My granny taught me, “Be nice to everyone, but pick your friends.” And “If you have three good friends in your life, cherish them.” The other day I decided to count my true friends through the years. I have thirty! What a blessing.
—Thelma Wells
While visiting my daughter Christy at college for a couple of days, I tagged along to some of her daily activities. As we slid into a booth at a local coffee shop, she explained, “I get paid as part of an internship to sit with a high school student while she does her homework twice a week.” She caught the look of concern in my eyes. “Don’t worry, Mom. I can study for my classes too.”
At that moment, a high school girl showed up. We smiled and greeted her. Christy’s teacher walked in a few minutes later and motioned me to her table.
We settled down for a talk, and Mrs. Somerville explained the situation. “You are watching a program we have in cooperation with an alternative high school. Studies have shown that if at-risk high school students have five regular adults in their life each week, they will thrive. We want our student teachers to learn to build relationships, not just information, into the lives of their students.”
With that, I learned a valuable lesson: we put ourselves at risk without seeing friends regularly. You can adjust your own quota, but for now strive for five friendly encounters each week.
Where Do I Find Time for People I Care About?
Think of the five strongest relationships in your life right now. How many of these people will you see this week? How many will you talk to on the phone? Or do you e-mail to keep in touch?
It might be rare to see all five friends in one week. But to stay connected, there has to be face-to-face time and other ways to stay in contact. My personal motto is, “If you’re in my calendar, you’re in my life.” After all, people in your calendar are your life!
How many times has a friend said, “We should get together. I’ll give you a call.” Or perhaps the person suggests that you call her. Don’t agree to that. Instead, schedule a get-together on the spot or assume it’s not going to happen. It all comes down to scheduling.
Ten Ways to Make Time for Relationships
1. MAKE CALLS WHILE DOING MUNDANE TASKS. One busy mother calls a friend each night while she washes dishes. A busy teacher calls her elderly parents each morning on her drive to work.
2. LEAVE A REGULAR LUNCH TIME OPEN. A minister was often asked to get together with new people, so he set aside Tuesday and Thursday lunch hours for anyone who approached him at a weekend service requesting an appointment.
3. E-MAIL APPRECIATION. At Thanksgiving, one lady e-mailed me about how much my book Simplify Your Life had changed her life. She said, “In taking stock of who to thank this year, I wanted to let you know you were one of the top ten, even if we’ve never met. Thank you!”
4. SEND “THINKING OF YOU” NOTES. When I was a child, my aunt Helen wrote me a note with a joke or pleasant thought every Monday when she got to work. Perhaps that’s why she’s one of my favorite aunts.
5. SEND A CHRISTMAS LETTER. Make new friends but keep the old by sending Christmas cards. This is a golden way to hold on to those past and long-distance relation-ships. Good friends from the past appreciate the yearly check-in.
6. DO SOMETHING TOGETHER. Build a friendship or keep one going by doing something together that you both enjoy. Join a gym, plan a walking schedule, or go to a conference together. It’s the quickest way to spend quality time with a new or old friend.
7. JOIN A GROUP. Look for people who share one of your favorite hobbies and make some new friends. When you camp or cook together in a class, you generally attract like-minded people.
8. VOLUNTEER TO SERVE. Whether you’re a person who is usually in charge or one who typically follows, try something new. Jump in and serve as an usher for a sporting event, concert, or play, or plan a luncheon at work. This gives you a chance to make new friends and to find out things about people you already know.
9. VACATION TOGETHER. Organize a spa weekend for women of all ages, or a golf outing, or a couple of days at a resort. A weekend away with friends provides quality time to catch up.
10. DO SOMETHING SOCIAL EACH WEEK. Though it’s nice to relax alone, it’s also important to connect with other people. Plan a social event with someone else once a week, or call a friend you haven’t talked with in a while.
Starting from Scratch
When we moved from Illinois to New York, I didn’t know anyone. I had two toddlers at the time and felt very isolated. I wondered how I could make new friends, go out to lunch, or attend an event when I didn’t have a babysitter or a relative to help me. My loneliness prompted me to create an action plan.
I thought of the people I would like to have as friends. There were many interesting people, but how could I connect with them since most worked outside the home? I changed my focus. I decided to approach three mothers from my kids’ preschool and from our church who had a time schedule similar to mine. I put the three names and phone numbers by my kitchen phone. And I called only one each week so I wouldn’t infringe on their time.
Six months later, we had a storm that dropped two feet of snow. After shoveling through the snowdrifts in our driveway to get home, I found three messages on my answering machine, each one expressing concern for our safety. Who were they from? My three new friends––the women I had consciously called over the previous weeks. I had made friends!
Create Win-Wins in Your Relationships
One of the purposes of saving time is to spend it with people you enjoy. Plan now to make new friends, cultivate old friendships, and focus on your family in positive ways that create a win-win for everyone. Soon you’ll be surrounded by people who appreciate you and you them.
It’s Your Time
Take Time for Relationships (Time Skill #1)
■ Think about your “strive for five” weekly friends and what you like about them.
■ Let these friends in your inner circle know how much you appreciate them.
■ Look for ways to give these five friends meaningful time and attention.
Friends are people you make part of your life just because you feel like it.
—Frederick Buechner