| |
On Linda’s second morning at the Katama Lodge and Wellness Spa, she awoke just past five and tip-toed her way to the small window to peer out across Katama Bay. Hers was the smallest of the available Lodge rooms, with a window the size of an A4 piece of paper. Even still, the soft glow of approaching dawn eased through the glass and lifted her spirits. Every moment away from Manhattan seemed to lift her spirits. Her skin seemed smoother, her joints looser. When she asked her mind to replay images of DENISE or her rent-controlled apartment, she struggled with accuracy. She seemed eternally focused in the present, for once.
Nancy Remington’s six a.m. yoga session had been far down on Linda’s list of to-dos. Yoga seemed a trend for the “younger generation,” something that would make her already-aching back ache more. But now, she found herself slipping into a pair of leggings and a light t-shirt and heading into the hallway, on the hunt for this apparently “soul-healing” extravaganza. She’d already come all the way to the Vineyard. She might as well lean into life at the Lodge.
The other women lined up outside the yoga studio were in their twenties, thirties, and forties. Linda felt bland and tired-looking when compared to them. A woman in her forties greeted her with a soft, “Good morning!” Linda forced a smile in return. As she attempted to drum up some kind of response, Nancy drew open the door and beckoned them to enter. A soft drum beat welcomed them from the hanging speakers. Nancy instructed them each to take a yoga mat and line them up in three rows.
“We have a small group this morning,” she breathed. “Which I have to admit, I prefer.”
As Linda splayed her yoga mat across the hardwood floor, she glanced up to find Nancy smiling down at her curiously. Linda’s heart quickened. The last thing she wanted was special treatment due to her age. Nancy spread her arms wide and returned her gaze just above the heads of the group. “We’ll begin today with child’s pose,” she said sweetly as she aligned herself on her yoga mat. “It’s a beautiful way to get the breath going before we continue with the rest of the exercises. Breath always comes first.”
Linda curled into a child’s pose and focused on her breathing, something she wasn’t sure she’d done in many years, perhaps ever. As her lungs filled, her anxious thoughts slowed remarkably. She closed her eyes and eased into the comfort of her body. Was this how other people felt all the time? Had she assumed her car crash of a mind was the standard?
The yoga session lasted forty-five minutes. Linda couldn’t quite reach many of the poses, but she pushed herself and found a strength within her limbs and core she hadn’t expected. When they ended at the child’s pose again, she inhaled and exhaled along with the rest of the group. It was as though they all breathed as one.
After Nancy released them, the other women (or, in Linda’s mind, “girls”) packed up their things, spoke lightly with one another and prepared to head off to breakfast. Linda felt languid and slow. She returned her yoga mat and walked toward the door, where Nancy said goodbye to everyone with warm, soft tones. Linda was the last to leave. She again locked eyes with Nancy, who cocked her head and said, “It’s so good to see someone my age around here.”
Linda stopped short, surprised at Nancy’s frankness. Nancy’s eyes were a comfort to gaze into. She had to say something back— something that mattered. But what?
“It was my first yoga session.”
“And how did you like it?” Nancy asked.
“Oh, it was just so different than I imagined.” Linda was surprised at her answer yet grateful for her honesty.
Nancy’s grin widened. “I thought the same thing when I got into it. It was a later-in-life thing for me. I spent the first thirty-plus years of my life a shell of myself. I don’t think I had a sip of water till thirty-five.”
Linda laughed appreciatively. “I suppose it’s good to know you can start whenever you want at this whole personal wellness thing.”
“It’s never too late. And it’s always necessary to focus on yourself for a change. I imagine you’ve spent most of your life focused on just about everyone else but yourself.”
Linda had no idea how to respond to this. She kept her lips pressed tightly shut.
“Where are you from?” Nancy asked after a moment of silence.
“The city. I mean, New York. Sorry. It’s just, to me...”
“The only place that could ever be called a city? I know. Me too. I grew up there and raised my daughter there,” Nancy confirmed. “And gosh, it’s changed over the years since I left.”
“It really has,” Linda offered sadly. “Not my same Manhattan.”
“I was a Brooklyn girl,” Nancy replied.
“I can hear it slightly in your accent.”
“Oh! Good. I thought maybe I’d lost too much of my accent. It’s like losing your identity, isn’t it?”
Linda agreed somberly. She shifted her weight, suddenly nervous, then said, “Well. I have a meeting with Dr. Grimson in a little while.”
“My daughter is a genius,” Nancy shot with a wide smile. “Just be honest with her about your health journey. She’ll guide you.”
An hour and a half later, Linda found herself within Janine Grimson’s office, with its dark-purple curtains, Moroccan rug, and a beautiful antique map of the world. A candle brewed a scent Linda didn’t recognize, something that seemed to slow her anxious thoughts, much like the yoga had. Janine pulsed through the door and delivered a beautiful smile, one that captivated Linda and reminded her all over again of Nancy’s kindness. It was a funny thing, having seen Janine Potter through the pages of tabloid magazines, only to have her fully-formed, three-dimensional before her. She was far prettier in person, although Linda knew better than to say that. It would only come off strangely.
