24
Don’t Walk on Your Knees

You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

—Mary Oliver, “Wild Geese”

Apologize when you have done something wrong, when you have made a mistake. But just for the record, the following are not wrong or a mistake:

Taking up space in the world

Being alive

Using oxygen

Having a body

Asking a question

Needing a nap

Living

Dreaming

I was looking at grapefruits the other day in Vons and someone came up next to me to look at grapefruits too. I immediately apologized—“Oh, I’m sorry”—assuming that my existence was in this person’s way. I do this at the airport. At the post office. At the grocery store. When I’m working in the kitchen with someone.

I apologize for my personhood.

I took a hot yoga class the other evening with Tina and Erica and it was like therapy. Part of it was the heat, the movement, the candlelight in the corners of the room, but a big part of it was our teacher. She explained to us that our theme for the evening would be truthfulness, being truthful with our bodies, our limits. Throughout our practice she encouraged us to find our highest and best selves and to be truthful about what was “highest and best” for us that night. At one point in the class, when she was reminding us about our intention of truthfulness, she said, “Just to be clear, truthfulness is not the same thing as judgment.”

Man, that got me.

Truth = I take up space in the world.

Judgment = I must apologize for the space I take up in the world because it’s too much, too in-the-way, and too annoying to every other space-taker-upper in this world.

Truth = I have a body.

Judgment = I must apologize for my body and its particular maladies because if I don’t, everyone will think I’m just fine with my body, which is obviously not possible or acceptable.

Truth = I need to breathe.

Judgment = I must apologize for the number of breathers I personally need because I am annoying the heck out of everyone with my out-of-breathness.

An apology is an admission that you have done something wrong, so the next time you are tempted to say “I’m sorry,” be sure you’re saying those words because you have made a mistake or hurt someone. But whatever you do, do not utter the words “I’m sorry” because you believe you need to beg forgiveness for being alive.

You are allowed to look at grapefruits as long as you need to.

Reflection & Expression

I will no longer apologize for __________.

For Your Brazen Board

Write “I’m not sorry” somewhere.