To create an accurate memory picture of a relationship, it is helpful to use a clear-cut format. Over the years we have developed an extremely simple process that is very likely to help you discover what is unfinished for you.
As always, we recommend that you not take shortcuts. If you use the format exactly as suggested, it is almost always successful. In fact, most problems occur when someone tries to change the format.
THE RELATIONSHIP GRAPH IS DIFFERENT FROM THE LOSS HISTORY GRAPH
In the Loss History Graph, we focused on loss; we listed sad, painful, or negative life events that we remembered. The point of the Relationship Graph is to take a complete and detailed look at one relationship. Positive or happy events are marked above the center line, and negative or sad events below the line.
At some point after a loss occurs, our brains begin a review, searching for what was never communicated or completed. You may or may not be aware that this review began very soon after the loss. In fact, the review continues intermittently until the loss is completed. The purpose of the Relationship Graph is to help you tap into that review and use it to discover what is unfinished for you so that you can then complete it.
To resolve an emotionally incomplete loss, you must complete it. Completing does not mean that you will forget your loved one. What we are completing is our relationship to the pain caused by the loss. We are completing anything that was left unfinished at the time of the loss. The only thing that can stop you now is the fear that you’ll forget your loved one. That is not possible.
The three aspects of relationships that we focus on are physical, emotional, and spiritual.
Death ends the physical relationship we had. We can no longer touch or speak to the other person in the same way. Divorce dramatically changes the physical relationship we had with our spouse. We do not touch them or even talk with them in the same way.
Emotional relationships include all of the feelings we may have about another person or even a pet. Those feelings are not limited to happy or positive but include painful and negative emotions. When a death or divorce occurs, we must discover and complete whatever is incomplete at the time of the loss. While the physical relationship ended or changed, the emotional relationship continues in our memory.
The spiritual aspect of our relationships is more difficult to define. We all have differing ideas about spirituality. For our purposes, spiritual aspects are those that are neither physical nor emotional. It is that intangible something that makes you sense a connection to others. Your spiritual connection also does not end when a death or divorce occurs.
Since grief is the normal and natural emotional response to loss, the vast majority of this book relates to emotions. Successful completion of unfinished emotions allows us to become complete with the often painful reality that the physical relationship has ended.
Grief recovery affects the quality of your life. Completion of unfinished emotions does not interfere with any religious, philosophical, or spiritual beliefs you may have about seeing someone again in heaven.
ACCURATE MEMORY PICTURES: YOUR PART
We talked about grievers having a tendency to create larger-than-life memory pictures. It is unlikely that you would be able to complete with someone you consider a saint or a devil. You can complete your loss only by acknowledging the truth. If you recall, the first commitment you made in this book was to tell the truth. Enshrinement or bedevilment is not the truth.
We’ve talked to grievers following the death of a loved one, and in no time at all they began telling us about someone who never made a mistake in his or her entire life. They talk only about the good and positive aspects of their loved one. When we listen closely, we’ll even hear: “I should have appreciated him more while I had him. He was a perfect husband.” We have heard the same kind of comments following the breakup of long-term romantic relationships and marriages. This kind of exaggerated, one-sided memory is really the function of a broken heart that does not know a better way to communicate the truth.
As much as you love the person who died, or even the person you are divorced from, he or she was not perfect—as you are not perfect. Every relationship, even the most ideal, has its ups and downs. When you are taking these grief recovery actions, you can only be responsible for your part. If you’re remembering your loved ones as you wish they were, not as they truly were, it becomes impossible to complete your emotional relationship with them. An accurate memory of your loved ones is much stronger and will be cherished more than a fantasy about them.
The essence of recovery is contained in the premise of being totally honest about ourselves in relation to others. However, as humans, it is virtually impossible not to have impressions and opinions about others. So we must allow that our perception of others may limit or restrict our recovery. Being supercritical of what others did or did not do usually leads to an inaccurate appraisal of our relationship with them.
