Advertising Pays

I sit in Claridge’s from twelve till two

And simply do what other people do—

Meeting and greeting persons of renown,

And looking through the people who are down.

But not all, mind you! Some, who’re down today

Next week may put a good thing in my way.

I’m Christian names with several Labour peers;

As for Conservatives—they’re rather dears,

And, just in case, you see—well, just in case …

I give them my attention for a space.

Over a whisky watered down with ice

I specialize in being very nice.

    Why do I do it? Well, you see, I’m paid

By various representatives of Trade

For telling lies about the things they sell,

And writing lies about the things as well.

I understand the public, that is why

My entertainment costs are rather high:

Dining and wining is no light expense

If one’s to know the men of influence.

As my old chief would say, Sir Wardour Street,

‘Begin publicity with the élite;

Give them a glass or two of good champagne

And start a classy whispering campaign.

Then run your advertising in the press—

Start with the great, continue with the less.’

Sir Wardour, ah! he knew a thing or two:

He bought six hundred tons of government glue

And sold it all in tins as Irish stew.

And I have had my triumphs in my time:

Do you remember ‘Inspirated Lime—

Sprinkle your roses with it, watch them grow

To twice their size in half an hour or so’?

Yes, that was mine. A client came to talk

About some crates of surplus blackboard chalk

That he’d been landed with. I told him plain,

‘You won’t sell that as blackboard chalk again.’

We both of us made thirty thousand clear:

The ‘Inspirated’ was my own idea.

    ‘Yoko’ was mine, ‘The Nectar of the Gods,

Prepared from Sterilized Laburnum Pods.’

Unluckily my client didn’t know

Laburnum seeds were poisonous, and so …

Well, that was his affair, the silly mug;

I’m given to understand he’s still in jug.

    Before the war, I started the campaign,

‘If you can walk, why ever go by train?’

That was to sell a lot of surplus shoes—

And in the war, I faded from the news.

    Well now, of course, what with Sir Stafford Cripps,

And sending things to India in ships,

There’s not so much to lie about as when

I started in the game in nineteen-ten.

So now I’m saying ‘Advertise the Truth!’

And cashing in on Planning and on Youth.

Youth centres, youth discussion groups, youth teams—

The coupons and the permits come in streams!