13
Make Deposits, Part III
Protect Your Love Bank from Outside Threats
The feeling of romantic love is extremely important in marriage. It not only provides the passion that you expect from each other, but it also helps make you eager to meet each other’s emotional needs. Everything I’ve been advising you to do in your marriage is much easier when you’re in love. The feeling of love makes these actions seem almost instinctive.
But if you were to fall in love with someone else, all of those instincts that should be directed toward your spouse become directed to that someone else. The logical bond between two who have committed themselves to care for each other and their children throughout life is replaced by an irrational bond with someone who cannot possibly provide long-term happiness and security. Romantic love in marriage supports the sensible goal of raising a family with security; romantic love outside of marriage supports the absurd goal of ruining everything a family values.
I call the reasoning power of those having an affair “the fog.” They seem incapable of understanding the seriousness of their mistake and the suffering they are causing themselves and others. Romantic love can do that to you. In marriage, romantic love aids our intelligence and helps us achieve some of our most valuable objectives. Outside of marriage, it turns us into fools.
With the risk of falling in love with someone other than your spouse in mind, it’s imperative that you guard your Love Bank from outside intruders. The feeling of love is triggered when someone of the opposite sex has deposited enough love units in your Love Bank to breach the romantic love threshold. How can someone do that? you may ask. By now you should know the answer. All that’s required is that the person meet one of your most important emotional needs. If you give someone other than your spouse the opportunity to make you particularly happy and fulfilled, you’ll find yourself in the fog. Everything in you will encourage you to spend more time with this person who makes you feel so good, even if it’s a threat to your spouse, your children, your values, your livelihood, your health, and everything else important to you.
That’s why I leave you with one more policy—an insurance policy—to protect your Love Banks from outside threats.
At the time of your wedding, you probably vowed to be faithful to each other—to have an exclusive sexual relationship. You are now fully aware of the suffering that breaking that vow can cause. But most affairs do not begin with sex. They begin when other important emotional needs are met that trigger romantic love—and that leads to sex. My point is that anything someone does that can trigger your feeling of love for them is a danger to your marriage.
So to avoid finding yourself in love with someone else, it’s important to guard your Love Bank. This also includes being cautious about how you affect Love Banks outside of your marriage.
Precautions to Protect Your Love Bank from Outside Threats
When it comes to meeting certain emotional needs exclusively, I’m not suggesting that you live as hermits, keeping yourselves away from all outside contact with those of the opposite sex. But as with your agreement to meet each other’s sexual need exclusively, you should treat the meeting of other highly charged emotional needs in the same way. You should simply make it difficult for those of the opposite sex to make large deposits into your Love Banks and for you to make large deposits into theirs.
To help you set your boundaries, these are the seven precautions I highly recommend that will help you guard your Love Bank.
1. Affection is the symbolic expression of care and is a powerful emotional need, especially for women. When a man communicates his concern for the problems she faces and his willingness to be there for her when she needs him, she can fall in love with him. Hugs, cards, gifts, and other gestures of kindness that are not intended to trigger romantic feelings can innocently do just that when offered. So I caution husbands to express their greatest affection to their wives and limit it to other women.
Even if a wife expresses comfort in the way her husband shows care for other women, I still recommend caution. But if a wife is uncomfortable with her husband’s affection toward other women and he continues to do it, he’s violating the Policy of Joint Agreement. He is ignoring her feelings so that he can do what he pleases. When a wife complains to her husband that his affectionate nature can send the wrong message, she’s right. And if he ignores that complaint, he not only offends her but also creates the conditions for an affair.
A spouse should not only avoid being affectionate with those of the opposite sex, but should also resist receiving affection from others. When someone of the opposite sex communicates his or her willingness to come to the rescue when needed, red flags should be waving. Granted, when a wife’s marriage is in trouble, expressions of care can be very uplifting. It’s good to know someone cares when your spouse doesn’t seem to show much interest. But at this time of vulnerability, she should get help from another woman or a professional marriage counselor who can provide a solution to her marital problems.
