Before becoming a mother, I had a hundred theories on how to bring up children. Now I have seven children and only one theory: love them, especially when they least deserve to be loved.
—KATE SAMPERI
A Special Collection in Praise of Mothers
Donna, a stay-at-home mom, was so excited about the systems she learned for managing her life that she wanted her three children to share in them as well. But she wasn’t sure how to start. Her three children, ranging in age from four to twelve, had three very different personalities. Her oldest, Patrick, was in the seventh grade and very neat.
Jonathan was a third grader who never had anything together. And four-year-old Tiffany loved to dance and sing so much that she hardly noticed anything amiss around her.
“There is so much out there about parenting styles, learning styles, and academic success,” she said. “But I’d really like to have my children learn some life skills from a young age—like simplifying and organizing. I remember what I was like when I left home, and I’d like my children to be better prepared than I was. Is there anything I can teach them, especially since they are at different ages and stages?”
Step-by-Step Learning Sequence
Donna and other mothers like her found it helpful to know that there are specific skills that need to be taught at each stage of a child’s development. The end goal is raising children who become capable young adults and leave home with a healthy self-esteem and the skills to manage life well.
We all want our children to grow up to be confident and self-reliant adults, but at this point we have to remember that we’re still dealing with children. The lessons in organization need to be fun and rewarding. You will have greater success if you use a positive approach and model what you teach.
As parents we can help our children simplify their lives by dealing with several key areas pertaining to them:
• A family chore chart
• Cleaning up their bedroom
• Managing their papers
• Understanding age-appropriate tasks and rewards that lead to a simplified lifestyle
Family Job Chart
Donna and her family started with a family job chart, which I provided. It allowed her to teach her children to accomplish three easy jobs each day that were appropriate for their ages. Donna knew that consistency was important, so she needed to make a commitment to keep everyone’s chores in mind.
Here is how Donna handled her family job chart:
• She listed only two to three jobs per day.
• She read the job chart after school and asked her children to complete two of the three jobs before dinner. The last job could be saved for after dinner.
• The total time for all three jobs would be only fifteen to twenty minutes, unless it was a specific homework lesson or music practice, which generally took longer. She outlined several sample jobs, such as setting the table, cleaning the table, unloading the dishwasher, putting laundry away, feeding the dog, cleaning the hamster cage, and dusting the tabletops.
• Finally, Donna said that Sunday was a day of rest—no jobs. They liked that!
Family Job Chart
| Patrick (7th grade) |
Jonathan (3rd grade) |
Tiffany (Preschool) | |
| Monday | 1. Practice trumpet 2. Do homework 3. Put laundry away |
1. Do homework 2. Feed the dog 3. Unload dishwasher |
1. Set table 2. Put away dress-up clothes 3. Take note next door |
| Tuesday | 1. Practice trumpet 2. Do homework 3. Clean fish tank |
1. Do homework 2. Feed the dog 3. Clean up toys in your room |
1. Set table 2. Pick up toys in family room 3. Call Kim to play |
| Wednesday | (Follow same system through the rest of the week.) | ||
| Thursday | |||
| Friday | |||
| Saturday | |||
| Sunday | No Jobs! | No Jobs! | No Jobs! |
One mother made the mistake of creating an elaborate poster board chart for her six children. In three short days, everything fell apart because it was too complicated and time-consuming for her to keep up. All you need is a white board or a simple computer-generated chart like the one above that can be reused week after week.
The Value of Chores and Job Charts
Karin, one of my clients, says she never had to do any chores as a child, so when she became an adult, she wasn’t as disciplined or self-motivated as she wanted to be. Now a successful lawyer, Karin admits that it took a lot of work on her part to learn skills that she hadn’t learned as a child.
“Motivation, discipline, and structure have become very important in life,” she said. “I am still learning how to manage my time and my life because my parents did everything for me.”
Learning how to start and finish a task, put away toys, and finish homework without constant reminders are big accomplishments for children—and opportunities for praise from parents. When you praise them in front of others, their self-esteem rises because they know they are important members of the family.
