Chapter 38: Victoria Schormann

The Granville: Saturday, September 27th

Yesterday she’d been allowed to join a group meditation. Candles in each corner of the room cast a golden glow on the images of spider in their webs and different birds – owls, falcons, even sparrows – which covered the walls. One wall was curtained over, a ceiling-to-floor length of purple material. The air was filled with a strange, almost unpleasant, scent.

When she first filed in behind the women Seth was sitting on a chair at the front of the room, his head bowed, his hands folded on his lap. He wore a long white kaftan. Tall cream candles were placed on top of wooden boxes on each side of him. A small table was behind him. On it was a small bowl and a short stump of something that looked like dried grasses.

The meditation had been nothing like the Transcendental Meditation Victoria had tried to learn. Nothing like it at all.

Besides Seth and two of the older men he called the Elders, there were twenty others in the room. After they sat cross-legged on the floor in front of him, he held out his arms as though encompassing them all. It was as if Victoria had never seen Seth before; she couldn’t keep her eyes off him. He seemed unapproachable, powerful in some way. Her scalp prickled. Although she didn’t dare to look around she guessed all the others were mesmerised as well.

At first he spoke in a calm voice. As Victoria concentrated on her breathing she listened to his words.

‘Dear Higher Self, we are here to release past fears and pain. That which no longer helps with our cleansing and purification we discard. Help us to see everything in an enlightened perspective and move forward with wisdom, strength and, above all love.’

Two figures stepped from behind the curtain. Victoria saw they were the girls who’d also been at the Manchester festival and were brought into the commune by Seth and River the week after her. She’d nicknamed them Cow Parsley and Dandelion. She hadn’t liked them from the moment they’d arrived, with their simpering stupid faces and creepy-crawly ways of trying to get in with all the other women. Always offering to cook or clean the dorm, sitting with the girls who made the rag rugs, giggling when they had to be shown – yet again – how to thread the material through. She scowled; she’d no time for them.

Now here they were. Jealousy flooded through Victoria; why were they part of this morning’s session when this was the first time she’d even been allowed to attend?

One of them picked up the small bowl and taking a cloth from it squeezed out water. The other struck a match and held it to the stick of dried grasses until it smouldered. Holding a plate underneath to catch ashes she wafted the smoke over Seth and into the corners of the room before walking around the group doing the same.

Victoria forced a loud cough. Taking in a breath the smoke caught her throat and she swallowed hard to try to stop the irritation. Worse, through the tears streaming down her cheeks she saw the one she called Cow Parsley take Seth’s sandals off, wipe his feet with the cloth before putting them back on. Victoria couldn’t prevent the gasp and began to cough again. This time she couldn’t stop. She heard the disapproving noises from the people around her. Someone behind patted her hard on the back. At first she was grateful, but the action started to get a fraction too hard and she shrugged the hand away.

When she finally stopped choking she looked towards Seth; he’d stood up. She saw the subtle change in his face, the rise of colour in his cheeks the tightening of his lips. When he spoke he fixed his stare on her. She met his eyes; goose bumps raised the hairs on her arms but she wouldn’t let him see how resentful she was.

‘We have cleared all negative energy from the room. Rain…’

Not Dandelion then, Victoria thought. She forced down the nervous laugh.

‘… will open the windows, release old energy and allow fresh air to flow through.’

Seth paced the floor in front of the small crowd, his kaftan softly swishing with each turn, his sandals lightly creaking as he walked. His voice grew louder, melodic. At either side of her the people were swaying in time with his words. She had no option but to move with them.

‘Let us leave behind what no longer serves us and cross over onto a new and illuminated path.’ He stopped in front of Victoria. ‘Leave behind material things, the evil of worldly wealth, those who damage us with their presence.’ He lowered his hand to touch the top of her head. ‘Stand, Summer.’

She felt she had no option. But he kept his hand on her head so she had no choice but to lower it so that her chin was on her chest.

‘We expect complete, exclusive devotion – not merely a partial, lukewarm, half-hearted following. We expect reverence.’

Who is he talking about? Who’s ‘We?’ Victoria thought, conscious of the heat of his hand on her scalp, his fingertips pressing in.

‘We expect devotion. It is our right. We are worthy of nothing less.’

Victoria listened in disbelief, unable to keep the shock hidden when he lifted her chin for her to look at him.

He smiled.

Uncomfortable, she rubbed at her upper arms and glanced down towards the girl next to her. She was staring back. For a few seconds Victoria thought to leave. To walk out. She must have made some movement because there was a slight tug on the back of her skirt, stopping her. The two Elders stood in front of the door. It was then that Victoria realised the meeting had been held for her. She was trapped. And, for the first time in her life, frightened.

Seth gave a small murmur of satisfaction and moved away to sit back on the chair. All around her people stood up. Others threw themselves forward on the floor in front of him, weeping and crying out to be saved. Saved from what, she’d thought? By who? Seth? She didn’t know how long she stood there but it was long enough for her to stop being scared and to become angry. And long enough for her to decide she wouldn’t be going to another of Seth’s so-called sermons.

In the middle of the night he’d slipped into her narrow bed. Naked. Pulling at her baby-doll pyjamas he’d whispered, ‘Come on, then, shove up.’

Victoria moved to the edge without speaking. The anger bubbled in her again.

‘Still sulking?’ he laughed, softly. ‘You should’ve seen your face.’

When she didn’t answer he slid his hand under her top, slowly moved his palm over her nipple. She arched her back, unable to stop the instinctive tightening between her thighs.

‘See, you’re not really cross with me.’ He laughed again.

Cross? Victoria thought, twisting towards him, trying to see his face in the darkness and failing. ‘What the hell was all that, this morning?’ she said.

Without speaking he eased her out of her pyjamas, ran his fingers along her stomach. She caught her breath.

‘You didn’t believe all that, did you?’ he murmured, his tongue tracing the inside of her ear. ‘It’s what they wanted.’

‘What they wanted? Come off it.’ Incredulous, Victoria pushed him away. ‘That was just weird.’ The tears smarted. ‘And you were cruel. You just wanted to make me look stupid.’

‘You have to learn to fit in. Some of the others don’t think you’re pulling your weight. I had to do it.’ All the time he was sliding his fingers inside her.’ I want you to stay. You’re special to me. I need you by my side. I need you with me.’

Victoria’s breath was shallow. She knew she was giving in to him. ‘I thought we would be together.’ She spoke in a small voice.

‘And we will be.’ He moved even closer, whispering. ‘This lot, they chose to call me the Master. I just play the game. You and me – well, we’re different, aren’t we. We know the score. There are a few of the others…’ She stiffened, he must have felt it. ‘But not like us, huh? You and me, we’re special. Right?’

He slid on top of her, entered her.

After he’d left her bed Victoria hugged herself. She knew he was right. They were special. Sod the rest of them. She was Seth’s girlfriend. Woman, she corrected herself. So what if she wasn’t accepted into the group? She’d been on the outside all her life. But she’d make sure some of them liked her. She’d play the game as well.

She refused to listen to the small voice that reminded her she’d left home to find somewhere where she truly belonged. And the reality of it was, it wasn’t here.