It may seem that this book is overly directed at helping people complete their relationship with a “loved one” who has died. We’re sure there are many people reading this book who still grieve about someone they didn’t like. Your feelings may be ones of strong resentment or even hate. Even so, this program of grief recovery will work for you. We will have more to say about resentments in relationships as we progress through the recovery actions.
We are going to take an in-depth look at a relationship with an eye to discovering what we wish had ended different, better, or more, as well as the unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future. We will be looking for the things we wish we had said or not said. We will be looking for the things we wish we had done or not done. And we will be looking for the things we wish the other person had said or done.
Some relationships are more loving than others. Indeed, some relationships are more complete than others. However, we have yet to meet anyone who had no undelivered emotional communications at all. We have met people who were afraid or unwilling to look honestly at their own part of what might have been unfinished. We have met people who had so much misinformation as to believe that anything honest they might say could hurt someone who had died.
Let us reemphasize at this point that the motive is not to hurt or destroy memories or relationships. This remains a private acknowledgment, confined to yourself or to a partner who is sworn to confidentiality.
EVEN LONG ILLNESSES END IN UNFINISHED BUSINESS
Question: After a long-term illness, during which you took care of your dying loved one twenty-four hours a day and talked with him or her about everything, could there still be something unfinished between you? Answer: Yes!
Why? Partially because both the patient and the caretaker are preoccupied during a long-term illness with treatment, comfort, and medication. Partially because it is virtually impossible to talk directly with someone exactly as you would talk to someone else about him or her. And finally, because the death itself provokes an intensity of review that cannot be duplicated while the loved one is still alive. Let us illustrate that point. If you have been involved in a loved one’s long-term illness, you will recall that no matter how well you may have thought you were prepared, no matter how willing you were to accept what was going to happen, you were still massively affected when the death actually happened. The finality, the absoluteness, of death upgrades what the brain can do in its search for unfinished business.
Is divorce the same? Yes and no. Divorce is the death of a relationship as well as the accompanying hopes, dreams, and expectations. Feelings about the end of a relationship can begin long before any legal proceedings are initiated. For some, the feelings start during the trip to a lawyer to start a divorce. For others, the feelings don’t click in until the formal declaration of divorce is issued by the state. When the sense of finality kicks in, it unleashes the same powerful search by the brain and the heart for things unfinished. But while death automatically signals the end of the physical relationship, divorce changes the physical relationship.
HOPES, DREAMS, AND EXPECTATIONS
Death is never a singular event. In addition to the actual death, there is the death of all the hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future. Divorces and other relationship breakups conform to the same idea.
In positive relationships, our hopes and dreams relate to the ongoing experience of being together and all the events that are likely to occur over time. Many couples look forward to retirement. They have extensive plans for traveling and pursuing a whole host of hobbies and recreations. All too often, one partner dies before the couple is able to actualize all of those plans. Many of our other positive relationships contain visions for the future. Those pictures also end with a death.
In negative relationships, there is inevitably the hope that someday we will get some fences mended, or that the other person will apologize for what we believe he or she has done to harm us. Many people grew up in dysfunctional homes, surrounded by alcoholism or other debilitating conditions. As children, they didn’t always know there was a different way to live. Sometimes, as adults, they realize that they missed out on a normal, healthy childhood. It is essential that they grieve and complete the pain from their childhood. In effect, they must look backward at what they now realize would have been normal hopes, dreams, and expectations.
Some people have horrible relationships with parents or siblings. Occasionally, they are able to work out their differences and arrive at a new positive relationship. As they reunite, they automatically begin to have normal hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future. Much too often, these rekindled relationships are cut short by an untimely death. “I finally got my dad back. We had so much catching up to do. But he had a sudden heart attack and died before we could really begin to enjoy each other.”
It is essential that you understand the power of the unfinished emotions attached to future events. You will see and hear many things that remind you of the plans you had with the one who died, or from whom you are divorced. It is important to complete as much as you can now, to help you in the future when there are other reminders.
Soon we will give you instructions for making your relationship graph. We will start by giving you examples.
