To make the choice to recover, we need to know where and how to begin. There are three words that help us begin the process of recovery: different, better, or more.
Whether the loss is a death, a divorce, or a painful estrangement from another person, the question “What do you wish had been different, better, or more?” will always help you find what is incomplete.
Let’s go back to John’s story from the day his grandfather died.
When John was sent to the principal’s office to be alone, it reinforced the lesson he’d been taught all of his life about not talking about his feelings. As John sat in the office and reflected on the relationship, he wanted to thank his grandfather for all he had learned from him. John had often put off expressing his feelings until a later date. Before “later” arrived, his grandfather died. John was stuck with the undelivered “thank you.” This was one of the things he wished had been different, better, or more.
John started to feel bad about the choices he had made. Many people in our world mistakenly call this guilt. Wishing that things could somehow have been different, better, or more is not the same as feeling guilty.
If we do not identify different, better, or more, we begin to make the death or other loss responsible for how bad we feel. As long as we believe that someone or something else is responsible, we’re unable to recover.
After recognizing the fallacy that “grief just takes time,” the next most difficult hurdle for grievers to overcome is the incorrect belief that other people or events are responsible for their feelings. Many have a tendency to say:
“So-and-so made me angry.”
“So-and-so ruined my day.”
“I’d be okay if So-and-so hadn’t done such-and-such to me.”
This attitude of nonresponsibility for our feelings and our actions is rampant. This too starts with early “influence learning.”
Mom says to the child, “You make me happy.”
Dad says, “You make me proud.”
Mom says, “Don’t make your daddy mad.”
As the direct result of being told that their actions cause feelings in Mom or Dad, children realize that the opposite must also be true. If I can make Mom or Dad feel something, then they can make me feel something. This is a major contribution to the “victim” mentality that has crept into so many areas of modern life.
To paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt, no one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission. But even with the help of that very accurate statement, we find it increasingly difficult to dissuade people from the belief that others are responsible for their feelings. When we make other people or events 100 percent responsible for causing our feelings, then we also make them responsible for ending our feelings.
There’s a story we’ve often used to illustrate this concept. We call it the “on the way to work in the car” story.
One morning a man is on his way to work in his car. He comes to a red light, and being a law-abiding person, he stops. Sitting at the light, he begins to daydream. Meanwhile, the light changes from red to green. Our friend doesn’t see the light change; the driver in the car behind him does. When our friend’s car doesn’t move, the guy behind him sounds his horn to notify him that the light has turned green. Our friend then rolls down his window and thanks the guy behind him for honking at him and calling his attention to the fact that the light has changed.
Whom are we kidding here? We all know that it goes more like this.
Our friend becomes embarrassed. No one likes to feel embarrassed. He sure doesn’t want to be responsible for causing his own embarrassment. He too has a lifetime’s practice of making others responsible for his feelings. So, instead of saying “Thank you” to the driver for calling his attention to the fact that the light has changed, he thinks: “Boy, that guy makes me mad!”
Almost at once, his mind becomes filled with plans and schemes to save face or get even. He rolls down his window, puts his head out, and does exactly what he learned to do in that self-help seminar he attended two years before. He reports his feelings: “Hey, buddy, get off my back!”
He then proceeds to drive a little bit slower in front of this guy in order to punish him for ruining his day. He knows he’s right about this one!
Our friend is angry and cannot see that he is the architect of his own discomfort. He doesn’t acknowledge that he is indeed responsible for the feelings that result from his attitudes and actions.
What ruins the picnic—the rain or one’s attitude about the rain? This is a trick question. The answer is both. The rain really does ruin the picnic, but you cannot do anything about the rain, you can only deal with your reaction to the rain. The same is true of almost all losses. What causes my grief—the loss or my reaction to the loss? Again, the answer is both. While we cannot undo what has happened, we can do something about our reaction. We can acquire skills to help us complete our relationship to the pain, disappointment, frustration, and heartache caused by what has happened.
