict may occur when there are communication barriers. There may be little or no communication taking place. This may be caused by time difficulties or the restraint of distance. Communication may simply be unclear so misunderstandings arise.
Conflict may occur when people or groups of people are dependent on others for the accomplishment of their tasks. They must rely on other people’s performance. If others don’t follow through, the project may be damaged, altered, or uncompleted.
Conflict may occur when different levels of authority are involved. When chain-of-command isn’t followed, disruption may occur. Jurisdictional disputes may create many disagreements. Various levels of power may cause tension, fear, and anger.
Conflict may occur when decisions have to be made by a group of people. This type of discussion requires conflict resolution skills. Each of the parties may be at a different level and ability in making decisions and handling disagreements productively.
Conflict may occur when there must be a consensus among the parties involved. It’s often difficult to get everyone in a group to agree on a subject or solution. And if the group decides on a particular course of action, not everyone may support the action with full participation.
Conflict may occur when there is an excess of regulations. When rules and regulations are imposed, it’s a natural human tendency to rebel or resent those rules. New policies and procedures are seldom received with open arms. Change is difficult for most people. It’s been said that the only one who likes change is a newborn baby.
Conflict may occur due to a history of prior unresolved conflicts between the parties. The trust level may be extremely low. People may not want to commit themselves to another situation where they might be hurt or embarrassed. Broken commitments take time to be overcome. A Chinese proverb says, “Trust, like fine china, once broken can be repaired…but it is never quite the same.”
Conflict may occur when selfishness is involved. An unwillingness to negotiate, compromise, or work together can turn minor conflicts into war. Individuals are only concerned about their own welfare or interests and destroy family or business unity. The welfare of individuals or groups takes a backseat to their own interests.
POINT TO PONDER
Chronic conflicts are systemic, and all systems, be they personal, familial, relational, organizational, social, economic, or political, defend themselves against change, even when it is essential for their survival. Thus, the greater the need for change and the deeper the potential transformation, the greater the resistance, the more intense the conflict, and the more difficult it becomes to even imagine resolving or letting it go.
KENNETH CLOKE
Conflict may occur when different social styles become frustrated with the behaviors of other social styles. Someone may not be making decisions fast enough for someone else. They may not be thinking through their decisions and realizing the conflict that their fuzzy thinking might cause. Differences in behavior inevitably cause conflict.
Conflict seems to break down into four major areas:
1. Misunderstanding and poor communication of information
2. Diversities of values, goals, expectations, interests, and a multitude of different opinions
3. Competition over time, money, resources, and survival instincts
4. Sinful or socially unacceptable attitudes, habits, words, or behaviors
FOUR TERRIBLE TRUTHS ABOUT CONFLICT
As you can see, there are many causes for conflict. There are also many perceptions about conflict. Some people see conflict as negative, while others see it as positive. Your family of origin and past patterns of thinking certainly play roles in how you deal with conflict today.
The goals of this guide are to help you:
• understand what causes conflict
• discover and use conflict-resolution skills
• settle differences and issues constructively
• realize the necessity of forgiveness
• reconcile relationships
• develop effective methods for dealing with future conflicts
First, examine the lists that follow and evaluate your assumptions about conflict.
Your Assumptions About Conflict
In the following lists, note the options that most clearly represent your present views toward conflict.
The Dirty Dozen
• Anxiety
• Disagreement
• Tension
• Competition
• Threat
• Alienation
• Pain
• Anger
• Hostility
• Destruction
• Heartache
• War
The Healthy Dozen
• Exciting
• Strengthening
• Opportunity
• Enriching
• Helpful
• Clarifying
• Stimulating
• Courageous
• Creative
• Growth producing
• Learning experience
• Relationship building
What Is Causing My Conflict?
• Anger and yelling
• Child-rearing differences
• Communication barriers
• Conflict with peers
• Delay in decision making
• Difficulties with relatives
• Disagreement with boss
• Failure of others to perform
• Hurtful comments
• Lack of spiritual harmony
• Low trust level
• Marital arguments
• Misunderstanding
• Negative attitude
• Not keeping commitments
• Not listening
• Overspending
• Physical abuse
• Procrastination
• Sarcastic comments
• Selfishness
• Silence and shunning
• Unclear jurisdictions and responsibilities
• Understaffed and limited resources
• Unforgiveness
• Unfounded rumors
• Unwillingness to negotiate
• Other
• Litigation
• Strikes
• Reduced productivity
• Poor morale
• Wasted time
• Lost customers
• Destructive battles
• Stifling rules
• Broken relationships
• Jobs lost
• Reputations ruined
• Marriages broken
• Families destroyed
• Countries at war
How Were You Taught to Deal with Conflict?
Note familiar phrases from your past.
• Stop it.
• Knock it off.
• Act your age.
• Life’s not fair.
• Don’t hit others.
• Just ignore them.
• Stop your fighting.
• Don’t rock the boat.
• Be a man and fight back.
• Knock each other silly.
• You’re driving me nuts.
• You’d better stop it or else.
• Pick on someone your own size.
• Stop that or you’ll get a spanking.
• Good boys/girls don’t act like that.
• Nice boys/girls don’t say things like that.
• Don’t talk to me like that, young man/young lady.
• If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.
• Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.
• Other
Our past conditioning may play a large role in our conflict resolution skills. If we have been conditioned to think that all conflict is bad and should be avoided, we’ll most likely do so. If we’ve been conditioned to “bite our tongues,” we’ll often just smile and not say what we really feel.
There are many myths and misconceptions about conflict. In the next section, we’ll look at some of these myths and how to recondition our thinking regarding conflict.