So far we’ve talked about the relationship between you and your dog. But, as everyone knows, the world is full of other dogs and other owners. It’s also full of people who, for whatever mysterious reason, do not even own a dog!
Given this fact, can anything be more important than preparing your dog for what he will find when he goes out into the world? Yes: preparing him for how he should behave because people will judge you based on the impression they get of him.
These two concerns bring us to:
1. The dog should be carefully controlled and monitored at all times, so that he does not create a bad impression on other people, which they will transfer over to you.
2. While you’re controlling everything the dog does, the dog should be encouraged to be himself and explore because it’s a big world with many wonders and discoveries and who cares what other people think?
3. Wonders and discoveries are terrific, but the dog should bear in mind that the world is full of dangers and diseases and lunatics that can strike at any second because life is not “fair.”
4. While thinking about the dangers and lunatics, the dog should remember that he only lives once, so he shouldn’t be shy. The dog should be instructed to be a doer, not a viewer.
These concepts, when applied appropriately, will result in a fully socialized Jewish dog.
Whether we like to admit it or not, our dogs are like our cars.
Just as there are people who judge us by what we drive, so are there other people who judge us by our dog—his appearance, his behavior, and so on. There are also people who don’t care what kind of car we drive and who don’t judge us based on that. These people judge us by the behavior of our children—which means they’ll judge us, via our dog, in a similar way, if, as is often the case, we do not have children (and then they will judge us for not having children).
Our dog, then, is a combination car and child. People ask us, in our capacities both as dog experts and as rabbis, “What right do other people have to judge me, or my car, or my dog? They don’t know what it’s like to be me, just as I don’t know what it’s like to be them, and to drive around in their car with their dog and their children. So why should I care what they think?”
Our answer at such times is “You shouldn’t, and you must.” Society can be defined as the midpoint between everybody doing whatever he wants, and nobody doing anything. That is why we have ethical systems. Our task, as human beings, is to judge others as much or as little as we see fit, and then to go about our business.
What is the best way to teach your dog this important lesson?
We think it is by allowing him to observe you judging others yourself. We recommend this, even if you are not a particularly judgmental person. The point is for your dog to see judging in action and to get a feel for it.
Here are some suggested judgments for you to render upon other people as you walk your dog or sit outside with him. Be sure to express them in a clear, firm (but discreet) voice, so your dog is able to understand. If necessary, point with your finger to the person you’re expressing an opinion about, but try not to let the person see you do it.
Judging Others: See It and Say It
| What You See | What You Say to Your Dog |
|---|---|
| A woman in an exotic cape and/or turban | “Look at this one, the queen of Sheba.” |
| A group of black teenage boys in hip- hop clothing | “Oy, these hoodlums with their pants. And would it kill them to tie their shoes?” |
| An old lady moving hesitantly with the aid of a walker | “Do me a favor. If I ever get that old, give me poison.” |
| A man at least thirty years older than his wife. | “Some people have children, and some people marry them.” |
| A teenage girl with a lot of body piercings | “Anything to cause your parents pain.” |
| A group of nuns | “Why anyone would become a nun nowadays is beyond me.” |
| A group of Japanese tourists | “Since when did we become a big destination for these people?” |
| Two lesbians | “It’s bad enough they look like men. Do they have to dress like men? It makes it very confusing for the rest of us.” |
| A teenage couple wheeling a stroller | “This is what happens when you stop teaching sex education in school because of the Bible or whatever.” |
“And what’s their problem?” Rabbi Monica teaching a dog how to judge other—in this case, men doing weird martial arts exercises
Remember, you’re not saying these things to get the dog to agree with you, since, of course, he can’t. What’s important is that he see how he will be judged by other people in a way similar to the way in which you judge them.
While your dog is learning that lesson, study the following table. It sets forth, in rather frank and unsparing terms, what various aspects of your dog’s behavior and appearance “say” about you—or at least how they could be interpreted by others. Unfortunately, these hold true regardless of whether the dog is a purebred, crossbreed, or a “mutt.” No one, and no dog, is exempt.
