The basic equipment necessary for raising a Jewish dog is somewhat different from the basic equipment needed for raising a conventional dog.
With a conventionally raised dog, equipment is mainly utilitarian. You buy things for their intended use, and if you or the dog doesn’t “need” it, you don’t buy it.
When raising a Jewish dog, however, your goal is more ambitious. You still have need of the usual dog-related items such as collars, leashes, and bowls. But bear in mind that you’re buying equipment not just to accomplish workaday tasks, but to create, mold, and enhance your relationship with the dog.
One phrase you will find particularly useful when giving something to the dog, and then watching as he either doesn’t like it or stops liking it, is “It’s never enough.”
Practice saying this phrase out loud (“It’s NEH-ver e-NUFF,” with the first syllable of “never” receiving the most emphasis), either to yourself, to the dog, or to other people and/or their dogs, until you can repeat it with a combination of fatalism and resignation.
When you say it, this is what you are communicating via subtext: I give the dog all these things that he wants, or that he should want, or that I would want if I were a dog, and he still wants other things. This is abusive to me, but I will endure it without complaint because of how selflessly I love the dog.
Obviously, this is a key phrase for invoking Situational Martyrdom (see page 57). It can also function as a sort of an introductory throat-clearing warm-up for guilting the dog. (For example, “How can you not like these? They’re cheese-flavored plastic squirrels! Man, it’s never enough, is it?” Pause. “Do you know how much these things cost? Plus shipping?”)
The “It’s never enough” phrase is essential as you become adept at pampering the dog.
As we explain in chapter 3, the first stage of our Basic “Training” Procedure calls for “Unconditional Love.” How do you display such love? First, of course, in the usual physical and emotional ways: hugging, petting, scratching, tickling, baby-talking, and all the other ways you express the fact that you’re just crazy about your dog.
You also, naturally, will want to provide the physical necessities for the dog’s survival and good health, including food, water, a place to sleep, and so forth.
And then there’s pampering.
For most owners, pampering involves giving the dog luxuries, bonuses, accessories, extras, presents, special rewards, a-little-somethings, and everything else above and beyond the necessities. But when you’re raising a Jewish dog, pampering is not something you do on a whim or because you’re in a good mood or because the dog has done something special.
When raising a Jewish dog, pampering is a necessity.
And there are many different ways to do it. That’s why we have devised what we call “The Six-Pointed Mogen David Star of Pampering.” It illustrates the six basic (and different) ways to pamper your dog. All of them, of course, display your Unconditional Love for the dog. But they also serve a number of other, equally important functions:
HOW TO RAISE A JEWISH DOG
| Form of Pampering | Purpose Other Than Showing Unconditional Love | What You Buy for Your Dog |
|---|---|---|
| Provisional | To lay groundwork for future guilting | Anything she likes |
| Preemptive | To make sure dog feels secure about the future | Anything she may like next week. |
| Past-Perfect | To make sure dog feels free to change her mind | Anything she used to like in the past but doesn’t anymore but may start to like again |
| Peer-Oriented | To make sure dog is secure among her peers | Anything her friends like |
| Peremptory | To make sure you feel secure about dog | Anything you like |
| Perfunctory | To take advantage of miscellaneous opportunities to pamper dog and yourself | Anything on sale |
As you can see, with these six different forms of pampering the range of items you can buy for the dog is infinite. If the dog likes it, or used to like it, or her friends like it, or if you like it, it’s appropriate. Thus, anything from a squeaky plastic bone to a two-bedroom apartment in Rio de Janeiro can be bought “for the dog.”
Still, some products are more important than others. Let’s review them now.
Most dogs have coats, and so don’t particularly “need” sweaters. Still, when the weather turns cold in autumn and winter, a person or a dog could catch pneumonia and drop dead at any minute, because you never know. So a sweater is always a good idea. Besides, there is no better way to show the world your capacity for love and concern—not to mention style and sophistication—than by strolling around the neighborhood with a dog wearing a sweater.
People have asked us why, since we live in warm, subtropical Florida, we even consider dressing our dogs in sweaters. But, as anyone who lives in or has visited these areas can tell you, whether you’re in the humid Deep South or the dry desert Southwest, you spend most of your time in freezing air-conditioning. We ourselves wear sweaters indoors the year-round, and so do our dogs.
Booties, or small boots, are not particularly appropriate for larger dogs, who will often display their resistance to wearing them by tearing them off with their mouths and eating them. For smaller dogs, however, booties offer protection from snow, ice, slush, and even just cold sidewalks. Booties are also very cute and can form a nice ensemble with sweaters.
Dog in goggles: absolutely necessary when allowing dog to ride in car with head out the window or when shopping at upscale retailers
Unlike sweaters and booties, scarves probably don’t keep the dog that much warmer. But they can be very stylish and dashing, so much so that when you see your dog in a scarf you feel good. And if you feel good, then by definition the dog feels good. That’s why we recommend that your dog wear scarves—because it makes him happy.
