When a soft knock rapped on my door, I jumped up and pulled it open.
Under normal circumstances, I would have yanked Shell inside and kissed the fuck out of her. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to, but she was fragile . . . right?
Plus, things between us were uncertain.
I sure as hell felt uncertain, both inside and out. I never imagined having a child or settling down. Shell was the first woman to make me consider the possibility, but this whole insta-family part of it was daunting. I’d do the right thing, of course, but I didn’t know what that was.
“Come in,” I said softly.
Shell walked in and sat on the sofa. Linking her hands in her lap, she wrung her fingers as I sat across from her in the club chair.
“Look, Cal, it was never my intention to keep this from you. You have every right to know your child and be a part of their life. What I want you to know is I don’t have any expectations of you.”
Leaning forward, I cleared my throat. “I’m not a deadbeat.”
“That’s not nice.” Her pupils became pinpoints as her eyes narrowed on me.
Sucking in a breath, I thought for a moment. “I’m sorry. It’s not nice, but it’s the truth. This baby will be provided for.”
“So, you’re going to throw money at me?”
The lawyer in me took pause, trying to think what she was getting at. I’d never given her the impression I was the settling-down type, so I didn’t think Shell intended to rush me down the aisle.
“I just wanted to assure you that I wouldn’t shirk my responsibilities.”
Licking her lips, she seemed to take a deep breath. “Do you plan to be a part of the baby’s life?”
A jumble of consonants and vowels clogged my throat. Did I? Unable to find the right words, I just nodded.
“You do?” she asked.
“Well, Adam lives here, so I’ll see the baby when I come, if that works?”
She stood and turned toward the glass doors. If this was a test, I was failing. I thought money was what Shell wanted. Was she supposed to be tied down to a guy who lived in the States?
“Shell, look at me,” I said, pushing to my feet. “I’m trying to do what you want. I don’t want to upset you. I don’t know a diaper from a bottle. I’m not dad material, but that doesn’t mean I won’t do what’s right.”
Whirling around, she spoke through gritted teeth. “I know you’re not a deadbeat, and I don’t want to force another man to commit to me because I went and got knocked up. Which was my fault. I noticed the condom broke when I slipped it off you the last time you were here, but I didn’t say a word. Why? Because I know what this is. Between us, I mean.”
“It did? And what is this between us?” I asked, naturally curious of her impression. She was the one who drew the boundaries, yet I was the commitment-phobic one.
“It’s a booty call. Albeit a geographically undesirable one.”
“Bullshit.” Anger bubbled in my chest. “I think about you all the time.”
She shook her head. “Don’t. Let’s not confuse great sex and fun times with emotions. I don’t want you to abandon your bachelor lifestyle for me, but I did think you would want regular visits with your child.”
There she went, drawing the line in the sand again. I’d never wanted the big house, two kids, a dog, and a wife, so I had no idea why her pushing me out of her life felt like a punch to the gut.
“You’re mixing this all up, Shell. I do want to see my kid. And I want to see you. I want to do whatever you want.” I took a step closer to her.
“Except commit.” She looked away. “I didn’t mean to say that. Like I said, I can’t force you. I did that once, and look where it got me.”
“Weezie—”
“Don’t,” Shell said. “You don’t know.”
I inched another step closer. We stood there, two ships about to cross paths.
“I’m not the marrying kind. Didn’t see that type of shit growing up. My mother worked her ass off as a single parent, and the three of us were a handful. I cut up while Adam was the caretaker, and Becca was a loose cannon. None of it was predictable or what others had at home. So, I decided family life wasn’t for me.”
Shell scoffed at me. “I get the single mom part.”
“Well, you won’t want for anything financially.”
“Just stop. This is going nowhere. I hear you, and I’ll let you know how things are progressing and all that. But this is good-bye for us.”
After having her say, Shell blazed past me.
Truthfully, I didn’t know what she was getting so upset about. I wasn’t the type of man who would swing by and grab milk on the way home from work.
“Please, Shell. I’m doing what’s best.”
“Okay, Cal. Okay. Well, your best isn’t what I expected.” She didn’t stop to look at me on her way out of my room.
As the door slammed shut behind her, I knew I messed up, but it wasn’t in my DNA to know how to fix it. I did what I’d tell a client to—pay up and get what they wanted.
The question was, did I want to do that?