Fifty Shades of Sexual Freedom
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY combines three of my favorite things: it’s a romance novel with kinky sex that caught the attention of the media. I’ve been tracking the media coverage of alternative sexuality since 1997, when I started the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, working to de-stigmatize BDSM and helping people who have been hurt by the negative stereotypes associated with kinky sex.
Suddenly now everyone is talking about BDSM because of Fifty Shades of Grey. Reviewers typically describe the book like this: “Ana is a young woman who signs a contract with the wealthy Grey, who controls everything from when she exercises to what she eats.” But that’s not true—Ana never signs the contract. It’s simply introduced as the first step of the extended dance they do with each other.
Much of the tension in the book is created by the characters’ desire for each other without a desire for the kind of relationship the other wants. Grey wants a formalized relationship where each person maintains a certain role in their power exchange, while Ana wants a “hearts and flowers” romantic relationship. They set hard limits for themselves while also compromising and doing certain things to fulfill each other’s needs. That’s what makes it so hot. A couple talking to each other about their deepest desires? Who doesn’t want more of that?
That’s why so many women are responding so enthusiastically. There is a way to get the amazing sex you want, and it actually involves talking about it. One of the easiest ways to get that conversation going is to show your sex partner a book and say, “Hey, check out this scene.” That way you don’t have to say, “I’d like to try bondage and a blindfold tonight, dear.” Instead you can indicate interest in the activity through the characters, and that way if your partner dismisses the idea, it’s not you personally they’re rejecting.
We’ve been led to believe for too long that great sex happens magically. That there’s no need to tell your partner what you really want because, if you’re really meant to be together, somehow they’ll already know.
But in Fifty Shades, instead of the spontaneous, rock-your-world sex that you get from typical romance novels, Ana and Christian email, text, and talk about what kind of sex they want. Neither expects the other to be a mind reader. Fifty Shades Darker begins with Christian asking Ana why she didn’t use her safeword if she didn’t like the intense spanking he was giving her. He points out that he can’t trust her if she won’t communicate with him. That’s why they talk after each scene to make sure they both understand how the other felt about what happened.
These characters explore their feelings and desires with each other in a way that is very typical of real kinky people. When you’re playing sex games, you have to lay out the rules and set the boundaries together in order to be on the same playing field. Playing with power and intense sensations, as you do in BDSM, requires trust, communication, and honesty, and that creates true intimacy. From there, you can go anywhere together.
Unfortunately talking about sex makes many people uncomfortable. We aren’t taught how to talk about sex, so when anyone tries to speak up publicly, they usually get shushed. Consider the fact that Fifty Shades of Grey was banned from libraries in several counties in America. Other romance novels—notably the paranormal romances written by Laurel K. Hamilton and J.R. Ward—include graphic kinky sex. So why was Fifty Shades treated differently?
The content of Fifty Shades didn’t get it banned; its reputation got it banned. Fifty Shades has gotten the mainstream media trumpeting about BDSM in an unprecedented way, so social conservatives have made their own statement by refusing to acknowledge the book despite the big demand for it. Libraries should encourage more reading—yet when it comes to sex, politics triumphs over good sense once again.
A few people, like Dr. Drew Pinsky, question this sudden public interest in Domination and submission, and fear where it will lead. They claim BDSM is “violence” (which it’s not) and people must be protected from it—even though everyone in America is free to skydive, rock climb, and play football, all of which cause far more physical harm than BDSM.
The people who don’t get BDSM want to know why we do it. They figure it must come from some kind of cultural imprinting of the patriarchy or be a rebellion against the pressures of work and family or even some kind of emotional or mental health issue. There are fears that women, in particular submissive women, who enjoy BDSM are suffering from self-hate or insecurity, or are victims of abuse.
In actuality, some people are just hardwired for more intensity with their sex, whether that intensity is emotional, mental, or physical. We take the symbols that exist around us and use them to heighten our erotic response. And coincidentally, by working with your partner to get to these more intense places, you build an incredible trust and acceptance that goes beyond the mere physical.
Some people will never want to surrender themselves sexually, and some people will never want to dominate another person sexually, but a significant number of people do enjoy BDSM. We shouldn’t be shamed or told our choices aren’t contributing to the enlightenment of humanity. Sex is a powerful drive and ignoring or subverting it throws everything else out of whack. It’s hard to be a powerful person when you’re busy denying who you are.
So why is kinky sex still taboo? The persecution is so pervasive that I conducted two surveys in cooperation with the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (www.ncsfreedom.org) to find out exactly how widespread it was. We had 1,000 respondents in 1998 and 3,000 in 2008 and found that one in three kinky people have been attacked or discriminated against because of their sexuality. Some people lose their jobs because of their sexual behavior in their private lives; others lose custody of their kids. Some people are shunned by their family and friends because they’re having kinky sex with consenting adults. Others have been shamed by their doctors and their therapists.
Even law enforcement officials have discriminated against BDSM practitioners, prompting 90 percent of the respondents who reported they had been the victim of persecution to not report the crime for fear of additional persecution. As one survey respondent said, “I was sexually assaulted and because I was engaged in SM, my claim was not taken seriously and I was blamed for the incident. In the SM community, ‘no’ still means ‘no.’ People do not understand that.”
Kinky people are caught in a catch-22: sex sells, so we are saturated with sexual images in the media, yet our roots in the Puritan culture lead to sexual repression. We have a tendency to judge other people to determine if they’re doing right or wrong according to our own personal choices. Some religious political extremists have a self-righteous belief that theirs is the only true way to live. Those people work very hard to stop BDSM educational and social groups, to shut down events and prevent other adults from accessing one of the few places where you can safely explore your sexuality.
And yes, this kind of discrimination is also proof that we are living in a patriarchal society, one that is accustomed to controlling sexuality, usually women’s sexuality, most recently demonstrated in the fight around reproductive health rights. Men are allowed more sexual freedom—unless you’re a gay or bisexual man, in which case you’re fair game for any kind of abuse.
But when it comes right down to it, as long as your sexual behavior involves consenting adults, how you express your sexuality is nobody else’s business. We need to grow up and be responsible about our own sexual choices, and this national discussion is a good step. Anything that gets people talking about sex—not just sensationalizing it or making fun of it—is a good thing for Americans. We can see from the reaction to Fifty Shades of Grey that people are eager to explore their sexuality.
This may be BDSM’s Stonewall, our breakthrough to the mainstream and greater understanding. Who would have thought it would take Twilight fanfiction to get us here?
SUSAN WRIGHT has published over thirty novels and nonfiction books on art and popular culture. Susan is the spokesperson for the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, which she founded in 1997, and has published articles and presented workshops at professional organizations and universities on discrimination against kinky people, BDSM versus abuse, and media influence on the persecution of alternative sexuality.