There is probably no health benefit to be gained by having the dog wear a hat. Still, as long as your dog is going out in a sweater, booties, and scarf, what’s the harm?
One of the best ways to pamper the dog is by giving him toys, and the range of toys available at pet stores or online is immense. Just bear in mind that it is impossible to predict which squeaky bone or nub-covered ball your dog will like (if any), or how long he’ll like it before abandoning it forever.
Not only that, but it’s also very common for a dog to ignore a pet toy expressly designed for him in favor of one of your shoes, a sock, a stuffed animal, a discarded Barbie doll, an old towel, or any other object in the home.
That’s why, when clients ask us which toys they should purchase for their dogs, we generally advise buying one of every toy in the pet store, plus one of everything available online, and letting the dog figure it out. In so doing you’ll have satisfied all six categories illustrated in the Six-Pointed Mogen David Star of Pampering and you’ll have a great story to tell friends and family about how enslaved you are to the (ungrateful) dog.
Dog playing with owner’s slipper and ignoring high- quality dog toys. Typical.
Case History: Matilda
BY RABBI ALAN
The only time our training method actually ever failed was with Matilda. This dog was the most beautiful Afghan you had ever seen. She was just breathtaking. Talk about “pampering”—people stopped this dog and her owner all the time to marvel at her exquisiteness. We spent a total of six months with Matilda and her owner and were unable to change the dog’s behavior in the slightest.
Quite concerned—not to mention puzzled and intrigued—we did something we’d never done before. We called in someone I’ll refer to as “Gretchen.” Gretchen is a pet psychic. Now, we don’t normally employ such people, nor do we typically recommend it for our clients. But we were all at our wits’ end. So Gretchen arrived and, in strict one-on-one isolation with the dog, had a session with Matilda.
After an hour Gretchen brought us the bittersweet news that Matilda was impossible to train because she had absolutely no thoughts. She had no mental life because she didn’t need one. She was that beautiful. Matilda got all her physical and emotional requirements just by existing, by being herself. People gave her things and praised her and indulged her and so on, all in the hope that Matilda would acknowledge them with the slightest wag of her elegant tail. In this one rare case all we could do was to help Matilda’s owner come to terms with having a thought-free dog by helping her to regard Matilda as a special-needs pet and to readjust her expectations accordingly. That, thank God, worked, and now Matilda and her owner are living happily ever after in Sedona, Arizona.
So far we’ve talked about the “fun stuff.” Now let’s look at the necessities for owning any kind of dog, and whether or not they’re appropriate for raising a Jewish dog.
Every dog needs a collar, and with the huge selection of materials, colors, and styles available for dogs of every possible size, it is easy to find one that’s right for a dog being raised Jewish.
But why stop there? Even the most squat-necked pug is able to wear two or three or more collars at once. Collars are for more than just attaching to leashes and holding licenses and rabies and identification tags. They’re jewelry for dogs! Think of them as being like wrist bangles: if two is good, four is better.
In fact, who is to say that you can’t find, in a small size, a collar to wear on your wrist that matches your dog’s? Not us. We say let’s have fun with collars!
Also called “slip collars,” these are metal link collars that you slip through a hole in itself like some kind of magic trick, creating a slipknot that gently strangles the dog when it tries to pull away. While choke chains do superficially resemble silver necklaces, they’re too frightening and mechanical for Jewish dogs to wear or for Jewish owners to figure out how to work. Forget them.
Leashes, like collars, can be of leather or nylon. They don’t actually have to match the collar, but it would be nice. Also, they should reflect the season. No leather in the summer, and certainly no patent leather after Labor Day.
A retractable lead is a dog leash on a spring-loaded reel. It plays out or winds back in, depending on where the dog is.
Unlike a conventional leash, therefore, this one can extend out to fifteen feet, at which point the dog can suddenly start running around a tree or a person before the lead can retract. The result is that you get literally all tied up with the person or the tree, plus you have a crazy dog attached and still running around.
In other words, this kind of lead offers the owner raising a Jewish dog many, many opportunities to be victimized by the dog. So it’s perfect.
Long retractable leash entangling a stranger. Rabbi Monica pretends she’s really sorry.
Muzzles are masks of strapping or leash material formed into a kind of basket shape, to be fitted over the dog’s mouth to prevent it from barking or biting.
A dog being raised Jewish should have no need of a muzzle. Such a dog will be too busy wondering whether its owner approves of what it’s doing to bite anyone, and too busy consoling its owner for the owner’s failure if it starts barking. We can skip this piece of equipment entirely.
A harness fits around the dog’s chest, and is often worn instead of a collar for holding the leash and the tags.
