6
What to Do if the Unfaithful Spouse Continues to Contact the Lover

Sue had made a genuine effort to avoid seeing Greg—for about a week. But then she broke down and contacted him and secretly reestablished her relationship with him. As part of her deception, she tried to make Jon think she was avoiding contact.

But it soon became apparent to Sue that she couldn’t live with Jon and still see Greg as often as she wanted. So she moved out with the excuse that she needed time to think. Away from Jon and on her own, she was free to be with Greg without any interference or explanation.

Most affairs do not end with a willingness to end all contact with the lover. They continue on after they are first discovered.

You may think that after a spouse willfully chooses a lover and abandons the family, as Sue did, there would be no hope for marital reconciliation, but that’s not true. While there is no hope for reconciliation when the affair is underway, as soon as the affair is ended reconciliation is definitely possible. And almost all affairs end sooner than most people think they will.

But for the betrayed spouse, the wait for the affair to end seems like an eternity. The unfaithful spouse can’t seem to make up his or her mind—one moment committing to the marriage and the next moment committing to the lover. To help a betrayed spouse survive that painful period of vacillation when the unfaithful spouse is continuing to contact the lover, I recommend a two-plan strategy.

The first (plan A) is designed to help the unfaithful spouse end the affair the right way—break off contact completely. If it is unsuccessful, the second plan (plan B) helps keep the marriage together until all contact with the lover has ended. This sequence, plan A followed by plan B, represents the most sensible approach to handling an unfaithful spouse’s inability to decide between the lover and the betrayed spouse.

Plan A: Expose the Affair and Express a Sincere Willingness to Resolve Marital Problems

One of the quickest ways to end an affair is to expose it to the light of day. Reality has a way of bursting the bubble of illusion, and an affair is one of the biggest illusions that anyone can experience in life. It’s based almost entirely on emotions with almost no logic to support it.

That fact becomes clear when children, employers, clergy, family, and friends all hear about the affair. Because they are not in the fog, they see the affair for what it really is: the cruelest, most devastating, and selfish act anyone can ever inflict on a spouse. With so many people seeing the situation logically and not emotionally, the unfaithful spouse has an opportunity to be advised and influenced by these people. Furthermore, the betrayed spouse gains support when he or she needs it the most.

I also encourage the betrayed spouse to expose the affair to the other person’s spouse and sometimes their entire family. It should not be done in a spirit of anger or revenge, but rather with compassion toward those who find themselves similarly threatened by the affair.

As you can well imagine, the betrayed spouse is usually very reluctant to expose the affair when it’s first discovered. He or she is often afraid that it will end the marriage. In fact, unfaithful spouses will often threaten to divorce if anyone is told about the affair.

But my experience with the thousands of couples who do expose the affair has proven to me that the risk is well worth taking. Scores of unfaithful spouses have testified to me that without exposure, their affair would have persisted indefinitely, significantly raising the risk of divorce. Exposure makes divorce less likely, not more likely.

Are There Exceptions to Immediately Exposing an Affair?

It’s been my experience that the advantages of immediate exposure usually far outweigh the disadvantages. But there are a few situations where I would not suggest immediately exposing an affair.

PHYSICAL VIOLENCE

In every instance of physical violence in marriage, I have recommended separation along with a restraining order to prevent any contact between spouses. No one who has followed my advice under my direct supervision has ever experienced injury in my thirty-five years of counseling tens of thousands of couples. And I have counseled some very violent spouses.

If a wife tells me that her husband has a history of physical violence toward her, and she’s discovered his affair, I suggest that she make immediate plans for a complete separation. Generally, I refer her to a shelter for abused women. After the separation is complete and she is safe, I then recommend exposure of the affair. Plan A is ruled out, and plan B, which I’ll describe in the next section, is followed (no contact between spouses). Contact is restored only after the violent spouse has enrolled in an anger management program, has no contact with the lover, and is willing to begin a program of marital reconciliation.

UNCERTAINTY REGARDING THE AFFAIR

Many of the cases I’ve witnessed involve suspected affairs with no firm proof. In those situations, I do not recommend exposure. Instead, I suggest gathering evidence that would convince a jury that an affair has taken place. In some cases I suggest hiring an investigator to gather that evidence. Once there is certainty regarding the affair, I then recommend immediate exposure.

