Claire couldn’t fall asleep. She’d been exhausted by the time Callum had walked her to her hotel room and was certain she’d be asleep the moment her head hit the pillow. But she’d been wrong.
If she’d known, in advance, she was going to be up all night, she would’ve gotten out of bed and accomplished something—searched for new music online, read a book, watched a movie on Netflix, written an email to Gia.
Instead, she’d wasted all that time, tossing and turning.
Date. She’d gone on a date. It seemed too crazy to believe.
She wondered what Jack would say.
And that was the main reason she couldn’t fall asleep. She couldn’t stop thinking about Jack.
He’d been her best friend. Her confidant. Whenever something in her life happened, exciting or sad or crazy, he’d always been the first person she’d call. She wanted to talk everything over with him, dissect the entire event in one of their conversations.
Of course, she was generally the one doing the dissecting. But Jack had listened. Like Callum, he’d been a great listener.
She missed that camaraderie. She missed a million things about Jack. His laugh. His slow-cooked, barbecued ribs. She missed putting her hand under his shirt and resting it in the warmth of the small of his back.
She missed snuggling in bed and watching a movie together. She missed the way he sang in the shower.
For the first few months, maybe the first year, any memory of Jack had been too painful. She’d push all of them, even the happy ones, from her mind. Thinking about him, in any way at all, was excruciating.
But tonight, she wanted to call Jack. She wanted to tell him about her date. Claire knew that seemed weird. How could she possibly want to call her husband to tell him about the new man she’d met?
It was because he’d listen. He’d be happy for her.
Not once, since Jack had died, had Claire thought he’d want her to be stagnant in life. She hadn’t considered dating again before these past few days, but if there’d ever been anyone who wanted her to be happy, it was Jack. She knew it then and, even though he was gone, she knew it still.
They’d talked about death at various times in their marriage. They’d never been morbid about it. Neither of them could’ve ever imagined the way death would invade their world and take so much, destroying the lives of all of them. But as the parents of three children, it was inevitable the topic of death would arise.
Who would raise the kids if they both died?
Gia.
Who would manage the trusts for the kids?
Gia.
Claire had no family and neither of them wanted Jack’s parents to have anything to do with raising their children. It was amazing Jack had turned out as spectacularly as he had, all facets of his parents considered.
But they’d also, on occasion, discussed what would happen if only one of them died.
“You should remarry,” Claire would tell him. “A.S.A.P.”
“ASAP? Why so soon?”
“Our kids will need a mom.”
“I can be both mom and dad to them,” he’d say.
Claire would roll her eyes and sigh a deep, exaggerated sigh.
Sometimes, that would be the end of the conversation. But oftentimes, it wasn’t. Once, when the two of them were sorting laundry, Claire brought up the subject again.
“You know Cathy, across the street,” she’d said, more as a statement than a question.
“The single woman who lives on the corner?”
“Yes. She’s very nice. We had coffee together last week.”
“Okay.” Jack’s tone indicated he wondered where she was going with this.
“I think, if I die, you should walk across the street and ask her to be your date for my funeral.”
“What???” Jack had dropped the towel he’d been folding. “You’re out of your mind.”
“No, seriously,” Claire had said, reaching down to pick up the towel and then folding it, neatly, herself. “You need to take her as your date and then marry her. She’s really, really nice. You’ll like her. The kids already like her. Plus, she’s a good cook. Didn’t you have some of the banana bread she brought over last week?”
“You have officially lost it,” Jack had said.
“I’m not kidding, Jack.” Claire’s voice was serious and stern. “If I die, I don’t want you to sit around boohooing. Our kids need a mom. And they don’t need a dad who can’t get his act together. Miss me all you want, but move on.”
Jack hadn’t said anything after that. But later that night, in the dark, he’d rolled over and whispered in her ear, “If I die, I want you to move on, too. And not just because our kids would need a dad.”
That sentence was the one Claire remembered tonight. She could still feel Jack next to her in bed. The warmth of his breath as he’d whispered those words in her ear. The way he’d kissed her cheek after them. She could still feel her touch to the side of his face in response.
Claire wished Jack were here now. She’d tell him how she hadn’t once truly smiled since the accident, until she met Callum. She’d tell him how she never tired of listening to Callum’s Irish accent and how, every time he opened his mouth, she felt she was in the middle of a Liam Neeson movie.
She’d tell Jack how surprised she’d been to see Callum actually walking, and how she’d realized, though it was different to see him standing, she hadn’t found him one bit more attractive with a “full body” than she did when he was in his chair. She’d tell Jack how ashamed she was of herself. She’d assumed her attraction, though significant, was somehow “less” because he was disabled. But, she’d realized, when he’d stood at her door, he was a beautiful person, both inside and out. It didn’t matter to her one bit if he stood or sat. She was taken with him.
