Chapter 27

 

The next morning, Gwen woke up and found herself alone. She sat up in a panic and checked the time. It was almost noon! Feeling awful and headachy from the wine, she got up and made her way into the bathroom. Showering as quickly as she could despite the hangover, she scrambled to get ready. Where was Crispin? Would he have gone off without her? Maybe he was upset from all he revealed last night and needed to spend the day on his own. Even though he had every right, she couldn’t help but be hurt by the idea that he wouldn’t have, at least, left a note. Or did he? With that in mind, she wrapped a towel around herself and fled the bathroom.

At the very same moment, the room door opened and she jumped, clasping her towel. In walked Crispin, already impeccably dressed in black, hair perfectly wavy, carrying with him a little paper bag and two cups of hot beverages on a tray.

“Hey, looks who’s up.” He greeted her with a half-smile. Unable to sleep, he had gotten up at the break of dawn, gotten dressed and had ventured out for a long walk. He hadn’t gone too far. He had already stopped in twice. Finding her asleep both times, he had been reluctant to wake her.

“Oh, Crispin, you scared me,” she said with relief.

“I can be quite scary.” He averted his eyes from her loveliness. “Sorry for startling you.” Assuming she would want nothing to do with him after last night, he had already convinced himself that their little love affair had come to an unwelcome end.

“No, not you, exactly.” She giggled then held her head. “I thought you might have taken off on me.”

At her words, he frowned and scoffed. “Listen here, young miss, I may be accused of a lot of things. But I do not break promises or quit my responsibilities, ever!”

“Crispin?”

“Gwen, just stop.” He held up his hand. “We have a deal, don’t we? I agreed to be your companion and that’s what I’ll do,” he said, glaring at her, his eyes roaming over her loveliness, filling with regret. “Oh, and forget the rest. Let’s just get through this trip with some dignity.”

Unable to cope with his hurtful words and dark mood, Gwen sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed her temples.

After a moment he turned to her. “Headache?” he asked after a taking a few calming breaths. When she nodded and continued to cling to her towel, he took her tea and croissant and placed it on the night table. He then rummaged through his travel bag and returned with a couple of painkillers and sat beside her. “Take these, you’ll feel better.”

When she held out her shaky little hand, he placed them in her palm and waited while she took the pills and a soothing sip of tea. He counted the little beads of water still on her shoulders from her recent shower. His eyes took in the way the long chestnut waves curled up at the ends. Taking a deep breath, he took in her familiar sweet scent. Unable to resist, he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and caressed her cheek with his thumb.

“So, what’s on the agenda today?” he asked.

“I don’t feel up to much,” she said quietly, shoulders slouched.

Damn… now he felt awful for lashing out at her. But in truth, he had expected her to retaliate a little. He hadn’t expected her to back down quite so easily. Gwen was unlike Becky in that respect. He missed the spunky dormouse and the way she wouldn’t take his shit. Gracie, well, she would have just laughed and walked away. But as he looked at Gwen, he realized, she was different in a lot of ways, and her submissive personality was what he had found so appealing. It’s why they jelled so well. It’s why he’d fallen for her in the first place. It’s what set her apart. He would miss her. He already missed her. Truth be told, he had already lost his heart to her. His only hope was to get through the rest of this trip without losing his mind as well.

“Nonsense,” he said, reaching for her itinerary in the bedside drawer. Flipping to the appropriate date, he read her neatly written notes. “Hampton Court… good lord…”

“We don’t have to go,” Gwen said with a sigh. “It’s too late in the day anyway.”

“Come on.” He placed the folder back in the drawer and gave her naked thigh a playful slap. “Get dressed, have your breakfast, and meet me outside. We have a riverboat to catch.”

