“As long as you have your health, you have everything. And as long as your dog has his or her health, he or she has everything.”
We’ve all heard this truism—which refers to physical health—over the years, and, at least with regard to ordinary dogs, it is as true today as it ever was.
However, things are more complicated when you’re raising a Jewish dog. This is not to say that a Jewish dog’s physical health isn’t important; it’s extremely important, and the owner should approach it with a combination of concerned attention and intelligent oversight, enhanced with mild anxiety, plunging fear, and unrestrained hysteria.
But, increasingly, science has shown that a Jewish dog’s mental and emotional health is in many ways even more important. We’re not surprised. After all, the central fact of the Jewish dog’s life is psychological—that is, his relationship with the owner.
Importance of Mental Health in Common Household Pets
That’s why we’ve taken to saying around the Seminary, “As long as you, and the dog, have your psychological, mental, and emotional health, you have everything. Because if you don’t, you can’t get out of bed. And then who cares about your physical health?”
The graph above illustrates the relative importance of mental and emotional health among Jewish dogs as compared to that of other common household pets.
We’ll discuss the dog’s mental, emotional, and psychological health (the health that really makes it Jewish) in a moment. First, though, let’s address the issue of physical health.
Before you can go to a veterinarian, you have to find one. This is easier than it may appear. Simply talk to other dog owners and ask for a referral. Then visit each vet’s office, bringing your dog with you. Take special note of the waiting area: if it includes a television tuned to a daytime talk show, leave immediately. A vet whose clientele likes to watch The Tyra Banks Show or The View will probably fail to appreciate your dog’s unique qualities.
Instead, find a waiting room that has magazines that you like, or that you don’t mind other people liking. Then ask for a preliminary consultation with the vet. When talking to him or her, look for four qualities:
1. An understanding of how special your dog is
2. An understanding that no one (except the vet) comprehends what you’re going through concerning the dog and everything else in your life
3. An understanding that you will spare no expense on behalf of the dog, although you’re not made of money
4. An understanding that the dog will (as usual) fail to appreciate all the concern that you and the vet will display toward him, but that you and the vet will just have to live with that, the way you (and, probably, the vet) always do
Once you have selected a vet who is suitably understanding to you and sympathetic about your life, tell him or her that you’re “not one of those people who brings the dog in every time there’s some tiny problem.” Then, from that day forward, bring the dog in every time there’s some tiny problem.
When you go in for an appointment and are waiting for the vet, trade pleasant small talk with other owners about how, when the dog is sick, it’s like you’re sick. If they stare at you blankly and don’t understand, ignore them. If they nod and agree and say that they do understand, ignore them. Because do they? Really?
However, if another owner’s response is to be competitive rather than sympathetic (by saying, for example, “You’re ‘sick’? I would love to be ‘sick.’ I should be so lucky, ‘sick.’ When my dog is sick I don’t know why I just don’t give him a gun and tell him to shoot me”), then that person, too, is raising a Jewish dog, and the two of you will have a lot to talk about. Neither of you will listen to the other, but it will pass the time until the vet is ready to see you. And, if necessary, your dog.
Sample medicine cabinet. Prescriptions not only encompass entire life of current dog, but entire lives of two previous dogs, cat, turtle, and rabbit.
Fill all the vet’s prescriptions promptly. Note that, when the dog is cured, there may be some leftover medicine, whose function you don’t really understand and which will, sooner or later, expire in potency and be essentially useless. Still, keep it in your own medicine cabinet for the rest of your life, “just in case.” And don’t be afraid to spend a fortune on homeopathic drugs, vitamins, supplements, and so forth, that don’t require a prescription and allow you to medicate, or pretend-medicate, the dog on your own.
Case History: Maddie
BY RABBI MONICA
Jacqueline had just adopted Maddie, a fifty-pound sheltie-collie mix. After about the first month, at about two in the morning, Jacqueline was awakened by a horrible groaning sound. She flew out of bed to find Maddie on the cold tile floor at the bottom of the stairs. She tried to rouse the dog, but Maddie just looked at her and didn’t move. Jacqueline carried her to the car and raced to the ER. However, by the time she got there, Maddie was her old self. Naturally, Jacqueline insisted that the vets run all the tests anyway, but every test came back normal. Jacqueline was distraught.
