Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict the more glorious the triumph.
Approaching conflict is a very delicate process. While confrontation is positive and healthy if done correctly, it can be detrimental if done poorly. Careful consideration should be made when confronting another person on a conflict issue. If your tendency is to avoid a confrontation, try to resist that. Step out of your comfort zone to confront the conflicts in your life. If your tendency is to confront conflict head-on without much consideration of the process, resist this tendency and think through some of the important factors before confronting.
Pick the Right Plan
There is no single, perfect plan for every conflict situation you’ll encounter. There are, however, principles that will assist you in confrontation and conflict resolution. Your desire is to seek out the most effective principles and apply them to your situation. It may require a mixing, matching, and combination of approaches. This book is designed to give you those tools. It’s important to understand social styles and how everyone is unique in approaching conflict. Methods of conflict reduction, studies of body language, and listening skills can be combined to make conflict resolution more productive.
The term “social styles” refers to a person’s natural inclinations inherited from his or her parents. This is sometimes referred to as “temperament.” “Personality” is a little different. That’s how a person expresses his or her inherited social style. “Character” is the quality of the individual’s personality and can be affected by morals, values, and ethics.
The social style concept focuses on actual displayed behaviors rather than motivations behind behavior. Most of us judge ourselves by our intentions; however, when it comes to others, we judge by words and deeds. When we disagree with someone else’s words and behavior or they disagree with ours, conflict arises.
Social style research indicates there are four basic types: Analyticals, Drivers, Amiables, and Expressives. The following charts offer quick overviews of what the four social styles find valuable and what they find annoying.
| ANALYTICALS | |
| WHAT THEY VALUE | WHAT ANNOYS THEM |
| Security | Inaccuracy |
| Accuracy | Incompetence |
| Stability | Change |
| Rules and regulations | Aggressiveness |
| Quality | Shouting |
| Structure | Evasiveness |
| Efficiency | Mediocrity |
| Facts | Inadequacy |
| Competence | Exaggeration |
| Details | Invasiveness |
| Tradition | Clutter |
| Critical thinking | Disorganization |
| Organization | Clamor |
| Logic | Hastiness |
| AMIABLES | |
| WHAT THEY VALUE | WHAT ANNOYS THEM |
| Contribution | Conflict |
| Comfort | Impatience |
| Compassion | Disrespect |
| Cooperation | Discourteousness |
| Friendliness | Insensitivity |
| Peacefulness | Harshness |
| Loyalty | Rushing |
| Approval | Pressure |
| Cohesiveness | Tension |
| Trust | Controversy |
| Kindness | Disharmony |
| Relationships | Yelling |
| Benevolence | Pushiness |
| Coaching | Rudeness |
Each social style has a general response to conflict. Analyticals will withdraw in an attempt to save face and think through the problem. They avoid and dodge undesirable situations and are annoyed by people who come on too strong.
Drivers attempt to control the person or situation. They tend to impose their thoughts and opinion on others in the midst of conflict. If they feel they are losing control, they tend to over-control to compensate. They are very strong-willed and can be demanding in conflict.
Amiables will give in to avoid confrontation. They don’t feel conflict is worth it. They would rather save the relationship, even if it hurts them. Amiables appear to be in agreement on the outside, but they may be resentful on the inside.
Expressives will attack in the midst of conflict. They may use condemnations and put-downs to discredit others. They have very strong emotions and feelings, and they’ll let others know exactly what they think. Expressives can chew others out, and they have a tendency to raise their voices when conflict escalates.
This chart shows the four usual responses to conflict by social style.
| RESPONSES TO CONFLICT BY SOCIAL STYLE | |
| Analyticals—Withdraw They tend to become less assertive, more controlled, hold in feelings, don’t share ideas. Basically they avoid, dodge, escape, and retreat from other people and/or undesirable situations. |
Drivers—Dominate They tend to become over-assertive, unbending, over-controlling, and demanding. Strong-willed, they attempt to impose their thoughts and feelings on others. |
| Amiables—Give In They tend to give in to keep the peace and reduce conflict. They appear to agree with others when inside they disagree. They strongly desire to save the relationship even if it hurts themselves. |
Expressives—Attack They tend to emotionally attack others and their ideas, using condemnations and put-downs. Expressives have strong emotions and reveal how they feel about things. |
Responding to Each Social Style During Conflict
As you can see, each social style responds differently to conflict, especially when they feel like their backs are against the wall. You’ll have your own unique response as well, which may escalate the conflict. Learning to respond to each social style’s general responses in conflict will help reduce tension and go a long way toward resolving the problem.
Responding to the “Withdrawing Analytical”
As observed earlier, Analyticals tend to withdraw from conflict to save face. They want to deal with the problem alone, with a minimum amount of interaction with others. They need time to think about the problem, situation, or relationship. They need as much information as possible in order to deal effectively with their distress.
