Chapter Sixteen

When Hendricks came to her that afternoon with news of his errands, Emily could barely contain her excitement. It seemed the blind beggar had done more in the space of a few moments than she had managed in a week. ‘He saw himself in her, I am sure. And has been reminded of the advantages of his rank. Thank you so much, for helping to lead him the rest of the way.’ She leaned forward and clutched Hendricks by the arm, as he sat taking tea with her, so overcome with emotion at the thought of a brighter future that she thought she would burst from happiness.

At her touch, Hendricks gave a start that rattled his saucer, and glanced down at her hand as though he did not know quite what to do about it. ‘You give yourself too little credit, Lady Folbroke. It is your devotion to him that made the difference.’

‘And did he say anything of me?’ she asked hopefully. ‘Emily, that is. His wife.’ And she began to realise the extent of her confusion. It was as if she was two people, and unsure which of them would deserve Adrian’s attention.

‘I asked if I should go to you with this news. And he acknowledged that you would need to hear of it sooner, rather than later, and that he wished to speak to you himself. You will have some contact from him in the next day or so. I am sure of it.’

‘That is good,’ she said, closing her eyes in a silent prayer of thanks.

‘Perhaps his outing this afternoon will shed more light upon his plans.’

‘An outing?’ This was news, but she could not tell whether it was good or bad. ‘Did he say where he was going? Or when he might return? And who accompanied him?’ She peppered Hendricks with questions, until the poor man held up a hand to stop her.

‘He would not tell me, nor would he accept my escort. He left word that he would not be dining at home. But I assume he means to return long enough to dress and then visit you here, this evening. Beyond that, I know no more than you.’

‘That leaves me nothing to do but wait,’ she said, getting up to pace the room. ‘I did not give two thoughts to the risks he was taking, for all the time he was gone. I just assumed that he would be well.’

‘And he managed well without your help,’ Hendricks reminded her.

‘It is not as if I do not trust him to take care of himself,’ she said, trying to convince herself that it was a fact. ‘But now that I have seen him, and know how reckless he can be—’ she looked desperately at Hendricks ‘—what shall I do? What shall I do if he does not come back?’ When she had come to London, she had been worried about household economies and the loss of her freedom. But now the thought consumed her that, if she should never see him again, it would mean that he would never know who she was, or how she felt for him.

Hendricks stared down into his teacup. ‘Lord Folbroke would be most annoyed with me should I leave you to worry over nothing. You need have no fear for yourself, for even if the worst should occur, you are not without friends. You will not be alone, Emily. You shall never be alone.’

‘But I have no thought for myself,’ she said, going to look out the window in the vain hope that she would see his carriage pass by. ‘It is only he that I care about. He is at the centre of all my happiness. And now that I have found him again, I must keep him safe and healthy, and happy as well. Just as he was this morning.’

‘Then you must trust him,’ Hendricks said. ‘In a few hours, all will be right again. You will see.’

At a little before eight o’clock, she heard the sound of Adrian’s step in the hall and his call for a servant to take his hat and gloves. She rushed past the footman, dismissing the servant so that she could tend to him herself, running into his arms and pressing a kiss upon his lips.

Tonight, though well dressed, Adrian was not his usual, immaculate self. His cravat was tied loosely, his brown hair was mussed, and there was colour in his cheeks as though he had just come back from a ride, or some other strenuous pursuit. He gave a laugh when he recognised the feel of her, and gathered her close in a kiss so hungry that it bordered on violence.

He tasted of brandy, and salt as well. She felt a strange wetness upon her own lips. When she managed to push him clear so she could wipe it away, there was red on her fingers. She reached out gently to touch his mouth, and he flinched and batted her hand away. ‘There is a cut on your lip.’

It was odd. For instead of the reaction she had been expecting, of a curse or another wince of pain, he ran a finger tentatively across the wound and grinned at her, wolfish and wicked. ‘So there is.’

She reached into her sleeve and withdrew a handkerchief, wetting it the tip of her tongue and reaching up to dab away the blood.

He pulled her close again, lifting her so that her toes barely touched the ground and gave a growl. ‘Kiss it better?’

‘I do not want to hurt you.’

‘’Tis a pity that the man who hit me did not feel the same. Of course, I’d pegged him good by the time he landed this on me. So I suppose I had it coming.’ Her husband was still grinning, blue eyes sparkling with an emotion that she had not seen before. And he kissed her again, as he had on that first night, as though he could not wait to take her to bed and did not care who knew it.

‘You were fighting?’ The words and the kiss sent her thoughts rushing back to the man he had been when she’d found him. She sniffed his breath again. ‘You have been drinking, haven’t you?’