About ten days later, Jacqueline was reading in bed with Maddie beside her. Suddenly Maddie made the horrible groaning sound again. It was then that Jacqueline realized that this noise was Maddie’s “sound of contentment.” As with a bark, each dog’s sound of contentment and happiness is distinctive and unique. In Maddie’s case, as in the case of many Jewish dogs, the sound of contentment was practically indistinguishable from the sound of the dog in pain.
One of the characteristic behaviors of a Jewish dog is to become withdrawn or irritable from time to time. If you see your own dog acting this way, rest assured that it is normal. Do not do what you customarily do when he gets a physical injury, that is, do not become hysterical and rush him to the vet. Such a response, no matter how well it has served you (and possibly the dog) in the past, is inappropriate for this kind of problem.
This problem is psychological, not physical. It occurs when the owner loves the dog so very, very much, and wants only what’s best for the dog, and tells the dog what to do and how to behave only for the dog’s own good, and ignores the dog’s protests because the owner is a person and the dog is just a dog, that it all becomes a little too much. The dog recoils. He feels as if his “self” isn’t being appreciated, or is being smothered, or obliterated, or whatever. He gets angry. But he can’t lash out and express his anger at the owner because he’ll get into trouble and be punished. And so he swallows his anger.
He becomes depressed.
Now, in previous generations, an owner faced with such behavior from the dog would simply throw up her hands, or tell the dog to go to his room until he cheered up or snapped out of it, or complain to others that the dog is moody. But today’s owners are different. They’re more enlightened and more informed about human, and dog, nature.
Today’s owner understands that the dog has a point.
She realizes that she has been oppressing the dog in exactly the ways in which she was oppressed when she was a child. (You will recognize this as relating to stage 4, “Comfort and Reconciliation,” of the Basic “Training” Procedure in chapter 3.) She feels terrible. She should know better! In fact she does know better. But now what should she do to help the dog?
Bear in mind that these gloomy feelings, and the depressive lying around and staring and sighing and moping that they lead to, form a “negative loop” in which the dog becomes trapped. Even if the original event that triggered them is over and done with, still the bad feelings stimulate bad thoughts, which generate more bad feelings.
This can even happen with the relatively minor disappointments of everyday life. A dog who, for example, is sleeping or eating or elsewhere in the home when the mailman arrives, and thus misses his daily opportunity to bark like a maniac and chase the mailman away, may occasionally fall into a “misery spiral” over this relatively unimportant event. Very quickly “I missed the mailman” turns into “I hate my life.”
The question then becomes: How do we shut down this negative loop?
We have discovered that in most instances the dog can be “cured” via one or more of a series of positive messages, inspirational sayings, and uplifting bits of life wisdom commonly known as “affirmations.”
Now, when humans make use of affirmations, they read and recite them out loud, to the universe, in order to hear themselves say those words. Dogs, of course, can’t do this. So we have devised a series of affirmations to be read to the dog by the owner, about the dog himself.
The affirmation is read to the dog, who then repeats it to himself until he breaks free of the negative emotional loop and feels better about everything.
We are currently compiling a complete collection of affirmations for dogs, which we intend to publish under the title Arffirmations. For now, however, we present a handful of these positive, upbeat messages guaranteed to improve your dog’s mood. They appear in the following table, along with the kinds of behavior that can alert you to the problem, and the negative emotional states they are meant to cure.
Dealing with the Depressed Dog: The Affirmations
| Dog’s Behavior | Negative Emotions | Affirmation to Recite to Dog |
|---|---|---|
| Lies listlessly on couch, bed, etc., sighing | Dog thinks all his efforts are futile, that “nothing ever turns out right” | “I am a really great dog and I don’t need to be depressed in order to lie on the couch. I can be on the couch without having to be depressed because I am well loved and treasured. And I deserved it.” |
| Acts touchy, irritable | Dog feels trapped in his life, surrounded by mediocrity and tedious routine | “I love my routine. Without routines, there is chaos. I am moody sometimes because that’s just the way I change my routine without causing chaos. I am brilliant.” |
| Stares blankly into space, is uncommunicative | Dog harbors unexpressed anger | “I stare blankly into space because I can. I get attention from my owner just by doing nothing. I am great.” |
| Lies with head between paws, doesn’t move | Dog feels taken for granted, unappreciated, and a failure | “I have perfected the position where everyone thinks I’m doing nothing, but I am, in fact, ready to pounce at a moment’s notice. I am a genius.” |
| Sleeps all the time, refuses to go on walks, eats very little | Dog suffers from anomie, barely has the will to live | “I feel a little bloated so I will pretend I am at a doggy spa. By the morning I will be back to my model figure and feel fabulous, which I already am.” |
| Stares, does nothing all day but watch TV and eat Snausages | Dog is trying to numb self, to escape into distraction and cheap pleasures | “ I have been good all week and deserve a reward. I shall watch TV and pop Snausages while sitting on satin pillows. My owner will be thrilled because I have seen her do that, and by emulating her I make her feel good as well. I am extremely thoughtful.” |
Listening to affirmations, dog visualizes actualizing the reality of his vision.
