Appendix D
Memorandum of Agreement
© 1988, 2013 Willard F. Harley, Jr.
This Agreement is made the ______ day of __________, ________, between __________________, hereinafter called “husband,” and __________________, hereinafter called “wife,” whereby it is mutually agreed:
I. The husband and wife agree to avoid Love Bank withdrawals by protecting each other from Love Busters, with a special emphasis on avoiding dishonesty and independent behavior.
A. To avoid Love Busters, the husband and wife agree to follow a course of action that identifies them, keeps a record of their occurrences, and eliminates them. The following Love Busters will not be tolerated in any form:
1. Selfish demands: Attempts to force the other to do something with implied threat of punishment if he or she refuses. Selfish demands will be replaced with thoughtful requests.
2. Disrespectful judgments: Attempts to change the other’s attitudes, beliefs, and behavior by trying to force your way of thinking through lecture, ridicule, threat, or other means. Disrespectful judgments will be replaced with respectful persuasion.
3. Angry outbursts: Deliberate attempts to hurt the other because of anger, usually in the form of verbal or physical attacks.
4. Annoying habits: Repeated behavior that unintentionally causes the other to be unhappy.
5. Dishonesty: Failure to reveal to the other correct information about emotional reactions, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future. This also includes leaving a false impression.
6. Independent behavior: Activities of a spouse that are conceived and executed as if the other spouse did not exist.
B. To avoid dishonesty, the husband and wife agree to follow the Policy of Radical Honesty: Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know; your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future. You will each provide:
1. Emotional honesty: Reveal emotional reactions, both positive and negative, to the events of your life, especially to the way your spouse is affecting you.
2. Historical honesty: Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate personal weaknesses or failures.
3. Current honesty: Reveal information about the events of your day, providing each other with a calendar of your activities, with special emphasis on those that may affect each other.
4. Future honesty: Reveal your thoughts and plans about future activities and objectives.
C. To avoid independent behavior, the husband and wife agree to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. This policy guarantees that one spouse will not do anything to gain at the other’s expense.
II. The husband and wife agree to make Love Bank deposits by meeting each other’s most important emotional needs.
A. The husband and wife will identify and then learn to become an expert at meeting each other’s five most important emotional needs. They will create plans to learn the habits that meet these needs, and then evaluate the success of their plans. Those needs may include the following:
1. Affection: The nonsexual expression of care through hugs, kisses, words, cards, and courtesies; creating an environment that clearly and repeatedly expresses care.
2. Sexual fulfillment: A sexual experience that is predictably enjoyable and frequent enough for you.
3. Intimate conversation: Talking about topics of personal interest, feelings, opinions, and plans.
4. Recreational companionship: Leisure activities with at least one other person.
5. Honesty and openness: Truthful and frank expressions of positive and negative feelings, events of the past, daily events and schedule, and plans for the future; not leaving a false impression.
6. Physical attractiveness: Viewing physical traits of the opposite sex that are aesthetically and/or sexually pleasing.
7. Financial support: Provision of the financial resources to house, feed, and clothe your family at a standard of living acceptable to you.
8. Domestic support: Management of the household tasks and care of the children (if any are at home) that create a home environment that offers you a refuge from the stresses of life.
9. Family commitment: Provision for the moral and educational development of your children within the family unit.
10. Admiration: Being shown respect, value, and appreciation.
The husband’s five most important emotional needs ranked in order of importance are:
- _______________
- _______________
- _______________
- _______________
- _______________
The wife’s five most important emotional needs ranked in order of importance are:
- _______________
- _______________
- _______________
- _______________
- _______________
B. The husband and wife will schedule time to meet the most important emotional needs by following the Policy of Undivided Attention: Give your spouse your undivided attention a minimum of fifteen hours each week, using this time to meet important emotional needs. They will do this by:
1. Insuring privacy, planning time together that does not include children, relatives, or friends so that undivided attention is maximized.
2. Using the time together to meet the needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, and recreational companionship.
3. Committing to spend the number of hours that reflects the quality of the marriage: fifteen hours each week if the marriage is mutually satisfying, and more time if marital dissatisfaction is reported by either spouse.
4. Scheduling time to be together prior to each week and keeping a record of the time actually spent.
C. The husband and wife will protect their Love Banks from outside threats by following the Policy of Exclusivity: Meet each other’s most important emotional needs exclusively. They will do this by:
1. Being cautious about giving or receiving affection from anyone else of the opposite sex.
2. Engaging in every sexual act or experience with each other and only with each other. Pornography, strip clubs, and even masturbation are completely off-limits.
3. Avoiding communication of personal topics, particularly the problems you are facing, with anyone else of the opposite sex, and limiting intimate conversation to each other.
4. Spending recreational time together, and being each other’s favorite recreational companions.
5. Avoiding personal compliments, especially about physical appearance, to anyone else of the opposite sex.
6. Avoiding contact with past lovers.
7. Avoiding contact with anyone who triggers feelings of infatuation, and if it ever happens, telling the spouse about that person and discussing how to gracefully end that relationship.
In witness whereof, the parties hereto have signed this agreement on the day and year first above written:
