5
How Should Affairs End?

Sue’s affair with Greg ended the way most affairs end—it died a natural death. Once an affair is exposed to the realities of life, the protective bubble usually breaks and the passion fades away. Without passion, the stupidity of an affair becomes painfully apparent to everyone involved, and the only emotion left is depression of the worst kind.

The affair was bad enough for Jon, but the way it ended seemed even worse. Greg left Sue. Only then was she willing to have Jon come back home. Jon had won her back only because Greg was no longer interested in her.

However, there are couples who follow a different path when an affair is discovered. They are spared much of the pain and suffering that Sue and Jon endured in the months following the exposure of her affair. And their marital recovery is much easier because they ended their affair the right way.

How should an affair end? Lee and Kevin’s experience is a good example of how it should be done.

Kevin and Lee’s Story

Hey, Kevin, what’s up? As Kevin’s friend and coworker, Amy knew something was wrong.

Oh, it’s nothing, probably just the forty thing, Kevin responded, referring to the fact that he had just turned forty. He had a great job as manager of an auto dealership, and had four beautiful children. But he was unhappy with the way his life was turning out.

His discontent was with his wife, Lee. She had changed, and Kevin wasn’t sure why. She had always been there for him, with encouraging conversation and affection that seemed to have no limits. Lee had also looked sensational, and they used to have a wonderful sex life together. Unfortunately these were all just memories.

Kevin noticed a change in Lee when their first child was born. He knew that children would require adjustments in their lifestyle, but he never thought that a child would create such a transformation in Lee’s attitude toward him. Before their child arrived, Kevin seemed to be her highest priority in life, but after the child, he seemed to be her lowest priority.

Their second child made matters even worse. All the love and affection that Lee had given to Kevin during the first years of their marriage were now refocused on their two children. As two more children arrived, Kevin and Lee’s relationship continued to deteriorate.

Lee was a good mother and gave her children excellent care. She kept them clean and well fed, helped them with homework, and was their chauffeur to music lessons, sports practice, and church events. But her self-sacrificing care for the children kept her in a constant state of exhaustion. She knew something was lacking in her relationship with Kevin but she was simply too busy and too tired to give it much thought, let alone do something about it.

Amy knew that Kevin hadn’t been his happy-go-lucky self for some time and she was concerned about him. You seem to be really down about something, Kevin. I’m a good listener, Amy said, encouraging him to confide in her.

In the next two hours, Kevin poured his heart out. Nearly in tears, he explained how depressed he had been lately. He just didn’t feel like doing much of anything anymore, and had little enthusiasm for life. He also mentioned how his relationship with Lee had suffered over the years—how low he was on her list of priorities.

Amy listened attentively. Trying to help, she suggested that he might start an exercise program with Lee as a way of rebuilding their relationship and his health, all at the same time.

I started working out at the health club last month. It sure has made me feel better. I could get you two free passes if you’d like, she offered.

Wow! Kevin thought. That does sound like a good idea. Maybe that’s all Lee and I need—a little time together.

That night Kevin told Lee about the passes and suggested they plan to go out together at least twice a week. But Lee did not share his enthusiasm. I really wouldn’t want to leave the children alone at night. But it might not be a bad idea for you to go. It might make you feel a little better if you got some exercise.

So Kevin decided to work out twice a week—with Amy. The exercise made him feel much better, and it wasn’t long before he increased it to three times a week, then four, and finally he met Amy almost every day. He lost fifteen pounds, built endurance and muscle tone, and had not felt so good in years. Each morning he could hardly wait to meet Amy for their morning workout.

Lee encouraged Kevin to go to the health club every morning because she could see how much healthier and happier he had become. But she didn’t realize that Amy was exercising with Kevin. It wasn’t that Kevin had lied about it—the topic of his exercise partner simply never came up.

It wasn’t long before Kevin and Amy had fallen in love with each other. It was predictable, because they spent the most enjoyable moments of each day together. They were both able to conceal their emotions fairly well at first. But it was only a matter of time before the truth was revealed.

One day when Kevin and Amy were together, he brought up the subject of her husband, Al. It was quite an innocent question: How is Al doing these days?

Amy became very quiet. Suddenly tears streamed down her face. When she regained her composure, she told Kevin for the first time what a bitter disappointment Al had been to her. She had always hoped to have children and raise a family, but from the time they were married, he had been unable to keep a job and was unemployed most of the time. It was up to Amy to pay most of the bills. If that wasn’t bad enough, to entertain himself he spent most of his time with friends who had as little ambition as he had. When Amy came home from work, he was usually nowhere to be found. She had lost her love for him and had already seen an attorney to file for divorce.

