Throughout this book we have referred to how we do things in our seminars. Most of the exercises translate easily into a format appropriate to a book, but some things require a little more explanation. One of them is coming to an understanding of exactly what constitutes emotional incompleteness.
In our three-day seminar for grievers, we are able to illustrate incompleteness by asking a few questions. On the second day, we ask one person whether he or she has had any positive thoughts or feelings about one of the other participants. When the answer is yes, we ask what the positive idea was. Usually it is something like, “I admired her courage,” or, “I liked his openness.” We ask, “Did you tell him?” The respondent says no. Then we ask, “What if he had died before you told him? Who would be left with the undelivered communication?” The response: “I would.” Then we ask, “If you became incomplete with a stranger in one day, what have you done over a lifetime with family members, friends, and others?”
Incompleteness is not limited to major events. It is an accumulation of undelivered communications, large and small, that have emotional value to you. To the best of our knowledge, only the living grieve. It is essential that we complete what is unfinished for us.
Sometimes incompleteness is caused by our actions or nonactions. Other times it is caused by circumstances outside of our control.
One sad story illustrates unfinished emotions caused by circumstances.
A young boy ran across the front yard, hurrying to catch the school bus. As he ran, his mom yelled from the front porch, “Timmy, tuck in your shirt, what will the neighbors think?” Several hours later, the police knocked on the mother’s front door. Her son Timmy had been killed in a freak accident in the schoolyard.
In addition to the unimaginable pain that the mother was suffering, which last communication do you think she wished had been different? We are not suggesting that if her last interaction with Timmy had been different, she would have felt any less pain. What we are suggesting is her last remark to her son definitely fits into the category of things we wish had ended different, better, or more. We rarely ever know which interaction will be our last. It is not abnormal in many of our relationships to table a few topics that we plan to deal with later. This is not necessarily procrastination, just a plan for later. But following a death or a divorce, such postponements often are some of the ingredients of incompleteness.
While death and divorce are obvious arenas for incomplete emotions, what about other losses? Often when we look back on difficult relationship with living people—parents, siblings, and others—we recognize many things that we wish had been different, better, or more. All too frequently, it is the accumulation of undelivered communications that limits us in these relationships as well.
Sometimes incompleteness is caused or exaggerated by others. Some people will not allow us to say meaningful things to them. Since we cannot force them to listen to us, we often get trapped with these undelivered communications, both positive and negative. Sometimes we are afraid to say emotionally charged things. Or we have been waiting for the right moment or circumstances. Sometimes the right time never comes. Or we forget. Or we get sidetracked. And then someone dies. And we are stuck with the undelivered emotional communication.
In short, emotional incompleteness is any undelivered emotional communication. Sometimes we’re not sure what we said or did. This can cause feelings of incompleteness. Sometimes we are not sure whether the other person heard us, or whether they received our communication the way we intended. This also can leave us feeling unfinished.
Please hear this. Being emotionally incomplete does not mean that you are bad. It does not mean that you are defective. It only means that a variety of circumstances and actions or nonactions have robbed you of the opportunity to be complete.
HOW TO IDENTIFY WHAT IS INCOMPLETE
In essence, your Loss History Graph was an itemization of past grieving experiences. At the end of this section are instructions for using your Loss History Graph to help identify which loss or losses are still emotionally incomplete. As you look at your Loss History Graph, you may sense a wide range of emotions attached to the people, the events, and the relationships listed there. When reminded of a loss, you might feel sad. This is entirely normal.
Your objective is to discover those relationships that are incomplete. In order to do so, it is helpful if you can try to distinguish between pain and sadness. Some of the clues that might help you are:
We have feelings in response to every life change that occurs. Most of these changes are small and insignificant and cause little or no discomfort. Yet some have had a lasting impact on our attitudes and outlooks on life. The more intense these feelings are, the higher the probability that they are unresolved or incomplete.
Motivation to attend our seminars and outreach programs is usually prompted by a recent loss. The actions of recovery usually lead to an awareness that you have other incomplete relationships. You may make a similar discovery as you work through this book.
You are ready to identify the loss that is most incomplete for you. While it could be a death, remember, loss is not limited to death. For most people, divorce implies emotional incompleteness. Many of our relationships with living people—parents, siblings, other relatives, friends—may also be incomplete.
Instructions
MORE HELP CHOOSING THE FIRST LOSS TO WORK ON AND QUESTIONS ABOUT OTHER LOSSES
Over the years people have asked us which loss to work on first. A common question comes from people who had a parent die when they were young—usually between birth and age 10. Although that death dramatically affected their lives, they wonder if it’s the correct first loss to work on.
We also get inquiries about losses other than death and divorce. Those questions often involve alcoholism, mental illness, and various kinds of abuse; or about dealing with Alzheimer’s and similar conditions. And many people ask us how to deal with loss of faith, or career or health issues.
A new section called More on Choices and Other Losses begins. It contains additional explanations about choosing the first loss to work on, and guidance for dealing with “other losses.” Even if you’ve already chosen which loss to work on first, we suggest you read the new section before you start the Relationship Graph exercise in the next chapter.