“Good morning! It looks like you’ve just arrived the night before last?”
“That’s right.”
“From... the city?”
“That’s right,” Linda repeated, feeling dull at her lack of creativity.
“Wonderful. Me too.” Janine adjusted herself on the seat across from Linda and scribed something on a little yellow pad of paper. “Now, I’m sure you’ve read all about our clinic here at the Lodge, but I just want to start by telling you a bit about naturopathy and our commitment to wellness. In many ways, the diseases and discomforts within our body can be healed without the use of drugs. We consider your diet, your exercise, your mental health, among other things, and create a clean path forward.”
Linda nodded as her throat tightened. “I guess it’s true that a pill always seemed too easy to me.”
Janine chuckled kindly. “Unfortunately, wellness isn’t all that easy. It’s a lifelong journey and one we should be excited about, as it always brings us closer to ourselves.”
Closer? To herself? Linda had very little desire for whatever that meant. Still, here she sat before Janine Potter. She would fake it as much as she could.
“Now, to get started on our journey together, I’d like to get a better feel for your life back in the city,” Janine began. “Why don’t you tell me a bit about your background, your family, your schedule... that kind of thing.”
Linda’s brain felt inflamed. How could she possibly tell this beautiful woman that she hadn’t had a friend in over a decade? How could she say that she’d eaten Cream of Wheat every morning for as long as she could remember?
“I don’t know quite where to be,” Linda replied, fiddling with her hands in her lap.
Janine’s cheek twitched slightly. “What about your family? Easy to start there.”
Linda shook her head so that her hair wafted across the upper parts of her shoulders. “I don’t have any family to speak of.”
Janine’s eyes grew shadowed. Quickly, Linda added, “I had the opportunity to have a family a long time ago. But things grew complicated. It’s a long story. It’s just hard to explain.”
“I can understand complication if you give me a shot,” Janine breathed.
“No. It’s not necessary.” Linda scrambled to fill the space between them. “Other than that, I’ve spent the past few months working at a high-end retailer in Manhattan. I recently left that position and am curious about the next steps to take in my life. My diet is quite bland and standard, although I haven’t struggled with my weight at all in several decades and I normally get enough sleep.”
None of these issues seemed to hit the real problems at hand. Still, Janine scribbled the notes to herself as Linda spoke. Perhaps this would be enough. After a long moment’s pause, Janine lifted her head.
“We have several treatment options for you over the next twelve days,” Janine explained. “Along with a very nutritionally balanced diet, which I think will ignite your energy levels and start the healing process. Beyond that, we can offer acupuncture, therapy sessions, yoga, spa treatments, and meditation sessions.”
Linda forced herself to nod along with each addition.
“But beyond that, I have to say...” Janine placed her yellow pad of paper off to the side and laced her fingers together. “It’s essential for us to feel a part of our society. It’s essential that we feel companionship. Your body craves it. The fact that you’re here at the Lodge means that you’ve been neglecting yourself in some way. I hope that when you return to the city, you’ll take a hard look at your daily routine and try to give yourself kindness and compassion. I hope you’ll reach out to people you’ve known before or work to make new friends. Community centers can be good for that, as can social media groups with weekly meet-ups.”
Linda’s throat tightened. She wanted to tell Janine just how little strength she had for something like that.
“You said you had the option to have a family,” Janine continued. “Do you feel a lot of regret around that?”
Didn’t Janine sense that Linda didn’t want to discuss this? That it was a sore spot within her soul?
“Not really,” Linda lied. “I think it’s just how things had to go.”
Janine’s eyes shimmered. She then turned back toward her computer, where she typed in Linda’s details. Linda studied the floor as her cheeks warmed with embarrassment.
“I’ll have a schedule ready for you within the hour,” Janine informed her a moment later. “Mallory will drop it off in your room. I look forward to working with you over the next twelve days. And I hope...”
Linda arched an eyebrow as Janine stuttered through what she wanted to say.
“I hope we’ll find ways to talk about what’s going on in your life,” Janine finally added. “Because I do believe honesty, while difficult, is the only way forward.”
Linda wandered back to her room after that. She felt as though she’d been punched in the stomach. Janine Potter, before seen only from the glossy pages of a magazine, had tried her darnedest to see all the way through Linda. She’d seen the glimmer of darkness.
Once perched on her bed, Linda grabbed her old notebook from her backpack and flipped through the pages. The only photo she still had from that time period crept out from between the pages and fluttered to the bedspread.
There they were: a family of three. A twenty-something Linda as she held a four-month-old baby and grinned madly at the camera, her smile the exact brightness of sunshine. The man beside her held her around the waist. In the photo, he seemed their protector.
Was this the last time Linda had felt true happiness? Or had she created it all in her mind, something to return to for comfort? It was difficult to say.