ACT II

Scene 3. Pinnie’s shop

Hyacinth and Pinnie are talking.

Pinnie

There’s only one thing I want to know. Does she expect you to marry her, dearest?

Hyacinth

Does who expect me?

Pinnie

Of course you know who I mean. The one that came after you from the other end of London—and picked you right up. Aren’t there plenty of low fellows in that vulgar part where she lives—without her ravaging over here? Why can’t she stick to her own beat, I should like to know? Just promise me this, my precious child—if you get into any sort of mess with that piece, you’ll immediately confide it to your poor old Pinnie.

Hyacinth

My poor old Pinnie sometimes makes my quite sick. What sort of mess do you expect me to get into?

Pinnie

Suppose she pretends you promised to marry her?

Hyacinth

You don’t know what you’re talking about. She doesn’t want to marry anyone.

Pinnie (unconvinced)

Then, what does she want?

Hyacinth

Oh, my protection.

Pinnie

Protection! Stuff. And pray, who’s to protect you?

Hyacinth

In any event, it isn’t from Milly that any harm will come to me.

Pinnie

I can’t think why you like her.

Hyacinth

You’re a good person and yet you’re ready——

Pinnie

Well, what am I ready to do? I’m not ready to see you gobbled up before my eyes.

Hyacinth

You needn’t be afraid of her dragging me to the altar.

Pinnie

Doesn’t she think you’re good enough for a ’Enning?

Hyacinth

You just don’t understand. One of these days, she’ll marry a very rich, very respectable alderman.

Pinnie

That creature?

Hyacinth

Or a banker, or a bishop. She doesn’t want to end her career—she wants to begin it.

Pinnie

Well, I wish she’d leave you alone.

Hyacinth

What are you afraid of? Look, we’d better clear this up, once and for all. Are you afraid of my marrying a shop girl?

Pinnie (horrified)

Oh, you wouldn’t, would you?

Hyacinth

The kind of girl who’d look at me is the kind of girl I’d never look at.

Pinnie

I’m sure a Princess might look at you, and be none the worse.

Hyacinth

Well, it’s always nice to have your support.

Pinnie

You must be aware how lacking she is. Doesn’t she bore you?

Hyacinth

She does—to extinction.

Pinnie

Then why do you spend every evening with her?

Hyacinth

What else should I do? Go to a gin palace?

Pinnie

Oh well, if you see her as she is, I don’t care what you do, but try not to get her pregnant!

(Hyacinth is stunned. Enter Mr. Vetch.)

Vetch

Hallo, Pinnie.

Pinnie

Oh, Mr. Vetch, please talk some sense into him. I cannot.

(Exit Pinnie.)

Hyacinth

I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Vetch

What’s bothering Pinnie?

Hyacinth

I want to take a young lady to the theatre.

Vetch

I’m afraid you’ll find your young lady expensive.

Hyacinth

I find everything expensive.

Vetch

Especially, I suppose, your secret societies?

Hyacinth

What do you mean by that?

Vetch

Why, you told me a while back you were about to join a few.

Hyacinth

A few? How many do you suppose? Do you think if I’d been serious, I’d tell?

Vetch

Oh dear, oh dear. (as to Milly) You want to take her to my place, I suppose?

Hyacinth

She won’t go there. She wants to see something in the Strand. The Pear of Paraguay. I don’t wish to pay anything if I can avoid it. I’m sorry to say I haven’t a penny. But it occurred to me you might be able to get me a seat as a favor.

Vetch

Do you want a box?

Hyacinth

Something more modest.

Vetch

Why not a box?

Hyacinth

Because I haven’t the clothes people wear in that sort of place.

Vetch

Your young lady has the clothes?

Hyacinth

She has everything.

Vetch

Where does she get ‘em?

Hyacinth

Oh, she’s a model in a high fashion shop.

Vetch (pulling out some tobacco)

Won’t you have a pipe? What will she do with you?

Hyacinth

What do you mean?

Vetch

Your big amazon—Miss Henning. I know all about her from Pinnie.

Hyacinth

Then, you know my terrible fate.

Vetch

But it doesn’t matter much.

Hyacinth

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Vetch

Well now—the other thing. You’re very deep into that.

Hyacinth

Did Pinnie tell you all about that?

Vetch

No, our friend Poupin had told me a good deal. Besides, I see it.

Hyacinth

How do you see it, pray?

Vetch

Anyone can tell to look at you, you’ve taken a blood oath to some cutthroat crew.

Hyacinth

You won’t get me the tickets, then?

Vetch

My dear boy, I offer you a box.

Hyacinth

It has nothing to do with—

Vetch

Is it a more deadly secret?

Hyacinth

I thought you pretended to be a radical?

Vetch

Well—so I do—of the old fashioned constitutional sort. I’m not an exterminator.

Hyacinth

We don’t know what we may be when the time comes.

Vetch

Is the time coming, then, my dear young friend?

Hyacinth

I don’t think I can give you any more of a warning than that.

Vetch

It’s very kind of you to do so much, I’m sure. Meanwhile, in the little time that is left, you wish to crowd in all possible enjoyment with the young ladies—a very natural inclination. Do you see many foreigners?

Hyacinth

Yes. A good many.

Vetch

And what do you think of them?

Hyacinth

I rather like the English best.

Vetch

Paul Muniment, for example?

Hyacinth

What do you know about him?

Vetch

I see him at the Poupins. I know you and he are thick as thieves.

Hyacinth

He’ll distinguish himself very much someday.

Vetch

Very likely, very likely. And what will he do with you?

Hyacinth

Try to get me two good places in the second balcony.

Vetch (uneasily)

You had better put in all the fun you can, you know.

BLACKOUT