Kevin gave her a hug as she cried. Amy hugged him back and then gave him a kiss. Their kiss expressed what they had been secretly feeling for each other for weeks. Neither of them wanted it to stop.

When Kevin came home that evening, Lee could see that something was wrong. He seemed very aloof. That was unusual. He was almost always cheerful and talkative, playing with the kids and chatting with her. Tonight he had nothing to say.

Lee was alarmed by the sudden change in Kevin’s mood, and wanted to know what it was all about. At first, Kevin tried to lie to her, saying that it had been a disappointing day at work. But Lee knew that disappointing days didn’t affect Kevin that way. He was able to leave his work behind him. So she pressed on and kept asking him questions about what had happened that day to upset him so much. Finally, he admitted to her that he was in love with another woman.

Lee was stunned and then became angry. But she was able to compose herself and, as calmly as possible, she asked Kevin to tell her all about it. Reluctantly, he did. He explained how unhappy he had been in their marriage and how Amy had become someone who really seemed to care about him. She had become his best friend, and now he was in love with her.

I was able to talk to both Kevin and Lee the next day. During our session together, they explained the circumstances that led them to my office, and then I pointed out what had not yet happened to them—Kevin had not yet made love to Amy. He had not yet created a secret second life to give himself greater opportunity to be with her. He had not yet decided to separate from Lee and his children. He had not yet found that Amy wasn’t really the woman he wanted after all. And he had not yet begged an extremely resentful Lee to give him another chance after almost destroying her life. Kevin knew that if he stopped his relationship with Amy now, he could avoid all the tragic events that would accompany the continuation of their affair.

The feeling of love is one of the most powerful emotions we ever experience, and it’s very difficult to leave someone you love. Yet that’s exactly what Kevin had to do—and he had to do it immediately.

Ending All Contact—The Right Way to End an Affair

Although Kevin was in no position to bargain, he tried anyway. Like others in his position, he tried to keep Amy in the loop somehow. You’d think that an unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weakness and so aware of the pain inflicted that he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual” or was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay. In Kevin’s case, he argued that it was “only emotional.”

Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse. After an affair has been exposed, each contact made with a lover feels like a knife in the back to the betrayed spouse. With that reality in mind, and the real danger of an affair rekindling with even casual contact, there is no good reason for the unfaithful spouse to ever see or talk to the former lover. There should be absolutely no contact.

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.

The Addictive Power of an Affair

Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others, we tried to achieve total abstinence. It wasn’t long before all the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior. Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.

My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating alcoholics and drug addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.

An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. The fact that a spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.

Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction—to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having a romantic relationship rather than to a particular lover.

The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar.

The analogy between a chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for the most—his or her family. After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal to ensure total separation from the addicting substance. The longer the separation, the less craving addicts feel. Eventually they regain control of their lives.

The best way to overcome an addiction is tried and proven—abstain from the object of addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must avoid places where alcohol is likely to be found, such as bars and parties. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. They must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when an unfaithful spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken to avoid all contact with the lover—for life.

Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover. In the case of Sue and Jon, Sue managed to be separated from Greg for about a week but couldn’t resist talking to him. So her affair continued until it finally died a natural death, leaving pain and suffering in its wake.

But while total separation is not easy to implement, there are ways to make it work. I helped Kevin and Lee create such a plan.

How to Tell a Lover That the Relationship Is Over

How can I explain to Amy that I will never see her again? Kevin asked. The answer to that question is an extremely important part of the plan to separate. Kevin needed to end the relationship in a way that would make their separation complete. And he also needed to do it in a way that would be least offensive to Lee.

But Kevin’s instincts would not have led him to the correct procedure. If left to his own devices, he would have taken Amy on a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. At the very least, he would have wanted to take her to a secluded spot and discuss the pros and cons of their future together. From Kevin’s perspective, he would want to let her down gently, and end the relationship with care and concern for her future. After all, he had encouraged her to love him, and now he felt he had no right to abandon her with no warning. Besides, he wasn’t just in love with her, he cared about her, too. She was his best friend.

The approach Kevin would have used to end the relationship not only would have been very offensive to Lee, but it probably would have failed. I’ve witnessed many of these “final” good-byes and there’s nothing final about them. All they do is leave the unfaithful spouse and the lover even more convinced that they belong with each other.