John’s Relationship Graph with His Younger Brother
’49—My younger brother is born. It isn’t marked above or below the line. That’s because I want to tell you a story of poor communication. I’m sure I noticed my mother was pregnant, and I must have asked her what it meant. When she told me it meant I’d have a new brother or sister, I was happy. But I must have been confused because I thought he’d be my size when he arrived. I already had an older brother, so I knew brothers were my size. When they brought him home, I was shocked. He wasn’t even big enough to play ball with us. That’s my first conscious memory of my younger brother.
’56—My younger brother breaks my bow and arrow. I was angry about it. I’d told him to leave it alone, but he was only seven and wanted to do all the things his older brothers did. I was pretty rough on him and made him cry.
’58—My brother comes to me for comfort and protection. Our parents had been arguing, and he was terrified. He came and crawled into my bed and wanted to know if he could stay with me. I felt very proud that he knew he was safe with me.
’62—I go into the military service. My older brother and younger brother had a going-away party for me. They both told me they loved me and to be safe. I always knew they loved me, but it was nice to hear.
’64—My younger brother wrecks my car. I was overseas and had told him not to use my car. Fifteen-year-olds don’t listen well. So one day, when my mother was at work, he decided to go for a ride. The ride ended up a telephone pole.
’65—I come home from the service. When my brother opened the front door, I couldn’t believe he had grown so much. He had grown taller than me. He’d become the man of the house. I was proud of him.
’67—My younger brother lives with me in California. If you’ll notice, the graph is marked both above and below line. We had our ups and downs. He didn’t want to come home when I wanted him to. I got to see what it was like to be a parent. He wouldn’t make his bed, wouldn’t put gas in the car, ran up huge phone bills calling his girlfriend back home. At the same time, we went places together, laughed, and had a great time. He and I became friends as well as brothers.
This was also the year of our biggest argument. He was talking about getting married. I didn’t think that was a very good idea. We fought like cats and dogs. He eventually stayed in school and the situation calmed down. I never took the time to clear up the bad feelings.
’69—My brother dies. Our last conversation was over the phone. He and his friends were on their way to visit me in California. They’d stopped for the day and decided to nap. Before doing that, he called me on the phone. The boys were in Las Vegas. They’d never been there before and wanted to see the lights. As usual, he was out of money and wanted to “borrow” some. I told him to go to one of the hotels where I had some friends and they’d give him some money. I hung up after saying, “See you tomorrow.”
I never saw him tomorrow. He died that afternoon. How I wished, at the time, that my last conversation had included “I love you.” There were other times I wished our conversations had been more feeling-oriented and honest.
John knew and loved his brother for twenty years, but when he did the Relationship Graph for the first time, not many events came to light. When he did start to remember events, at first glance they seemed trivial. Nevertheless, they were associated with the feelings he wished he had acknowledged. It was these undelivered communications he wished had been different, better, or more.
We turn now to Russell’s Relationship Graph, where the undelivered communications are highlighted in bold.
Russell’s Relationship Graph with
His Former Wife Vivienne
’68—We meet on a Sunday. Her name was Vivienne. We married on Tuesday. For me, she was The One. I was smitten. She was very cute. Being from London, she was sophisticated. Looking back, I realize that while she was only nineteen, her English accent and London ways made her seem older to me. I was twenty-five.
’69—Sometimes she appears to be upset with me. My complaint was not that she was upset with me, but how she did or didn’t communicate about it. She was always very quiet, but even more so when there was a problem. I had to forgive her for her unwillingness and inability to tell me what was going on. I often felt in the dark, and I resorted to guessing what had upset her. It was very frustrating.
’70—I have strong opinions about how we should run our business. I am very verbal and can be self-righteous and dominating. Try as she might, she could not get me to budge off some self-defeating attitudes. She tried to reason with me, but most often I overruled her. Many of the decisions I made in those circumstances led to real business problems later. I have no doubt that they also contributed to our divorce. As I looked at my part of that relationship honestly, I realized that I owed her an apology for being overbearing and dogmatic. Not only was I sorry for what happened to me and the business, but I was genuinely sorry that I had not been able to hear this person who was trying to talk to me and help me.