What Your Dog Says About You: Bad Impressions to Be Avoided
| Detail of Your Dog’s Appearance or Behavior | Impression Created About What Kind of Owner You Are | Impression Created About What Kind of Person You Are |
|---|---|---|
| Too fat | Indulgent, indifferent to nutrition and health | You are a bad person. |
| Too thin | Irresponsible, lazy, cheap, indifferent to nutrition and health | You are a very bad person. |
| Nails too long | Slovenly, ignorant, stupid, horrible | You are a sloppy and, therefore, bad person. |
| Coat dirty and tangled, not properly groomed | Careless, untidy, don’t take pride in dog | You are a crude, awful person. |
| Strains at leash | Lazy, uncaring about dog’s health or his respect for you | You are an insensitive, miserable person. |
| Ignores you | Weak, negligent, reckless, indifferent to dog’s safety | You are a spineless and really quite terrible person. |
| Eats off ground | Irresponsible, indifferent, ignorant about health and nature | You are a shockingly inept person in every respect. |
| Will go up to anyone | Naive, foolish, unaware of basic principles of safety and simple realities of human nature even a child knows | You are living in a dream world of pathetic fantasy and can barely be trusted to care for yourself, let alone your dog. |
| Will not go up to anyone | Tyrannical, overbearing, brutalizing | You are a hideous, almost indescribably monstrous person. |
| Doesn’t wag tail, looks miserable | Oppressive, authoritarian | You are an insufferable bully and should be forbidden by law both to own any pet and to leave the house. |
| Too aggressive | Either grotesquely overindulgent or pathologically manipulative | You are a menace to society (animal, human) and should be under constant surveillance by armed guards, if not kept on 24-hour sedation in solitary confinement. |
Obviously, then, it is in your interest, as well as the dog’s, for you to instruct him on how to behave in public. Fittingly enough, the place and time to do this is not at home, but out in the world, surrounded by the very dogs and people judging you and whom you are judging.
These instructions should take the form of “suggestions” offered to the dog when you see him acting in a way that you think others might disapprove of. You should deliver them in a straightforward tone of voice, without sarcasm or subtext.
Here are a few sample suggestions that might prove helpful.
• Sit up straight.
• Don’t mumble when you bark.
• Don’t look away when someone speaks to you.
• Don’t whine. Either ask for something or be quiet.
• Cover your mouth when you sneeze. Don’t wave your head around and spray everybody.
• Don’t pull on the leash. It looks bad.
• Don’t make me drag you. It looks bad.
• Don’t wag your tail at everything. Not everything is so terrific.
• Stop looking so grim. Wag your tail a little.
• Don’t sniff people’s crotches. You didn’t learn that from me.
• Be nice to people and they’ll be nice to you.
• Don’t be so nice to everyone. You never know who could turn out to be a lunatic.
• Don’t roll in the decaying remains of dead squirrels. It isn’t nice.
• Don’t eat other dogs’ poop. I didn’t raise you that way.
• Can’t you keep yourself clean? Cats do. Why can’t you?
Once you have taught your dog the reality that other people will judge him (and, therefore, you) and that he should do everything he can to behave in ways that (according to you) other people will approve of, it will be time to teach him this:
Who cares what other people think? Most other people are either stupid or crazy. They can go to hell!
Both these lessons—heeding other people’s judgments and not worrying about other people’s judgments—are equally essential for raising a Jewish dog. They should receive equal emphasis in the dog’s training. In fact, they should both be invoked and taught at the same time, on every occasion, about the same person or people.
Your goal, as always, is simultaneously to praise your dog and to take him down a notch, to give him the confidence to go out into the world while keeping him tied to you.
Dogs are pack animals, which is another way of saying that your dog, no matter how intelligent and wonderful, will mindlessly follow the lead of some roughneck or hooligan if you give him half a chance. Of course we want our dog to have friends, and playmates, and to enjoy sharing his canine instincts. But what does he know about the proper kinds of friends to choose? Nothing, unless you help him.