From Lee’s perspective (and mine), Amy was the worst enemy of Kevin and Lee’s marriage. She stood in the way of their happiness and the happiness of their children. Lee did not want Kevin to “let Amy down gently.”

I recommended to Kevin that he write Amy the final good-bye in a letter. I did not want him to see or talk to her ever again if at all possible.

The letter had to be written in a way that was acceptable to Lee. It was to be short and to the point. It was to begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those he loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it would be the right thing to do. Then Kevin would explain how he cared about Lee and his children, and for the sake of their protection had decided to completely end his relationship with Amy. Kevin would promise never to see or communicate with Amy again in life and would ask Amy to respect that promise. Nothing would be said about how he would miss her.

At first Kevin felt that such a letter would be a cruel way to end his affair. But he eventually understood how important it was to completely close the door on any hope of a future relationship. It was over, and Amy needed to know that. If Kevin had given Amy any false hope, preventing her from moving on in her life, it would have been incredibly cruel.

Kevin wrote this letter to Amy and let Lee read it:

Amy, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that Lee did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay Lee for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my decision to end our relationship.

Sincerely, Kevin

A mutual friend was asked to deliver the letter to Amy so that there would be no opportunity for Kevin to add anything to its content. I told Kevin that he should not call Amy. It’s very tempting for an unfaithful spouse to tell the lover that the letter is not entirely his or hers, but rather one that the spouse and counselor wrote.

Extraordinary Precautions Must Be Taken to Guarantee No Contact

An affair is not only extremely destructive to a marriage, but it is also extremely difficult to end. So Kevin’s willingness to end his relationship with Amy had to be reinforced with extraordinary precautions that would make it difficult for them to contact each other again.

The extraordinary precautions that I recommend focus special attention on conditions that made the affair possible. Many of the couples I’ve counseled have added precautions to this list because, for them, those conditions were instrumental in making the affair possible. But in general, these precautions help make a rekindling of the affair, and the possibility of future affairs, much less likely.

1. Block Communication with a Lover

Even when a family has moved from one coast to the other, email, texting, and internet social networks are readily available to make contact with a former lover. After the sacrifice of a job change or physical relocation, unfaithful spouses have been known to keep an affair alive.

One man I counseled had ended his affair and was two months into marital recovery when his ex-lover sent him an email. That was all it took to reignite the flame of their relationship, making it more intense and discreet than ever.

Since these forms of communication are a tempting way to make contact with an ex-lover, measures should be taken to make them difficult to use for that purpose. I suggest that a couple use an unlisted home number, change their email address and cell phone number, close their internet social network accounts, and have the betrayed spouse monitor all voice messages, mail, and email. Most important, I suggest that the betrayed spouse have free access to records of all communication including telephone calls and email. These precautions may make an unfaithful spouse feel like a convict on probation, but they are often essential conditions to breaking the addiction that keeps an affair alive.

At first Kevin didn’t think such extraordinary precautions were needed. He felt strongly that Amy would not try to contact him once he broke it off with her. But he had his phone number changed anyway. Lee listened to all recorded telephone messages and opened his email to make sure he did not receive any messages from Amy.

It didn’t take long before these precautions were proven to be justified. Within two weeks Lee discovered a letter from Amy. In it she told Kevin how much she missed him. Lee told Kevin about Amy’s letter but did not describe the contents. They both agreed that Lee should destroy the letter, which is what she did. That experience helped Kevin see how important it was for him to follow my extraordinary precautions.

2. Account for Time

In order to maintain a secret second life, which is an essential ingredient for most affairs, an unfaithful spouse must be able to spend at least some of his or her time away from the watchful eye of the betrayed spouse. So to end a secret second life, it’s important to do whatever it takes to assure that time is accounted for throughout the day and night. That’s especially true when an affair is first discovered and the unfaithful spouse is willing to end it.

I suggested to Kevin and Lee that they give each other a twenty-four-hour schedule of their daily activities. With the schedule, there would be a telephone number where they could be reached. I explained that it was something they should have been doing throughout their marriage out of consideration for each other. Knowing where Kevin was twenty-four hours a day and being able to contact him also helped Lee restore her trust in Kevin.

I also suggested that they call each other several times during the day, just to talk, but also for Lee to be assured that Kevin was where he said he would be.

Kevin and Lee began giving each other daily schedules. Kevin actually looked forward to Lee’s calls. He was also pleasantly surprised when she stopped by his office. He enjoyed getting the attention he had missed during most of their marriage.