Children who contribute at home feel like valued members of the household. They take this attitude with them to the classroom, where they strive to be a productive member of that community as well.
—JAY DAVIDSON, Teach Your Children Well
Never Say, “Go Clean Your Room!”
A common mistake many parents make is issuing the time-honored command: “Go clean your room!” Telling a child to go clean his or her room is like telling an adult, “Go clean the basement before dinner!” The chore can seem overwhelming.
A better way to accomplish the same goal is to direct your child to one specific task, such as, “Please take a few minutes now and make your bed,” “It’s time to pick up your toys,” or, “Before dinner, go put away the rest of your clothes.” This teaches children to systematically approach pick-up before it becomes a major job. Keep in mind that for most children, and some parents, maintaining a clean bedroom is a big job.
Teaching children to deal with their rooms is like teaching them how to deal with life: There are easier ways to do things, and simplifying their approach to picking up their rooms is a rewarding part of life. After all, children’s rooms are their whole world, and this should be the one place they can manage and enjoy.
Instead of ordering your children to clean their rooms, give them one easy chore to complete before the next meal. Whether they’re six or sixteen, they will always appreciate your help. Join in and do some of the work with them to brighten their day if they are having a hard time. Help your children by having them follow these simple steps:
Five Steps to a Clean Bedroom
1. Make the bed and make your day. When the bed is made, 50 to 70 percent of the room is clean because the bed is often the largest surface. Make sure to have a comforter or an easy and attractive bedspread to pull up.
2. Pick up everything from the floor and put it all away. Start at the doorway and have them pick up everything on the floor. The floor makes a great play area, but it needs to be picked up before meals and bedtime.
3. Clean the rest of the room by three categories: clothes, paper, and toys.
• Clothes: Put clean clothes away in drawers and dirty clothes in the hamper. Do this before bedtime so that you can start fresh the next day.
• Paper and books: Organize all papers into notebooks, magazine holders, or colored files. Put books on bookshelves and give away ones they have outgrown.
• Toys or favorite collections: The largest toys should be stored on the bottom shelves, and the ones with small pieces, like Legos or Barbies, should be kept up higher. Collections, however, can be displayed on dresser tops, with the front two-thirds of the dresser being kept clean.
4. Add one extra cleaning area each week.
• Desktop: Keep new pencils and paper handy for school subjects and personal interests.
• Nightstand: Make sure you have a good reading light to help children calm down at day’s end.
• Closet: Check each clothing item with your children to see if they want to keep or give away what’s in their closet. Their sizes and tastes change often, so do this twice a year when you rotate summer and winter clothing.
5. Empty the wastebasket often. Keep a good-sized wastebasket handy and empty it often to minimize the clutter. Vacuum the floor at least once a week, too.
Create Special Memories Together
To complete your simplifying process with some extra touches, place a comfy chair in their room so that you can talk with them at night, or they can use it for reading during the day. Another thing you could do would be to paint their rooms and let them choose new posters or pictures for their walls. Let them become interior decorators for a day.
Spend some time together this weekend or next vacation simplifying your children’s rooms. Look for opportunities to walk down the hall and say, “Katie, what a great job you did on your room!” After all, their room is their “world,” and they will remember what you did together to make it a nice place to call home.
Handling the Kids’ Papers
Many parents have a tough time knowing what to do with their children’s papers. Just imagine how many papers they will accumulate from the time they enter preschool until they graduate from high school. We’re talking several boxes! Here’s an easy solution—the three-ring memory book.
A Memory Book That Works
• Buy a three-ring binder for each child, clear sheet protectors, and dividers. Put your child’s most treasured papers and projects in clear sheet protectors in the binder.
• Label the spine with their name and the grade levels inside. Use dividers inside to separate the different school years.
• Create a cover of their grade-level school pictures. They will have fun watching themselves grow up chronologically on the memory book covers.
• Let the children add their choice of reading, spelling, writing, math, and science papers. They will choose what they are most proud of.
