In reading chapter 3, you probably identified with some of the experiences described. You may have recognized some of your own early life experiences in which you learned to process loss incorrectly. Almost everyone in our society has some kind of inadequate and inappropriate information stored in the computer of their mind.
It is only natural and quite healthy for people who are caught in a grieving situation to seek solace from those around them. However, in rather short order it becomes abundantly clear to the griever that friends and associates are not of much help. Even though they are well meaning, they often say things that can seem inappropriate.
Let’s start with one of the common phrases heard by grieving people. Whether your loss was from death, divorce, or any other major event, you may have heard, “I know how you feel.” This is delivered with great compassion, and with intent to soothe.
Most people report that they are anything but soothed by that comment. If the comment is well intended, why do most grievers react strongly against it? The answer lies in the ultimate truth about grief and grief recovery mentioned earlier.
All relationships are unique, no exceptions!
Therefore, no one knows how you feel.
Even a well-meaning friend who has had a parallel loss does not know how you feel. A similar loss is an intellectual fact. It is not emotionally helpful. It does not relate to the uniqueness of the individual relationship. The fact that my mother died and your mother died is nothing more than a shared intellectual fact. This personal fact is not much different or more important than our respective shoe sizes. If this sounds harsh, it is intentional. We must try to stop intellectual connections from overpowering emotional truths.
For example, if you had a warm and fuzzy, supportive relationship with your mom and I had a stormy, combative, painful relationship with my mom, do you “know how I feel?”
Let us repeat:
All relationships are unique, no exceptions!
As you understand and accept this simple premise, you are well on the road to recovery. Recovery means “discovering and completing” what was unfinished for you in your “unique” relationship.
The great majority of well-meaning people around us do not have successful grief recovery experiences to share. Therefore, they unwittingly encourage us to act recovered. This phenomenon has become so common that our next chapter is devoted to it.
THEY’RE AFRAID OF OUR FEELINGS
Very early on, society teaches us that having sad, painful, or negative feelings and showing them are somehow not appropriate. It starts with the admonition, “Big boys and girls don’t cry.” One can actually hear parents say, “Stop that crying or I’ll give you a reason to cry.”
Now, we don’t want you to get the idea that parents are insensitive, because that isn’t true. They only pass on to their children what they were taught. What they were taught was that sad, painful, or negative feelings and showing them are not acceptable in our society.
“Cry baby, cry baby” can be heard resounding around preschool playgrounds. This is proof that the lesson has already been learned by age four or five.
A small sample of the statements heard on a daily basis illustrates the fear that others have when we show our feelings.
“Get a hold of yourself.”
“You can’t fall apart.”
“Keep a stiff upper lip.”
“Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.”
As a society, we’re uncomfortable when confronted by displays of painful emotion. This all perpetuates a fear of showing the normal feelings that result from emotional loss.
THEY TRY TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT
From time to time, you may have wanted to tell a friend how you were feeling about an important emotional event in your life. You might recall how your friend listened for a while and then said, “That sounds really bad, but have you been watching what’s been going on in the stock market?”
This example, while typical, does not explain what is really happening. Let’s take another example and look at it closely:
A griever whose mother has died tries to communicate with a friend.
FRIEND: How are you doing?
GRIEVER: I’m heartbroken. I miss her so much.
FRIEND: Don’t feel bad, she’s not in pain anymore.
Look at this subtle change of subject. It is the griever who is sad, and the friend shifts to talking about the person who died. The implication is that if your loved one is no longer suffering, then you shouldn’t be either.
We should note that the skills and tools used by the friend in this scenario are no better or worse than those of most people in our society. The friend has been socialized with the same false ideas that we all learned. The friend is lovingly trying to execute the training received over a lifetime.
This change-the-subject attitude was displayed on the ABC television program 20/20 in a show about grief caused by the death of a pet. The program was really well done and very sensitive to a griever’s feelings. When the segment was over, the camera shifted back to Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters. Walters had started to get tears in her eyes. Her final remark before the commercial was, “Before I cry, let’s change the subject.”
The clear message to viewers was that showing feelings is not acceptable. In other words, “Let’s deal with our feelings by changing the subject.”
The attempt to shift from emotions to intellect is a dangerous and counterproductive thing to do with grieving people. Grief is, by definition, the emotional response to loss. The cause of the loss itself is intellectual, but the reaction to it is emotional.
That’s not to say there is anything wrong with using our minds, but where is it written that we can’t employ both intellect and emotions when they’re called for? One of humanity’s great gifts is the ability to demonstrate and communicate emotions. Yet society seems to place negative value on this gift.