‘And what if I have?’ He kissed her throat, fondling her body through the gown she wore.

She pushed at his hands, trying to catch her breath. ‘You promised me that there would be no more of that. You are too valuable to me to squander yourself. I was beside myself with worry over you.’

He paused, leaning his face against her hair. ‘Really, madam, you cannot expect me to place my calendar totally in your hands, no matter how lovely those hands might be. My life is still my own, is it not?’ But somehow, he did not sound particularly happy with his freedom.

‘Of course it is,’ she assured him. ‘You know I have no claim on you. But no matter what happens between us, it is very important to me to know you are safe and well.’

He leaned against her for a moment, as though his day had exhausted his strength. ‘And I thank you for it. It is good to know that someone cares. And you need have no fear of my condition. I gained it as any proper gentleman should. I went to White’s for luncheon.’

‘You went out again? And without me?’ She could not control the little shriek of delight she gave and threw her arms about his neck.

He gave her a pat upon the shoulder and shrugged as though the sudden change was nothing unusual. ‘I could not very well take you to my club, darling. No ladies allowed. Not even wives, thank God.’ The last was uttered under his breath, so quiet that she barely heard it. And then he continued, as if he had said nothing. ‘My taking lunch there should not be such an uncommon thing to you. I am still a member, in good standing. Anneslea was there, as was his brother-in-law, Tremaine. Good to see them again, after all this time. Anneslea asked about the eyes, of course.’

‘And you told them?’ She leaned away from him, staring into his face.

‘Unlike some problems, my condition is rather hard to conceal.’ He looked past her, not even pretending to see. Then he gave another non-committal shrug, as though his mind had moved on to other, far more important matters than the one thing that had consumed him for months.

She hugged him again and kissed him on his sore lip. ‘But what of this?’

‘After we got the niceties out of the way, there were others who were eager to share the news of the day with me. Some of which was quite surprising. It seems I have much reason to celebrate. My cousin Rupert was there…’ He frowned again, pinching his lips tight together until the cut went white.

That might explain his strange mood. She doubted he had wanted to reveal himself so soon to his family. And she knew from experience that Rupert had a way of ruining even the happiest of days.

Adrian seemed about to say something, and then smiled again, and went on with his story. ‘In the course of the afternoon, the bottle was passed around. We got to talking about what was possible for a blind man to accomplish. And then, someone got out the betting book.’ He gave another shrug, as though to minimise the foolishness of it. But it was coupled with a satisfied grin. ‘Some of the fellows and I went off to Gentleman Jackson’s for a bit of pugilism, as any proper gentleman of the ton might. Blindfolds for both men. Since I have the advantage of some sight, it would be hardly fair for me to go without. When equally blinded, it seems that I can manage two out of three opponents. A healthy average, I think. I proved quite good at finding my mark. If I can stay out of reach of the first few blows, I can hear the other fellow breathing like a bellows, and take aim upon the source of the sound. I am not as fast as I used to be, and my form was sadly lacking after this extended period of inactivity. But they could not fault my enthusiasm. Although it was a shame that the man I wanted to stand up with was not there to share the moment…’

‘You boxed?’ She did not know whether to laugh or scold him.

‘Just a little harmless sparring. No anger behind it.’ But the glittering of his eyes and the set of his jaw made her wonder at the truth of that. ‘It was a shame that dear Rupert was too big a coward to share the ring. I dare say, after today’s demonstration, he will not think me a helpless invalid, and will know to shut his mouth and keep his distance.’

And wasn’t that what she had wanted all along? She gave him another enthusiastic kiss.

‘You are glad that Anneslea split my lip?’

‘I am glad that you left the house in daylight, and spent time in the company of true friends.’ She stretched to kiss both of his damaged eyes. ‘And that you told them.’

Adrian pressed his lips on the top of the head. ‘It is your fault, you know, with your continual prodding that I do something with my life. And you were right. It was time. A little past time, I think.’ And then he kissed her on the mouth. But although it started as a gentle kiss of thanks, it soon became something different.

His hat and gloves fell to the floor, and he gave them a kick that sent them across the hall, clear of their feet. Then his empty hands found her body, moving from her shoulders down her back, crushing her breasts to the front of his coat so he could feel them, and lower until she could feel the first stirrings of his erection pressing against her belly. Though his injured lips were soft on hers, his tongue moved in her mouth, rough and hungry. The brandied taste of it made her drunk with answering desire.

It would take little seducing to gain her ends tonight. He would make love to her, if she asked him to. For there was no sense of playfulness in his kiss, only the demand for swift release.

