Rex, Riley, Sheriff Carnack, and Deputy Deputy arrived in my backyard half an hour later, joining Hilly, Kelly, and me. Officer Kevin Dooley and Ahmed inexplicably arrived together, with Ahmed still in drag. I was tempted to take a picture to use as blackmail so I could get out of all that cookie debt, but I was holding on to Lana. I handed over my prisoner, and they took her without comment.
Deputy Deputy and Sheriff Carnack each had hold of one of Lana's arms. The beautiful and treacherous Russian squirmed, straining to get free, while pummeling me with Russian expletives. She really was creative. I'd never heard the one about being half goat, half rat's anus before. Or maybe my Russian was getting a little rusty and she was saying something else.
Rex looked at me expectantly. "Well?"
"Well what?"
"I'm waiting for your monologue."
"I don't monologue."
"Yes, you do. So, get on with it, please," he said with a smile. "Tell us why Lana is here."
Fine. "I don't have any hard evidence, but this is what I'm convinced happened. Lana was here for two reasons. First, to kill Anna Beth Trident. Then, to kill me."
My husband pressed on. "Why kill Trident? Were the Russians and the Chinese working together or at odds with one another?"
I shook my head. "She killed Anna Beth because Anna Beth was really here to kill me. She wasn't after the super seed at all. The fact that they were both in the same place is merely coincidence."
"Oh sure," Kelly said. "It's all about you."
Sheriff Carnack asked, "Why did she dump the body in your backyard?"
I smiled. "She had no choice. Lana had killed Anna Beth somewhere else—my guess is she lured her to the old Higgins place, where she'd been living for months. She brought the body here because she was squatting in my basement. I think she has been for a long time."
"Why move from a hidden spot in the country into town at your house?" Rex asked.
"You'll have to ask her." I pointed at the Russian. "And she won't tell you anything. But I'm guessing that the appearance of ABT meant Lana would have to up her game. It was time to take me out once and for all. And what better place to confront me than my old house? No one, including me, would think to look there. All I'd have to do is walk in, and she'd have me where she wanted me."
Everyone turned to look at the woman, who, under scrutiny, stopped talking.
"I think she was freaked out by me moving Hilly in here that day. She was probably in the process of taking the body out of here when I showed up. So she dumped Anna Beth's remains in this yard and fled. It had the added benefit of implicating Hilly and me."
Kelly mused, "She must've stored her in your freezer chest downstairs."
Wait, what? Now I had to get rid of it! I really liked that freezer—I could fit an entire steer in there! It came with the house!
"The medical examiner's report didn't say anything about her being frozen," Rex said soothingly. "She must have stashed her some other way."
That was a relief. But now I had to bleach my whole basement. Sigh.
Deputy Deputy frowned. "So, I'm guessing she killed Annabelle Trident too?"
I looked directly at Hilly. "No, she didn't. Someone else did that for the same reason, thinking they were killing Anna Beth. But I can't tell you who because I'm pretty sure that's classified."
Rex followed my gaze. He knew what I was saying. He gave me a tiny nod, which told me he wouldn't arrest her until later, and I was going to get pizza for dinner tonight. It's amazing how a couple can communicate.
Kelly interrupted, "So, Hilly killed Annabelle?"
"Of course not! The CIA doesn't have assassins!" I said as I nodded, confusing my real best friend even more. "Here's how I think it went down. Hilly found out about the contract on my life and came here to put a stop to it. Annabelle was here in town, waiting to meet up with her sister.
"But the Agency didn't know Anna Beth had a twin, so the person who killed Annabelle thought she was ABT and took her out. I kind of caught this person in the act. I'd be willing to bet that the first burial place for Annabelle was in the dumpster behind the restaurant that night. The killer then retrieved the body and held on to it until she could dump it in the quarry."
I smiled. "Of course I have no idea who this person was, but I would like to thank them for protecting me."
Hilly scratched her elbow as she stared off into the distance.
I turned on Lana. "And I'd like to thank you too."
Lana started screaming expletives in English this time. One of the men holding her must've increased his grip on her because she yelped in pain.
"You're thanking Lana?" Kelly asked. "Why?"
"Because she killed Anna Beth so Anna Beth wouldn't kill me." I waited a moment for that to sink in. "Not for altruistic reasons, mind you. Lana killed ABT because she wanted to be the one who killed me."
Lana glared but said nothing.
Kelly shook her head. "I don't get it. Why didn't the CIA, or anyone else, know Anna Beth had a twin and that the two were working together?"
"It's a good question, and while I don't know for sure, I'd be willing to bet that both women acted as Anna Beth. That way they could spy on more than one person at the same time, and if ABT was targeted, they could both assume Annabelle's identity to get away with it. The CIA eventually figured it out and faxed that info to Hilly, probably after she'd already killed Annabelle."
Hilly mused, "Someone's going to have to do a ton of paperwork back at Langley."
I shook my head. "It won't be me. I nominate Ahmed."
Ahmed said nothing. He and Officer Kevin Dooley were up to their elbows in boxes of peanut butter sandwich cookies.