Encourage the dog to recite these affirmations to himself, and before too long he’ll feel much better—and so will you.
Occasionally a Jewish dog is subject to chronic depression, which even affirmations cannot alleviate. In such cases, we urge owners to consult with a qualified dog therapist, whether a dog psychologist, a dog whisperer, or a dog acupuncturist. Each offers specific areas of expertise and a range of techniques. For recommendations, ask your vet, other owners, or look online.
(Many clients ask us for referrals to a dog psychiatrist. When they do, we decline to offer any recommendations. Quite frankly, we don’t believe in psychiatrists for dogs. The notion of a dog being subjected to Freudian analysis is, in our opinion, rather ludicrous. We don’t see the usefulness of having the dog jump up on a couch and lie there for fifty minutes, when jumping on the couch is often one of the very problems the owner wants to address!)
Sometimes a therapist will diagnose a chemical imbalance in the dog that has triggered this depression. In such cases, one of several canine antidepressants may be prescribed. The most popular and trustworthy ones include:
• Rexapro™: Primarily prescribed for dogs named Rex, this drug has lately also been proven effective with dogs named Rocky.
• Spanielavil™: Prescribed mainly for sporting dogs, Spanielavil has side effects that include excessive friskiness, drooling, and uncontrollable ear floppiness.
• Boxil™: Originally developed for boxers, this drug has a user base that has expanded to include pugs, bulldogs, Boston terriers, and other breeds with mashed-in faces.
• Schnauzoloft™: Proven unusually effective with mixed breeds, or mutts, although during initial stages of use special care should be taken to avoid accompanying owners driving or operating heavy machinery.
• Welshbutrin™: Especially valued for its minimal sexual side effects, although many owners report an increased tendency for their dogs to chase their own tails.
Other medications are available. Owners should be sure to consult a qualified canine psychopharmacologist for a proper diagnosis and prescription, and not just order blindly from the many dog drug Web sites that, unfortunately, have begun to proliferate online.
EMOTIONS, BEHAVIOR, AND YOU
No book written for the general public can possibly deal with all potential physical and emotional problems of every kind of dog. Each breed has its own weaknesses and susceptibilities, and each dog-owner relationship has its own specific characteristics.
Therefore, the Q&A below is intended to discuss some general problem-solving approaches. All dogs referred to have been, or currently are, raised Jewish.
Q: My dog is normally well behaved, but when my decorator Harriet comes to the house, she wears a bit more makeup than we’re used to, and it scares the dog and he barks at her. What do I do?
A: This is not the dog’s fault. Too much makeup can indeed be frightening. Either start to wear a lot of makeup yourself, to accustom the dog to it, or tell Harriet to wear a mask.
Q: Every day my dog, Peaches, barks at the mailman, both when he comes to our house and ten minutes later, when he crosses from house to house on the other side of the street. Why is this, and can it be remedied?
A: Peaches may be reacting to a dim ancestral memory from her Jewish forebears who lived in New York, Chicago, Baltimore, and other cities in the nineteen teens and twenties. She may believe that the mailman, with his distinctive cap, is a streetcar conductor coming to ask you for money that, she somehow knows, you need not pay. So she chases the “conductor” away until the next day. To remedy this situation, try inviting the mailman in for a cup of coffee or, preferably, for an overnight stay. After a few visits the dog will regard the mailman as neither an intruder nor a streetcar conductor, but as a member of the family. If this solution proves to be impractical, get a post office box.