When Kevin left the office each day, he called Lee so she would know when he would be home. It was something he should have done throughout his marriage, but he just never got into the habit. What started as a way for Lee to check up on Kevin soon became a way for them to show their care and concern for each other.

3. Account for Money

A secret second life depends not only on hidden time but also on hidden money. Lee usually didn’t know how Kevin spent their money, and so it would have been easy for him to divert some of his income to a secret second life.

As Kevin and Amy were developing their relationship, he took her to lunch and bought her token gifts. He wasn’t spending a lot of money, but he wouldn’t have been able to hide the expense from Lee if she were involved on a daily basis in managing their finances.

Kevin had given Lee very little financial information. He earned the money and paid the bills. He gave her an allowance for groceries and incidental expenses, and the rest was his to do with as he pleased. So my suggestion that he make all financial decisions jointly with Lee seemed at first like punishment.

Granted, accounting for how he spent his money was partially intended to be a precaution to help Kevin avoid contact with Amy, but even more important, accounting for money was essential in helping Kevin and Lee build a strong and caring marriage. It wasn’t punishment at all—it was the foundation of a thoughtful relationship, in which the money they spent would be mutually beneficial. Eventually Kevin also saw it that way.

4. Spend Leisure Time Together

Kevin and Amy had become each other’s best friends partly because they spent much of their leisure time with each other. They not only exercised together every morning, but they also had lunch with each other and often spent time together after work.

We have already discussed the importance of accounting for time, especially leisure time. But another extraordinary precaution that an unfaithful spouse and betrayed spouse should take is to spend their leisure time together.

So I encouraged Lee and Kevin to be together whenever he was not at work. Lee now realized that it was vital to their relationship that she spend more time with Kevin. By using day care and a friend with whom she exchanged babysitting duties, Lee was often able to join Kevin for lunch. They also joined a new health club and exercised together three mornings a week.

Once in a while Kevin was required to take a business trip. Since I encouraged them to spend all their leisure time together, Lee went along with him. They were curious to know how long this extraordinary precaution would be necessary, since it was expensive and inconvenient for Lee to travel with Kevin every time he was gone overnight. My response was that the risk of an affair was too great to ever take any chances. Besides, after they had traveled together for a while, they would probably want to do it the rest of their lives.

5. Change Jobs and Relocate, if Necessary

As long as Amy and Kevin would have worked together, the goal of no contact would have been impossible to achieve. So Kevin had to take the extraordinary precaution of trying to find another job where he would not be working with Amy. Kevin’s management job would be difficult to give up, especially since Lee was a stay-at-home mom. She had been out of the workplace for quite a few years and would not be able to earn much even if she were to get a job right away.

I suggested to Kevin that he speak with his boss at work and explain his situation. As it turns out, the auto dealership was one of several owned by the same man, so Kevin was able to move laterally to a similar position at another dealership. But many of the people I counsel do not have such an easy time making a job change. They must take vacation time to look for other work and sometimes remain unemployed for months before a suitable new job becomes available.

Most unfaithful spouses don’t think they need to quit a job or move to a new location. They feel they have themselves under control and this extraordinary precaution is unnecessary. Sometimes they insist on a trial period where their commitment can be tested. But a trial period is just an opportunity for the affair to reignite.

Changing jobs or moving to a new location is usually a difficult and costly choice. Yet it can be done, and without this extraordinary measure, the risk of an affair spinning out of control is very great. Easy access to a former lover must be avoided at all costs.

Of course, if Amy had decided to quit her job voluntarily, then Kevin would not have had to change jobs. I’ve seen many cases in which, after an affair is exposed, the lover is the one who moves away, and then it is not necessary for the spouse to change jobs or relocate.

Sometimes a couple will decide to relocate even if the lover has left the area. After the agony of an affair, it’s often very helpful to move to new surroundings and start over. Otherwise, everything they see and do keeps reminding them of the affair.

6. Avoid Overnight Separation

Since infidelity is highly associated with careers that separate a husband and wife overnight, I advise couples to choose careers that keep them together. In Kevin and Lee’s case, there were instances when Kevin was asked by his employer to attend a conference or auto show that was out of town. Kevin and Lee agreed to attend these events together.

But what if he had been an interstate truck driver, away from home a week at a time? Would Lee have had to travel with him cross-country?

It’s been done! Some betrayed spouses I’ve counseled have made the decision to ride with their spouse to avoid affairs as an extraordinary precaution. In fact one enjoyed the experience so much that when her husband died unexpectedly, she tried to marry another trucker so that she could continue the lifestyle she had come to enjoy. But in cases where a betrayed spouse is not willing or able to travel, I recommend that the unfaithful spouse change careers so that they can be together every night.