Don’t keep pushing Analyticals for a response or insist on their increased participation before they have adequate time to think. They need time and space, so give it to them. Since Analyticals are by nature systematic, make sure you approach their problem with a step-by-step solution. Help them set up a plan to gather more problem-solving data to consider. Ask them for a special time to discuss the matter after they’ve had time to think it through.
If you’re an Expressive or a Driver, your natural tendency is to tell not ask. If you want to reduce conflict with an Analytical, practice patience. Speak softer, slower, and ask questions. “What ideas do you have for a solution?” “How do you feel about doing A, B, and C?” When you approach them with a step-by-step solution for review, you are talking their language.
Responding to the “Dominating Driver”
Drivers feel like they have lost control in conflict situations, leaving them with no personal choices. The tension they feel drives them to get something accomplished, and they may attempt to regain control by over-controlling.
Don’t try to compete with Drivers or match force with force because competition is their specialty. Don’t argue or debate with them. They can verbally shred you to pieces in a matter of seconds. Don’t back down from them either, even when they come on strong. Drivers respect people who hold their ground, even if that person disagrees with the position of the Driver. They just don’t want you attempting to persuade them to abandon their own position.
When in the midst of conflict with Drivers, don’t inundate them with too much detail or take too long to get to the point. They will get very irritated and cut you off to get something accomplished. Try to redirect the strong energies of the Driver toward positive goals, achievements, and actions that you can support. Drivers appreciate goals and the freedom to choose their own methods of reaching those goals. Help them decide on a goal and a path for reaching that goal. Attempting to control Drivers will cause more conflict and cause them to over-control.
Responding to the “Give In” Amiable
Amiables will always appear to be in agreement during a conflict. They’ll try to maintain relationships at all costs, even personal hurt. A gentleman approached me after a seminar and said, “I realize now that my wife was an Amiable. We never really fought because as soon as we would get into conflict, she would always agree with me. It always seemed like everything was fine. She saw things my way, and we got along great. So I thought. After eleven years, I came home one day and all her stuff was packed and she was gone. She left a note saying she couldn’t take it anymore. All along I thought we were doing just fine. But she was miserable and didn’t want to rock the boat. I wish I knew then what I know now.”
A sign of compliance and agreement by an Amiable is not a sign of commitment. They often have inner turmoil they don’t want to share. They fear backlash or continued conflict if they share what they really think. Consequently, they simply agree with the person they’re in conflict with and give in.
If you’re in conflict with an Amiable, don’t push them for a response. Amiables don’t appreciate people who come on too strong. Don’t express anger or raise your voice. Don’t argue or insist on your way. This will only push them deeper into their pattern of acquiescence as they struggle to save the relationship. Instead, encourage them to share their feelings. Ask them for constructive criticism regarding the conflict. If they get the courage to tell you, don’t make them sorry they did. Don’t belittle them or negate their input or you may never get it again.
Amiables like to feel they’re needed and can help others out. Tell them you would like to work on the conflict situation, but you need some concrete suggestions from them. Work side-by-side with them through the problem-solving steps they suggest. Establish some form of evaluation process. They’ll respond cautiously, so move slowly and be patient.
Responding to the “Attacking Expressive”
Expressives become very selfish, emotional, and assertive when their backs are against the wall. They’ll vent their feelings by attacking the situation and the people involved. They won’t hesitate to tell you what they really think—and they’ll do it with gusto.
Don’t evaluate the emotional outburst of an Expressive. It won’t help to intellectually defend yourself either. Don’t let Expressives draw you into their tantrums. Don’t try to out-shout an Expressive because you’ll most likely lose. Listen sympathetically and accept their emotions without getting emotionally involved yourself.
Let them get their emotions out of their systems. If you block the venting of the Expressives, you may provoke an even greater explosion. Once they get their emotions off their chests, you can help them focus on creative alternatives for handling problems in the future. You might try something like, “Now that you’ve shared your feelings about it, how are we going to handle this problem the next time it comes up?” Expressives are creative individuals. Once they move out of the negative behaviors, they’ll return to their positive dispositions.
For an easy-to-read, in-depth study of social styles, check out How to Deal with Annoying People: What to Do When You Can’t Avoid Them, by Bob Phillips and Kimberly Alyn (Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers, 2011).
Pick the Right Motivation
Determine in your mind to take the principled approach to resolving conflict. Attempt to remain friends with anyone you face in a conflict situation. This may not be possible in every case, but it certainly should be the goal.
Determine in your mind to not strike back and get revenge. Making threats or demands will not bring resolution. It will only create more conflict. “Digging in” and becoming inflexible seldom solve anything and lead to separation.