Q: I am raising my dog, Cassie, to be a Reform Jew. Now she insists on sitting on my lap while I’m driving. No matter how often I place her on the passenger seat, she eventually climbs into my lap and sits up, looking out the side window while I have to work the steering wheel around her. What should I do?
A: This is a classic problem. When we first began addressing it in our teaching sessions at the Seminary, we advised hiring a chauffeur. Please note that we do not recommend this solution any longer. Experience has taught us that the dog usually just sits in the chauffeur’s lap. Our current thinking on this matter leads us to suggest that you teach her to drive. Naturally, you will have to work the pedals. But there is no reason she can’t learn to turn the steering wheel, so long as you keep your hands on it as a precaution.
Q: My dog doesn’t like my new boyfriend. What should I do? And by the way, both my boyfriend and I are Jewish. So that’s not the issue.
A: Is your boyfriend a mailman or a decorator who wears makeup? If so, see above. If not, talk to your boyfriend and find out what he’s doing wrong. Is he teasing or tormenting the dog? Does he own a cat or other animal whose scent your dog might find objectionable? These and similar complaints can be dealt with specifically. Otherwise, dump him.
Q: My Rhodesian ridgeback just sits, completely motionless, and stares at his bowl of dog biscuits. He does this for ten or fifteen minutes at a time. Why? Is this healthy? Is he insane or what?
A: One theory concerning this kind of behavior holds that earlier generations of dogs were able, through the sheer force of their mental emanations, to teleport small objects (sticks, bones, “cookies”) to themselves, but that this ability was bred out over generations. What remains, therefore, is the outer behavior without the inner ability. However, if your dog is Jewish, this hypothesis does not apply. Rather, your dog is simply waiting patiently for you to give him cookies, knowing that you will do so because you just can’t help yourself.
Q: We live in a beautiful region of Southern California near some undeveloped areas where wildlife can still be found. As a result, possums come and sit on our fence at night, and my dog barks at them nonstop. I drag her inside, but she stands at the door to the backyard and barks anyway. What to do?
Rhodesian ridgeback attempting to transport “cookies” to himself via telekinesis. If he sits long enough, owner will arrive and give him cookie, confirming to dog that he actually does possess psychic powers.
A: Purchase, legally and with appropriate registration, a rifle or handgun. Take lessons at a responsible shooting range. Then simply keep killing the possums until they stop coming. If neighbors complain about the noise or the potential danger, explain patiently that you’re killing possums because your dog barks at them.
Q: I spent $3,000 on a purebred Afghan and, after three years of my raising her Jewish, all she does is act like a mutt. She lounges around and hangs out with other mutts at the dog park and shows no breeding or class whatsoever. I need this? What’s the deal?
A: There is no mystery here. Your dog’s friends are all mutts, and she’s acting like one of them because your dog just wants to be assimilated and to “fit in.” You’ve raised her as a German Jew as opposed to a Russian Jew. Don’t worry about it.
Q: I somehow feel that every aspect of my relationship with my dog is a power struggle. Is this normal?
A: Yes. All relationships are power struggles—or, at least, all relationships between Jewish dogs and their owners, who of course love each other. You would think that any dog with half a brain would be grateful to have such a loving, caring owner. But you know how some dogs are: They think they know everything. Whatever the owner says is automatically wrong. Their friends, who are all dogs and have no experience out in the real world, are always ready to encourage your dog to do whatever the pack is doing, no matter how dangerous or rude or self-destructive or embarrassing. If your dog’s friends all said, “Let’s jump off a bridge,” would your dog jump off a bridge? Yes, he would, thank you. So that’s your struggle: to deal with such an ungrateful dog while still loving him in spite of everything. Meanwhile, if you can’t live like this, get a cat. At least you know where you stand with cats, who don’t even pretend to care about anyone except themselves.
Q: After all I’ve done for my dog, now he insists on digging up the tulip bulbs. Have you ever heard of such horrible behavior?
A: You wouldn’t believe the things we’ve heard. Still, one benefit of having a dog who digs up the tulip bulbs is, the more you replant the bulbs, the more of a triumph it will be when they grow. You’ll then have the double satisfaction of knowing that you raised the dog in spite of everything, and the tulips in spite of the dog—two loving, selfless accomplishments, each full of heartache and sacrifice, stories and complaints, which you’ll be able to impress and entertain your friends with forever and ever.