Being together at night is not only an important way to hold an unfaithful spouse accountable, but it also eliminates one of the reasons that affairs are tempting. When spouses are not together physically, they are unable to meet some of each other’s most important emotional needs. Even one night away from each other can be enough to create a tempting situation.

7. Allow Technical Accountability

While it may sound paranoid to those who have never experienced an affair, I’m an advocate of using modern technology to help account for a spouse’s whereabouts and what they do on their computer. Global Positioning Systems (GPS) have been used to help discover an affair (which I strongly encourage), and it can be used after an affair is over to help spouses keep track of each other. In addition, key logger programs allow a spouse to see every keystroke and every internet site that has been visited.

These forms of technology help both the betrayed and the unfaithful spouse. They help a betrayed spouse regain trust by being able to test the truthfulness of the unfaithful spouse’s reports. The unfaithful spouse is helped by being given additional motivation to resist a relapse, knowing that his or her activities are being recorded.

It took awhile for Kevin to get used to having his life read like an open book. And Lee was not accustomed to checking up on him. But over time, as they learned how to become transparent to each other, they came to regard this extraordinary precaution as valuable. Instead of viewing it as an invasion of privacy, they saw it as a natural way to learn more about each other.

8. Expose the Affair

As with addictions, an important part of relapse prevention is to let others know about your weaknesses and gain support for the intended life path. I recommend including family members, clergy, and/or friends in on the fact that there was an affair. This is often a hard sell to many unfaithful spouses, as most want to hide their mistakes. But having many eyes on your behavior is a terrific deterrent. We would all be much more caring and much less selfish if everything we did was known publicly. In addition, it helps the betrayed spouse share accountability with others.

As I will explain later in more detail, exposure of an affair is not only an important extraordinary precaution to avoid another affair, but it’s also one of the quickest ways to end an ongoing affair. A betrayed spouse is often tempted to keep the knowledge of the affair secret, in the hope that the unfaithful spouse will appreciate the enabling gesture. But as most people who help addicts know, keeping their addiction a secret only makes matters worse.

Exposure of an ongoing affair usually makes the unfaithful spouse very upset. Threats of ending the marriage are common. But we’ve found that when exposure doesn’t end the affair, nothing else would have ended it either. In almost all cases, the light of day that exposure creates ends the illusion and helps lift the fog in the mind of the unfaithful spouse.

By letting his boss, children, friends, and relatives know about his affair, Kevin was able to explain honestly why he had to change his job location and take some of the other precautions. His honesty and openness helped him gain support for these changes.

Are Extraordinary Precautions Necessary When There Is Less Emotional Attachment?

The deep emotional attachment of soul-mate affairs makes them so difficult to end that these eight extraordinary precautions usually seem reasonable, especially to a betrayed spouse. When these measures are taken, a relapse is very unusual.

But what about affairs with less emotional attachment? And what about one-night stands? Is it really necessary to follow these guidelines in these situations?

I recommend these extraordinary precautions for all types of affairs, even one-night stands, for two reasons. First, any contact an unfaithful spouse has with a former lover is an offense to a betrayed spouse. Once a sexual relationship has occurred, or even threatens to occur, further contact should be eliminated out of consideration to the spouse.

My second reason is that it’s difficult to judge the degree of attachment between the lovers in affairs, so precautions must be taken just in case the attachment is greater than the unfaithful spouse admits. They will often argue that they have no emotional feelings toward the lover as a ploy to try to continue the relationship. If there really is no attachment, then the extraordinary precautions I recommend will simply be easier to implement. But if there is resistance, it may reflect a significant attachment.

I believe that the extraordinary precautions I recommend do more than help couples end marriage-threatening affairs—they also help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted. And that’s the best reason to use my extraordinary precautions for separating an unfaithful spouse from a lover—they not only help separate them, but they also help create a strong marriage. These conditions are not a punishment for unfaithfulness; they are crucial building blocks that form the foundation for a strong marital recovery.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

___ The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

___ The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover again.

___ The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

___ The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover:

___ Block potential communication with the lover (change email address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all internet social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

___ Account for time (betrayed spouse and unfaithful spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and phone numbers).

___ Account for money (betrayed spouse and unfaithful spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

___ Spend leisure time together.

___ Change jobs and relocate, if necessary.

___ Avoid overnight separation.

___ Allow technical accountability.

___ Expose the affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.