Sexual Empowerment at the Water Cooler
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY is a book about a woman’s sexual self-discovery. It dares to explore the forbidden territory of sexual pleasure and desire, and it does so in a way that allows the average woman entry.
Now, I would never pretend that my life is that of the average woman—whatever that is. In my private life I am surrounded by a very experienced, sex-positive cultural milieu in which orgies are common, BDSM isn’t an acronym for evil, and people are polyamorous and polysexual. Nakedness is no shame: it’s celebrated. All body types and sexualities are welcome, and people are respected and treated with kindness and grace. I choose to be partnered but nonmonogamous. I don’t think it’s fair to ask my partner to pledge sexual fidelity to me, nor do I wish that for myself.
To me, Christian Grey’s proclivities for using rope, the flogger, or the riding crop simply express the desire to experience and provide intense sensation. The point of BDSM play is that you can experiment with sensations of pain and pleasure, and the roles of dominance and submission, without really hurting yourself or others. I’ve played with pain and pleasure. I’ve been flogged and spanked, and given such sensations to other consenting, requesting adults. I’ve done fire play, had my boots worshipped, and been rope suspended. I’ve done medical play. In short, I’ve even done things from Christian Grey’s contract on his “no” list in Appendix 2.
My sexual self-expression is abundant, joyous, and adventurous. I believe that sexual pleasure is something wonderful, empowering, transformative. But conditions in America have not been such that I would feel comfortable talking about my sexual beliefs or practices around the water cooler at work. We are very comfortable with discussions of actual harmful violence. We freely talk about stories of dismemberment, the acts of psycho-killers, things blowing up, and hand-to-hand combat. I don’t know why we are uncomfortable talking about bodies coming together in pleasure and joy instead of being torn apart in anger and hatred. Apparently, to the mainstream world, sex is unhealthy and dangerous on its face. Why else would Facebook ban the word “pleasure” from their list of acceptable page names? And if you try typing “sex” into Google you’ll find no suggestions provided by their “auto-complete” function. It took me a long time to figure out one could change that by going into “Search settings” and resetting their automatic anti-sex filter.
In our daily lives, frank discussions or portrayals of pleasurable sex are virtually absent, unless you seek out illicit “adult” fare. The media is replete with stories of sexual abuse and misconduct, but there is virtually nothing about sexual pleasure, thus we rarely discuss it in polite conversation.
It wasn’t always this way. In the ’60s and ’70s there was a cultural movement toward sexual exploration and openness. Yes, it was flawed, because it was often shaped by men, and certainly sexual behavior was frequently reckless and overindulgent, but its aim was self-exploration and liberation. The advent of AIDS, the general conservative political backlash, “abstinence only” education, and the bizarre coalition of the Christian right and anti-porn feminists caused the national dialogue about sexual pleasure and exploration to be shut down. Americans were left with warnings: don’t explore, sex is dangerous, don’t even think about the nuts and bolts of it—or should I say the sticky, sweaty, mind-blowing truth of it: that sexual pleasure is key to so much of our personal happiness.
Like most people, I live and work in places where I hardly ever give people even an inkling of my beliefs about sex and sexuality. In those rare moments when I drop little tidbits of information, people are generally shocked, and they think my championing of sexual pleasure is very outré.
This popular novel, Fifty Shades of Grey, exposes the general public, and especially women, to the deep and liberating exploration of sexual desire and experience. Through the experience of reading this book, women are given permission to have fantasies, get kinky, enjoy sex, experience pleasure, communicate equally, be strong, be adventurous, be fearless, be hungry and sensuous and celebratory and emotional and demanding, and—at the same time—be received, accepted, and seen as beautiful, loved, and appreciated.
Anastasia Steele is in essence an everywoman, “average.” Through her, the book clearly exposes the truth that although our culture wishes to define women via the age-old patriarchal gaze, “average” women are not simply virgin, whore, nurturer, or seductress. Inside Anastasia Steele we find intellect, curiosity, fear, courage, anger, shame, love, passion, excitement, and joy. She is complex, intelligent, and sexy. She is not a cardboard cutout. She is not one-dimensional. She is a whole person. She is conflicted, pleasure seeking, and full of life. She is a fully sexual being who is being aroused and erotically awakened by this man, Christian Grey.
Throughout the book, we hear Ana’s conflicting internal voices, and that gives her resonance. Inside of Ana there is “the subconscious,” who “glar[es] at [her] over her wing-shaped spectacles.” judging herself harshly and critically, and her “inner goddess” who wants to embrace life, dive into new experiences, and find where her passion and pleasure lies. The dialogue is familiar and authentic. These are the internal voices that articulate the struggle between what we think we ought to be and who we truly are.
Grey, too, is complex. The book is called Fifty Shades of Grey for a reason: Grey is a man of many facets. He’s fifty shades of emotion and desire and conflict, as we all are. And like Ana and Grey, we are all goofy, imperfect, full of doubt, pain, fear, confusion. We are stumbling, funny, flawed, and full of laughter. We are all creative, active, passive, controlling, and surrendering.
Christian Grey—and the reader—recognizes Ana as a real woman in the full power of her intelligence, one who is questioning, reasoning, examining, and choosing, in her own time and in her own way, what does and does not give her pleasure. Grey gets his hands on a woman at the very beginning of her sexual self-discovery. He realizes this, and holds that precious, newly born sexual self with tender care. He helps her become orgasmic, initiates her exploration of her own body, and leads her to the discovery that there are things inside one’s brain that can actually get best sorted out by fucking.
Fifty Shades of Grey allows people to think and have conversations about sexual pleasure and fulfillment. People reading this book experience the characters going through a journey of sexual awakening, and thus there is a possibility that they might come to think that they can explore their own sexual selves.
For me, it means that I might feel just a little more comfortable sharing who I am at the water cooler.
SELINA FIRE is a lifelong New Yorker, sex educator, pornographer, and hedonist. Corrupted by cult films and glam rock, she had her first threesome at age fourteen with her two best girlfriends while another friend watched. She had sex with a famously kinky rock star at age sixteen, and that set the tone for her life. She is most comfortable with the labels “bisexual,” “kinky,” and “nonmonogamous.” She has been a columnist for Penthouse Forum, has written for Britain’s Swing magazine, and was a regular contributor to the sex-ed website Carnal Nation. She is partnered and lives in Manhattan.