Determine in your mind to be the “change agent” in the conflict situation. Don’t wait for the other person to make the first move. You make it. Sitting around waiting for the other person to change equals no change at all. You need to control your part in the conflict. Face it, own it, and deal with it. Avoiding conflict and confrontation makes the situation worse. Families are disrupted, organizations suffer, and personal effectiveness is reduced. Positive confrontation is a sign of caring.
Determine in your mind to develop a thick skin. Don’t take everything so personally. Relax. Ease up. Chill out a little. A little humor might be what is needed. Someone said, “We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do.”
Determine in your mind to allow the other person to save face. Don’t go for the throat. Public humiliation isn’t necessary. There is no reason to place a scarlet “C” on their forehead to let everyone know they are a carrier of conflict. Grow up. Be mature. Be the bigger person.
Picking the Right Time
The following principles are helpful to keep in mind when considering the timing of a confrontation meeting.
Poor Timing
Poor timing…
• rushes the other party. It takes them off guard and doesn’t give them time to think.
• pushes the other party to respond. It reduces their ability to respond in fairness, with full disclosure, and with openness.
• catches the other party when they may be emotionally weak, physically tired, encountering an illness, or when they are under time constraints.
• forces the other party to respond negatively, especially if the confrontation takes place in a public setting where embarrassment may occur or private information is made public.
Poor timing is initiated when a person wants to catch the other in a surprise attack. This verbal ambush can be a way to get revenge and cause hurt. It’s selfish to blurt out grievances any time you feel like it. Wise King Solomon said, “Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances” (Proverbs 25:11 NASB).
Good Timing—The Sooner the Better
As a rule, it’s not good to let too much time go by between the conflict and the confrontation. By dealing with the conflict immediately, you have the best opportunity to resolve it. As time goes on, good options for resolution begin to diminish. Dealing with the problem as soon as possible is best. First, it lets you deal with issues while they’re fresh in your mind. Second, it helps to lessen the build-up of hurt or animosity that might be generated over a period of time. How long do you usually wait? What has been the pattern of how and when you face people you have conflicts with?
You might consider dealing with a conflict issue within four hours or up to twenty-four hours from the occurrence. This provides time to think through the situation and allows for unforeseen interruptions that might transpire. There might be circumstances that create a need for extending the time before the confrontation. However, the idea is to do it on the sooner side rather than the later side. The apostle Paul, speaking to husbands and wives who were encountering conflict, said, “Don’t let the sun go down with you still angry—get over it quickly” (Ephesians 4:26).
When You’re Feeling Good
Determine the best time for your schedule and the pressures you’re facing. It’s not good to go into a heavy discussion when you’re not feeling good physically. It’s better to approach the other party when you’re rested and your stress level is low.
Set a Date
For some meetings, it’s good to set a specific time and date. This helps you get organized in your thinking and get prepared in your presentation. It also helps to reduce the emotional component that will be present in your discussion. By having an agreed-on time, both parties involved will have an opportunity to think about the meeting beforehand.
There will be occasions when it won’t be possible to set a specific date for the meeting. You may have to wait for the right moment and opportunity to approach the individual. In this case it’s important to be prepared. You would be wise to map out or outline the items that need to be discussed. When the right moment comes, you’ll be ready to share your thoughts and not be caught off guard.
Listen to Your Heart
Sometimes you may not be sure when it’s the right time to talk with someone. What do you do in that case? Get organized with what you want to share. Have it well-rehearsed in your mind. Then relax. Wait patiently. The right moment will eventually come. You’ll know it’s the right moment when you find yourself alone with the person you need to talk to. Your heart will race a little faster and you’ll ask yourself, Is this the right time? When you find that you can’t hold back your thoughts and you have to speak, it will be the right time. Trust your gut.
“But what if the right time doesn’t come?” you ask. Still trust your gut. When you find you must have the issue resolved, you may need to take the initiative. Go ahead. It will be all right. Remember, you have prepared for this meeting.
POINT TO PONDER
We all know that it takes time to resolve organizational disputes, yet it also takes time to not resolve them. If we count up the time and money we routinely spend on unresolved conflicts, it is nearly always far in excess of the time and money it would take to sit down and work out solutions.
KENNETH CLOKE
The ideal location for confrontation is neutral territory. Remember, in most sports activities the home team has the advantage. The same is true in heavy or difficult discussions. Whoever’s turf the confrontation takes place on has a slight advantage. Resolving the conflict will be easiest on neutral ground. A local restaurant is a good idea. Talking over issues in public often keeps emotions from rising to an unproductive level. Neutral ground might also be a park bench or going for a walk and talking. Discussing issues on a walk is very effective. Walking lets off a lot of nervous energy that might be present. It doesn’t require continued eye contact, which is sometimes difficult. It also helps both parties focus on the decision of moving forward. It’s almost like discussing a third-party issue that is in front of them. Many husbands and wives find that this is a positive and productive way to talk over disagreements.
