14
Managing Resentment and Restoring Trust

Jon felt betrayed, deceived, abandoned, and very angry when he discovered Sue’s affair. After all, it was hatched with full knowledge of the pain it would inflict on him. It reflected a total disregard for Jon’s feelings, someone whom Sue had promised to cherish and protect for life.

At first, Jon could not imagine ever having a normal relationship with Sue again. The image of Sue in bed with Greg was not only sickening to him, but also infuriating.

When Sue left him, she told him that she needed time to “sort out” her feelings. Jon knew what that meant—whoever made her feel the best, he or Greg, would win the prize of having her as a wife. The resentment that Jon felt seemed unbearable.

But there was more. After going back and forth a few times, trying to “get in touch” with her feelings, Sue tossed Jon out of his own home, separating him from his own children. And then, when the affair finally ended and Sue was rejected by her lover, she asked Jon to return. It wasn’t Sue’s choice; it was her lover’s choice. Jon won by default.

Resentment doesn’t begin to describe Jon’s angry reaction to his entire ordeal.

But remarkably, the resentment that a betrayed spouse feels does not usually lead to divorce. In fact most betrayed spouses, like Jon, are willing to reconcile in spite of their resentment. However, when they try to rebuild their marriage, resentment and the fear of a new affair often threaten the ultimate success of the recovery.

Resentment is a normal reaction to someone who has made you suffer. It is the way your emotions warn you to avoid people who have hurt you in the past—they may hurt you again in the future! But resentment can also be an irrational reaction to something that is no longer a real threat. Resentment itself may become a greater obstacle to your happiness than what it is you resent.

Most couples I have counseled know how damaging their feelings of resentment are to their happiness and to the future of their marriage. But some seem unable to stop it—painful flashbacks seem to come out of nowhere. It’s an interesting subject for a psychologist who is supposed to know how to help people control their thoughts and emotions. But, I must admit, this is a tough reaction to control, especially when memories are so distressing.

When couples attempt to reconcile after an affair, they may try to forgive and forget. But while all may be forgiven, all is not forgotten. It is impossible to forget a spouse’s unfaithfulness, unless all memory goes along with it.

But one of the most remarkable discoveries of my career as a marriage counselor is that in spite of the memory of an affair, marriages can thrive.

Before infidelity actually happens, most couples think they could not continue in a marriage after an affair. The betrayal would be too painful. But what people think they will do with a wayward spouse isn’t what they usually do.

Surprisingly enough, most couples eventually try to reconcile. Even though the memory can’t be erased, they can survive the affair and create a thriving marriage. But what do they do with the resentment they feel as they try to reconcile?

The More Painful the Affair, the More Difficult Resentment Is to Overcome

Betrayed spouses almost always feel resentment. Both Jon and Lee were resentful about their spouse’s affair. But Kevin’s decisiveness in ending his affair early minimized Lee’s suffering, and so her resentment was easier to overcome. On the other hand, Sue’s vacillation between Greg and Jon, and then her eventual separation from Jon, greatly increased Jon’s suffering and his resentment.

One of the reasons that I encourage a betrayed spouse to follow plan B (to avoid seeing or talking to the unfaithful spouse) when an affair does not end quickly is to minimize resentment when he or she tries to reconcile. The more contact there is between spouses during an ongoing affair, the more resentment there will be to overcome.

An emotional reaction to a painful event fades over time, as long as that painful event is not repeated. But the more it is repeated, the more firmly fixed the memory becomes. In Jon’s case, the painful events of Sue’s affair were repeated again and again, and with each blow, his resentment was intensified.

I offered Jon and Sue a plan for reconciliation after the affair, but I knew the plan wouldn’t work if Jon wasn’t able to handle his feelings of resentment that were certain to accompany his reconciliation with Sue. If feelings of resentment are not dealt with correctly, they can ruin an otherwise stunning recovery.