 

***

 

It was another sunny day and everything should have been perfect, the scenic riverboat ride along the Thames to Hampton Court and the tour of the Tudor Palace was everything Gwen expected it to be, yet both she and Crispin were quiet and withdrawn through it all. To be honest, she wasn’t even sure what his problem was except maybe he was feeling awkward after last night. She might have asked, but she wasn’t exactly in the right frame of mind. All she could think about was what he had said that morning. It had thrown her. She thought they had gotten closer, when in reality, it felt like they had grown apart.

For most of the day, Crispin avoided direct eye contact with her. It wasn’t until they stopped to read a plaque about Henry the Eighth did he finally open his mouth.

“Selfish prick, I’d be lucky to have one wife. But I suppose when you’re the King of England…” he snarked and walked away in disgust.

It wasn’t quite the place she wanted to start, but she was just glad he was speaking at all. Catching up to him, she took his hand. When he stopped and stared at her as if she were crossing a line, she smiled sweetly and said, “Whoever you marry will be the lucky one.”

“Right, as if anyone would marry a nameless bastard like me.” Freeing himself of her grip, he turned and stalked away

“I would,” she whispered, but he was too far off to have heard. “Without hesitation.” With a sigh, she followed him all the way back to the river to await the next boat.

On the way back to London, they sat outside in the open section of the deck. Gwen purposely sat across from him, hoping for some form of eye-contact. When all he did was turn his head to watch the passing scenery, she visibly deflated and was about ready to give up on any possibilities of a lasting relationship with Crispin after their return to Canada.

As Big Ben came into view, Gwen found herself in a state of melancholy. This was their last night in London. They should be celebrating and toasting the event with wine, dinner and a night of passionate lovemaking, yet here they were, acting as if it were the end of the world.

When she next turned her attention to Crispin, she found him looking at her with such sadness is his dove grey eyes. Unable to keep away, she got up and went to him. She wasn’t sure if he would reject her, but she was done with doing nothing.

She shouldn’t have worried. The moment she got close enough, he caught her and brought her close to stand between his knees, holding her by the hips as she swayed with the motion of the boat. Placing her hands, unafraid, on his shoulders, she then ran her fingers over his long wavy hair. He rested his head on her chest and let out a deep sigh. The words he spoke next, she would never forget.

“Coming to England was my last attempt to come to terms with the idea of being alone for the rest of my life. But then you ruined those plans with your eyes of blue-grey.” He paused and gave a great sigh. “You’ll leave me one day, just like the rest. But unlike with the others, I won’t survive the loss. Because even though, I’ve fallen in the past, what I feel for you far outweighs anything I’ve ever felt. Gwen, you’ve broken down the last of my barriers, seated yourself within my soul and tangled yourself around my heartstrings. When you go, you’ll only rip me apart. I won’t survive it, and it scares me to death.”

“Oh, Crispin.” She rested her head onto his, overwhelmed. It was then when she decided to put aside her own fears and say the only thing she could. “Would it help you to know that I love you?” When he said nothing, yet clung tighter to her and held his breath, she said it again. “Unlike all those others, who’ve come and gone, I, Gwen Mathewson, am in love with you,” she declared. “Crispin, my lucky Clover.”

“Don’t toy with me,” he murmured into her chest.

“It’s the truth. I have fallen hopelessly in love with you. I love you with all my heart. So very, very much. Not just as a friend. Not just for the sex, even though, I must admit, the sex is spectacular.” She remembered to use his word and giggled when she felt him smile, his hands tighten around her hips.

Just then the boat came to a stop, and Gwen wavered and landed on Crispin’s lap. Gazing at her with that all too familiar sexy smile, he said, “Well then, young miss, shall we make the most of our last night in London?”

“I thought you’d never ask!”

 

***

 

If Gwen had found Crispin affectionate before, she soon realized how much he had actually been holding out on her. From the moment she told him she loved him, he hadn’t stopped smiling. He hadn’t let go of her hand and when they walked, he even went as far as to swing their arms between them ever so subtly, and there was a definite skip in his step that was not there before. It was hard to describe. He was still Crispin but only more, way more.

