ACT IV

Scene 9. Millicent’s Shabby but Genteel Apartment

Millicent is putting on her gloves preparatory to going out. She goes to the door and steps back startled, admitting Hyacinth.

Milly

Whatever are you prowling about here for? You’re up to no good, I’ll be bound.

Hyacinth

Sorry if I frightened you. I was about to knock.

Milly

That’s all right. Gave me a start.

Hyacinth

Where were you going so fast? What are you doing?

Milly

Well, I never did see such a manner—from one that knocks about like you! I’m going to see a friend. Have you anything to say to that?

Hyacinth (archly)

On what errand of mercy, on what secret mission?

Milly

Secret yourself! Why aren’t you with your Princess instead of spying on me?

Hyacinth

Are you playing me false, Miss Henning?

Milly

False, false! You’re a pretty one to talk of falsity when a woman has only to leer at you from an opera box—

Hyacinth

Don’t say anything about her!

Milly

And pray, why not about her, I should like to know? You don’t pretend she’s a decent woman, I suppose.

Hyacinth

You’re not really jealous of anyone. You pretend that only to throw dust in my eyes.

Milly

If you’ve come to see me, only to make low jokes at my expense, you had better have stayed away altogether. In the first place, it’s rude, in the second place, it’s silly, and in the third place, I see through you.

Hyacinth

My dear Milly, the motions you go through, the resentment you profess, are all a kicking up of dust which I blow away with a breath. (gesturing as puffing away a cloud of smoke) But go on, say anything you like.

Milly

The first thing I require of any friend is that he should respect me. You had a bad life, I know what to think about that.

Hyacinth

It’s good to be with you. You understand everything.

Milly

I understand everything you like. You little rascal—has your Princess given you the sack?

Hyacinth

It may well be.

Milly

I’m glad you admit that!

Hyacinth

I’m a bigger Philistine than you, Miss Henning.

Milly

I don’t believe you know, with all your thinking, what you do think.

Hyacinth

It’s astonishing how you sometimes put your finger on things. I intend to think no more. I mean to give it up. Let us live in the present hour.

Milly

I don’t care how I live, nor where I live, so long as I can do as I like. You were never satisfactory to me as a friend—and I consider myself remarkably good natured to have kept you so little up to the mark. You never tell me anything!

Hyacinth

What is it you want me to tell you, dear child? I’ll tell you anything in life you like.

Milly

You’ll tell me no end of rot. Certainly, I tried kindness on you.

Hyacinth (good-naturedly)

Try it again. Don’t give up.

Milly

Well then, has she chucked you?

(Hyacinth turns away.)

Milly

THE BITCH!

Hyacinth

Milly, you’re a sweetheart!

Milly

Why didn’t you say so right away? I wouldn’t have been so rough with you.

Hyacinth

This isn’t rough.

Milly (holding him)

You’re trembling.

Hyacinth

Very likely. I’m a nervous wreck, you know.

Milly

You need sympathy.

Hyacinth

A tablespoon twice a day.

Milly

I like you now.

Hyacinth

It’s a pity I’ve always been so terribly under the influence of women. The sex in general has been very nice to me.

Milly

Does she know—your trumpery Princess?

Hyacinth

About my vow? Yes—but she doesn’t mind.

Milly

That’s most uncommonly kind of her.

Hyacinth

You know nothing about her.

Milly

How do you know what I know, please? Hasn’t she treated you most shamelessly—and you a reg’lar dear?

Hyacinth

Not in the least. My opinions have changed and hers haven’t—that’s all.

Milly

And your grand lady still goes in for costermongers?

Hyacinth

Something has to be done and she wants to do it. I have too many scruples.

Milly

If she hasn’t kicked you out, why do you say she has?

Hyacinth

I don’t know; I can’t make it out. Something has happened, but I don’t know what it is.

Milly

Well, I can make it out! You silly baby, has Paul been making up to her Serene Highness? Is that his game? Do you mean to say she’d look at the likes of him?

Hyacinth

Paul! He’s as fine a man as any born. They’ve the same views. They’re doing the same work.

Milly

And probably sleeping in the same bed! It makes WORK easier.

Hyacinth (protesting)

That’s enough, Milly, I won’t have you—

Milly

So, he hasn’t changed his opinions, then—not like you?

Hyacinth

No, he knows what he wants, he knows what he thinks.

Milly

Oh, I dare say. Don’t be a saint, they’re a precious pain.

Hyacinth

A man shouldn’t turn on his friends.

Milly

Or betray him with his woman. You need someone to fight for you!

Hyacinth

My dear girl, you’re a comfort.

(There is a knock at the door. Milly looks uncomfortable, but straightening her shoulders, goes to the door.)

Hyacinth

You know, you still haven’t told me where you were going?

(Milly opens the door and admits Captain Sholto who is armed with a large bouquet of flowers.)

Sholto

My dear Miss Henning, when you were late—ah, my dear Robinson, I haven’t seen you in some time, delighted.

Hyacinth (perceiving the situation immediately, turns on his heel and walks out)

I was just leaving.

Sholto

But, do stay, my dear fellow. Has there been some quarrel? Allow me to be the peacemaker.

BLACKOUT