POINT TO PONDER
Every conflict we face in life is rich with positive and negative potential. It can be a source of inspiration, enlightenment, learning, transformation, and growth—or rage, fear, shame, entrapment, and resistance. The choice is not up to our opponents, but to us, and our willingness to face and work through them.
KENNETH CLOKE
Seventeen years of conflict is a long time. It started a few years after we were married. Like many young couples, we had our struggles financially. Fortunately, we had enough money for a down payment on a home. We were in our house for a few years when an opportunity to increase our income came along.
We had a friend who owned a building company that was growing rapidly. He shared with us that it was a good time to join with him because the housing market was booming. He told us it was a safe investment because our names would be on the land development along with his. And even, if for some reason, the market would slow down, at least we could hold on to the land until the market began to grow again.
After some consideration, we took out a second loan on our home and invested it in his company. And then it happened. He overextended himself in the home building and land development business. We soon realized our investment was in a little danger. However, we knew that not all would be lost because at least our names were on the land title.
Now, you can probably guess the rest. He hadn’t been honest with us, and our names weren’t registered as owners of the land as he’d indicated. We were devastated. Now we were forced to pay on a first and a second mortgage on our home. This was in addition to raising a family and all that goes along with that responsibility.
Since I didn’t believe in bankruptcy, I had to work two jobs to pay for the expenses incurred in our land investment. And I wasn’t alone. Many other people were also talked into investing in the same land development project. Over four million dollars was lost because of dishonest commitments and business mismanagement.
It took seventeen years to pay back the second loan on our home. Every month for seventeen years I was reminded of that business conflict with a friend who had misled many people. The principle and interest on the loan ended up costing our family nearly double our original investment. Not only was I harboring ill feelings toward him, but I was also mad at myself for being sucked into such a situation. I often reminded myself of the adage, “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
POINT TO PONDER
We can disagree forever about what happened in the past, or about who said and did what to whom, or who did it first, or who was most at fault. None of this will get us anywhere.
KENNETH CLOKE
Over the years, I’ve counseled many people who were dealing with disputes and conflicts. I’m reminded of Carl, who worked for a large company. He was one of the executives who was responsible for purchasing products for his organization. Often he would have deadlines that had to be kept to keep customers happy. On many occasions, he would approach the CEO of the company with requests to buy supplies. He would explain to his boss that there was a short time frame to meet the deadline, and he needed the “go ahead” to purchase the items. What frustrated Carl was that his boss would not or could not make a quick decision. Carl asked me, “How do I approach my boss and tell him he’s holding up a large area of the business because he can’t make a decision? I’ve mentioned it to him on several occasions, and all there is from his office is silence. What am I supposed to do?”
Another client, Janice, was on the verge of tears as she came into my office. She said, “I know when you get married you not only marry your spouse but you also marry his family. It’s the family I’m struggling with. Especially Jose’s mother. She’s a very strong and highly opinionated woman. At family gatherings, she’ll often get upset. She lets everyone know it with her body language and what she says. Everyone is uncomfortable and guarded when she’s around. She’s constantly putting Jose down in front of people. He’s my husband, and I don’t like her attacks and negative spirit. I can’t take it anymore. I’m about ready to explode and let her have it, but I think she’ll just have one of her temper tantrums. If you get on her bad side, she’ll just write you off. She’s a huge grudge holder. I feel like I would like to move to another city to get away from her.”
When one of her best friends told her off, Melinda was devastated. She’d been the secretary at a large church when she was approached by several women who admitted having affairs with the pastor. Some of the elders of the church had heard the same information from other sources, so they asked Melinda if she knew anything about the situation. She admitted she did and told the elders what she knew.
At some point, Melinda’s best friend discovered that Melinda had talked with the elders. Her friend Cari was furious. Cari was a strong supporter of the pastor and thought that Melinda was just spreading gossip and rumors. Cari unloaded her anger on Melinda. Their relationship was severely damaged.
Later, when it became known to the congregation that the pastor had, indeed, been having a number of affairs, Melinda’s role in answering to the elders was justified, but her relationship with Cari wasn’t repaired. Melinda was hurt and angry over the unjustified attack by her friend. “I don’t know if I can forgive her for the terrible things she said to me.”
Glen and Sherry had been married for less than a year when they came in for counseling. It was like pulling teeth to get them to share their trouble. Both of them came from family backgrounds where conflict between their parents was never resolved. Everyone in both of their homes hated any form of conflict. No one would deal with any disagreements. They would just become silent and not talk about it. Somehow, they figured, it would eventually go away.
Glen and Sherry carried into their marriage the same modeling they’d learned from their parents. Their silence had grown to such a proportion that they didn’t even sleep in the same room. I finally had to see them separately to get to the root of their issues. They couldn’t deal with even mild confrontation together.
On the other hand, I’m reminded of Paula and Jason. They were anything but silent. On one occasion, Paula and Jason were at the home of Jason’s parents. Something happened where Paula told off Jason’s parents in no uncertain terms. She then stormed out, slammed the door, and went home.
Jason’s parents said, “You can’t let your wife talk to us that way. You’re the head of the house.” Jason went home. When he came in the door, he yelled, “You can’t yell and talk to my parents that way!” Paula proceeded to tell Jason off with even more gusto.
Jason got angry and hauled off and hit Paula in the face. She staggered backward and hit the wall in their dining room. She fell to the floor. She got up and ran into the kitchen, which was next to the dining room. Jason followed quickly after her.
When Jason came around the corner, he slipped and fell on the kitchen floor. It was sort of like a dog coming around a corner with its paws slipping and sliding on the linoleum.
At this point Paula grabbed a butcher knife and jumped onto Jason’s chest. She put the knife to his throat, drawing a little blood from the point. “You move, you bleep, bleep, bleep, and I’ll kill you.”
Paula was quite capable of doing what she threatened to do. It was one of the first times in their marriage where there was very clear communication.
Conflict can come from your spouse, your children, your parents, your relatives, your close friends, and your acquaintances. It can expand to your neighbors, your boss, your fellow workers. Even store clerks, police, or crazy drivers on the road generate situations for tension. You can even experience intrapersonal conflict, where you’re not happy with your own thinking, emotions, or behavior.
Conflict can arise from natural causes, such as fire, flood, earthquakes, and tornados. Health issues, accidents, and drunk drivers create situations that are difficult to live with. Various forms of crime give rise to conflicting experiences.
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Conflict can lead to anger, fear, bitterness, resentment, and emotional and physical abuse. Sometimes conflict is used as a smokescreen to hide our weaknesses. We use conflict to divert people away from our poor behavior. In conflict we can blame others and not accept responsibility for our actions. Conflict helps us believe we are on the righteous side of the issue at hand.
POINT TO PONDER
Conflict makes us feel righteous by encouraging us to believe we are opposing evil behaviors and rewarding those that are good. Our opponents’ pernicious actions justify us in giving them what they “rightly deserve.”
KENNETH CLOKE
We can use conflict to give us “the right” to be angry, retaliate, and get even. Or conflict can help us grow in empathy, honesty, and acceptance. Each conflict we work to resolve gives us more skills for handling future conflicts.
POINT TO PONDER
Holding on to a painful past merely draws it into the present; reduces the likelihood of having a different future; and denies you resolution, closure, and inner peace.
KENNETH CLOKE