And as her body readied itself to succumb, her mind whispered that more had changed than this. In the new world he was creating, there would be no place for secrets. And no way to hide his mystery lover from his friends, or his illness from his wife. Now that he had moved into the light, he was poised on the brink of yet another decision. And there was a chance that she might lose him for ever, if she did not talk soon and tell him everything. She broke from the kiss and freed herself from his grasp, then grabbed his arm and tugged. ‘Come. You may tell me all about your plans, over dinner.’

‘I have already eaten,’ he said, pulling her back and running his hands over her bare arms.

‘A glass of wine, then.’

He kissed her again, and said, ‘You know what I want. And it is not food or wine. Do not deny me.’ With one hand, he locked her hips to his, and with the other he pushed her breasts high, until they strained at the neckline of her bodice. Then he gave a yank on the fabric that covered them. She heard a button pop and her dress gaped. And he bent her back over his arm, and took her nipples in his mouth by turn, sucking hard upon them, biting them, leaving the exposed breast marked with his kisses, plain to see by anyone who might wander into the entranceway of the flat.

He was holding her so tightly that she had no breath to resist him. But the helplessness felt right. This was her husband, after all. And he was so overcome with desire for her that she doubted he’d have heard an objection, had she made one.

And then he paused, raising his head from her aching breasts. ‘Last night, and this morning, when you said—’

‘Let us pretend I said nothing.’ She answered hurriedly, for she did not want him to stop again. ‘Do not punish me for what I feel.’

‘I do not mean to punish you. I only wish to be sure that your feelings have not changed.’

‘They will never change,’ she swore, panting, eager for him to resume. ‘No matter what might happen between us, I will be steadfast.’

He seemed to flinch a little at this, as though he had hoped for some other answer. ‘Good,’ he said. ‘Because otherwise, I would not…’ And then it did not seem to matter, for he was kissing her again, undoing fastenings, pushing her dress farther down her body until he could stroke the tops of her hips above the fabric as he nibbled her shoulders. ‘Say whatever you like. Nothing stands between us.’

She gasped, and said, ‘I love you.’

He made no effort to answer with a similar sentiment. Instead, he said, ‘Show me.’ Then he pulled her, as sure as if he could see the way, through the sitting room and towards her bed.

She closed the door behind them. And before it was shut, he had pushed her gown to the floor and was tearing at his cravat to loosen the knot. When he tossed the fabric away and reached for the buttons of his vest, she stayed his hand. ‘You will not be able to find things again, if you are so careless.’

He gave a strange laugh. ‘Tonight, I am quite past caring.’

She stepped clear of her own clothing and kissed his bare throat. ‘Then let me. I have watched you, these last nights. I will lay them out, just as you have. There will be no mistakes. But do not deny me the pleasure of undressing you.’

He gave a chuckle that was half sigh. Then he stood still, his arms a little apart from his body, as though he were standing for a valet. She felt a tremor go through his body at the first touch of her hands.

First, she took his coat, feeling the weight of her own picture and the purse in his pockets, and set it on the back of the chair. And then the waistcoat, and the cravat that she’d picked from the floor, one on top the other, folded and draped over the coat.

She paused to touch him. Broad shoulders, straight back, trim waist—she had seen him in bed, and touched every inch of him. But it had never been like this, with his body half-hidden by clothing. She pressed her lips to the opening at the throat of his shirt, spreading her fingers over the linen, feeling. Then she pushed the cloth out of the way and kissed his chest.

‘You are a most interesting valet, madam,’ he said, stroking her body before cupping his hand to the back of her neck and urging her to take his nipple into her mouth. ‘A man could grow used to this.’

And she thought the same. He made her feel safe and cared for, even as he allowed her to care for him. And it was good to feel the hair on his chest brushing against her cheek, a hint of softness over muscles that were strong and sure. She stripped the shirt over his head, shook the wrinkles from it and laid it carefully with the cravat, then went back to him, rubbing her hands over his bare chest, before pushing him the few steps back to sit on the bed behind him. She sat on the floor to pull off his boots and stockings, stroking his calves, working her way up his legs and undoing buttons, pulling trousers aside and finding him fully awake to her touch.

She set the rest of his clothing by the chair. Then she went to the night table and doused the last candle so that they could lie in darkness.

As she did, he called out to her in surprise.

‘Does it bother you to have no light?’ she asked.

He reached to take her hand as she climbed up on to the bed with him. ‘You will think me foolish, but I have a fear of the dark, when it comes on me suddenly. I am never sure if the last of my sight is leaving without warning, or it is merely a guttering candle.’ He gave a nervous laugh. ‘With the lights extinguished, we are both equally blind, are we not?’