Affairs are not usually difficult to prove. That’s because an affair is an addiction, and addicts are notoriously sloppy in covering their tracks. They also become progressively more sloppy as the affair develops. They try to hide it, and are reasonably successful early in a relationship. But eventually they leave text messages, email, and telephone records in plain sight for anyone to observe. If a suspecting spouse is patient, it doesn’t take too long or require too much effort to prove that an affair is taking place.

On the other hand, a diligent hunt for evidence may prove that the spouse hasn’t been unfaithful after all. One of the best ways to learn to trust a spouse is to investigate and then find that the spouse has been trustworthy.

Those who guard their privacy in marriage, claiming that a spouse has no right to passwords, internet viewing history, email records, cell phone records, credit card accounts, and other sources of evidence, are more likely to have affairs. Privacy between spouses should never be tolerated for a host of reasons. But one of the most important reasons is that privacy, and the secret second life that it helps create, breeds infidelity. Transparency, on the other hand, is one of the most important safeguards of marriage.

ECONOMIC CONSIDERATIONS

Divorce, and even separation, can have dire economic consequences for a betrayed spouse. Many wives of unfaithful husbands that I’ve counseled are economically dependent on his income. If she exposes the affair, she fears that he will leave her, creating financial hardship. So in those cases, I generally encourage her to plan for that possibility before exposing the affair.

Women’s shelters usually offer both legal and financial advice for women who find themselves dependent on irresponsible men. Temporary aid from government, religious, and other charitable agencies can provide a safety net for these women. While exposure usually causes the affair to end, these betrayed women can expose their spouse’s affair with less fear when they know that separation will not leave them destitute.

When there is an affair in the workplace, my general advice is that the unfaithful spouse must quit their job and find another to avoid ever seeing or talking to the lover again. But while the affair is taking place and the unfaithful spouse is unwilling to resign, should a betrayed spouse expose the affair to the employer?

While I unhesitatingly recommend exposing the affair to friends, family, clergy, children, and the lover’s spouse, I’m not so quick to suggest exposing it to an employer. That’s because such exposure could have unintended legal and economic consequences. For example, the affair might constitute grounds for a sexual harassment claim by the unfaithful spouse’s lover. Or it might trigger an outright firing of the spouse, making it far more difficult for them to find another job. So in these cases I usually advise the betrayed spouse to warn the unfaithful spouse that he or she will expose the affair to the employer in a month if the unfaithful spouse is still working there, giving him or her time to make a graceful exit from that job to another. Even if a new job cannot be found in a month, I recommend waiting no longer to inform the employer, unless the unfaithful spouse has already resigned.

OTHER ISSUES

Many betrayed spouses are afraid that exposure will drive the unfaithful spouse further away. While it’s true that unfaithful spouses usually feel betrayed and angry when their affair is exposed, I regard that reaction as being part of the fog that most addicts experience. When the fog has finally lifted, and the source of addiction no longer has control, the value of exposure is usually conceded by the addict.

As is the case in all instances of addiction, it’s tempting for a caregiver to enable the addict to continue their addiction by failing to expose their self-defeating behavior. And yet most therapists who treat addicts agree that the fastest way to help an addict recover is to expose their addiction. And, without a doubt, an affair is an addiction. You do the addict no favors by helping him or her keep it a secret. You become a partner in a deception that prolongs your agony and the agony of the addict.

Some feel that an affair should not be exposed to children. Granted, I would not tell a three-year-old about an affair, simply because a child that young cannot possibly understand what it means. But I would not hesitate to reveal an affair to a child age seven or older. Exposure to children between those ages should be a matter of discretion.

What about exposure of an affair that took place years earlier and is now ended but recently revealed? I feel that children, close relatives, close friends, and the lover’s spouse should be informed. Granted, it’s embarrassing to admit an affair, but publicly admitting failure is usually the first step toward redemption.

As you probably already know, I’m a strong advocate of honesty and openness in marriage. But should that level of openness carry into the public arena? I believe that it should in cases of extreme irresponsibility, and that certainly includes infidelity. When you have done something very hurtful to someone else, others should know about it. Such exposure helps prevent a recurrence of the offense. Your closest friends and relatives will be keeping an eye on you, holding you accountable.

If exposure of an affair threatens the marriage, should the risk be taken? I regard infidelity as a violation of the most basic condition of marriage. In most wedding vows, “forsaking all others” is usually the only definitive promise that’s made. When you marry, the overriding condition that is mutually accepted is that you won’t have an affair. When that condition is broken, the marriage is threatened at its very core. That’s why I believe spouses who have recovered after an affair should make new vows to each other, in effect reestablishing their marriage.