“Come on, keep up, cheeky monkey,” he said, snaking an arm around her shoulder, tugging her in for a loud smack of a kiss on her cheek.

“Where are we?” she asked, coming up for air. They had left the riverside and without warning, Crispin had whisked her into another taxi. The next thing she knew, they were standing on a very busy intersection with huge signs and blinking neon lights. Nightclubs and bars lined the streets they walked. Kitschy shops were everywhere. Then it hit her…

“Piccadilly Circus, of course!”

“That’s right.” He grabbed her hand and spun her around. “London’s not just about art galleries and museums. Besides, we’re young yet, we gotta leave something for when we’re old and grey.” As the words left his mouth, he hesitated for only a second, allowing that old familiar dread to take hold of his heart. Would they be together that long? Could it be possible to have found a lifelong love, a soulmate? Last week he wouldn’t have believed it. But after a mere glance at Gwen’s smile, he stomped his onset of doubt back down. She loved him… She was in love with him!

“Hahaha, Crispin, you have a point there.” The realization that he was even contemplating a future with her, caused her heart to leap in her chest. While he hadn’t actually said he loved her in return, she could sense it, and he had said he’d never felt so strongly about anyone else. That alone gave her hope. She couldn’t imagine a better way to spend her life than to be by Crispin’s side travelling the world.

“Come on, let’s grab something to eat. I’m famished,” Crispin said, leading the way.

No fancy long-winded pub dinners were on the menu tonight. No way could Crispin sit still for long in his current mood. After grabbing a couple of kebabs to-go, they were off again. Gwen had never felt so free or laughed so much as they ran amuck through the touristy Trocadero Centre, playing video games, and virtual reality games. Gwen couldn’t quite believe it when Crispin challenged her to a bowling match.

Spilling out onto the street, still in stitches, laughing at the vision of Crispin, in his Goth glory, bowling like a pro, Gwen barely had a chance to catch her breath before they were off again. As they walked, she watched him from the corner of her eye and noticed his smile had not yet faded and she was glad of it. In fact, when he caught her looking, he gave her a wink and sexy wag of his brow.

“What are you up to?” she asked, recognizing that look. It made her nervous in a good way. Nervous and excited in a very good way.

“None of your concern,” he purred, draping his long arm around her shoulders, leading the way, looking for something or someplace only he knew.

“Ohh…” Soon enough they arrived at their destination and it all became clear to Gwen what he’d been searching for.

“No worries, I got this,” he said, leading her into one of the many specialty sex shops in nearby Soho. “We’ll be in and out in no time.”

Yikes! Gwen did her best to hide her eyes from the multitudes of sex toys on display, yet at the same time, she found she couldn’t look away. She was sure she had turned as red as a sun-ripened tomato at one point but then when everyone else in the place acted as if it were all so run-of-the-mill, she allowed herself to relax. Besides, she trusted Crispin to know what he was doing. Hopefully, he would find whatever he was looking for real quick so they could leave this place. Seeing some of the things on display, she breathed a deep sigh of relief when Crispin walked right by most of it without a passing glance. He did give her hand a reassuring squeeze now and again as he browsed, which she appreciated. Thankfully, they soon left the shop with a little bag of tricks, as Crispin had deemed it. She had been too entranced by a particular display to notice he had already found and paid for whatever it was hiding within the mysterious baggie.

“What’s on your mind?” he asked with a smile as they finally approached the Lemon Tree Inn.

“Oh, nothing,” she lied, still weirded-out by the visuals back in the shop in Soho.

“Hey?” He slowed his steps and instead of going in the front door of the inn right away, he turned and waited until she looked at him. He could her see her eyes darting from the bag in his hand, back and forth to her hands, to her feet, anywhere but his face. She wouldn’t look him in the eye and suddenly it hit him. He’d been on such a euphoric high, he hadn’t considered how seeing all that stuff back at the sex shop might have thrown her off. “You all right?”

