Before you complete the Emotional Needs Questionnaire in appendix B, review the following ten most important emotional needs. For more information about these needs, I recommend reading my book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage.
Affection: The nonsexual expression of care through words, cards, gifts, hugs, kisses, and courtesies; creating an environment that clearly and repeatedly expresses care.
Quite simply, affection is the expression of care. It symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval—vitally important ingredients in any relationship. When one spouse is affectionate to the other, the following messages are sent:
A hug can say those things. When we hug our friends and relatives, we are demonstrating our care for them. And there are other ways to show our affection—a greeting card, an “I love you” note, a bouquet of flowers, holding hands, walks after dinner, back rubs, phone calls, and conversations with thoughtful and loving expressions can all communicate affection.
Affection is, for many, the essential cement of a relationship. Without it many people feel totally alienated. With it they become emotionally bonded. If you feel terrific when your spouse is affectionate and you feel terrible when there is not enough of it, you have an emotional need for affection.
Sexual Fulfillment: A sexual experience that is predictably enjoyable and frequent enough for you.
Sex and affection are often confused, especially by men. Affection is an expression of care that is nonsexual and can be received from friends, relatives, children, and even pets. However, gestures that can show affection, such as hugging and kissing, that are done with a sexual motive are actually sex, not affection.
Most people know whether or not they have a need for sex, but in case there is any uncertainty, I will point out some of the most obvious symptoms.
A sexual need usually predates your current relationship and is somewhat independent of your relationship. While you may have discovered a deep desire to make love to your spouse since you’ve been in love, it isn’t quite the same thing as a sexual need. Wanting to make love when you are in love is sometimes merely a reflection of wanting to be emotionally and physically close.
Sexual fantasies are usually a dead giveaway for a sexual need. In general, fantasies are good indicators of emotional needs, with your most common fantasies usually reflecting your most important needs. If you have imagined what it would be like having your sexual need met in the most fulfilling ways, you probably have a sexual need. The more the fantasy is employed, the greater your need. If you have a craving for sex—feeling very content when you have it often enough and very frustrated when you don’t—you have a need for sexual fulfillment.
Intimate Conversation: Talking about feelings, topics of personal interest, opinions, and plans.
Intimate conversation is different from ordinary conversation. Its content focuses attention on very personal interests, problems, topics, and events. It’s intimate because you would generally not reveal such personal information to just anyone. Only those who seem to care about you and would be willing to help you think through the problems that you face are worthy of intimate conversation.
Men and women don’t have too much difficulty talking to each other during courtship. That’s a time of information gathering for both partners. Both are highly motivated to discover each other’s likes and dislikes, personal background, current interests, and plans for the future.
But after marriage many women find that the man who would spend hours talking to her on the telephone now seems to have lost all interest in talking to her and spends his spare time watching television or reading. If your need for conversation was fulfilled during courtship, you expect it to be met after marriage.
If you see conversation as a practical necessity—primarily a means to an end—you probably don’t have much of a need for it. But if you have a craving just to talk to someone, if you pick up the phone or go to your favorite internet social networking site just because you feel like talking, and if you enjoy conversation in its own right, consider intimate conversation to be one of your most important emotional needs.
Recreational Companionship: Leisure activities with at least one other person.
A need for recreational companionship combines two needs into one: the need to engage in recreational activities and the need to have a companion.
During your courtship, you and your spouse were probably each other’s favorite recreational companions. It’s not uncommon for women to join men in hunting, fishing, watching football, or other activities they would never choose on their own. They simply want to spend as much time as possible with the men they like and that means going where they go.
The same is true of men. Shopping centers are not unfamiliar to men in love. They will also take their dates out to dinner, watch romantic movies, and attend concerts and plays. They take every opportunity to be with someone they like and try to enjoy the activity to guarantee more dates in the future.
I won’t deny that marriage changes a relationship considerably. But does it have to end the activities that helped make the relationship so compatible? Can’t a husband’s favorite recreational companion be his wife and vice versa?
If recreational activities are important to you and you like to have someone join you for them to be fulfilling, include recreational companionship on your list of needs.
Honesty and Openness: Truthful and frank expressions of positive and negative feelings, events of the past, daily events and schedules, plans for the future; not leaving a false impression.
Most of us want an honest relationship with our spouse. But some of us have a need for such a relationship because honesty and openness give us a sense of security.
To feel secure, we want accurate information about our spouse’s thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future. If a spouse does not provide honest and open communication, trust can be undermined and the feelings of security can eventually be destroyed. We can’t trust the signals that are being sent and we have no foundation on which to build a solid relationship. Instead of adjusting to each other, we feel off balance; instead of growing together, we grow apart.
Aside from the practical considerations of honesty and openness, there are some of us who feel fulfilled when our spouse reveals his or her most private thoughts to us. And we feel very frustrated when they are hidden. That reaction is evidence of an emotional need, one that can and should be met in marriage.
Physical Attractiveness: Viewing physical traits of the opposite sex that are aesthetically and/or sexually pleasing.
For many people, physical appearance can become one of the greatest sources of love unit deposits. If you have this need, an attractive person will not only get your attention but may distract you from whatever you’re doing. In fact that’s what may have first drawn you to your spouse—his or her physical appearance.