‘Yes,’ she said, surprised that she had not thought of it. ‘It will teach me to use my hands to find my way, as you do.’

‘In darkness, we could be anyone. We could imagine anything. Fulfil our darkest wishes,’ he whispered. ‘And no one will see.’ He kissed, long and hard, full of need, holding her so tight against his body as he did it that she could scarcely breathe. It was another proof of how easily he could dominate her, should he choose, and it made her shudder with anticipation. Then he relaxed back upon the bed to prove how utterly she had tamed him, giving her leave to explore him further, waiting to see what she would do with the freedom.

She straddled his legs, squeezing his thighs between hers and leaning forwards over him so that she could touch the muscles of his chest with her breasts. She could tell by his breathing that the faint touches of her nipples against his skin were as arousing to him as they were to her. He reached for them, pulling her breasts up and cupping them in his hands so that he could take them into his mouth again, rubbing them against the front of his teeth and nipping suddenly, then releasing them to blow them dry with his breath until they felt tight and cool.

She sat up and slid away from him again, running her hands down his abdomen, settling them upon his member and stroking it from base to tip, holding it against the skin of her belly in a way she knew he liked.

He let her work over him for a few moments before bringing his own hands down his body to meet hers, grasping her around the crease at the top of her thighs until his thumbs met between her legs, stroking her. ‘Slowly,’ he cautioned, while speeding up his own hands. ‘Let me last. I want to enjoy you the whole of the night.’ His hands came around her body, grasping her bottom. ‘Slide forwards. Onto me. I want to be in you.’

She glanced at the chair across the darkened room, thinking one last time of the sheath in his pocket. ‘Did you want…?’

‘Do not think of it,’ he commanded, as though he could guess her thoughts. Then he pulled her hips up his body so that he could rub himself against the wetness between her legs. ‘This will be better. If you still wish it.’

‘Yes,’ she answered, guiding him even closer to where he belonged. She bent forwards and kissed him and rose up on her knees so she could touch herself with the tip of him, as though that were a kiss as well. Then she eased forwards, just an inch, and felt the beginnings of satisfaction as he began to slip inside.

‘So good,’ he whispered. ‘But I want more.’ He reached behind her again, trapping her hips and forcing her suddenly down and on to him in one quick, smooth stroke, until he filled her completely. ‘There.’

She gasped in shock. She had forgotten how big he felt, resting inside her. And this sudden entrance was nothing like the cautious way he had thrust when he had last done this. Then he had seemed afraid to frighten her.

But tonight there was none of that. Before she could catch her breath, he was moving under her, into her. His hips rose and fell, bucking and grinding against hers as he sought release, making her tremble with excitement at the ease with which he controlled her body.

He slowed for a moment, seeming ready to withdraw. So she pressed against him again, guiding him farther, letting him slide deeper into her until she was sure that he would not change his mind. ‘You did not want this from me, Adrian. What has changed?’

He groaned, but did not pull away. ‘Am I hurting you?’

‘No. It is so good. I want it.’

‘Then nothing has changed. Say the words you said to me last night.’

‘I love you, Adrian.’ She tried to give an answering thrust, but he held her in place against his body. ‘Take me. Please, Adrian, make love to me.’

‘Yes. Again.’ He sank into her, sighing in satisfaction. He was stroking slowly now, in and out of her, making her forget that it could be any way else.

‘I love you.’

Then he slowed even more, skin sliding against skin, his hands on her back, moving to clutch her so that he could push with more force. She leaned forwards to lie on top of him. Suddenly, he rolled with her, over and onto her.

She dug her fingers into him, raking his back, afraid that he was trying to escape, and terrified that he would not finish what he had started.

And he laughed at her, as wicked as he had been that first night, straddling her as she had him and pumping hard into her until she lay breathless under him. She was close, so very close now, and he knew it. And he stopped to touch her face.

She nipped at his fingers, begging him to finish her, and he felt her eagerness and pulled his hand away and left her body.

She reached for him, flailing in desperation, and he grabbed her hands and rolled her onto her side. ‘No, my darling,’ he murmured. ‘I will give you what you want, soon enough. You promised this morning that I would have whatever I liked from you. There are other ways to join. And tonight, I mean to try as many as I can.’ He was entering her again, from behind, pushing up and down, and pressing hard against places inside her body that had barely felt him before. His hands were on her breasts now, circling the nipples as he thrust, his lips on her ear. ‘Does this please you?’ he growled, holding her tight.

‘Yes,’ she gasped, totally possessed by him, totally in his power.