’71—Our unique abilities create a nice combination when we open our restaurant together. We were very different people, with different personalities and different skills. I was the friendly host and kibitzer, and she was exceptionally creative with cuisine and baking. I never took the opportunity to tell her how much I appreciated her skills and the wonderful balance she brought to the business aspect of our lives.
’71—She wants to have children. Personality issues aside, we did not have too many major differences of opinions or philosophies. We were mostly in agreement about what we were doing and where we hoped it would lead—except in one major area. Vivienne wanted children. It seemed very important to her. Having struggled so much of my early life, and finally feeling some freedom, I was not at all ready to have children. I had to forgive her for any part the issue of children played in her request for a divorce. I also needed to apologize for not knowing and telling the truth about myself sooner.
During our whirlwind four years together, there was tremendous joy. We entertained and were entertained by celebrities. We were the “toast of the town.” It was exciting to be with her at events. Being caught in the energy of our lifestyle and our business, I did not always remember to stop and tell her about the important emotions I was experiencing. While we said the obligatory “I love you” every night, I didn’t tell her how much she meant to me, how proud I was to be seen with her, and how wonderful I thought she was.
I was usually preoccupied with the daily goings-on in our restaurant. I was not as conscious of what was going on in our marriage. I have already said that I owed her an apology for my overbearing ways. It would be unrealistic to look at this relationship and conclude that it was only my part or my flaws that destroyed it. While I needed to apologize for my self-righteous verbal dominance, I also had to forgive her for her quietness and unwillingness to fight for what she believed in—for giving up and giving in.
’72—She initiates a divorce. As the marriage progressed, there was great confusion for me. On the one hand, I was blissfully happy and unaware that there was trouble in paradise. We had a successful business and, to the best of my limited awareness, a happy marriage. On the other hand, those problem areas, which I can now see with great clarity, were building up a head of steam. One day my wife called me and announced that she was leaving me and applying for a divorce. That telephone call sticks out in my memory. She did not try to talk to me in person, she did it on the phone. For me, it was another example of how poorly she communicated, and I needed to forgive her for doing it that way.
For me, the divorce was very sudden. In the first several weeks following the divorce, I must have walked and talked, but I remember almost nothing. My only conscious awareness about loss was to be strong for others. Now I was the “other,” and I did not know what to do. During that time, I had a revelation. It dawned on me that my greatest complaint in the relationship was her unwillingness to talk when there was a problem. On the other hand, I realized that when she did talk, I did not listen. I did not know what to do with this awareness. It was to be much later before I learned that I needed to forgive her for not talking and apologize to her for not listening.
The divorce ended the marital relationship. While divorce ends most of the physical aspects of the relationship, the emotional and spiritual aspects continue. In divorce, the emotional and spiritual components often change more radically than they do following a death. In the more than twenty-five years since my divorce from Vivienne, a few notable events have helped me discover some additional incompleteness in my relationship with her.
’76—Vivienne tells me that she and her new husband have adopted two baby boys. Shortly thereafter, she became pregnant and delivered a baby girl. My reaction at the time was very mixed. Of course, I was thrilled for her. I had always believed she would be a fabulous mother. But a part of me was hurt. I recalled some old hopes, dreams, and expectations that I had held when she and I were together. I needed to forgive her for not waiting for me to be ready for children.
(There is one last important emotional detail about my relationship to Vivienne. In 1974 I met and married Jeanne. When Jeanne and I got together, her daughter Kelly was five years old. I have been Kelly’s dad for a long time now. As such, I have been able to have all of the feelings associated with being a parent. Kelly is a total joy to me, and I treasure our relationship.)
’94—A dear friend of mine adopts a baby girl and names her Gabrielle. She quickly became Gabi, and even more quickly captured my heart. She was seven months old when she came into my life. I immediately nominated myself as number-one uncle. I even had a baby seat installed in my car. From her very first days here, she had me wrapped around her little, little finger. At first, my girlfriend Alice and I were a little baffled at the attention I was paying to this baby.