Focusing on the Present and Future Can Help Diminish Resentment

As I’ve already said, it’s impossible to completely forget a spouse’s betrayal, but an effort can be made to avoid dwelling on that painful event. As we spend less and less time thinking about the betrayal, the memory of it will fade, along with the resentment we feel.

One of the reasons I do not encourage dwelling on the past as a part of marital recovery is that memories carry resentment along with them. If I’m not careful, a single counseling session can open up such a can of worms that the presenting problem gets lost in the flood of painful memories. If the goal of recovery is to “resolve” every past issue, that seems to me to be a good way to keep people coming to marriage counseling for the rest of their lives. I believe that resolving issues of the past is an insurmountable goal. We simply cannot learn to feel good about something that caused us great pain.

Instead, as I help people through marital recovery, the attention is focused on the present and the future, because we can do something about them. The past is impossible to change. Why waste our effort on things we have no control over when we can put that same effort into plans that will bring us a fulfilling future? Granted, it’s useful to learn lessons from the past, but once we’ve learned the lessons, we should move on.

I believe this focus on the present and future is the best way to deal with feelings of resentment. Let me illustrate this point with Jon’s experience.

When Jon expressed to me his resentment about the way Sue had treated him, I told him that we would put the issue of his resentment on hold as we focused on ways he and Sue could avoid making the same mistakes in the future. I asked him to trust my judgment and wait to see what happened to his resentment after his marriage had a chance to recover.

Only on rare occasions do I need to help a betrayed spouse overcome resentment after complete marital recovery. I’ve found that when marriages recover, using my concepts discussed in the previous chapters, resentment almost always fades away. And that’s what happened to Jon. By postponing discussions about resentment, we put off an issue that took care of itself.

When spouses learn to become each other’s greatest source of happiness (meet each other’s most important emotional needs) and avoid being each other’s source of unhappiness (overcome Love Busters), they greatly reduce the temptation of infidelity. And if they follow the extraordinary precautions I recommend, they make an affair essentially impossible, even if their marriage hits a temporary rough spot. In those cases resentment almost always fades away.

But if the narrow path for recovery that I’ve outlined in this book is not followed, romantic love will not be restored and the threat of another affair will persist. Then resentment, which is created by an unfulfilling marriage, will trigger resentment of the past affair.

While resentment almost always fades away when the plan I’ve recommended is followed, I’ve witnessed a few cases where resentment has persisted even after a full recovery. In those cases, I’ve looked for environmental triggers that keep a memory of the past alive. For example, one betrayed spouse I’d counseled whose marriage had fully recovered became resentful whenever she drove by an office building where her husband’s lover had worked. The solution to her problem, of course, was to avoid that address.

While this client’s problem was easily solved because there was only one environmental trigger, there are other spouses who find that a host of triggers keep reminding them of the affair. Their house, their car, their neighborhood, their grocery store, their church, their job, and even their friends trigger memories of the worst experience of their lives. In these cases, I’ve encouraged couples recovering from an affair to move to another city or state. While it’s a difficult decision to make for most couples, I’ve found that it can be very effective in eliminating resentment for those who can’t shake the recurring images of their spouse’s affair.

One couple I counseled did move to another city after the wife’s affair, and their recovery went very well. Thinking that they were now back on track and had nothing further to worry about, they moved back to their hometown. The wife’s lover had left, and there was little risk for the affair rekindling. But as soon as they returned home, the husband’s resentment returned along with their move. Environmental triggers kept his memories of the affair alive. In their case, a permanent move away from where the affair took place was the only way to eliminate those triggers.

Avoid Using Resentment to Justify Love Busters

Resentment and Love Busters usually work together. Love Busters, particularly selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts, are ways we may be tempted to react once we feel resentful. In other words, resentment is a feeling that can make Love Busters seem justified.