So when a betrayed spouse asks for my advice, I usually take the position that infidelity is the greatest betrayal of all. After an affair, trust, which is an essential ingredient in marriage, is dashed. If the unfaithful spouse is offended by being exposed, so be it. Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery.

In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate marital recovery.

But There’s More to Plan A than Exposure

Plan A involves much more than just exposing the affair: it also sends a clear message that the betrayed spouse will help to resolve marital problems that may have contributed to the affair. When the betrayed spouse makes a commitment to follow the plan of recovery that I recommend after the affair is over, the complaints of the unfaithful spouse are taken seriously.

In most cases, when an unfaithful spouse’s affair is discovered, they see their choice as either living in a loveless, unfulfilling marriage or enjoying a love-filled relationship that the affair provides. The commitment of the betrayed spouse to help create a love-filled marriage provides hope for a third alternative—a fulfilling marriage.

As mentioned previously, while there are no excuses for an affair, there are usually reasons that create the vulnerability. And one of the most common reasons is that important emotional needs are not being met in the marriage. Plan A addresses that issue, which makes it easier for the unfaithful spouse to end the affair.

Exposure is difficult enough for the betrayed spouse. But making a sincere commitment to help resolve marital conflicts after the affair is over can be even more difficult. A betrayed spouse isn’t even sure that he or she wants the marriage to continue after an affair. Anger and disrespect toward the unfaithful spouse are very common. Yet, if plan A is to be followed, they must be completely eliminated.

If a betrayed spouse has difficulty editing out disrespectful and angry comments when conversing with their unfaithful spouse, I will often suggest communicating through email and phone calls. In an email, a betrayed spouse is able to choose words carefully and a phone call allows both spouses to end the call if it becomes abusive.

In many cases, an unfaithful spouse makes no effort to encourage the betrayed spouse. They act in ways that demonstrate blatant disregard for the betrayed spouse’s feelings. Plan A is an attempt to help an unfaithful spouse end an affair, but if the affair persists, how long can a betrayed spouse endure the suffering that it causes? With that suffering in mind, I suggest a time limit for plan A. Quite frankly, there’s a limit to everyone’s patience.

For most women I recommend about a three-week limit for plan A, because my experience has taught me that the health of wives tends to deteriorate quickly and significantly when living with an unfaithful husband. For most men, on the other hand, I recommend a much longer effort: at least six months. I’ve found that husbands tend to be able to weather the storm with fewer emotional and physical effects. But once plan A ends, plan B should immediately take its place.

Plan B: Avoid All Contact with the Unfaithful Spouse until the Affair Has Ended

The primary objective of plan B is to protect the betrayed spouse from the severe physical and emotional effects of the unfaithful spouse’s affair. By avoiding all contact, the stress of the affair is reduced considerably, and the betrayed spouse is able to feel much better and think more clearly. If contact continues, the stress can lead to physical and emotional problems that persist long after the affair is over and the marriage is restored.

But there are two other important reasons for plan B. One is to preserve the betrayed spouse’s love for the unfaithful spouse, and the other is to give the unfaithful spouse a taste of what it’s like to live without the betrayed spouse.

An affair can take quite a toll on a betrayed spouse’s Love Bank. It’s the most painful experience a spouse can ever endure, and it can cause major Love Bank withdrawals. Ordinarily, I encourage couples to spend as much time together as possible, because that gives them opportunity to meet each other’s emotional needs. But while one spouse is having an affair, all bets are off. Emotional needs cannot be met effectively and thoughtlessness runs rampant. Love Bank withdrawals far outweigh deposits. So by avoiding all contact with the unfaithful spouse, a betrayed spouse is able to preserve the deposits that remain in his or her Love Bank.

Avoiding all contact also lets both spouses know how they will be affected by divorce. For the betrayed spouse, it’s an opportunity to look to the future without the burden of the unfaithful spouse. With the suffering that he or she caused by the affair, avoiding contact can be a great relief that opens opportunities for a new and attractive way of life.

But with plan A just passed, with the betrayed spouse having presented an attractive proposal to meet the unfaithful spouse’s emotional needs and avoid being a source of unhappiness when they reconcile, the unfaithful spouse has an opportunity to reflect on what he or she will be missing with a divorce.