One day, while delivering a Grief Recovery Seminar, I started talking about Gabi. The next thing I knew, there were tears in my eyes. I realized what was going on. Kelly had been five years old when she came into my life. I had never had the experience of interacting with an infant. Although I was just the “uncle,” I did many things with Gabi. I taught her how to crawl, ride ponies, play jacks, and throw a baseball.
As that revelation sank in, I was struck with a deep awareness of what I had missed with Vivienne. I had not had the chance to be a parent with her. I was saddened. Since I had already made my indirect apologies and forgiven her, what was left was the picture of us as parents that I had held in my heart since first meeting her in 1968. How sad I was that we had not had children together.
FOURTH HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT: MAKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP GRAPH
To start your Relationship Graph, both those working as partners and those working alone must have chosen one relationship to work on first. Use a sheet of paper at least 8½" × 11". Turn the paper sideways and draw a line from left to right across the middle of the page. The left end of the line represents the beginning of the relationship. If you are graphing a parent, that date is probably the same as your dawn of conscious memory. For all other relationships, it is the year you met the person. The right end of the line represents the current year; enter it now. If you are graphing a death or divorce, mark the year of that event in the appropriate place. Relationships do not end with death or divorce.
DAWN OF MEMORY—THE DEATH OF AN INFANT
If you are dealing with grief caused by the death of a child (stillborn birth, miscarriage, abortion, or sudden infant death syndrome [SIDS]), the dawn-of-conscious-memory event will start a bit earlier than it does in most other relationships. Generally speaking, when a woman realizes she is pregnant, her emotional relationship with her child begins. Women also describe a change in their feelings when they feel the first flutter inside their body. For the next few weeks, she is constantly saying to her husband, “Can’t you feel the movement?” The husband dutifully puts his hand on her tummy but can’t feel anything yet. He finally feels the small kick, and that’s when his emotional relationship begins. It’s an imaginary physical relationship at this point, but it’s emotionally real. When John’s wife became pregnant with his son (the one who died in 1977) and he felt the first movement, his mind immediately began to create hopes, dreams, and expectations. His child was going to have all the things that he didn’t have when he was growing up. Although there was no physical relationship yet, it was emotionally real for both John and his wife.
Throughout this book, we have talked about completing a relationship that actually existed, but with the death of an infant, we need to complete a relationship that was supposed to be but never was. When John’s son died, he can remember standing outside the nursery and thinking, “He’ll never know all the things I was going to do for him. He’s never going to know how much I loved him.” These were the hopes and dreams he had that would not be realized because of the death. All parents want to give their children all the things they didn’t have while growing up. Once this idea is set, what do you do with the thoughts and feelings if the child doesn’t live? This type of problem needs to be completed as much as any other.
Next, go to the beginning and reconstruct the relationship to the best of your ability. Your goal is to identify undelivered communications. Let your memory wander. Mark down whatever pops into your mind. Decide whether events are positive (above the line) or negative (below the line). Your mind may or may not go in chronological order. Identify misunderstandings as well as memorable events. Don’t edit or limit. Just recall and note. Honesty and thoroughness are essential. Look back at Russell’s comments about the incidents on his graph and the undelivered emotional communications associated with each one.
Do not judge what happened. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to intellectualize. We’re looking for the feelings you had when these events happened. Keep the graph centered on the relationship. Otherwise, it can shift in focus to other surrounding relationships.
Our suggestion is to set aside about an hour and then start. Try to remember at least ten events to plot. If you get stuck, look back at the examples in the book. They may trigger your own memories.
To maintain truth and accuracy and avoid enshrinement or bedevilment, we recommend that you have at least two events above the line and at least two events below the line. Some of you may find it difficult to allow yourself to remember anything negative about a positive relationship. On the other hand, some of you will struggle to identify positive events in your relationship with a less than loved one. For instance, in our memories of an abusive parent, we typically find it difficult to remember positive aspects of the relationship or to assign a positive value to anything about it. To avoid the danger of an inaccurate, larger-than-life picture, we must take pains to be honest. While a parent may have been abusive at many levels, he or she may also have paid the rent and provided food and clothing. Remembering the positive contributions of an abusive parent is not done to minimize the bad things he or she did, but to allow us to arrive at a truthful portrayal of the relationship. All relationships are made up of good and bad, right and wrong, sweet and sour.