• Reduce poster-size projects at a place like Kinko’s to fit into the sheet protectors.
• Take pictures of the children with their big projects and include the pictures in the memory book. In time, the child will be willing to toss the project and just keep the picture.
Don’t worry if your children initially want to save every paper. After about second grade, it gets easier for them to part with papers from younger years. Remind yourself and your children, “The value is in doing the papers, not in saving all of them.” The memory book is for saving representative memories of that phase of life. Updating the memory book at the end of each school year will ensure that school papers and reports are enjoyed, not stashed in the bottom of the closet.
Age-Appropriate Chores
Donna was especially excited when I shared the following chart. “This is what I’ve been looking for—a step-by-step plan of what to focus on with each child. I can see the progression laid out here,” she continued. “Now I know what to do.”
Like Donna, see what is listed for your children and then write the goals you want to focus on teaching them at that stage. Show them the chart and see what their reaction is. They may have missed some of the earlier skills, but they will understand that what you are asking is normal. A joint effort on both your parts will catch them up.
Age Level Growth Chart
| AGE LEVEL | GOALS FOR YOUR CHILDREN | SKILLS FOR PROGRESSIVE INDEPENDENCE |
| Birth– 1 yr. | • Fit into family sleeping habits • Play while parent cleans kitchen or does chores | |
| Toddler 1– 3 yr. |
•Pick up toys in a small area (floor, shelf, table)
and put away • Put books on shelves, clothes in hamper • Begin making choices between two items (outfits, drinks, activities) | |
| Preschool/kindergarten 3– 5 yr. |
•Dress self with help • Make bed daily with help •Carry belongings to and from car • Help set table and clear dishes • Practice good telephone habits with family members | |
| Primary
Grades (1– 3) |
•Make bed before breakfast or before school • Put away own things (backpack, lunchbox, coat) • Establish personal habits (wash hands, brush teeth, comb hair) • Empty dishwasher regularly • Write thank-you notes | |
| Upper Grades
(4– 5) |
•Put away clean laundry • Practice music or sports a regular number of times per week (may be started earlier if child shows interest) • Use charts or Post-it notes to remember things • Keep room neat • Clean out drawers and shelves | |
| Middle School |
•Be more self-reliant with homework and activities • Clean bathroom, closet, and drawers • Vacuum and dust • Do yard work and baby-sit • Make and buy gifts to give to family and friends | |
| High School | •Do own laundry • Manage cash flow, banking, and vehicle expenses • Learn how to prepare three to five meals • Clean the kitchen after dinner • Shop for groceries and clothes • Prepare for moving on or to college |
Your teens will be out on their own after high school, whether they’re living in a college dorm room or in their own apartment. Whereas most dorm rooms are pretty messy and filled with mounds of dirty laundry, your college students can be among the amazing few who keep clean rooms and do their own wash. They’ll be out on their own soon enough, so start teaching them now while they’re still listening to you and watching you model your expectations.
Motivating Children to Action
Job + Timing + Motivation = Action
If your children or teens are not doing certain chores, it could be because
• the job is too big,
• the timing of the request is not realistic,
• the motivation is too small.
To get through these hurdles, you can try several things. Keep them company and do the task with them, or at least find something to do in the same room to keep them company. If you sense a lack of motivation, talk to them about their feelings. Perhaps something is bothering them, or perhaps they think they are doing more work than their brothers and sisters. Stay involved. And remember that your presence is the best motivator for children at any age.
Parents, it’s our job to teach and train our children in the way they should go. When they finish their task or chore, check out how they did. They will appreciate the attention.
Children don’t do what you expect, but only what you inspect.
—EMILIE BARNES, organization expert
Why Are Kids Inconsistent?
You may have a smoothly functioning family for several days only to discover that there are times that the family routine falls apart. What happens then?
Keep in mind where you are in the week. The weekends break the momentum of the weekly routine. Knowing this, plan Mondays to get back on track, reinforcing music, study, and bedtime habits to keep family life flowing. Children love routine as much as they love surprises. They just won’t tell you so.
