Fifty Ways of Looking at Sex in Fifty Shades
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY is an important book. It has single-handedly given millions of women permission to explore erotica, get in touch with their inner sexpot, and try new ways to heat up the bedroom with their partners. No longer is it embarrassing to read adult fiction on the plane, train, or in the checkout line of the local grocery store—where I recently saw a woman in her seventies eagerly devouring every word as she waited to pay. I can only imagine what the rest of her evening was like!
Women are reading it in book clubs. Friends are sharing stories about their sex lives. One woman told me that Fifty Shades saved her marriage. Women are using the book to learn new techniques and to begin a dialogue with their partners about sex.
Fifty Shades of Grey is a work of fiction based on fantasy and, as such, can take artistic license when describing almost anything. However, when it is read by millions of women—and men—around the world, from ages sixteen to ninety, one would hope that the fantasy is based somewhat on reality.
Fifty Shades also has a darker side that has led to my love-hate relationship with the book. Let’s begin with Mr. Christian Grey. The man is a jerk. Pure and simple. As he himself said, “I am fifty shades of fucked up.” He is not a jerk because he enjoys domination and submission or kinky sex. BDSM is an accepted way for consenting adults to express themselves sexually. Those that practice BDSM are not mentally ill, victims of child sexual or physical abuse, or just-plain-old-weirdo freaks. They don’t need to be fixed. Many people enjoy the sensations that are created during this form of sex play. The motto in the BSDM community is “Safe, sane, and consensual,” meaning that any activity must be safe and performed only between consenting adults who are fully aware of what they are doing. Trust and respect are key elements in BDSM play between consenting adults.
I can’t imagine why any woman would want to be with this man. He is handsome, rich, and well endowed. But that’s where it ends. He is selfish, a stalker, possessive, and controlling. He arranged her OB/GYN appointment, told her how to take her birth control pills, and didn’t want her to masturbate, for example. He has a temper, mood swings, and doesn’t want to be touched. He doesn’t make love, withholds affection, and doesn’t want to cuddle after sex or spend the night. He is simply emotionally abusive. Who would put up with that? Think of the young men reading this book who will get the wrong idea about sexual relationships.
All that said, the man knows his way around a woman’s body! He tells Ana that she has a beautiful body, that she should not be ashamed or embarrassed, and that he derives pleasure from the sight of her naked body. How many of us have ever felt embarrassed while naked? Since most of us are having sex under the covers, in the dark, I would say that the number is large. Mr. Grey kisses her entire body, including her feet. He appreciates the scent of a woman. Running his nose up between her thighs, he murmurs, “You smell so good.” Men of America, listen up! Many women fear that their natural scent is somehow offensive. Mr. Grey just helped millions of women exhale. He loves the taste of a woman: “‘Oh, Anastasia, you taste mighty fine,’ he breathes.” After fingering Ana, not only does he enjoy the taste of her secretions, he offers his thumb for her to taste and appreciate her own flavor. Bravo, Mr. Grey!
Every woman should look at her vulva and vagina, appreciate her scent, and taste her secretions. Learning to love your body completely frees you and allows you to enjoy sex fully. Mr. Grey understands that the clitoris is powerful and needs lots of attention. He massages, circling slowly. He swirls his tongue around and around, taking his time. He massages her G-spot while he continues his gentle assault on her clitoris. He even appreciates her pubic hair. What a man!
Mr. Grey is responsible and practices safer sex, unwrapping a gold foil–wrapped condom—extra large Magnum, no doubt—every time they have intercourse. He has instant firm erections, is capable of having sex multiple times without rest, is never in a hurry, never boring, and never comes before his partner. Wow!
Anastasia Steele is just as problematic. She is a virgin who has never touched herself, yet she has easy orgasms, three her very first time having sex. Her first orgasm was through nipple stimulation alone. She comes easily with penetrative sex alone, even when he slams into her, and she has multiple orgasms every time. Her unrealistic responsiveness is annoying. Almost as annoying as her “inner goddess.” She really got on my last nerve. Ana deep throats and swallows sperm her very first time providing oral pleasure. Whose fantasy is this anyway?
Anastasia comes on demand. Christian has only to command that she come for him—“Come for me”—and she explodes into a million pieces. Really? And the kicker: Anastasia Steele explodes into a massive orgasm when he flicks her clitoris over and over with a riding crop! I am expecting to see more than one bruised clitoris in my office in the coming months, as this is far from reality for almost every woman.
Since more than 75 percent of women do not experience orgasm through intercourse alone, many worry that something is wrong with them when they can’t come within five minutes or have multiple glorious orgasms. And is this the message we want men to hear? They have already been telling women for years that they are defective when they don’t come the moment their nipples are sucked or their vaginas assaulted by a stiff penis. It all makes me want to scream!
Anastasia allows Christian to abuse her emotionally and physically. She does not give consent to the spankings that she receives, so this is not BSDM play, but abuse. She allows herself to be treated poorly by this man simply because she doesn’t want to lose him. What a poor message to send to young female readers.
I do applaud the book’s instructional value when it comes to anal sex, woman-on-top positional sex, hand jobs, fellatio, cunnilingus, masturbation, Ben Wa balls, sex toys, ice play, erotic massage, safer sex discussion, and condom instructions. It encourages women to explore sexual pleasure without shame or guilt. And that is a good thing. I just don’t think it makes up for the toxic relationship between Mr. Grey and Anastasia Steele.
DR. HILDA HUTCHERSON is a native of Tuskegee, Alabama. A graduate of Stanford University and Harvard Medical School, she is presently a Clinical Professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology and Director of the Center for Sexual Health at Columbia University Medical Center. Her commitment to women’s health is evidenced by her monthly women’s health column in Redbook, where she is also a contributing editor. She is a frequent contributor to Essence, where she had a monthly column for eight years. She is the former sexual health columnist for Glamour magazine and has been quoted in Health, Allure, Seventeen, Self, Cosmopolitan, More, and O Magazine. She is a frequent invited speaker on women’s health and sexuality. Dr. Hutcherson is the author of three books: Having Your Baby: A Guide for African American Women, What Your Mother Never Told You about Sex, and Pleasure: A Woman’s Guide to Getting the Sex You Want, Need and Deserve.