Meh is way too peculiar to be from Earth. My alien theory is the only one I like best.

Meh and I will move to another planet. I can take her back where she came from, and then I’ll stay there and keep her company forever. I will get to meet her family, her friends, and her tribe if she has one. That would be

Can you imagine a planet without any humans, just Olgamuses?

I can. It would be THE BEST PLANET EVER. Although a bit smelly, if I am judging by the only Olgamus I know.

I would bring a hammock and live there among all the Olgamuses, like Jane Goodall with her chimp friends. I would learn how to communicate with them; I would play them ukulele songs; I would teach them human things.

Here are some of the tricks I would show them:

Like any great biologist, I would bring a notebook to record my findings, of course. I already have a number of research questions that, so far, haven’t been answered:

It would be fantastic. Of course, I would also explore their planet. I’m sure it’s a very awesome and interesting place. Here’s how I imagine it:

One thing I know for sure: There must be olive trees on Meh’s planet, because olives are the only thing she eats. Her planet probably has beautiful olive trees EVERYWHERE! Maybe it looks like Greece, which I found out is totally gorgeous.

Of course, if I did move to another planet, I’d miss some people from Earth. I would miss my pet spider, Rita, who lives under my sink and speaks French. Or maybe I could bring her with me.

Would I miss any humans? Perhaps. The one I’d miss the most would be my friend Chuck.

Chuck always hangs out at the dog park. I like the dog park too, so I put away my plans to travel into space, and put a leash on Meh, and we go off to the dog park.

Chuck is there, of course, surrounded by dozens of dogs. I tell him about my plans, hoping he’ll want to join us on the trip.

Chuck is good at making human friends. Much better than I am. Even his dog, Mister, the ugliest canine specimen in the whole universe, has lots of friends.

Chuck and I became friends the day Mister peed on Meh. We all started hanging out after that; Meh and Mister also became great buddies, running around the park like maniacs, smelling each other’s behinds and licking each other’s faces.

Chuck was right to ask. This idea of mine was probably pure fantasy. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d been called a dreamer.

But hey, many scientists before me were thought of as crazy before they changed the world, right?

It was time to do what I do best: