Sue, how could you do this to me? Jon’s vision of Sue in bed with Greg was indelibly etched in his mind. He could not stop thinking about it and wanting to talk about it. What did I do to you that would cause you to hurt me so much?
At first, Sue tried to shut him up by telling him that her relationship with Greg was over, and that they should stop talking about the past. Jon desperately wanted to believe her. She made love to him almost every night for the first week in an attempt to prove that her affair was over and that she was in love with Jon. In an effort to give a convincing performance, she imagined that it was Greg in her arms.
Jon had asked good questions and he desperately needed good answers. Why did Sue have an affair? How did it ever get started? What are the conditions that set these disastrous events into motion, and once in motion why do they usually spin out of control?
How Could It Happen?
We begin our search for answers to these important questions by looking more closely at the players in this drama: Jon, Sue, and Greg. Each of them helped create the conditions that made the affair possible.
Jon’s contribution was his failure to meet Sue’s emotional needs. He worked long hours away from her and their children because he felt he was building a secure future for them. He didn’t realize that his failure made Sue vulnerable to the first caring man to come into her life.
Sue’s contribution was her failure to be honest. She did not tell Jon about her loss of passion for him and she was also dishonest about her developing relationship—and passion—for Greg. Her emotions warned her of the disaster that was to come, but she failed to pass that warning on to Jon.
Sue also had inappropriate boundaries around men. She saw nothing wrong with close opposite sex friendships, yet this is how most affairs start. When one emotional need is met in such a friendship, the others are soon to follow.
Greg contributed to the affair by befriending a married woman. At first, he didn’t intend for his friendship with Sue to turn into an affair. He simply wanted to help her with her problems. His care for her seemed sensible and completely harmless. But his meeting the emotional needs that Jon had failed to meet caused Sue to fall in love with him.
Affairs meet important emotional needs. That’s why, despite the suffering experienced by everyone involved, people become ensnared by them. And emotional needs are so powerful that whoever meets them can become irresistible.
What Are Emotional Needs?
An emotional need is a craving that, when satisfied, leaves you with a feeling of happiness and contentment and when unsatisfied, leaves you with a feeling of unhappiness and frustration. There are probably thousands of emotional needs—a need for parties, chocolate, football on TV, shopping—I could go on and on. Each of us has some of these needs and not others. But there are only a very few emotional needs that, when met by someone of the opposite sex, make us feel so fulfilled and happy that we can fall in love with that person. I call those our most important emotional needs. Those are the ones that make us feel the most satisfied whenever they are met and the most frustrated when they are not met.
When a husband and wife come to me for help, I first identify their most important emotional needs—what makes each of them feel the best? Then I help them learn to meet those emotional needs for each other. If they learn to do it, they create a fulfilling marriage.
By privately discussing emotional needs with hundreds of men and women, I have discovered that there are ten emotional needs that are usually near the top of the list for most people: the need for admiration, affection, intimate conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment. (See chapter 11 and appendix A for more information about these needs.)
I have also made a revolutionary discovery that has helped me understand why it is so difficult for men and women to meet each other’s needs. Whenever I ask couples to list these ten needs according to their priority, men usually list them one way and women the opposite way. The five emotional needs that men tend to place at the top of their list are usually at the bottom of the list for women, and vice versa—the five most important emotional needs of women are usually the least important of men.
What an insight! No wonder men and women have so much difficulty meeting each other’s needs! They are unable to empathize with each other. They feel like doing for each other what they would appreciate the most, but it turns out that their efforts are misdirected. What one spouse appreciates the most, the other usually appreciates the least!
Of course, everyone is somewhat unique. While men on average pick a particular five emotional needs and women on average pick the other five, any specific man or woman may pick other combinations. Therefore, I always encourage each spouse to decide what he or she appreciates the most. I never tell people what their emotional needs are. They always tell me. And when those particular needs are met, they will be in love with the one who meets them.
Jon’s ambition and his desire to build an attractive lifestyle for his family was not the cause of Sue’s affair. The reason Sue was tempted to have an affair was that her most important emotional needs were not considered when Jon made his vocational decisions. He didn’t understand how important it was to meet Sue’s needs for conversation, affection, and family commitment. By focusing all of his attention on meeting her need for financial support and ignoring her other needs, he left her vulnerable to someone who would meet those other needs. Out of ignorance, he made decisions to achieve their financial objectives at Sue’s emotional expense. If he had known how important it was for him to meet Sue’s most important emotional needs as he tried to achieve his lifestyle objectives, he would not have made Sue as vulnerable to an affair.
When our most important emotional needs go unmet, we tend to feel somewhat empty and depressed. When those needs are met, we feel alive again—fulfilled. While we all may go through life with unmet emotional needs, none of us is very happy with that kind of life. People who feel depressed because of unmet emotional needs may see therapist after therapist in an effort to relieve their feeling of hopelessness, but they find no relief. They take medication to treat their depression, but that only helps relieve the suffering as long as the medication is used. These people often conclude that there’s something wrong with them, that their brain is out of whack, that they are psychologically unstable.
But then they meet someone who makes them feel wonderful. It’s as if the clouds have lifted and the sun is shining again. This person usually satisfies the unmet emotional needs quite innocently. It may be that the person is genuinely interested in intimate conversation, expresses admiration that is sincere, or provides exciting recreational companionship. When the unmet emotional needs are fulfilled, the results are incredible. The depressed person is instantly cured—as long as he or she continues to have their emotional needs met. If those needs are no longer met, the depression returns.
Some people believe that the lifting of their depression during an affair is a sign from God that they should abandon past relationships and cling to this new relationship. But it’s no sign from God. Instead, it’s the way our emotions blindly encourage us to spend more time with those who do the best job meeting our emotional needs. If we were to give in to our emotions and chase after anyone who happens to meet our emotional needs at the moment, our lives and the lives of our families would be chaotic in no time. It’s very foolish to let our emotions dictate the course of our lives. But unmet needs have a powerful effect—so powerful that people are willing to give up their spouse as well as their children, career, and beliefs to have their emotional needs met.
To show you how unmet emotional needs lead to an affair, I’ll let Sue continue to explain her predicament to you.
I’m in a relationship with Greg because I’ve had serious problems with my marriage, only I didn’t fully realize it until now. I have been very unhappy with Jon as a husband, and knowing Greg has made that very clear to me. I used to think I had a good marriage, but that was because I never knew what a romantic relationship could be.
Greg and I became good friends very innocently. I was not looking for a replacement for Jon, but my friendship with Greg has shown me what I’ve been missing all these years. I feel I have turned a critical corner. Greg doesn’t earn as much money as Jon but he is very smart and creative and organized, and a fun person to hang out with. He’s not as good looking as Jon, but I find him more attractive anyway.
Greg and I had worked together on our committee for months without any thoughts of a romantic relationship. When we first met, I never would have guessed in a million years that I would someday be in love with him. But one day we both realized that we felt something for each other.
Greg makes me weak with desire, something I haven’t felt in years. We actually talk and look at each other. It seems so natural, like the right thing to do. When we make love it’s like heaven. We see each other several times a week but we must be very careful now that Jon knows about us. We joke and laugh and even have very deep conversations about my marriage problems.
Feeling such pleasure and enjoyment from just his company, let alone the intense passion I feel kissing him, makes me realize just how little I was getting from my marriage. I don’t want to ruin my kids’ lives. They would resent me forever. But I can’t lose Greg either. How would I ever be able to find someone else like him?
There are many things about Jon that I admire. In many ways, he’s a great guy. I just don’t love him. There’s no way that he will ever be what I need in a man.
Affairs Satisfy Emotional Needs
Regardless of where an affair falls on the emotional attachment continuum, it exists because it meets important emotional needs. While it’s true that in some cases the emotional needs met in an affair are also met in marriage, in most cases they are unmet in marriage, which makes the affair particularly tempting.
When spouses are temporarily separated from each other, either overnight or on extended assignments, their emotional needs are temporarily unmet and they will often be tempted to find someone else to meet them. So it should be no surprise that careers requiring a couple to be separated are highly associated with infidelity.
The same temptation faced by spouses who are separated also exist for spouses who are together in the evening yet fail to meet each other’s emotional needs. Such failure can be due to a high-stress life where both spouses are trying to juggle work with childcare and other responsibilities. They find no time or energy to meet each other’s emotional needs. But someone they know on the job, who gives them their time and attention, fills the void. For them, an affair is almost irresistible.
But I have also witnessed some spouses who have not been separated by their careers and whose emotional needs have been met in marriage, yet they have an affair anyway. While meeting each other’s important emotional needs greatly reduces the chance of an affair, sadly, it does not completely eliminate it. This type of affair is a testament to the incredible, and often irrational, power of emotional needs.
There Are Reasons for an Affair, but No Excuses
Time and time again, a betrayed spouse will tell me that their unfaithful spouse’s affair was the worst experience of their life. In one case a wife told me that it was worse than the loss of her child; in another case, worse than a rape she had endured. A loss of a house by fire, an amputated limb, and many other tragic experiences don’t usually compare with the pain suffered by infidelity. On a scale of all other sources of suffering in life, infidelity usually tops the list. And yet, I’ve found that affairs are very common. I estimate that at least 60 percent of all marriages experience infidelity.
While it’s true that unmet emotional needs make an affair more tempting, the suffering that it causes puts the responsibility for avoiding it squarely on the shoulders of each spouse. At the time of their marriage they promise to be faithful, to avoid the worst threat to each other. So if either spouse violates that promise, that person is solely responsible for the offense. A betrayed spouse is never to blame for an affair.
In my explanation of how affairs happen, I’m simply acknowledging the fact that unmet emotional needs make a spouse more vulnerable to the temptation of an affair. And some of us are vulnerable even if our emotional needs are being met. Yet temptation and vulnerability are not excuses for the worst offense a spouse can make. It’s the one who commits the harmful act itself who bears all of the responsibility.
Later in this book, I will describe ways to protect each other from your predispositions to have affairs, even when your emotional needs are not being met. But for now I want to make it completely clear that no one deserves to experience the suffering that an affair creates. The only person responsible for an affair and its painful consequences is the unfaithful spouse.
Jon failed to meet Sue’s emotional needs because he did not understand how important they were to her. He was putting all of his energy into a career that he thought would make their whole family happy. He was usually too exhausted when he got home from work to meet Sue’s emotional needs for conversation and affection. Because these were important needs that were left unmet, Sue was vulnerable to Greg, who was able to meet needs that Jon did not.
But Jon didn’t deserve the suffering that Sue’s affair inflicted on him. Whatever Sue gained by her affair was inconsequential compared to the pain she caused her husband. Her affair was the most selfish act she could have ever committed against him.
The Feeling of Love, a Powerful Emotion That Should Not Be Ignored
Unmet emotional needs usually provide the temptation to set an affair into motion. But what really complicates the situation is the way we can be affected by those who meet our most important emotional needs—we fall in love. And it’s the feeling of love that usually causes affairs to spin out of control.
Initially, when Jon discovered Sue’s affair, she was willing to end her relationship with Greg and she tried to avoid seeing or talking to him. She even gave up her position on the Lake Restoration Committee to get him completely out of her life. But her emotional attachment to him was very strong. All she could think about was being with Greg. She missed the way he met her important emotional needs, but there was more to it than that. She was in love with him.
Love is a very powerful emotional reaction. It’s love that usually motivates us to marry someone. And it’s love that keeps us happily married. But it’s also love that makes ending an affair extremely difficult.