Some relationships are mixed and over time may go from good to bad and back. It is very typical to have a good early relationship with a parent, then some rocky teenage years, followed by an excellent adult relationship. You must review the whole relationship. You probably will discover some aspects of incidents during the rocky periods that were not communicated. Do not think that since your recent relationship was good, all previous problems and incidents had been completed.
You get to be the judge. Do not be influenced by what others might think. A woman in one of our seminars listed as one of her fondest memories the times her daddy took her into a saloon and sat her up on the bar while he drank and joked with his buddies. Others might comment that it was abusive to take a little girl into that environment. Others don’t get a vote in your memories of your relationship. All that matters is what is accurate for you.
Positive memories can range from sitting together on the porch to going on vacation, holding hands as the sun set, or raising children together. A new dress or toy, swimming lessons, or coaching from a parent might be remembered with tremendous fondness. Do not dismiss a memory because you think it too small. The accumulation of small undelivered communications contributes to incomplete relationships.
An unhappy or negative memory can be as simple as a disagreement. As a child, punishments are often remembered with great intensity. Especially important are those punishments for infractions you did not commit. The unfairness associated with a false punishment often carries lifelong weight. As with the positive memories, no negative memories are too small or insignificant for this exercise.
Use the length of your lines, above and below the horizontal, to indicate the intensity of your feelings at the time the event occurred. It doesn’t matter whether there are more events above or below the line; it only matters that what’s on the graph is the truth. Don’t be concerned with what others will think or say—no one else will see this graph.
Now it’s your turn. Begin.
Congratulations on finishing your Relationship Graph! In this meeting, the partners will share those graphs. Begin by reaffirming your commitments to total honesty, absolute confidentiality, and the uniqueness of your individual recovery. As always, meet in a private place where you will not feel uncomfortable if you cry. Have tissues handy.
Make sure you bring your Relationship Graphs.
Instructions for the Listening Partner
- Sit a reasonable distance away. Avoid being in your partner’s face or smothering him or her.
- You may laugh or cry, if appropriate, but you may not talk!
- Do not touch your partner. Touch usually stops feelings.
- Remember the image of being a heart with ears. Do your best to stay in the moment and really listen to your partner’s story.
Instructions for the Talking Partner
- Start by telling the story of the relationship you have graphed, beginning either at your dawn of conscious memory or at the date when you first met the person. Generally, a graph about a parent begins at the dawn of conscious memory, while a graph about a spouse begins in the year you met. Here is an example of each: “I was born in 1943, but my first conscious awareness of my father was in 1947, when I was four years old. I remember him taking me for a milkshake. I had strawberry, and it is still my favorite flavor.” “I first met my wife at a friend’s party. I’ll never forget the feeling of my breath being taken away as I thought how beautiful she was.”
- As you move through the events on your graph, you will intuitively fill in many aspects of the story of your relationship with that person. Be careful not to go off on tangents, especially about other relationships. Also be careful not to turn your story into a monologue. Telling your relationship story should take about half an hour. It’s okay to go a little over, but not much. It’s most effective to stick to the events you have graphed.
- If you cry, try to talk while you cry. Push the words up and out, rather than swallowing them. We all tend to choke off feelings in our throats.
- When you finish telling the story, get a hug from your partner (assuming you’ve made hugs safe). Both of you should avoid the trap of discussing what you have just done. This is when you run the risk of creating a sense of judgment, evaluation, or criticism.
Take a little break, and then let your partner do his or her graph.
Make your plans for your next meeting.
For Those Working Alone
Since you are working alone, you may find it effective to use John’s and Russell’s Relationship Graphs as your silent partner. Reread theirs, then look at yours. Notice the similarities and the differences.