“Yes, of course, I am,” she said too quick, but again it was a lie. Her anxiety was through the roof, and she didn’t even know why. No, that was a lie as well! This time she knew exactly the reason but was too upset with herself to tell him.

“Come on, let’s take this inside.” Without further ado, he led the way to their room. Once there, he set the bag on the night table and waited for Gwen to come out of the bathroom, where she had run off to, the moment he had closed the door.

Pull yourself together! Gwen scolded herself over and over, staring at her reflection in the mirror. As she undressed from her daywear and slipped on her nightie, she reminded herself she was with Crispin and that, no matter what, he was still the same sweet lover of last night and the night before. In fact, there was nothing scary or perverse about him and she knew that, but she still couldn’t get the images of some of the more risqué items on display out of her head. She was an over-thinker and she couldn’t help it. It was the way her mind worked and, no doubt, a huge reason for her issues with anxiety came with her inability to simply let things go without analyzing them to death.

Patience was not Crispin’s strength but Gwen was worth the wait. A painful half-hour later, she finally emerged, looking as nervous as a virgin in a brothel. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he tried hard not to laugh at the trepidation on her face. Not just yet. It would be cruel to laugh. Poor thing, she’s obviously petrified. She refused to look him in the eye. Maybe she didn’t trust him quite as much as he had believed. Her uncertainty only made him want her more. At the slight tremble on her bottom lip, he realized he had never set eyes upon a sexier sight.

“Come here, you.” He held out his hand for her. When she hesitated, he added, “Promise, I won’t bite.”

Master Crispin Clover made quite the vision, sitting there in the dark. For a second, she didn’t know what to do, but then he held out his hand, and just like that, all her fears disappeared. The moment he drew her between his knees and placed his hands on her hips, she relaxed and let out a big sigh.

“There, that wasn’t so bad,” Crispin said with a smile.

“I’m sorry, Crispin,” she whispered, resting her hands on his shoulders. When he didn’t even flinch at her touch, she smiled even more and pressed her forehead to his.

“I’m the one who should apologize.” He took a deep breath and allowed himself to enjoy her sweet embrace. She loved him. She was in love with him… the words looped through his mind as they had done since she first spoke them.

“For what?” She blinked her eyes at him.

“For not considering your feelings. Your reaction to what you saw in the shop said it all. I should have been more sensitive, and I’m sorry.”

“Umm, yeah, some of those things were kinda scary. You know, other than with you, I’ve never really done much beyond the regular stuff. And so far, it’s been real nice. But I suppose I started to think maybe I was in-over-my-head.”

With a kiss to her mouth, he sat her down on his knee. “Do you trust me?” he asked her, tucking her hair behind her ear. When she nodded, he hugged her close. “Tonight, when you told me you loved me–”

“I do love you,” she blurted, cutting him off. “Very much, and I want so much to please you, but when I saw all those things…”

He smiled and chuckled lightly, touched by her concerns. “Remember, when I told you that you only ever have to worry about me?” He waited, smoothing a hand over her exposed thigh until she nodded. “That means, you have no reason to worry at all since I’m only interested in a small part of it.”

“Bondage and submission,” she whispered. “But I thought maybe…”

“Maybe what?” he asked.

“Now that you know how I feel about you, that I won’t ever leave you, you might not need to…”

“Tie you up?” When she nodded, he hugged her close again. She made a good point. Perhaps he might even consider it. But could he chance it? If she did change her mind and left him, would he survive the loss of her love once he’d had a taste of it?

“It’s the truth, Crispin. I love you so much and I don’t plan on leaving you, ever,” she whispered into his ear. When he didn’t respond, she braced herself for the worst. Maybe he didn’t actually want her to stick around. “Unless you don’t me to stay with you.”

“God, you are the sweetest thing.” Crispin sighed, taking it all in, the embrace, the love. It was all so fresh and new to him, something he had yearned for all his life, and now, for the first time, he had it right there in his arms. “Of course, I want you to stick around. I can’t even begin to imagine being away from you for any length of time, now that I’ve gotten to know you. That is how in love with you I am.” As the words left his mouth, he smiled, overwhelmed.