Love certainly determined Sue’s conduct, especially after her affair was discovered by Jon. When asked why she couldn’t leave Greg, she answered, I love him. Was that it? Was Sue willing to risk her husband’s happiness and her children’s future simply because she was in love? I’m afraid so. Her love for Greg was all it took to throw her life and the life of her family into chaos.
How did Sue come to love Greg? And why didn’t she love Jon anymore? My concept of the Love Bank helps explain what creates and destroys the feeling of love.
The Love Bank
You and I have within us a Love Bank, and each person we know has an account in it. The Love Bank helps us keep track of the way people treat us. When people do things that make us feel good, “love units” are deposited, and when they do things that make us feel bad, love units are withdrawn.
Suppose someone makes you feel comfortable when you are together. Ka-chink, a love unit is deposited into their account. If you feel good with that person, two love units might be deposited. Feeling very good might warrant a three-unit deposit. Or if the person does something that makes you feel so good you are likely to remember it for several weeks, four love units might be deposited. You can see how someone who is consistent in making you happy could eventually accumulate quite a large account in your Love Bank. And the higher a person’s account is, the more emotionally attracted you are to that person.
But just as people can deposit love units, they can also withdraw them. Someone who makes you feel uncomfortable will withdraw one love unit from their account. If that person makes you feel bad, two love units are withdrawn. Feeling very bad results in the loss of three love units. And if you feel so bad you will remember the experience for a while, four love units will disappear from the account. If someone withdraws all the love units he or she ever deposited and then goes on to drive the account deeply into the red, you find you are repulsed by that person.
The feeling of attraction to someone is the way our emotions encourage us to spend time with people who treat us well. When someone makes us happy, our emotions associate that person with happiness, and we want to be with him or her. Similarly, when someone makes us consistently unhappy, our emotions usually tell us to avoid that person.
When a certain threshold in the Love Bank is reached with someone of the opposite sex—say a thousand love units—the emotional reaction we call romantic love is triggered. It’s not just attraction that we feel, it’s incredible attraction. We don’t simply like the person, we are captivated by the person. We feel wonderful when we are together and often feel terrible when apart. The feeling of love is unmistakable and overwhelming.
As long as your account in someone’s Love Bank stays above the romantic love threshold, he or she will be in love with you. So how can a couple keep their Love Bank balances high enough to experience romantic love? By making large deposits regularly. And the best way to do that is to meet each other’s most important emotional needs. Unless couples meet those needs, their love for each other cannot be sustained throughout life.
Unfortunately, when a Love Bank balance drops below the romantic love threshold, a siren does not go off, warning us of the danger. Instead, we simply lose the feeling of love we had for our spouse. This loss of love is usually regarded as the normal settling in of marriage partners to a more mature relationship. But actually it is the beginning of serious trouble.
Jon let his account in Sue’s Love Bank fall well below her romantic love threshold. He stopped meeting her emotional needs, and over time, all of the love units he had deposited during their courtship and early marriage drained out. On the other hand, Greg’s account in her Love Bank soared well over her romantic love threshold. He met the needs that Jon failed to meet and deposited love units every time he was with Sue. The result was that she loved Greg and didn’t love her husband, Jon.
The feeling of love that Sue had for Greg, and her loss of love for Jon, made marital recovery very difficult. Greg had a huge emotional advantage over Jon. Whenever Sue was with Jon, his low Love Bank balance made her feel uncomfortable, so she really didn’t care to be with him that much. On the other hand, Greg’s Love Bank balance made her feel terrific. So she looked forward to every moment they could be together.
As long as Greg kept his Love Bank balance high by continuing to meet Sue’s emotional needs, Jon’s efforts to make Sue happy would pale in comparison. It’s very difficult for a person with a depleted Love Bank account to compete with someone with an overflowing account. Jon came to understand his disadvantage all too well in the months ahead.