"So." Hilly cocked her head to one side. "Who stole the farmer's entire crop?"
I was just about to open my mouth when Rex spoke.
"The teen druids."
Every jaw dropped except for mine because I'd already suspected this.
"Kayla and Mike, to be more specific," Rex added. "The others weren't involved."
"I don't understand," Riley said.
"I do." I smiled. "Kayla and Mike wanted to achieve two things—establishing the group as having supernatural powers and to help Stewie."
"Ah!" Riley grinned as he figured it out. "That's why they dumped the virgin soil over the top after they stole the corn! To make it look more surreal."
"Actually," I added, "I think they did that to make it look like aliens took the crops. But I might be wrong about that. I'll put it on the agenda at our next cult meeting." I looked at my husband. "How did you know? I wasn't entirely sure."
Rex nodded. "I found a weird ring in the dirt. It's like a poison ring in that it had a secret compartment that held a note from Mike to Kayla explaining how it was done. We found the now dead plants at a compost plant in Bladdersly."
My jaw dropped. "They compost in Bladdersly?"
Carnack shook his head. "It's a front for a meth ring we seem to bust every other month."
"I hope you'll go easy on the kids," I said. To be honest, stealing an entire crop of experimental corn was going to have some harsh penalties. Sown in the spring, the crop would've been nearing its peak. All that time and effort was lost now.
"I'm working with the seed company," Rex said, "to find some appropriate punishment. I don't want those kids to have records. I'm not sure what'll happen, but I've heard they might be detasseling for free next summer."
"That seems fair," I said. It was basically condemning them to three weeks hard labor for no pay, but it wouldn't be on their record, which was something. They weren't bad kids. Just a bit misguided.
"Let me get this straight," Riley said. "Anna Beth wasn't here to steal secrets. She was here to kill you?"
I nodded. "It would've taken her to a new level. She'd never been an assassin before."
"Amateurs." Hilly sniffed. "This is a job for professionals. I hate it when people think that anyone can do my job." It was the closest she'd ever come to defying the CIA rule that we don't have assassins.
Riley asked, "How did Lana find out that there was a contract out on you?"
Hilly rolled her eyes. "We have memos. Duh."
We all turned to stare at her.
"What?" she asked. "I stay connected. A bunch of us have an email loop. I read the memos."
"There are memos calling for my assassination?" I asked. I couldn't resist a fist pump. I'd really made the big-time.
"The call for your death died down a bit after you were outed." Hilly nodded. "The hit came from the Chechens, the same ones you escaped when CNN ran the story outing you. You should watch out for them, by the way. As to why did ABT go after that hit? My guess was you were considered an easy one for her first kill. That happens all the time."
Well, that took a little wind out of my sails.
I turned to Lana. "Why did you take so long to kill me? You've been hanging around here for months."
A hostile stream of Russian swearing poured from the blonde like a raging river of fury.
I laughed.
"What did she say?" Rex asked.
"She'd been trying to drive me insane. Lana thought that after a while, I'd be such a fragile mess, she could make it look like suicide."
"Why's that funny?"
I shrugged. "It's hard to drive someone mad when they already are…a bit."
"So, Anna Beth's appearance upped the timeline," Riley mused.
"I think so," I replied. "Lana really wanted me dead, but she didn't want anyone else to do it."
"And here we'd been suspecting Hilly all this time," Riley said.
If Hilly was insulted, she didn't show it. She merely shrugged, probably because she thought that it was a given that an assassin (who wasn't an assassin) would be the first suspect.
"You really are here on vacation," I asked, "aren't you?"
"I was after ABT, like you said. I told the Agency I was going to Bulgaria because I was doing this on my own. So, I came here to see you, claiming vacation. But I have to say, it wasn't a very relaxing one. I guess I thought I'd get more downtime."
"There's never a dull moment with Merry." Rex smiled.
"I think next time," Hilly said, "I'll take one someplace quiet—like New York City."
As Riley and Rex took Lana away to a waiting squad car, I nodded. "Sounds quiet. I do have one question though."
Hilly grinned. "Shoot!"
"It's really none of my business. I mean, it's your vacation, and you certainly didn't have to check in with me. But curiosity is killing me, and I have to know. Where did you disappear to every now and then?"
"Your sisters-in-law's place."
I stared at her. "What? Why?" Maybe she'd been thinking of taking out Ronni!
"Ronni was teaching me how to do taxidermy!" Hilly reached into her bag and held something out. "I got this dung beetle in Des Moines!" She was bursting with pride.
The deceased beetle was wearing a tiny Girl Scout vest with little badges on it. In one hand, the bug had a small box of cookies. In the other, a noose and a piece of paper that said Knot Tying Proficiency.
Ahmed blanched.
"I made one for you!" She pulled out another beetle covered in black and white fur. The bug was wearing a mask of Philby's face.
"Thanks!" I took it with delight. "I'll cherish it always." I wasn't sure Philby would feel the same way, but she wasn't getting to this one like she did with the mouse mobile.