So, this is what if felt like to be in love, Crispin thought to himself, a big emotional vacuum where two self-conscious souls come together and dance in circles. What a beautiful, confusing place to be.

“You love me?” she repeated, just to be sure she wasn’t dreaming.

He chuckled lightly within his chest, gathered her hair in his fist and angled her face to look at him. “Told you I wasn’t good at this relationship stuff. I could swear I told you earlier that I loved you.”

“Well, not in so many words, but I understand, you were upset and overwhelmed. I figured you’d get to it eventually.” She giggled, hiding her face to his neck.

Once again, he tightened his hold on her hair so she had to look him in the eyes. He then gazed at her and smiled for an unmarked stretch of time. Without speaking, he then cradled her head to his chest and just let himself breathe it all in for a moment. Sensing her eyes on the baggie on the night table, Crispin reached for it and dumped its contents on the bed beside them. “See anything scary in there?”

She took a furtive peek and then smiled when all she saw were a few lovely black and purple silk scarves, a set of furry handcuffs, and something else she hadn’t noticed at first. A shiny black feather which she reached for and stroked. When Crispin chuckled and shook his head, she looked at him.

“What’s so funny?” she asked.

“I had a feeling you’d like the feather.”

“What would you use it for?”

“You’ll see,” he said with a wicked smile.

He could see her mind working, and couldn’t help but wonder if she still felt the same or if she had changed her mind about the darker side of his sexual nature. Could he be all right without it if she decided it wasn’t for her? Could he do vanilla sex? It had been so long since he had tried it. “So tell me, how do you feel about all this now, having seen the contents of my bag of tricks?”

“Much better,” she said, relieved. None of it frightened her in the slightest. In truth, she was suddenly quite excited to try it all out.

Nodding pensively, he then gathered it all up and put it back in the bag. He was suddenly filled with inspiration. Traditional sex was not his style at all, and under other circumstances with anyone else, he wouldn’t have contemplated it, but for Gwen, well, he was willing to try.

“What are you doing? Aren’t you gonna tie me up?” she tittered excitedly.

With a smile, he thought about it then slowly shook his head. “Tonight, because it’s a very special occasion, I think we should keep things simple and put this all away.”

“Oh?” she said with a hint of disappointment in her voice.

“Yes, we’ll keep these for another time. Tonight, I think we should try this the vanilla way, to celebrate.” He watched her for a reaction and her smile was reward enough. At that point, he was ready to have her any way she wanted.

“Our last night in London,” she said with a sigh.

“Yes, but not only that,” he said as he slowly and methodically rolled her nightie up over her head. “My first time with a woman who actually loves me.”

“Oh, I do love you, Crispin,” she said with a smile. “I’m honoured.”

“I’m the one who is honoured.” Pressing her onto the bed on her back, he shed his clothes as fast as he could and covered her body with his own. Resting his entire weight on top of her, he only tensed for a moment when she wrapped both arms and legs around him. Overwhelmed with emotion, he gave himself a minute. He soon relaxed and took it all in, the beauty of it, the comfort of her arms around him, the love surrounding him. It was all he had ever wanted.

“I love you very much, Crispin. With all my heart,” she repeated as he entered her without hesitation. She couldn’t quite believe she was actually holding him in her arms, so fully, and without restraints. By the way he was holding her in return, one hand under her head, the other under her behind, she could tell he was loving it. They were locked together in that age-old embrace, both moving in rhythm to the beats of their hearts, and it felt amazing. Even without the bondage aspect, sex with Crispin was beyond anything she had experienced in the past. While he plundered and rocked his magnificent hardness into her, she could think of nothing else. Her mind was a lovely blank, only capable of feeling pleasure.

“I love you, too, Gwen. More than you’ll ever know.”