Beagle being a bad influence and teaching the others his bad ways
Bad Influences: undesirable Behaviors and Who’s to Blame
| Example of Your Dog’s Undesirable Behavior | Probable Bad Influence | What to Say to Your Dog |
|---|---|---|
| Dog chews up sofa | Neighborhood mutt | “Who’d you learn that from? Your new ‘friend,’ Sparky?” |
| Dog snarls at another dog | Dog not being raised Jewish | “Oh, now we’re bullying everybody? Acting just like those other dogs?” |
| Dog barks all day at nothing | Neurotic, “yappy” small dogs | “And where did you learn to bark like that? Because I’ll tell you something—you didn’t learn it in this house.” |
| Dog steals food from kitchen table, counter, etc. | Beagle, fox terrier, other food- stealing dogs | “Oh, so this is what they teach you? Your so-called friends?” |
| Dog lies around all day, gets up to pee on floor, resumes lying around | Spoiled toy lapdogs—Maltese, papillon, etc. | “And I suppose this is what your fancy rich friends do. Well, guess what. We don’t live like that.” |
How will you know your dog is “hanging with” the wrong kinds of friends? You’ll know by his behavior. If he does anything bad, you’ll know that it’s due to the influence of his friends. You should reprimand him immediately, at the time of the bad behavior, and not just let it go for fear of making a fuss.
There are different ways of informing the dog that you know where he “picked up” the bad behavior. A sample table listing many types, along with the kinds of behavior that might prompt them, appears on the preceding page.
As your dog goes out into the world, he may find himself assuming that all dogs, like himself, have been raised Jewish. He will therefore assume that all dogs are rewarded as he is rewarded for certain behaviors, and are naturally forbidden to do the things he is forbidden to do.
When he discovers that this is not the case, he may become upset, disillusioned, and confused. He may question your Jewish training of him. He may want to know why, for example, he is allowed to eat leftover pizza crusts, while his friend Blanche is not. Or he may wonder why he is not allowed to sit on your lap when you’re driving, whereas his friend Adelaide is allowed to sit on her master’s lap in the driver’s seat.
At such times, you should give him a two-part explanation:
• “Everyone does things their own way. Your dog friends who have not been raised Jewish have rules that are right for them, while you have rules that are right for you.”
• “Look, this is how dogs who have not been raised Jewish are. And the same is true of their owners. These owners and dogs have different customs and beliefs. Sure, we think some of them are crazy. But that’s how the world is. So get used to it.”
Of course, your explanations needn’t copy ours word for word. No matter how you choose to put them, what is important, as always, is that your two explanations be in direct conflict with each other and, as it were, cancel each other out. The first says that everyone is entitled to his own way of doing things; the second says that people who are different from you are crazy.
You’ll know you’ve delivered these explanations properly if your dog’s reaction is to squint, look puzzled, and then just walk away, shaking his head.
Finally, a word about risk.
As we’ve already stressed, once your dog leaves the home he will be exposed to a certain amount of risk, whether from vehicular traffic, lunatics, fleas, crazy people, sinkholes, rabid possums, mailmen with a grudge, cyclists, careless Segway riders, falling icicles, foul weather, meteorites, escaped alligators, nasty children, and, of course, other dogs. You want to protect him from such threats, but you also want him to experience all, or at least some of all, that life has to offer.
How do you know when to intervene in a dangerous situation and when to let the dog work it out for himself?
Our rule of thumb is: Protect the dog from all human-based, possum-based, and alligator-based threats. In addition, be sure to become hysterical and drag your dog away from any other dog, cat, porcupine, gopher, skunk, or squirrel that appears the least bit hostile. Horses and coyotes are not even worth thinking about.
Despite every precaution, unfortunately, there may come a time when your dog ends up in a fight with another. Here is our standard formula with regard to intervening at such times:
Your Dog in a Fight with Another: Steps to Take
• Summon dog by name. If that fails—
• Stand over fighting dogs and scream. If that fails—
• Grab your dog by scruff of neck and pull away from fight. If that fails—
• Look around for, scream at, owner of other dog. If that fails—
• Throw water on both dogs. If that fails—
• Throw water on owner of other dog. If that fails—
• Grab owner of other dog by scruff of neck and threaten lawsuit. If that fails—
• Grab your dog by scruff of neck, kick other dog, and drag your dog away, then return and kick owner of other dog.
Once Any of the Preceding Are Successful . . .
• Remove your dog from vicinity, check for injury.
• In case of minor injury, drive sobbing to vet.
• In case of major injury, drive in cold fury to vet.
• Sue, or threaten to sue and then settle with, owner of other dog.
By the time you have implemented these steps, either you will have succeeded in separating the contending dogs or the owner of the other dog will have broken up the fight. In either case, remember to implement the final four steps. Always check your dog for injuries, always drive to the vet either in hysterics or a white-hot implacable rage, and always sue, or threaten to sue, the other owner.