In this chapter, we presume that you have either found a partner or chosen to work alone. Here are the specific guidelines for the initial partner meeting. Even if you are working alone, read this part. Some of the commitments and instructions, as noted, are also for you.
Your first meeting will not require a great deal of time. An hour should be enough. There will be five more meetings to process the actions outlined in this book. You will probably need at least two or three days between meetings to complete reading and homework assignments.
At this first meeting, establish which day or night works best for both of you. You will probably want to allow at least an hour and a half or two hours for all subsequent meetings.
Make sure you always choose a place that will be safe.
Talking about your losses will probably generate some normal and natural human emotions, which may be accompanied by tears. Crying is normal and natural, especially in response to thoughts or discussions about grief. But crying is not essential. Do not decide that you or your partner are defective if there are no tears. By the same token, do not put a false value on tears. Crying is not completion. One of you make a commitment to supply tissues.
Establish within your partnership whether hugs are safe for both of you. Some people do not wish to be hugged. Let that be okay. Also, as a rule, do not hug or touch your partner in the middle of an exercise. Wait until the end. Often physical touch stops a feeling that might otherwise be helpful.
In general, we suggest that you sit a reasonable distance apart, so that the person talking does not feel smothered or intimidated. Try to think of yourselves as friends having a conversation. This is not therapy. The topic may seem awkward at first, but the goal is to feel comfortable and safe talking about loss. We suggest that you think of yourself as a heart with ears as you listen to your partner.
You must make certain commitments if the grief recovery process is to work for you.
1: Total Honesty (for both partners and those working alone). When we say total honesty, we mean that you should be honest to the best of your ability about the loss events in your life and your feelings about them. Your ability to see and therefore tell the truth about these things will improve as you continue to work in this program. Total honesty means telling the truth about yourself, not about anyone else. Don’t slip into the trap of talking about someone else. You can tell the truth only about yourself. When it comes to others, you are only guessing.
In no way are we assuming that you, the reader, are a dishonest person. There may be some things that you would be unwilling to tell to a partner. The facts and details about certain events may be too difficult to expose. That’s okay. It is more important that you tell the truth about your emotional response to the events. Of course, those of you working alone need to be absolutely honest with yourselves.
2: Absolute Confidentiality (for partners). During the course of the work you must do, you’re going to talk about emotionally painful events and circumstances in your life. Absolute confidentiality means that you carry any personal information shared by your partner to the grave with you. Absolute confidentiality means you trust your partner to do the same. It means that you must never breach your partner’s confidence.
3: Uniqueness and Individuality (for partners and those working alone). The third commitment is to the uniqueness and individuality of each person’s recovery. Since every relationship is unique, each set of recovery communications is unique. And since every griever brings a unique set of beliefs to the process of recovery, it is essential that you not compare beliefs. Comparison often leads to minimizing or maximizing, not to the truth. No one’s opinion about your grief or beliefs is important other than your own. The safety of your partnership and your individual recovery hinges on each of you being able to communicate your own thoughts and feelings without interruption, analysis, criticism, or judgment.
Whether working alone or with a partner, it is essential that you support your recovery with commitments to take the actions of this program seriously, and to do all of the assignments in a timely manner.
Partners: Make sure that you verbalize and acknowledge these commitments to each other.
Those Working Alone: You are only required to make the first commitment. However, it is especially important that you take it seriously. You are also advised to look at the third commitment, particularly the part about not being judgmental or critical of yourself.
Both partners and those working alone should read or reread the first six chapters of this handbook. Make notes and underline statements that affect you. Note things that you relate to from your own experience.
Here is the list of myths John and Russell had learned in dealing with the losses in their lives:
Don’t be surprised if you relate to most or all of them. It is very common in our society to have been socialized with exactly these beliefs.
Using a clean sheet of paper, write down any of the six ideas to which you relate. Add any other ideas that you were taught or have observed in those around you in connection with loss events. This list will begin to personalize your recovery.
Next, review the following list of clichés. See how many of the comments you have heard and learned to believe. Again, don’t be surprised if most or all of them sound familiar. These beliefs about grief are very common in our society. Add any other comments you may have heard in connection with loss events.
“Get a hold of yourself.”
“You can’t fall apart.”
“Keep a stiff upper lip.”
“Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.”
“We understand how you feel.”
“Be thankful you have other children.”
“The living must go on.”
“He’s in a better place.”
“All things must pass.”
“She led a full life.”
“God will never give you more than you can handle.”
“You shouldn’t be angry with God.”
This list represents many of the concepts, beliefs, and ideas that you have been trying to use in dealing with the losses in your life.
Even though this list seems long, we’ve rarely met anyone who could not add several variations to it. Please do not perceive this as a criticism of you, your family, your church, or society in general. It is essential that you identify which ideas you are using to deal with grief so that you can see whether they are helping or hindering your recovery. Be thorough. The more truth you put into this exercise, the easier it will be for you to adapt to some better ideas of recovery later in this book.
Earlier we noted some false ideas that limit our ability to deal effectively with grief, including:
“Get a hold of yourself.”
“You can’t fall apart.”
“Keep a stiff upper lip.”
“Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.”
We must always remind ourselves that grief is the normal and natural response to loss. Grief is a human response that lets us know that for the moment things are different than they were before the loss. These four comments imply that there is something wrong or defective about us when we react normally to loss events. Yet it is normal to be overwhelmed when an overwhelming event or series of events occurs. It is normal to feel lost, dazed, confused, and frustrated when major losses affect our lives. It is common to hear that someone, in response to the emotion or as a reaction to loss, broke down or lost it. It is tragic that such incorrect language and ideas have poisoned our beliefs about dealing with the normal and healthy feelings associated with loss.
Begin by reaffirming your commitments to total honesty, absolute confidentiality, and the uniqueness of your individual recovery. As always, meet in a private place where you will not feel uncomfortable if you cry. Have tissues handy.
This meeting is your first real opportunity to determine what ideas you have been using to deal with all of the losses in your life. This meeting is the only one in which you will have a chance to talk in a general way about grief and loss and to discuss the things you have been led to believe. Later meetings will be more specific as you move toward completion.
There are three potential pitfalls. The first is a tendency to monologue rather than discuss. The second is to become analytical, critical, or judgmental. The third is to bring in ideas from religious, spiritual, intellectual, therapeutic, or twelve-step philosophies. While all of those arenas have substantial value in day-to-day living, their ideas are often confusing when applied to grief.
The objectives are to establish that each of you has substantial misinformation about dealing with loss and to create safety between you. Safety will help reduce isolation and increase participation. You may be surprised to see how much you have in common.
Each of you, in turn, will read your list of myths. These will be some or all of the six myths that John and Russell learned early in their lives. Spend some time discussing the impact those myths had on your life.
Then, taking turns, read your list of other ideas that illustrate the concepts and beliefs you have been using to deal with loss. Again, spend some time discussing the impact those myths have had on your life.
Make plans for your next meeting.
For Those Working Alone
Set aside some time to reread the first six chapters. Review the lists you made and compare them with those in the book. Think about the impact they have had on your life and then jot down notes about that impact. Ask yourself this awkward question: “Am I working alone in part because of some of the beliefs I learned about dealing with painful feelings?”