I have a friend who had to meet with some very dissatisfied customers. They were upset about a procedure that had taken place which caused disruption in their company. He and his assistant met them in a room with a large, long table. They sat on one side of the table and the two unhappy customers sat on the other side. Then one of the unhappy men got up and went to a chalkboard. He picked up an eraser and walked to the far end of the table and set it down.
He returned to his seat and sat down. He pointed to the eraser and said, “You see, that’s our problem. Let’s talk about it.” The use of the eraser to represent the issue or problem was an effective way to objectify the discussion and keep the discussion from becoming filled with personal attacks.
Some issues can’t be discussed in public. They must be dealt with on strictly a private level. Some matters need eye-to-eye contact. And in a less-than-perfect world, we’re not always able to choose neutral territory. In these cases, go ahead and make the best of the conversation regardless of where you happen to be.
What do you do if you’re caught in a situation where it’s the wrong time and the wrong place? Take a deep breath. Decide to be mature and controlled. Assess what the real issue is. Listen carefully to what is being said, and read the emotions behind it. Try not to take it too personally and lose perspective. And rise to the occasion with a respectful response.
A number of years ago, I was in a hotel lobby with a group of friends. One of the individuals in the group wasn’t happy with what the group wanted to do. He’d made plans for the day for the entire group without asking them. When he shared his planned schedule with the group, they weren’t excited about it. They wanted to take the day’s activities in another direction.
At this point, the individual threw an adult temper tantrum in the hotel lobby. He raised his voice and made accusations. He put people down. He created a scene that drew the attention of everyone in the vicinity. We were all embarrassed and caught off guard. He made his final closing statement and was about to stomp off.
With a louder voice than usual, I said, “Oh no you don’t! You don’t create a public scene and just walk off. We’re going to stay right here and finish this discussion.” Everyone in the group turned and looked at me. You can well believe that everyone in the lobby was really interested now. The stage was definitely set for confrontation.
If this particular conflict would have been allowed to occur in public and not be addressed when it happened, the individual would have believed he could say anything and then just retreat. He would continue to use his manipulative “hit and run” behavior as a scare tactic. The mature thing was to confront the behavior that was unacceptable. In most situations, I prefer to talk with people in a private setting. However, we don’t always have that luxury. You can mark it down as a general rule that if someone makes an issue public, you have to deal with the issue publicly.
POINT TO PONDER
Every conflict contains at least three paths:
1. One moving backward toward impasse, enmity, and adversarial relationships.
2. One moving forward toward resolution, respect, and collaborative relationships.
3. One moving deeper into the heart of the conflict toward evolution and learning, transformation and transcendence.
KENNETH CLOKE
Pick the Right Goal
In any attempt to resolve conflict, it’s important to pick the right goal. How would you like to see the discussion end? What outcome would be best for all parties involved? What would be the ideal solution?
It’s also important to enter the confrontation with a positive outcome in mind. Your attitude will play a significant part in the resolution encounter. If you enter the confrontation with the desire to hurt the other party, that will probably occur. If you desire to get revenge, you most likely will. If you want to let the other party know you’re mad, you will succeed.
The best approach is to enter the confrontation with the desire to see positive change. You can be positive even if the other person is negative. You can help set the tone for mutual resolution. Remember, you will reap what you sow.
What changes would you like to see in the situation or between the people involved? Have you heard the adage, “If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time”? It’s true. A fuzzy goal or objective will end in a fuzzy resolution.
In determining your goals, you first need to understand that everything might not work out the way you desire. You may have to make some adjustments in your thinking and develop alternatives or backup plans. You might consider making three lists. The first list is ideal resolution results you’d like to see. The second list focuses on the things you might not totally like but would accept. This could include things you’d be willing to give up and things you’d change for the other party. The third list is your bottom line. What things will you not give up? What things will you fight for? What things will put your back against the wall?
Once you’ve established some guidelines for your confrontation, you can take steps to resolve the conflict. The next factor to consider are the words you’ll use when you initiate the confrontation. The next chapter provides some practical tools for choosing your words carefully.
POINT TO PONDER
In our experience, there are five widespread, chronic sources of workplace and organizational conflict:
1. A lack of clear and courageous leadership
2. A lack of agreement over values, vision, mission, and goals
3. A lack of clarity regarding roles and responsibilities
4. A lack of support for collaboration and participation in decision-making over issues that are important in people’s lives
5. A lack of equality and fairness in the distribution of resources and pay
KENNETH CLOKE
* Merrill and Reid, Personal Styles and Effective Performance (CRC Press, 1981), as noted in Bolton and Bolton, “Social Style/Management Style” (Amacom, 1984).