There are some who consider this need to be temporary and important only in the beginning of a relationship. After a couple know each other better, some feel that physical attractiveness should take a backseat to deeper and more intimate needs. But that’s not been my experience, nor has it been the experience of many people I’ve counseled, particularly men. For many, the need for an attractive spouse continues on throughout marriage, and just seeing their spouse looking attractive deposits love units.
Among the various aspects of physical attractiveness, weight generally gets the most attention. However, choice of clothing, hairstyle, makeup, and personal hygiene also come together to make a person attractive. It can be very subjective, and you are the judge of what is attractive to you.
If the attractiveness of your spouse makes you feel great, and loss of that attractiveness would make you feel very frustrated, you should probably include this category on your list of important emotional needs.
Financial Support: Provision of the financial resources to house, feed, and clothe your family at a standard of living acceptable to you.
It may be difficult for you to know how much you need financial support, especially if your spouse has always been gainfully employed. But what if, before marriage, your spouse had told you not to expect any income from him or her? Would it have affected your decision to marry? Or what if your spouse could not find work, and you had to financially support him or her throughout life? Would that withdraw love units?
You may have a need for financial support if you expect your spouse to earn a living. But you definitely have that need if you do not expect to be earning a living yourself, at least during part of your marriage.
What constitutes financial support? Earning enough to buy everything you could possibly desire, or earning just enough to get by? Different couples would answer this differently, and the same couples might answer differently in different stages of life. But like many of these emotional needs, financial support is sometimes hard to talk about. As a result, many couples have hidden expectations, assumptions, and resentments. Try to understand what you expect from your spouse financially to feel fulfilled. And what would it take for you to feel frustrated? Your analysis will help you determine if you have a need for financial support.
Domestic Support: Management of the household tasks and care of the children (if any are at home) that create a home environment that offers you a refuge from the stresses of life.
Domestic support involves the creation of a peaceful and well-managed home environment. It can include cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, cleaning house, managing the family calendar, and childcare. If you feel very fulfilled when your spouse does these things and very annoyed when they are not done, you have the need for domestic support.
The need for domestic support is a time bomb. At first it seems irrelevant, a throwback to more primitive times. But for many couples, the need explodes after a few years of marriage, surprising both husband and wife.
In earlier generations, it was assumed that all husbands had this need and all wives would naturally meet it. Times have changed, and needs have changed along with them. Now many of the men I counsel would rather have their wives meet their needs for affection or conversation, needs that have traditionally been more characteristic of women. And many women, especially career women, gain a great deal of pleasure when their husbands create a peaceful and well-managed home environment, or at least share that responsibility with them.
Marriage usually begins with a willingness of both spouses to share domestic responsibilities. Newlyweds commonly wash dishes together, make the bed together, and divide many household tasks. The groom welcomes his wife’s help in doing what he had to do by himself as a bachelor. At this point in marriage, neither of them would identify domestic support as an important emotional need. But the time bomb is ticking.
When does the need for domestic support explode? When the children arrive! Children create huge needs—both a greater need for income and greater domestic responsibilities. The previous division of labor becomes obsolete. Both spouses must take on new responsibilities—and which ones will they take?
At this point in your marriage, you may find no need for domestic support at all. But that may change later when you have children. In fact, as soon as you are expecting your first child, you will find yourselves dramatically changing your priorities.
If you have children, and also have full-time careers, you and your spouse may both claim this need as among your five most important. In that case, sharing that responsibility may be the only way you can make each other happy.
Family Commitment: Provision for the moral and educational development of your children within the family unit.
In addition to a greater need for income and domestic responsibilities, the arrival of children creates in many people the need for family commitment. Again, if you don’t have children yet, you may not sense this need, but when the first child arrives, a change may take place that you didn’t anticipate.
Family commitment is not just childcare—feeding, clothing, or watching over children to keep them safe. Childcare falls under the category of domestic support. Family commitment, on the other hand, is a responsibility for the moral and educational development of the children, teaching them the values of cooperation and care for each other. It is spending quality time with your children to help them develop into successful adults.
Evidence of this need is a craving for your spouse’s involvement in the moral and educational development of your children. When he or she is helping them grow, you feel very fulfilled, and when he or she neglects their development, you feel very frustrated.
We all want our children to be successful, but if you have the need for family commitment, your spouse’s participation in family activities will make very large Love Bank deposits. And your spouse’s neglect of your children will make noticeable withdrawals.
Admiration: Being shown respect, value, and appreciation.
If you have the need for admiration, you may have fallen in love with your spouse partly because of his or her compliments to you. Some people just love to be told that they are appreciated. Your spouse may also have been careful not to criticize you. If you have a need for admiration, criticism may hurt you deeply.
Many of us have a deep desire to be respected, valued, and appreciated by our spouse. We need to be affirmed clearly and often. There’s nothing wrong with feeling that way. Even God wants us to appreciate Him!
Appreciation is one of the easiest needs to meet. Just offer a sincere compliment, and presto, you’ve made your spouse’s day. On the other hand, it’s also easy to be critical. A trivial word of rebuke can be very upsetting to some people, ruining their day and withdrawing love units at an alarming rate.
Your spouse may have the power to build up or deplete his or her account in your Love Bank with just a few words of admiration or criticism. If you can be affected that easily, be sure to add admiration to your list of important emotional needs.