Our reliance on intellect at the expense of feelings has reached epidemic proportions—particularly where grief is concerned. One reason is that the death of a loved one is not an everyday occurrence. If statistics are to be believed, we will each experience the death of a loved one every nine to thirteen years. Even when combined with other significant emotional losses, a major grief event occurs so infrequently that we never really get familiar with the experience. Because of our lack of personal knowledge, we continue the habit of dealing with loss based on misinformation. This habit leads to the unsuccessful conclusion of grief events. It is not surprising that people approach emotional pain intellectually. Since we rely on our minds every day, we’re far more practiced at using them.
Based on the informal surveys we conduct at each of our seminars, an average of four out of five reactions that grievers hear following the loss of a loved one imply that they shouldn’t deal with the feelings they are experiencing. The things they hear usually appeal to the intellect. Researchers have studied the statements typically heard by grievers very shortly after a death. Many of these comments are so common that they have been identified and can be divided into two categories: (1) those that are helpful to grievers and (2) those that are not. The unhelpful comments are all well-meaning but invariably appeal to the intellect or give advice that is difficult or dangerous to follow, such as:
“Be thankful you have another son.”
“The living must go on.”
“He’s in a better place.”
“All things must pass.”
“She led a full life.”
“You’ll find somebody else.”
“God will never give you more than you can handle.”
“Be grateful you had him for so long.”
These are all comments that we ourselves as grievers have heard. Since the griever is experiencing intense emotional suffering, these statements, which all have to do with the intellect, are quite inappropriate. Divorce and other significant emotional losses generate similar unhelpful comments from well-meaning friends.
Let’s not limit the discussion to the comments heard following a death or divorce. The following situation, which has nothing to do with death or divorce, illustrates how incorrectly others often respond to our normal feelings. One of our friends was having a party. Her teenage daughter, Mary, had invited three of her best friends to the event. As the party was starting, the phone rang several times. The three best friends each called to say they had made other plans. Mary was very upset. She went to her mom and told her what had happened. Mom said, “Don’t feel bad, there are a lot of nice people here to enjoy.” Do you remember that when John’s dog died, and when his grandpa died, the first response was always, “Don’t feel bad.” Here we go again—don’t feel the way you feel, because sad, painful, or negative feelings are no good. You must find a more acceptable feeling, something positive.
Fortunately, a close friend of the family was standing nearby. Mary decided to take another chance at getting someone to hear what she was saying. She told the friend what had happened. He listened and then responded: “Ouch, you must be so disappointed.” “Yes,” she sobbed. He hugged her. She thanked him for listening, went and cleaned up her face, and then enjoyed the party, after her feelings were heard and acknowledged.
Grieving people want and need to be heard, not fixed. In this true story, the family friend didn’t repair anything; he merely heard the emotion being communicated. That was all Mary needed. She could then make the intellectual decision to enjoy the balance of the evening even though it was not going to be exactly as she had envisioned it. To a certain degree, effective grief recovery is about being heard.
THEY DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT DEATH
Another form of distraction is how people talk, or don’t talk, about death. In fact, we’ve gone to such extremes to avoid talk about death that some of us can’t even say the word death. Think about it:
“She passed away.”
“He’s gone to his eternal rest.”
“Dad’s gone.”
“He expired.”
“We’ve lost Mother.”
Imagine how all this sounds to small children, who expect to hear truthful answers.
What happened to Grandpa?
Grandpa’s gone to sleep.
The child takes one look at Grandpa in the casket and knows something isn’t quite right about that answer. He’s confused but assumes he’s been told the truth. There must be two types of sleep. So he then spends the next six months being afraid to go to sleep at night.
We’re sorry to say this, but God has been given a bad name where children are concerned.
What happened to my daddy?
God has called him home.
For the next several years, the child is upset and confused by God. Don’t you think it might be more appropriate to tell the child what the parents believe to be the truth? “Your dad has died. And we believe that after he died, he went to be with God.”
Generally, it is best to avoid all metaphors when speaking about death with children. Developing young minds do not always have the ability to match reality with metaphorical images.
Our beliefs establish how we feel. If we have false ideas, we are liable to generate false feelings. The particular area that seems to have been the most shrouded in incorrect ideas is grief, so much so that the word grief is often replaced by inaccurate and confusing words.
When a loss occurs, a person experiences grief. Grief is the entire range of naturally occurring human emotions that accompany loss. When grief is incorrectly defined, a griever is unwittingly discouraged from following the normal sequence of emotions and actions that could lead to recovery. Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss. Of itself, it is neither a pathological condition nor a personality disorder. Pressure, burnout, stress, PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), or ADD (attention deficit disorder) are some of the false labels applied to grief. Those words have meaning and value when used in their correct context. But they become dangerous and misleading when misused.