Some people are ready to believe that a late bus or a serving of cold eggs is the result of an international conspiracy. Others think that the government is ruining their lives, or that the boss is the cause of their misery. But what this all boils down to is the belief that “they make me angry.” This leads to an almost automatic critical response toward anyone or anything we misperceive as being responsible for our feelings. We become expert at other-examination rather than self-examination.
As children, we could not change the actions of parents and other adults. Sometime after our childhood, we may become aware of events that happened before we had the power to alter them. We must take responsibility for our current reaction to what happened in the past. Otherwise, we will forever feel like a victim.
It is bad enough that horrible things happened to us. It becomes diabolical when we ourselves sustain and recreate the pain through our own memories. The problem is heightened by the fact that we were not taught correct skills to complete the pain caused by the memories of long-ago events.
We have been falsely socialized to believe that we are victims of events and helpless in our responses to those events, as well as to the thoughts, feelings, and actions of others. Therefore, we inevitably believe that the rain is exclusively responsible for our disappointment. Most people are advised to just “let it go” or told that “what’s done is done.” It would be ideal if the human brain and human heart could simply dismiss problems and move on. But it does not work that way. Nothing can change until you take responsibility for your own recovery. To assist you in breaking the habit of feeling 100 percent a victim of a loss, we are going to ask you to adopt a new idea. We ask you to take 1 percent responsibility for your part of what is incomplete. Inasmuch as a small key can unlock a large door, 1 percent responsibility can open your head and your heart to the path of recovery. For now, that means continuing to turn the pages so you can find the solution.
YOUR SECOND CHOICE: PARTNERSHIP OR WORKING ALONE
In a perfect world, the process of grief recovery would occur in a group setting. The stimulus of many people’s stories helps others create accurate memory pictures of their own losses. If you are reading this book, it may be because you have no direct access to one of our Grief Recovery Seminars or Grief Recovery Outreach Programs.
In the first edition of The Grief Recovery Handbook, readers were told that recovery from loss could not be achieved alone, that they had to have a partner. Sadly, many people saw that and put the book down. As a result, they did not take the actions that lead to recovery from significant emotional loss. Since that time, we have discovered that recovery is always possible, even if you’re working alone.
For Those Working Alone
If circumstances and events in your life make it unrealistic or too fearful for you to have a partner, then take the actions in this book alone. Don’t stop now.
We will present the applicable instructions for your grief recovery actions whether you are working with or without a partner.
Partners
We still believe that, if you have a choice, it is best to have a partner, someone who is working on their own loss. As a rule, they would be working on a different loss than you. However, following a death, it is not uncommon for family members to be partners. They might even work on the same loss. But since every relationship is unique, the recovery will also be unique. It is also perfectly okay within a partnership if one person is working on a death and the other on a divorce or some other loss.
You may feel that no one really understands the pain you’re in. You may feel that even your own friends don’t really comprehend your sorrow. When people say they understand, they really can’t. They didn’t have the same relationship that you had. Even other family members had their own special relationships.
Grievers are often told to seek others who have experienced a similar loss. Widows are told they can relate only to widows; parents who have lost children are told they can relate only to other such parents. This is false. We have found that anyone who has suffered intense emotional loss can become an ideal partner.
It may be that another family member is grieving over the same death. If you haven’t clearly expressed how you’re feeling, he or she may not know. You may already have a built-in partner for your recovery work in your own family.
If not, there are countless places to look for such a new friend. At work, you’ve heard people talk about someone who died. Your local health club, the grocery store, and your religious or social organization are all places where you can find another griever. Bring up the topic of grief at a social gathering. Everyone has a story. They may be thrilled to discover that a program of recovery is available.
When you do find potential partners, be honest with them. Show them this book and tell them what you plan to do. Ask whether they’re tired of hurting too. See whether they’re willing to recover with you. Don’t be discouraged if several choose not to. You’ll hear all kinds of excuses. Just keep looking until you’re successful.