Otherwise, the harness is for the husky, who has to drag sleds across the North Pole, or some other kind of dog that has to perform laborious physical work for a living. Does that sound like a dog being raised Jewish? Of course not.
These collars work by zapping the dog with a mild electric shock when she barks. They are often used by owners whose neighbors complain about the dog’s “excessive” barking.
Please. A dog being raised Jewish does not bark excessively. It might worry excessively, but you’re not going to give the dog an electric shock for that.
This means of “training” the dog to stay within the boundaries of a certain piece of property consists of an electronic collar, like the bark collar, that is tuned via radio frequencies, or something, to an array of sensors planted around the periphery of the area. Whenever the dog threatens to cross the boundary, he is hit with an electric jolt. With certain breeds, they can be very effective—yes, effective at turning the dog into a prisoner and your home into a prison. Don’t even talk to us about these.
Collars are used to hold the dog license and rabies inoculations tags, as well as tags showing general information about the dog’s name and home address. Such a dog tag, no matter how complete its information, is barely sufficient, the world being what it is. When it comes to raising a Jewish dog, remember that it is always better to imagine the worst, and then panic, and then realize you’re being silly, and then plan for the worst, than to do nothing or, indeed, anything else.
Therefore your dog should also have an electronic identification chip, which is usually implanted (in an outpatient procedure) under the skin on her shoulder. It can be scanned by a special gun to reveal the dog’s name, address, and so forth. Think about having two of them implanted, in case one malfunctions. And three, of course, is even better.
It’s also a good idea to equip the dog with another collar, of the LoJack variety, which emits a constant radio beacon, in case the dog is kidnapped or runs away. Note that both of these possibilities are extremely unlikely for a dog being raised Jewish. The dog will feel guilty if it even thinks about running away, and it will barely be out of your sight long enough to be kidnapped. But why take chances?
When you first acquire the dog, use either your home computer or one at a local copy center to create an attractive flyer with the dog’s photograph, name, and address, with the caption “NOT MISSING YET.” Distribute these to every home and store in a two-mile radius and post them on as many utility poles and trees as you can. Then you’ll be ready if the unthinkable happens. Just because it’s unthinkable doesn’t mean it’s unhappenable.
Every dog needs two bowls: one for food and one for water.
Of course, when you talk about raising a Jewish dog, the question naturally arises: Should the dog keep kosher? Such a dog would need three bowls: one for dairy-based dishes, one for meat-based dishes, and one for water.
Frankly, we don’t believe in keeping kosher, for ourselves or our dogs. Observing kashrut (the kosher dietary laws) is almost always a tenet of Orthodox Judaism, to which neither we nor our dogs subscribe.
“Not Missing Yet” sign informs neighbors that dog is not missing. Some trainers call this precaution unnecessary. We say: It couldn’t hurt.
On the other hand, Rabbi Monica has told us of a practice her mother used to observe, which we have come to refer to around the Seminary as “Reform kashrut.” It involves using two sets of dishes and plates: One for normal, everyday use and one for Chinese takeout, with all its pork and shrimp dishes. You can do this if you wish, but it, too, is not necessary.
A Jewish dog’s food bowl should be as big as possible, for reasons we discussed in chapter 5. But it wouldn’t kill you to have two food bowls.
Commercial dog beds are in effect giant round pillows, usually covered with a removable, washable, decorative cover with a soft top surface. Do you need one, when raising a Jewish dog?
Yes. But not for the reason you might expect.
Remember that the dog should sleep with you, in your bed. But, depending on many factors (how large the dog, how many dogs you have, how large your bed, whether you share your bed with another person), there may be times when sleeping space is at a premium. After ordering the dog to move over, or move down to the foot of the bed, you may find you still need more room and order the dog to sleep on the dog bed.
What if she doesn’t obey?
In that case, say “All right, fine. You stay here. I’ll sleep on your bed.” Then get out of your bed and curl up on the dog bed until the dog, duly guilted, joins you. Then get back into your bed.
“Guilting” the dog by pretending to agree to sleep in his bed. Because some dogs don’t respond well to guilting, you should always buy a dog bed that’s comfortable enough for you to sleep on.
Once you have obtained all the standard items, and have pampered the dog in all six ways, you may discover that your current living situation makes it difficult or impossible to manage all the gear and equipment you have acquired. What good does it do the dog if you can’t transport, store, and organize all his, and your, stuff?
That’s why we see nothing wrong with moving from your current dwelling into a larger house or apartment, or getting a second house or apartment, or a larger car, or a truck, for this purpose. As we note regarding Peremptory Pampering, you are entitled to get anything you like in the service of pampering the dog.
A new home and/or car will not only make it easier to pamper the dog, but will improve your own life—one more reason why dogs are wonderful.