Tasks and Rewards
While there is definitely a place for family responsibility, a reward is also appropriate at times. Remember, it takes twenty-one times of practicing a new skill for it to become a habit.
Responsibility Formula Chart
Isn’t that a great chart? It’s a wonderful reminder that the goal of chores is to instill a sense of responsibility and success in children, not just to have a clean house. The short-term goal of jobs is to get worthwhile chores done, while the long-term goal is to build a sense of responsibility.
When children are learning a new chore, like making a bed in elementary school years or washing clothes in the upper grades, it’s wise parenting to attach a reward for a job well done. A youngster could get to play his favorite Nintendo game an extra fifteen minutes before bed or a teen could receive some extra gas money.
Laundry Builds Independence
One summer day my sixth-grade daughter, Christy, said to me, “Mom, you don’t wash often enough!” I was rather defensive as I prided myself on being caught up, but I replied, “What is it you want? I just washed your clothes two days ago.”
“My purple shirt,” she said.
After a quick assessment of the situation, I led her to the washing machine. “I bet you can do your own wash,” I said, “and I will pay you a dollar for every load.” As we both realized what I had said, she lit up with glee, and I panicked that I would go broke. “But,”I recovered, “you only get paid if you complete all four steps in the same day—wash, dry, fold, and put away.”
That summer only cost me eight dollars before she said, “Mom, you don’t have to pay me anymore. I like doing it myself.” Two years later the same scenario was repeated with our second daughter, Lisa, as she became independent with her wash. Eventually our fourth-grade son, Mark, came to me and said, “Mom, I need some money.” I sized him up to see if he could reach the washing machine and said, “Come here, have I got a deal for you!”
Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him and to let him know that you trust him.
—BOOKER T. WASHINGTON
For teenagers, doing their own laundry also teaches them time-management skills. Want to wear a certain outfit tomorrow? Better get it into the wash today. Out of clean underwear? Do the wash immediately and plan better for next week. In a rush? Make a deal with your mom that if you get your laundry in the wash before school, she could help you out by drying, folding, and leaving it in your room so you could put it away after school.
The Key Is Consistency
The key to teaching children is consistency. Every Monday you need to reinforce the morning routine of making the bed, cleaning up the room, and doing chores before school. After school, greet them with a nutritious snack and hear about their day. Once they unwind, give them a choice of two chores they can do before dinner.
Keep bedtime at a regular time to give them a rested start on the next day. Keep the family dinnertime as consistent as possible, and the earlier in the evening the better. Children feel secure when the family routine is consistent.
Bringing Out the Best in Your Children
Your goal is to build systems that bring out the best in your children. The purpose of chores is to teach them independence and self-esteem. It is important to instill organization in your children, but to keep it in perspective. If the skills of organization are taught patiently and with love, eventually they’ll take hold. It’s more important to let your children know how much you love them, even when they forget to make their bed.
I am a firm believer that if you work orderly, you will think orderly. What a great help orderly habits at home can be for school and for a lifetime. Guide them in the way they should go, and don’t give up.
Simplifying your parenting is all about knowing what’s important to teach at each level—and teaching it consistently. Follow the chart, and someday your children will thank you.
Personal Reflection
1. What important organizational skills do I want my children to learn?
2. What does our family need to work on most when it comes to organizing space, time, or papers?
3. Which personal organizational skills do I need to improve to set a better example?
Training a child is about teaching, modeling, and coaching every day. I have found that training children is 50 percent by example and 50 percent by actually working on the child’s skills.
Remember to teach your children that it’s easier to live an organized life than a disorganized one. After all, don’t we want to give our children the best foundation we can to succeed in life?
A Simple Prayer As a Mom
Dear God, thank You for my role as a mother. Please grant me the patience and wisdom I need to train my children as they grow up. When they’re all grown up, what a blessing it would be to not only be their mom, but to be their friend—and have dinner at their house! Amen.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. . . . Her children arise and call her blessed.
—PROVERBS 31:26, 28