‘I am going to make you mine, soon,’ he said close to her ear. ‘And then I will do it again. And again. I will love you until there is nothing left in you but need of me. And then I will love you again.’ He thrust harder and her climax began at the thought of having his seed inside her. And as she relaxed, satisfied that he would finally be hers, his hand came down to press between her legs and rub against her special place. He moved his thumb there in little flicks, keeping time with his thrusts until she broke again and again, mindless and helpless, shaking in his arms, crying his name.

And he felt her surrender and followed her, releasing deep inside her with a cry of ‘Emily’.

The joy of it shot through her in a final spasm. He knew her. In this most intimate moment, without sight or words, he had recognised her.

Then he groaned and pulled away, shuddering and covering his face with his arm, as though he could hide himself from her by the act.

She rolled to lie close to him, wrapping an arm around his waist and pulling at his hand until she could see the faint glitter of his eyes in the moonlight as he stared, sightless, towards the ceiling.

At last he spoke. ‘I am sorry. I did not think. But I have saved myself for her for too long.’

‘Your wife?’ she asked softly.

‘When I could not stand to be alone, and availed myself of the services of some nameless woman or other, it was her I imagined. Always her.’

He reached out to touch her hair. ‘This week has been different, I swear it. But tonight, when it should have been no one but you, I used what you felt for me. I lied and pretended to be what you wanted me to be. And while I did it, I thought of her. I did not mean to say that name. You are precious to me. It would not have been thus, were you not. And I do not wish to hurt you.’

‘It is all right,’ she said, trying to gain understanding of what had just happened. The man beside her was racked with guilt over feeling just what she wanted him to feel for the woman he had left behind. She rolled even closer to lean over him and put her hands on his face, kissing his eyes and his lips, and whispering words of love. ‘It is all right. It changes nothing between us. I understand. She is with you, even as my husband is never far from my thoughts.’

‘She is in London. She will hear of my visit to White’s. She will hear about my eyes.’

‘Rumours, perhaps,’ she answered. ‘But it will be better if she hears the rest of it from you.’

‘And I have heard things as well,’ he whispered. ‘But not rumours. More truth than I ever wanted to know.’ He pulled her down on top of him, into his arms, crushing her cheek to his chest and she could feel the pain in him in the vibrations as he spoke. ‘She came to me, on the day we met. And I was not there for her. It would have been so much easier, had I been there when she needed me. And I failed her, because of my selfishness. It must not happen again.’

‘Your words do you credit,’ she said, glad that he could not see the smile on her face, for there was no way she could have explained it.

He must have caught some trace of her mood, for he said, a little puzzled, ‘You understand what this will mean to us?’ His voice was sad, but resolute. ‘This cannot go on. I must go home to her.’

‘I knew that what we shared could not last, as did you.’ She gathered his hand to her mouth and kissed it lightly, in the dark, glad that he could not know how happy she felt. ‘And I know that you love her. You cannot see it, of course. But on the day you showed me her picture, I knew. You have worn the paint away from the continual touching of it. You want to be with her. You know it is true.’

He gave a weak laugh. ‘More than I understood. More than I ever believed possible. I can deny it no longer. The woman is my home, and all I could have hoped for, had my life been different. I wronged her horribly by keeping the truth from her. And I have waited too long. Things have been lost that can never be regained.’

‘You will not know for sure until you speak to her,’ she urged.

‘I know it, true enough,’ he said. ‘About some things, there is nothing more that can be done. And now, I must make the best of what I have left.’

She touched his face again, wishing she could soothe his worries away and tell him how little the blindness mattered. ‘It will be all right. But you must go to her.’

He laughed again. ‘It is most unusual to accept advice from one’s mistress on what to do about the deep and unrequited feelings one might bear for one’s wife.’

‘Your feelings are not unrequited.’

‘How can you know?’

‘Because I know you. And as I love you, so will she. If you let her.’

He pulled his hand away and wrapped his arms around her again, holding her close to him as though he were afraid to lose her. ‘And then, what will become of you?’

‘I will find my husband again, just as I planned to from the first.’

‘He left you.’

‘And yet I have never stopped loving him.’

He held her even tighter. ‘I know it is wrong. And that I cannot have you. But I envy him even a portion of your affection, just as I long to be elsewhere. I am selfish and stupid, and I want to stay with you.’

‘It feels so good to hear those words from you. No matter what happens, I will remember them always. But you know what we must do.’ She kissed him then, letting the warmth of his love sink into her bones.

‘This could not last for ever,’ he whispered.

‘Perhaps, in a way, it shall,’ she whispered back. ‘We are happy now. And we shall be happy again. I am sure of it. But you need to do this one thing, to make it all right.’