In most affairs, the betrayed spouse meets some of the unfaithful spouse’s emotional needs and the lover meets other needs. When Sue and Jon were living together, and she was having the affair with Greg, she had the best of both worlds. With Greg she had intimate conversation, affection, and recreational companionship, and with Jon she had his financial support and family commitment. Her affair was an uncomfortable juggling act for Sue, but her needs were being met. If Jon had not asked so many questions and made it so difficult for Sue to sneak off to be with Greg, she would have let this go on indefinitely. But she was the one who finally decided to separate so that she could have easier access to Greg. Jon and Sue didn’t know it at the time, but her separation actually helped her affair die a natural death.

Of course, plan B does tend to throw the unfaithful spouse into the waiting arms of the lover. So doesn’t that give the affair the chance it needs to succeed?

Most affairs are based on fantasy and wishful thinking. In reality, the lover is not an improvement over the betrayed spouse, and giving an affair a chance can actually prove that it won’t succeed. Love units were deposited into Greg’s account in Sue’s Love Bank because they were not together as husband and wife, battling through the tough problems of daily living. They were together only when Sue was escaping the hard realities of her otherwise unfulfilling life. By letting Greg become involved in all aspects of her life, his ability to handle her problems was put to the test. And, like most lovers when tested, Greg failed. Sue found herself feeling unfulfilled with him, too.

Keep in mind that a strong support group is needed for the betrayed spouse during a time of separation. Pleasant surroundings are also important. A betrayed spouse should try to arrange things to be reasonably comfortable. So I highly recommend careful preparation for plan B. An attorney should be consulted to be sure that the separation does not jeopardize custody or financial settlement if a divorce becomes inevitable.

Since there is to be no contact with the unfaithful spouse, the betrayed spouse should move as far away as possible. An attorney can provide advice on the legal implications of a move for the state in which the couple reside.

Plan B usually requires an arrangement with their mutual friends to handle all necessary communication so that there is no need for the betrayed spouse to see or talk to the unfaithful spouse directly unless they happen to accidentally cross paths.

An example of a letter explaining the purpose of the separation and what would be required for reconciliation is as follows:

My Dearest __________,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.]

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ___________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on a schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through them.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be willing to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,
(signed)

This letter should be delivered by your friends to the unfaithful spouse, and a copy sent to the lover with a note at the bottom saying:

I love __________ with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make (him/her) happy. I will wait for that chance.

How Long Should You Wait?

How long should a betrayed spouse be separated under plan B before filing for divorce? It’s been my experience that a separation lasting two years rarely leads to marital recovery. In some cases, once the affair has died a natural death, the unfaithful spouse finds another lover rather than reconciling. So just as plan A should have a time limit, I also recommend one for plan B. Two years is usually what I recommend.

One of the objectives of plan B is to help the unfaithful spouse see what they’re missing. In Sue’s case, when she moved to her own apartment, she missed being with her children and ran out of money to support herself. But her counselor and attorney helped her solve those problems. They advised her to file for a legal separation, return home, and kick Jon out. Shortly after returning home she obtained a court order for Jon to pay her three thousand dollars a month in child support. He was forced by law to meet her need for financial support that was not being met by Greg.

But money was not the only thing that Jon had provided Sue—he had also provided care and security for her children. While he was at home with his daughters, the girls had hoped that their mother would eventually return to them and that their family would be reunited. But when Sue did return, she forced Jon to leave his girls, something they had not anticipated. They were both very angry toward Sue for forcing him to leave. They missed their dad terribly.

Sue now had money and the comfort of her home, but her children, whom she loved dearly, were devastated. They had liked Greg, but now they disliked him because their mom was trying to replace their dad with him. It was not a happy homecoming for Sue.

Sue’s affair ended just as most affairs end. In some cases, it’s the wayward spouse who realizes that the other person cannot offer enough to compensate for the loss of his or her marriage. In other cases, like Sue’s, it’s the other person who realizes that the wayward spouse is not worth the hassle. When Greg was seeing Sue in secret, their relationship was filled with excitement and anticipation. But when it was out into the open, the problems of real life, and their inability to solve them, torpedoed the fun they had together.