There are many who react to their feeling of resentment by inflicting punishment on their spouse. They express their “feelings” as demands, disrespect, and anger. But it is abuse, pure and simple, disguised as the expression of honest feelings. No spouse has the right to punish the other spouse, and when resentment is felt, an abusive response must be avoided at all costs.

Some react to resentment by making demands on their spouse. Sadly, the tactic often works. The spouse will give in to the demand because he or she feels guilty about having had the affair. It’s a Love Buster because it makes the spouse who must meet the demand very unhappy.

I received an email from a woman who had an affair ten years earlier. She said that whenever she and her husband had an argument or she was reluctant to have sex, he would bring up the fact that she had an affair. Being reminded of her affair would throw her off balance emotionally and make her feel guilty. To avoid his anger, and soothe her guilty feelings, she usually gave in to his demands.

I advised the woman to look her husband right in the eye and say to him, Do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, you should know that I will not give you what you want when you try to make me feel guilty. If you want to make love to me more often, let’s negotiate. But what I did is in the past. Please do not bring it up again. I will not let you treat me this way because it will ruin my love for you.

My advice to her husband was to avoid mentioning the affair again. When you keep bringing up your spouse’s past mistakes, not only do you make your conversation incredibly unpleasant, but it cannot possibly lead to a resolution of a conflict that you may be discussing.

Sometimes when a person can’t seem to let go of an unpleasant thought, it’s because that thought is somehow helpful to him or her. Even though the thought is unpleasant, it gets the person something they want. The email writer’s husband is a good example of this technique. The thought of his wife’s affair was unpleasant but it was useful—bringing it up got him what he wanted. If the wife makes sure her husband never gets what he wants when he brings up the affair, he is more likely to let go of his resentment because it is no longer useful to him.

Jon was very tempted to use Love Busters in response to his feelings of resentment. But he understood how important it was for him to restore Sue’s feelings of love for him and he knew that Love Busters would make her hate him, not love him. So he resisted selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts, even when his feelings of resentment seemed overwhelming to him.

Restoring Trust

Without a doubt, an affair is the ultimate betrayal. An unfaithful spouse is fully aware of the suffering that the affair will inflict on their spouse, but feels justified in causing it to happen. It reflects a total disregard for their spouse’s feelings, someone whom he or she had promised to cherish and protect for life.

And then there are the lies. Looking right at you and denying it all, getting angry that you would even think such a thing, and expressing shock that you would invade his or her privacy.

How can you ever trust someone who did all of that to you?

But the truth is, you may have more reason to trust your spouse after the affair than before it happened. How could I possibly come to that conclusion? It’s all about understanding how trust is created and destroyed. Trust is the belief that your spouse won’t do anything to hurt you and will be honest with you. It assumes a level of care that forms a protective envelope around you.

I’ve introduced to you two policies that encapsulate the concept of trust. The first is the Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. If your spouse’s behavior reflects consideration of your interests and feelings, you have good reason to trust him or her to avoid doing anything to hurt you.

The second is the Policy of Radical Honesty: Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know—your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future. This policy adds an important element to the protection that the Policy of Joint Agreement provides. It guarantees transparency so that nothing that your spouse does is ever hidden from you. By following this policy, your spouse gives you good reason to trust that what he or she tells you is the truth.

Before Sue’s affair, Jon had trusted her to be honest with him and to avoid doing anything that would hurt him. More to the point, he had trusted Sue to avoid having an affair. But she had proven to be thoughtless.

Sue also had proven to be dishonest. She had looked right into Jon’s eyes and lied to him. Then, faced with undeniable evidence, she had grudgingly and defensively admitted to one lie after another, but it was rarely accompanied by an apology. Considering her obvious failure to be honest and protect Jon’s feelings, could he ever trust her again?

Before the affair, it’s likely that your spouse was not following these two policies. You may have noticed incidents of independent behavior where your spouse did what he or she pleased knowing full well that you would not be happy with it. You may have also witnessed your spouse hiding the truth, or even giving you false information occasionally. Whatever the excuse would have been for violations of these two policies, you would have had little reason to trust your spouse at that time.