Perhaps the most misused and misunderstood word on the topic of grief is depression. Tragically, it is the incorrect use of this one word that has engendered an epidemic of pharmacological intervention in grief.
We want this book to be helpful, without reading like a textbook. To keep this as simple as possible, let us give you an idea of what we mean. Clinical depression, as defined by a psychiatrist or psychologist, includes many of the same symptoms that a grieving person might report following a death or divorce. When grievers use the word depression, they typically are signifying “a lowered state of feeling or energy.” Let’s say someone’s spouse of forty years has died. Doesn’t a lowered level of energy seem logical? Isn’t the griever entitled to some diminished feelings as he or she adapts to the painful and confusing new reality? We think so.
Many people have been conditioned to seek a medical solution to a nonmedical problem. This can be dangerous. Treatment of grief in the form of psychotropic drugs can hide the normal and natural reactions to loss. Once buried, it is difficult to reconnect those feelings at a later date.
From a grief recovery perspective, drug therapies fall into the general category of short-term energy-relieving behaviors (STERBs). There is no doubt that drugs have the capacity to divert and distract. In certain circumstances, an individual can derive some short-term benefit from the use of low-dosage mind-altering drugs. The danger is in the illusion of well-being that often accompanies such treatment. This illusion may lead to long-term dependence on the drugs.
You may feel substantial pressure from professionals and family members to begin drug treatment in response to loss. Try to remember that they too were socialized in the same world that taught us to respond to feelings with substances. “Don’t feel bad, have some milk and cookies, you’ll feel better.” Be alert to the parallel idea, “Don’t feel bad, have a pill, you’ll feel better.”
We know that during this vulnerable time you may have difficulty making reasoned decisions. We suggest that you try to accept the naturally occurring pain caused by your loss and attempt the program of recovery outlined in this book. If you find it too difficult, you can always use the drugs as a second alternative.
We are not promoting pain. If there were a softer, easier way, we would tell you about it. Grief is painful. It is supposed to be. Our experience shows clearly that approaching grief naturally has much more long-term benefit than any other option.
THEY WANT US TO KEEP OUR FAITH
In 1969 John’s younger brother died. John remembers being told, “You shouldn’t be angry with God.”
John knew he shouldn’t be angry with God, but he was anyway. No one knew to tell him that anger at God is a typical response to an untimely death. We’ve relied on intellect for years, so we search for understandable reasons for events. When we can’t find a reason, we assign blame to God.
This anger will pass if we’re allowed to express the feeling. We have to be allowed to tell someone that we’re angry with God and not be judged for it, or told that we’re bad because of it. If not, this anger may persist forever and block spiritual growth. We’ve known people who never returned to their religion because they weren’t allowed to express their true feelings. If this happens, the griever is cut off from one of the most powerful sources of support he or she might have.
Faith and Feelings: There Is a Difference
Over the past several years, we have found it helpful to ask grievers to distinguish between faith and feelings. We realize that may sound like a strange idea, but most people sense what we mean by it. We have been discussing emotions and intellect. Now we need to address the spiritual aspect of grief. While it may be possible to find a direct cause-and-effect linkage between intellectual thoughts and the feelings that follow, faith is different. Faith does not require reason. It is spiritual, not emotional or intellectual.
There are two very distinct probabilities following a loss: (1) your religious or spiritual faith may be shattered or shaken, or (2) regardless of the nature of the loss, your faith is undamaged.
It is most often the death of a child or a sudden tragic accident that creates a major breach in a person’s faith. We suggest that the griever work first on his or her relationship with the person who died. After completing the pain caused by that loss, faith usually returns naturally, and often with renewed intensity. If faith does not return, we help people heal their loss of trust in God. We use the same principles to complete loss-of-trust experiences with parents, doctors, clergy, and therapists.
For those whose faith is not damaged, we encourage them to use the power of their faith to give them the courage to take the actions of grief recovery. Again, to use the metaphor of the flat tire, here are two choices: (1) to sit down in front of the flat tire and pray for God to cause air to get back in, or (2) to call the automobile club, then pray to God to have the auto club get there quickly.
Unresolved grief is always about undelivered emotional communications that accrue within a relationship over the course of time. Faith and prayer are wonderful tools to apply to daily living. However, faith and prayer do not, of themselves, discover and complete what is unfinished.
In religious terms, it is said that God helps those who help themselves. We agree. We believe that helping ourselves is taking the actions of grief recovery—discovering and completing what is unfinished for us in our relationships.