Sue was depressed most of the time and there was nothing Greg could do to lift her spirits. Her girls became outwardly hostile toward him and he found his relationship with Sue increasingly difficult. No love units were being deposited into her account in his Love Bank and many were being withdrawn. Eventually there were none left. So he began a relationship with another woman who did not have children and ended his relationship with Sue. If he had not ended it, I’m sure that Sue would have eventually ended it herself.

Even so, Sue was devastated when Greg left her. She had given up almost everything to have Greg with her and now he was gone. She was left with her house, her children, and Jon’s financial support. But now there was no one to meet her other emotional needs—no one, that is, but Jon.

How to Pick Up the Pieces after an Affair Dies a Natural Death

By the time Sue’s affair had died a natural death and she had invited Jon to return to their home, they were both ready to begin their recovery. But when they came to me for counseling, they had both lost their love for each other.

After all that Sue had put Jon through, you’d think she would have been humbled and deeply remorseful. Sometimes an unfaithful spouse does ask for forgiveness for the incredible thoughtlessness of his or her affair, but Sue didn’t. In fact the way she talked to Jon about getting back together sounded as if he was the one who had had the affair. She made it seem as if he was lucky to have another chance to win her back.

A betrayed spouse usually expects their unfaithful spouse to express guilt and remorse over the pain inflicted by the thoughtlessness of the affair, and Jon was no exception. He felt that an apology was necessary before he would be willing to reconcile. But I was able to talk him out of this condition, because I knew that at the beginning of recovery, remorse is rarely expressed. I suggested that he avoid the subject of regret or even forgiveness. Instead, I wanted him to focus on what they both needed to do to meet each other’s emotional needs and become more thoughtful of each other’s feelings.

I’ve found that an apology is not always necessary for a full marital recovery to take place after an affair. Of course, if remorse is actually felt by a spouse, I encourage that spouse to express it. The unfaithful spouse should apologize for having betrayed a valuable trust and for having hurt in the worst way possible the very one he or she promised to love and cherish. But since I’ve witnessed thousands of marital recoveries when the unfaithful spouse has not offered an apology at first, I don’t require it.

If the feeling of remorse is not actually felt by a spouse, I don’t recommend a reluctant apology. I don’t see any sense in mouthing words that don’t reflect true feelings. Insincere words won’t help marital recovery. It’s the new lifestyle that the couple creates that will save their marriage.

Instead of focusing their attention on the mistakes of the past, I encourage couples to focus on the present and future. They should not dwell on the affair but focus on rebuilding their marriage. Every time the affair is mentioned, love units are withdrawn from both Love Banks. So the less time spent talking about the affair, the better. If the couple is already painfully aware of the details of the tragedy, there’s no value in being reminded of what they already know.

This is not to say that the betrayed spouse shouldn’t ask questions about the affair if unanswered questions remain. Radical honesty is the new lifestyle rule of a couple in recovery. So for this situation, I recommend that the betrayed spouse make a list of questions, schedule a specific day to ask them, and receive honest answers. But once the questions are answered honestly, the affair should not be mentioned again.

The goal of marital recovery is to make enough Love Bank deposits and avoid enough withdrawals for the Love Banks of both spouses to overflow. The reconciled couple must learn how to build a new lifestyle that achieves that objective, and my plan for marital recovery helps couples learn how to create that lifestyle.

Checklist for What to Do If the Unfaithful Spouse Continues to Contact the Lover

Plan A: Expose the affair and express a sincere willingness to resolve marital problems

___ Expose the affair to your children, employers, clergy, family, friends, and the lover’s spouse, family, and/or friends (with exceptions as discussed regarding threat of physical violence, financial considerations, uncertainty regarding the affair, and age of children).

___ Express commitment to the unfaithful spouse to meet emotional needs, avoid being a source of unhappiness, and resolve marital conflicts that may have contributed to the affair.

___ Avoid disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts.

___ Set a time limit.

Plan B: Avoid all contact with the unfaithful spouse until the affair has ended

___ Plan the separation carefully, making sure that you will be as comfortable as possible. Seek legal advice if you have children.

___ Create an encouraging support group who will assist you.

___ Write a letter to the unfaithful spouse explaining why all contact must end and what can be done to restore it.

___ Send a copy of that letter to the lover adding an explanation that you love your spouse and want the marriage to succeed.

___ Take extraordinary measures to avoid contact with the unfaithful spouse until the affair has ended and a willingness to follow a plan of reconciliation is communicated.

___ Set a time limit.