Indeed she was. She’d been sad to say good night to Callum. She couldn’t wait to see him in the morning. She’d had butterflies and realized she hadn’t felt this way since she was a college coed, eager for Jack to call or come pick her up for a date.
Claire never thought she’d feel this way again and that had been all right. When she’d had Jack and the kids, though she’d missed the feeling of first love, she’d had something that was just as special, if not better. A love that was built on time and trust and commitment and family.
A love she no longer had and though that hurt, it didn’t take away from the fact that this new feeling felt great, too.
Really, really great.
Without a doubt, Claire also knew she deserved this. She was going to enjoy every single second of happiness offered to her. There was no one who knew as well as Claire how precious and fleeting those moments could be.
• • •
“Hey, Claire,” Mitch called out as she entered the dining room for breakfast.
She was the last one to arrive. She hadn’t meant to be late. At first, she couldn’t decide what to wear, and then she’d gotten nervous about how she should act around Callum when she saw him with the others. Before she knew it, she had to rush downstairs to make sure there was still food for her.
“Hey, Mitch,” she said, smiling and waving to the others at the table, without looking at any of them too closely. She walked over to the buffet and grabbed a plate, which she piled high with scrambled eggs, potatoes, and bacon. Despite her nerves, it turned out being happy made a person hungry.
Pouring herself some orange juice, she listened to the conversation behind her.
“Okay, so how long will it take us to get to Texas?”
“About fifteen hours total. We’ll do half today,” Wyatt said. He looked at Alison. “Where are we staying again?”
“I’ve gotten rooms for us in Jackson, Mississippi.”
“M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I,” Wyatt sang out, his voice a sing-songy drawl.
“Wyatt’s just happy because we’re headed to the Lone Star State,” Callum said, as way of explanation to Claire.
Claire lifted her eyes to look at him. She’d purposely avoided glancing his way, certain the inevitable blush would give away her feelings to the group.
She hadn’t been mistaken. Claire’s and Callum’s eyes lingered on one another, just a second too long. Claire felt the flush as he smiled at her.
“Anyone need to use the potty before we go?” Alison asked.
“Whoah!” Wyatt said, glancing between Callum and Claire. “What’s that? What is that I’m seeing?”
Claire looked back down at her food, intently concentrating on every bite.
She heard Callum laugh. “Don’t know what you’re talking about, man. Have you gotten those eyes checked lately? Maybe you should call up your eye doc while you’re home. In fact, why don’t you make an appointment with your regular doc, too. You can tell him how I’ve caught you smoking behind the back porch.”
Wyatt grumbled and pushed back his chair.
“I’m gonnna start loading up the truck. Whoever is not outside and ready to go in thirty minutes is going to be left behind.”
“He always says that,” Mitch said.
“And one of these days, I’m gonna do it.” Wyatt stomped out of the room, as Claire hurried to finish her breakfast.
Mitch, Alison and Frank rose from the table.
“I’m not packed yet,” Alison said to Claire. “I need to hurry, I guess. See you in the van?”
Claire nodded, her mouth full of scrambled eggs. She wiped at her mouth with the napkin and waved at Alison as she and the men left the small dining room.
“Is that plate very interesting?”
“Huh?” Claire said, looking up.
“You’ve barely taken your eyes off it since you got in the room.”
“Oh, I…” Claire smiled, sheepishly. “This is awkward, isn’t it? I don’t know how to act around you. That is, I don’t know how to act around you when we’re around the others.”
“Worried they’ll see you’re falling desperately in love with me?”
“Ha ha,” Claire said, humor in her eyes. “Yes. I’m very worried about that.”
“You don’t have to be so worried. I’m sure they already know.”
“They what?” Claire was horrified. She was attracted to Callum, was beginning to develop feelings for him. But love? Who’d said anything about love? Was she coming across as desperate? Pathetic? Did the others think she was obsessed with Callum?
“Reel it back. Reel it back,” Callum said, laughing. “I can see your mind spinning a mile a minute from across the table. I was kidding, Claire. Kidding. You can calm yourself down again.”
“Oh.” She took a deep breath and realized her heart was racing. Now she did look pathetic.
Callum wheeled his chair over to the side of hers and picked her hand up off the table, bringing it to his lips and gently kissing it.
“No one is thinking about how enthralled you are by me, because they’re too busy realizing how captivated I am by you.”
He laid her hand back down on the table and winked at her.
“Enjoy your breakfast. No need to shovel it in. No one’s leaving without you. Come outside when you’re ready.”
Claire watched as Callum rolled out of the room. When she was sure he’d gone, she lifted her hand to her mouth, hoping to still feel the touch of his lips.
• • •
“I’ll drive first,” Callum said.
“You’ll what?” Claire said, the words flying out of her mouth.
Wyatt and Mitch laughed.