2. Almost all couples begin their marriage with a vow to be sexually faithful. They understand the risks of infidelity. But they don’t necessarily understand how exclusive their sex should be. So I’ve given couples I’ve counseled a rule to follow that maximizes the sexual pleasure they provide each other and minimizes the risk of an affair: Engage in every sexual act or experience with your spouse and only with your spouse.
This rule that limits all forms of sex to marriage is based on what psychologists call the contrast effect: when comparing two experiences, the most enjoyable will make the other seem boring. So when a spouse tells me that sex has become boring, I suspect competing forms of sex. Pornography, strip clubs, masturbation, and other forms of nonmarital sex are often the culprit. If you want marital sex to be the most enjoyable, it should not compete with other sexual experiences.
But sexual exclusivity requires sexual cooperation. If you are each other’s exclusive sex partners, you should provide the quality and quantity of sex that leaves neither of you frustrated. Granted, if you are not in love and have a lower need for sexual fulfillment, this may be a particularly difficult assignment. As with all emotional needs, however, if you engage in lovemaking in as mutually enjoyable a way as possible, Love Bank deposits will be made. Eventually, when you have restored your love for each other, it will become almost instinctive.
3. Intimate conversation is the communication of personal topics such as your hopes and dreams, the struggles you have in life, your victories and defeats—whatever it is that expresses your deepest thoughts and feelings. Such conversation is very important to almost everyone, but especially to women. When they exchange intimate details of their lives with someone of the opposite sex, massive Love Bank deposits are made. That’s why it’s an essential ingredient in marriage.
But what if the husband refuses to talk? Where does she go to relieve her craving for intimate conversation? When a male friend asks the innocent question, How are you feeling?, it’s so easy to answer the question honestly. And that intimate conversation would be so fulfilling that she’d be likely to fall in love with the man who is truly interested in knowing the answer.
Most affairs begin with intimate conversation. It usually begins without any romantic intentions, but the Love Bank doesn’t consider intent—it only considers a person’s account balance. Once it reaches the romantic love threshold, it triggers romantic love for the wrong person. And that’s a tragic outcome for a marriage.
It’s hard to convince spouses who have never experienced an affair to avoid intimate conversation with those of the opposite sex. They don’t see the risk. But those who have been through an affair, like you, should know that it’s too dangerous to ignore.
This precaution is especially true for topics about marital problems. When the question how are you feeling is answered with a flood of tears and an expression of deep disappointment in marriage, the other person is highly motivated to come to the rescue: I’ll be there to help when your husband neglects you or treats you badly. That’s how Greg managed to become such an essential part of Sue’s life—he rescued her.
Social networks over the internet are becoming increasingly popular, and are also becoming one of the most common breeding grounds for infidelity. It makes sense, because through these networks people exchange intimate details about themselves and receive support from each other for the problems they face. It’s no wonder that so many men and women fall in love with a friend that they know only through a social network. So it isn’t only face-to-face conversations that should be guarded. All correspondence that reveals your personal problems to someone of the opposite sex should be avoided.
4. Spend most of your recreational time either alone or with your spouse, so that when you are having a good time, your spouse is right there enjoying it with you. Avoid recreational activities with someone of the opposite sex who could build Love Bank balances by simply being with you when you’re having fun.
I have found that exercising together can be one of the fastest ways to build Love Bank balances in marriage. There are a host of physiological reasons why so many love units are deposited during a workout. So for that same reason, you should avoid exercising with someone else of the opposite sex. The gym is a very common place for affairs to begin.
5. If someone of the opposite sex ever tells you that he or she finds you attractive, thank that person for the compliment but don’t return it. Also, tell your spouse about the compliment. In general, avoid telling anyone of the opposite sex, other than your spouse, that you feel he or she is attractive. If your feelings of attraction are ever revealed, avoid seeing or talking to that person.
6. Avoid contact with all past lovers. High school and college reunions, weddings, and even funerals are notorious places for breaking this precaution. If one of these events must be attended, have your spouse by your side at all times. While occasional contact with an ex-spouse is often impossible to avoid, I recommend that your spouse deal primarily with the ex-spouse for parenting issues.
7. Even though you take all of the precautions I’ve recommended, and others besides, it’s possible for someone to make enough Love Bank deposits to breach your romantic love threshold. If you ever find yourself infatuated with someone other than your spouse, for whatever reasons, don’t walk away—run! Avoid that person at all costs.
If that ever happens to you, the first person to know about it should be your spouse. Then plan with your spouse how you will break off contact with that person. It’s often a friend or even a relative of your spouse that has the opportunity to make that many Love Bank deposits, and breaking off contact with that person is not easy to do. I can’t tell you how many “best friends” of a spouse have turned out to be the betrayer. But it makes sense that a friend or relative would be in the best position to make Love Bank deposits. Regardless of who it is, have nothing to do with him or her, even if it means quitting your job, leaving your church, or moving from your neighborhood. And, above all, don’t ever tell him or her how you feel.
These precautions may seem unreasonably constraining and strict to you. But they are the precautions that I’ve followed throughout my entire married life, and I don’t feel the least bit unhappy because they’ve helped me avoid an affair. That’s certainly worth every precaution I’ve taken. It’s like avoiding anything that creates a high risk—like smoking. Why raise the risk of lung or throat cancer? Whatever immediate pleasure a person might experience isn’t to be compared with the long, slow death that many smokers are forced to endure.
Those who have not followed these precautions until they’ve had an affair usually realize their value and wish that they had followed them sooner. But those who fail to see their value, and are unwilling to take these precautions, will continue to be at risk for future pain and loss.
These suggestions are only a minor inconvenience when compared to the disaster of infidelity. And they do more than prevent an affair—they also build a stronger emotional bond in the marriage. They’re well worth taking.
Checklist to Make Love Bank Deposits
Part I: Meet the Most Important Emotional Needs
1. Identify your most important emotional needs:
___ Read about the ten most important emotional needs in appendix A.
___ Make two enlarged copies of the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, in appendix B, one for you and one for your spouse.
___ Complete the questionnaire and rank your top five emotional needs according to their importance.
2. Become an expert at meeting your spouse’s most important emotional needs:
___ Agree to become an expert at meeting each other’s top five emotional needs.
___ List these needs on the Memorandum of Agreement (appendix D).
___ Discover how to meet each other’s emotional needs, regarding quantity and quality (“How often would you like that need met?” and “How would you like me to meet your need?”).
___ When giving feedback on quality and quantity, offer specific and positive suggestions (“I’d love it if you would do ___ .”) instead of only negative feedback.
___ Allow time for new behavior that meets emotional needs to first become comfortable and then become enjoyable.
___ Meet each other’s needs in ways that are mutually enjoyable. Never expect your spouse to suffer.
___ Continue to give feedback to your spouse regarding your most important emotional needs. Schedule a time for feedback regularly to review the five needs until you are both meeting them.
___ Read His Needs, Her Needs and use its accompanying workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love, if you need help learning how to become an expert in meeting your spouse’s important emotional needs.
Part II: Take Time for Undivided Attention
Follow the Policy of Undivided Attention:
1. Privacy:
___ Plan your time together to be without children, relatives, or friends.
___ Avoid other distractions so that you can give each other your undivided attention.
2. Objectives:
___ Create activities that will meet the emotional needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, and recreational companionship when you schedule your time together.
___ Choose recreational activities that are mutually enjoyable.
3. Amount:
___ Schedule at least fifteen hours for undivided attention each week. Choose a time each week to make that schedule.
___ Overcome financial obstacles that prevent giving each other undivided attention:
___ Join or start a babysitting co-op.
___ Rearrange your budget priorities.
___ Be creative and choose inexpensive recreational activities.
___ Try to schedule your dates for the same time every week.
Part III: Protect Your Love Bank from Outside Threats
Follow the Policy of Exclusivity:
___ Avoid meeting the most important emotional needs, and having those needs met, by someone of the opposite sex other than your spouse, with special emphasis on affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, recreational companionship, and admiration.
___ Avoid contact with past lovers. Parenting issues with your ex-spouse should be managed by your spouse.
___ If you ever find yourself infatuated with someone other than your spouse, for whatever reasons, don’t walk away—run! And tell your spouse.