Just like Sue, your spouse has now proven to be incredibly thoughtless. He or she did nothing to protect your feelings, but instead, blatantly trampled over them. And your spouse was amazingly dishonest. Should you ever trust your spouse again?

One of the essential steps I recommend in my program of recovery after an affair is for spouses to learn to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty so that they can create trust in each other. Those two policies define the meaning of trust, and by learning to follow them, they would have good reason to trust each other.

But I have counseled many unfaithful spouses who refuse to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement after an affair. In doing so, they admit that they are willing to let their spouse suffer so they can get what they want. When spouses of alcoholics complain that their drinking causes them to be unhappy, they drink anyway. Workaholics do the same thing. Their spouses’ feelings and interests have little effect on their decisions. They do what they want, regardless of the negative effect on their spouses.

So if an unfaithful spouse is unwilling to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, I explain to the betrayed spouse that they should not be trusted. Why? It’s because we should trust only those who are willing and able to protect our feelings and interests. Someone unwilling to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement is also unwilling to do that. Even if a spouse has never had an affair, may not be an alcoholic, a workaholic, or any other kind of “holic,” if that person is unwilling to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement it means that it’s only a matter of time before an incredibly painful act of thoughtlessness will occur. That person should not be trusted.

In addition to refusing to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, many of the unfaithful spouses I’ve counseled have also refused to follow the Policy of Radical Honesty. They don’t want their spouse to know their passwords, their schedule, their cell phone records, and other personal information. And yet they tell me and their spouse that they’ve changed. Now we can trust them. But I tell them that they must prove their trustworthiness—and they’re off to a very bad start.

Many unfaithful spouses have demanded that they be trusted. They argue that without that trust their marriage cannot thrive. They use that argument to avoid doing anything to regain trust. Instead of following the Policy of Joint Agreement, asking how their spouse would feel about their decisions, they insist that the spouse trust their judgment. They don’t tell their spouse what they are doing in secret, but they want the spouse to believe that it is not anything harmful to the marriage. Demanding trust is simply a tactic to get away with further thoughtlessness and dishonesty.

Trust is not a marital obligation; it’s a reaction to experience. It grows as each spouse shows himself or herself to be trustworthy. Marriage should begin with a commitment to be thoughtful and honest. Then, that commitment should be demonstrated with thoughtful and honest behavior. By following the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty consistently, a spouse would eventually prove his or her trustworthiness.

If someone who has a long history of dishonesty and thoughtlessness agrees to follow the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement, that person is on his or her way to becoming trustworthy, in spite of past history. As he or she learns how to be honest and thoughtful, and proves it again and again whenever conflicts arise, it’s only a matter of time before trust is restored.

How could Jon be certain that Sue would not have another affair? How could he ever trust her again? He eventually trusted her because they built the foundation of their new lifestyle on the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement. Sue learned to be completely honest with Jon, and that prevented the creation of a secret second life—an essential ingredient of an affair. She was also firmly committed to taking Jon’s feelings into account with every decision she made, thereby making another affair impossible.

Trust can be achieved in marriage, even after an affair. When honesty and thoughtfulness have been proven over a period of time (usually about two years), trust is created that does not have to be demanded. It comes naturally and effortlessly. And when it does, you have more reason to trust your spouse than you did before the affair took place.

Checklist for Managing Resentment and Restoring Trust

Overcome Resentment

___ Avoid mentioning the affair. Focus attention on the present and future.

___ Avoid using resentment to justify demands, disrespect, or anger when you have a conflict.

___ Avoid environmental triggers that remind you of the affair. Consider a move to avoid those triggers.

___ Allow about two years after your marriage has been restored for your resentment to fade.

Restore Trust

___ Follow the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement for two years.

___ Avoid demanding that your spouse trust you.