Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind. Therefore, the feelings you are having are also normal and natural for you. The problem is that we have all been socialized to believe that these feelings are abnormal and unnatural.
While grief is normal and natural, and clearly the most powerful of all emotions, it is also the most neglected and misunderstood experience, often by both the grievers and those around them.
Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior. What do we mean by conflicting feelings? Let us explain by example. When someone you love dies after suffering a long illness, you may feel a sense of relief that your loved one’s suffering is over. That is a positive feeling, even though it is associated with a death. At the same time, you may realize that you can no longer see or touch that person. This may be very painful for you. These conflicting feelings, relief and pain, are totally normal in response to death.
What about divorce? Are there conflicting feelings too? Yes. You may feel a genuine sense of freedom now that the battles are over. That is a positive feeling. At the same time, you may be afraid that you will never “find someone as beautiful/as good a provider.” These conflicting feelings, freedom and fear, are also natural responses to loss.
All relationships have aspects of familiarity whether they are romantic, social, familial, or business. What other losses cause similar conflicting feelings? While death and divorce are obvious, many other loss experiences have been identified that can produce grief. Among them are:
Death of a pet
Moving
Starting school
Death of a former spouse
Marriage
Graduation
End of addictions
Major health changes
Retirement
Financial changes—positive or negative
Holidays
Legal problems
Empty nest
Often these common life experiences are not seen as grieving events. We grieve for the loss of all relationships we deem significant—which are thus also emotional.
If the major loss events in your life have not been associated with death, do not put this book down.
After thirty years of working with grievers, we have identified several other losses, including loss of trust, loss of safety, and loss of control of one’s body (physical or sexual abuse). Society still does not recognize these losses as grief issues.
Loss-of-trust events are experienced by almost everyone and can have a major, lifelong negative impact. You may have experienced a loss of trust in a parent, a loss of trust in God, or a loss of trust in any other relationship. Is loss of trust a grief issue? The answer is yes. And the problem of dealing with the grief it causes remains the same. Grief is normal and natural, but we have been ill prepared to deal with it. Grief is about a broken heart, not a broken brain. All efforts to heal the heart with the head fail because the head is the wrong tool for the job. It’s like trying to paint with a hammer—it only makes a mess.
Almost all intellectual comments are preceded by the phrase, “Don’t feel bad.” In 1977, when John’s infant son died, a well-meaning friend said, “Don’t feel bad—you can have other children.” The intellectually accurate statement that John had the physical capability to have other children was not only irrelevant, it was unintentionally abusive, because it belittled his natural and normal emotions. John felt bad, his heart was broken.
When Russell and his first wife divorced, he was devastated. A friend said, “Don’t feel bad—you’ll do better next time.” Most of the comments that grievers hear following a loss, while intellectually accurate, are emotionally barren. As a direct result of these conflicting ideas, a griever often feels confused and frustrated, feelings that lead to emotional isolation.
Since most of us have been socialized to attempt to resolve all issues with our intellect, grief remains a huge problem. This intellectual focus has even led to academic articles that suggest gender is an issue in grief. We recognize that males and females are socialized differently, but our experience indicates that males and females are similarly limited when it comes to dealing with sad, painful, and negative feelings. Feelings themselves are without gender. There is no such thing as girl sad or boy sad, girl happy or boy happy.
We are not saying that intellect is totally useless in regard to grief. In fairness, you are reading a book, which is an intellectual activity. The book will ask you to understand concepts and to take actions, so clearly there is a degree of intellect involved.
For many, seeing this book’s title is the first time they have ever seen the terms “grief” and “recovery” used together. Religious and spiritual leaders have pointed out for centuries that we should look at loss as an opportunity for personal spiritual development. Yet in modern life, moving through intense emotional pain has become such a misunderstood process that most of us have very little idea of how to respond to loss.
What do we mean by recovery? Recovery means feeling better. Recovery means claiming your circumstances instead of your circumstances claiming you and your happiness. Recovery is finding new meaning for living, without the fear of being hurt again. Recovery is being able to enjoy fond memories without having them precipitate painful feelings of regret or remorse. Recovery is acknowledging that it is perfectly all right to feel sad from time to time and to talk about those feelings no matter how those around you react. Recovery is being able to forgive others when they say or do things that you know are based on their lack of knowledge about grief. Recovery is one day realizing that your ability to talk about the loss you’ve experienced is indeed normal and healthy.
Most important, recovery means acquiring the skills that we should have been taught in childhood. These skills allow us to deal with loss directly. Most of us are aware that there is no guarantee that our loved ones will be alive when we get home. Those who have experienced divorce also realize there is no guarantee that our spouse will love us when we get home. The skills of grief recovery will heal your heart if it gets broken and in turn allow you to participate 100 percent in all of your relationships. With the knowledge and freedom brought about by completing losses comes the additional benefit of allowing ourselves to love as totally as possible.
Obviously, recovering from a significant emotional loss is not an easy task. Taking the actions that lead to recovery will require your attention, open-mindedness, willingness, and courage.
We’ve all heard the statement, “The only things certain in life are death and taxes.” Those of you who are reading this book know that one more item must be added to these certainties: loss. We all experience loss many times in our lives. Despite the universality of the experience of loss, people know very little about recovery from it.
What we do know about grievers is that they’ve always wanted to recover. They seek help from all available sources. Grievers attend support groups, read pamphlets, buy books. After having done all these things, they’re still confronted with the fact that our entire society is ill equipped to help them bring the grieving experience to a successful conclusion. Over time the pain of unresolved grief is cumulative. Whether caused by a death, divorce, or other type of loss, incomplete recovery can have a lifelong negative impact on a person’s capacity for happiness.
GRIEF RECOVERY: HOW DOES IT WORK?
Recovery from loss is achieved by a series of small and correct choices made by the griever.
Sadly, most of us have not been given the necessary information with which to make correct choices. This book takes on the specific challenge of reeducating anyone who has a genuine desire to discover and complete the emotional pain caused by loss. We know that the principles discussed here work. They work for those who have experienced the death of a loved one, a divorce, or any other loss.
The death of a loved one produces emotions that can be described as the feeling of reaching out for someone who has always been there, only to find that when we need them one more time, they are no longer there.
Some of you will be reading this book for help in dealing with a problematic relationship with someone who has died. We might call this a relationship with a “less than loved one.” For you, the feeling is one of reaching out for someone who has never been there for you, and still isn’t. This is also true for those of you who need to discover and complete the unfinished emotions attached to a living person with whom you have a less than fulfilling relationship.
It is almost always true that loss as a result of divorce falls into the “less than loved one” category. Although divorce severs the marital, sexual, and social ties, divorce does not complete emotional ties. Without successful recovery, it is common for divorcés—male and female—to repeat their mistakes in ensuing relationships.
AN INCOMPLETE PAST MAY DOOM THE FUTURE
We have no moral, legal, religious, or social position about divorce. We have a very simple belief that everyone involved in a divorce is a griever. That includes children, parents, siblings, and friends of the couple. This attitude makes it easy for us. We always know that the primary issue is unresolved grief.
Divorce (or a broken romantic relationship) produces grief. This can become a life-limiting reality that negatively affects future relationships. Incomplete grief over a former spouse will dictate fearful choices. Incomplete grief will create hypervigilant self-protection from further emotional pain. Sadly, this excess of caution limits the ability to be open, trusting, and loving, dooming the next relationship to failure.
We hope you will recognize the need to go back and complete prior relationships in order to enhance the possibility of success in your current one. For those of you still feeling isolated and alone, we hope this book gives you the courage to complete prior relationships so you can venture forth into the world and seek a new, healthy romantic relationship.