Having taken the action of completion, you’ve still got more work to do.
Making a Loss History Graph may have alerted you to the fact that you have a few more incomplete relationships to work on. We suggest that you start immediately. Our goal for you is the emotional freedom that results from completion of all prior loss experiences.
Make a list of the relationships that you think are still incomplete. Most people have three or four relationships that can benefit from this process. Remember, your relationships with living people are affected when you remain incomplete. If you have worked with a partner, it is helpful to continue with that person.
The process is much quicker the second time through. You do not have to do a Loss History Graph again. You can start with the Relationship Graph. Remember to reaffirm the commitments to honesty, confidentiality, and uniqueness.
After completing the other incomplete relationships, it is time to live your life. The principles and actions of grief recovery are your new tool kit for losses, disappointments, and other painful life experiences. Practice them so that they become a new habit.
After completion, we gain a new perspective. Things look different because we have changed on the inside. Completing our relationship has brought about this change. Since the inside has changed, it will now be necessary to look at the outside. You’ll want to adjust your environment to reflect this new inside perspective on the loss.
The first step in your cleanup work will be to look at outside reminders of the loss. Earlier we referred to grievers who hold on to everything that represents the deceased loved one. We called this enshrinement. We hold on to these things when we’re emotionally incomplete with the loss. There will now be no need to hold on to all of these objects. Some of the objects won’t seem to fit with your new perspective; these are the ones you’ll want to dispose of. It is normal to want to keep some things and not be sure about others.
Perhaps helpful friends have told you to just get rid of it all—clothes, mementos, everything. But most of us don’t want to get rid of it all. One woman we met told us a story of how she made a mistake in disposing of her husband’s effects. Everyone kept telling her she had to get rid of all his things. She wanted to do what was right. So one day she drank four bottles of beer to get up the courage to do the job. In her half-drunken state, she threw away everything. She regretted this action the very next day, but by then it was too late.
Before you rush out and throw everything away, let’s make a plan that will work. When possible, never do any of these chores alone.
Disposing of Clothes: The Pile Plan
One of the most painful tasks for grievers is deciding what to do with the clothes. One good approach has been called the ABC Plan. This approach can also be used for other personal belongings. It has also been lovingly referred to as the Pile Plan. You’ll see why as we go along.
Remember, the objective is to end up with what you want to keep without keeping things you don’t need or want. Take all the clothes and put them in the living room. Do we mean physically move all the clothes? Yes, that’s exactly what we mean. Go through them one at a time. Make three piles of clothes. If you want to talk about a memory that one of the articles stimulates for you, please do so with the person helping you, or call someone. The piles should be grouped as follows:
Pile A contains the things you are certain you want to keep.
Pile B contains the things you are certain you want to dispose of. Things to sell. Things to give to other family members. Things to give to charity or the church.
Pile C contains all those things you’re not sure about yet. If there is any doubt at all about which pile an item goes in, it goes in pile C.
We are not in a race. We’re employing a clear plan that works. As you stand in the room looking at all the clothes, it may dawn on you why some people refer to this as the Pile Plan. Dispose of the piles as follows:
Put pile A back in the closet.
Give pile B to individuals, groups, and so on.
Load pile C into bags and boxes and take them to the garage or the attic.
Then congratulate yourself and thank your friend. One month later, bring all the pile C bags and boxes back into the living room and work the plan all over again. Once again, never work alone! Pile A is for the few things you find that you want to keep. Pile B is for those things you are sure you want to discard. Everything else goes back into the bags and boxes, and back into the garage or attic. Doing this task one more time will accomplish your goal of keeping what you want to keep and not retaining things you don’t need. If necessary, do it all over again in three months. Eventually, you will be done.
The New Account Solution
Another problem people have trouble with is the checking account with their loved one’s name on it. It’s fine if you don’t want to change the account name. Yet many spouses find that changing the name generates a desired feeling of independence. Once again, people often attack this problem from the wrong direction. Instead of taking your loved one’s name off the checking account, open a new one with just your name. Each month, make sure some of your transactions are done through the new account. In no time at all, you’ll have a new pattern established and the old checks will no longer be a constant reminder of the loss. To open the new account, go to the bank with a friend, never alone.
Dealing with Anniversary Dates
Even after all the work you’ve done, certain occasions will still make you sad. This is because you established a lot of familiar habits with your loved one. The good news is that these times are usually predictable. We call them anniversary dates. They don’t stand for conventional anniversaries only. Any day that had significant meaning for you can be considered an anniversary date. Since we almost always know when they’re coming, we can prepare for them.
The problem is in keeping your feelings to yourself. There is the temptation to try to handle these sad days alone. Don’t do that. It’s normal for recovered grievers to feel sad on anniversary dates.
Celebrity Deaths
In the aftermath of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, our phones were very busy. Many calls were from grievers whose hearts were broken. Many were requests for interviews by national and international media to help them understand the incredible outpouring of grief.
The constant question was, “Why do people have so much feeling about someone they never knew?” The answer: They did know her, they just never met her.
If you will recall, in our comments about the death of a child, we talked about having an emotional relationship with someone we had not yet physically met. We all have emotional relationships with the people we admire. They may be princesses, baseball players, actors, or ballerinas. We all have fantasies of meeting them and spending time with them. We usually never get to meet them, and most of us never write a fan letter. When they die, we are left with some undelivered emotional communications.
Since it is a one-way relationship, you probably do not need to do a Relationship Graph. But write a completion letter. Tell the deceased person how much you appreciated him or her. Tell the person that you are sad you never met so that you could have said so in person. Remember to close your letter with “I love you (if appropriate), I will miss you, Good-bye.” If possible, read your letter to a friend.