“Don’t trust your haunches to a man with none of his own?” Wyatt asked.
“I’ll have you know I still have one limb. Please don’t forget it,” Callum said.
“Oh, yes. That thing you call an arm. I’ve never understood why, if you only have one of them, you’d want to cover it all up with a tattoo.”
“To make sure no one misses it when they look at me, as you obviously have,” Callum said, rolling his chair to the driver’s side of the van. “Want to hoist me up, Mitch?”
“You’re not kidding?” Claire asked, as she watched Mitch lift Callum into the driver’s seat.
“Nope. Not one bit.” A grin spread across his face. “Feel free to drive with Wyatt in the truck if you’d prefer. Though, I should warn you, you’ll have to listen to Merle Haggard and Willie Nelson for the next four hours until we stop.”
“I like Willie,” Claire admitted.
“You won’t once you’ve heard Wyatt sing along for hours on end.”
“But…” Claire looked around the group. The others seemed nonplussed at the idea of Callum behind the wheel.
“How can you drive a vehicle when you’re missing…?” She gestured at his body, embarrassed to have to do so. She didn’t want to seem insensitive, but she’d lost her family in a car accident.
“Some bits and pieces? Well, to risk sounding rude, I just can.”
“Here you go,” Mitch said, handing Callum his prosthetic right leg. “Sorry. I’d already packed it.”
“I hate when that happens,” Frank said, coming up behind Alison. “You want shotgun, Claire?”
“Um, none of you seem worried about this.” Claire’s eyes bounced from one team member to the other.
“Worried about Callum driving? He’s okay. A little too slow, in my opinion. Wyatt will have drunk all the beer in the hotel bar by the time we get there, but Callum will definitely get us there in one piece.”
Callum put the key in the ignition, as Frank threw his laptop bag into the van. “I’ll take the whole middle row,” Frank said. “We’ll let the lovebirds have the whole back.” He nodded in the direction of Mitch and Alison, who were looking over some paperwork, their heads bent toward each other. Claire noticed Mitch’s hand was resting on the small of Alison’s back.
“I guess that leaves you to ride up here with me, Claire,” Callum said, pulling the sock for his prosthetic onto his knee.
“I guess.”
“You have no need to worry. The van is equipped for my, um, limitations. I’ve never had an accident. I promise. At least, never one where I lost a limb.”
“Ha. Very funny,” Claire said. She walked around the van and got in on the passenger side. “Okay, I’m going to have to trust you on this one.”
“You should trust me on all things.” Callum attached his prosthetic and then turned his body in the seat. Claire saw him position his leg on the brake. “Would you a like a quick lesson in adaptive driving so you don’t feel the need to white knuckle the armrest til Houston?”
“Yes, please.” Claire was feeling a little less nervous. She did trust Callum and if the others weren’t nervous, then there was no need for her to be.
She was, however, extremely curious.
“I’ve got quite a bit of control over my leg muscles and so, though my ankle doesn’t rotate, I’ve no difficulty switching my foot between the gas and the brake. I can actually even drive a standard, but I need two legs for that so I can use my left for the clutch. Good thing this is an automatic, as I hear my other leg is somewhere in the trunk.”
Claire couldn’t help but shake her head. She enjoyed how Callum joked about his situation. He never came across as bitter and his jokes were never forced or embarrassing.
“Everyone have their seatbelts buckled?”
“Yes, sir!” Mitch called out.
“Then it’s time to hit the road.” Callum pressed down on the brake as he shifted the car into drive and they began their journey to Houston.
• • •
No one spoke for the first thirty or so minutes. Claire was busy marveling over how Callum handled the vehicle.
“You’re awfully quiet,” Callum finally said, breaking the silence. “Happy to just watch me drive? Or are your palms still sweating?”
“I’m impressed with your skills.”
“As you should be. I’m looking forward to showing you some of my other skills in the future.” Callum’s eyes glimmered, mischievously. “What’s everyone doing back there?” He glanced in the rearview mirror.
Claire turned around so she could see the group. “Frank is dead asleep.”
“I figured by the snores.”
“Alison and Mitch have headphones on and are watching a movie on Mitch’s tablet.”
“Wonderful,” Callum said. “We’re virtually alone.”
“You’re right! What should we do with that alone time?”
“How about you tell me about your kids.”
“My kids?” Claire asked. She hadn’t been expecting him to say that.
“Yes. I know it’s difficult for you, but I’m pretty sure you have a million wonderful memories of them. If you’d like to share some, I’d love to listen.”
Claire smile at Callum’s thoughtfulness and gladly launched into tales of her babies—some sentimental, but most funny.
After Claire had enumerated her children’s likes and dislikes, she rested her head back on the seat and quietly watched Callum as he drove. “Do you like kids?”
“Oh, yes. I love them! My brother has four, and a fifth one on the way. He and his bride seem to feel it’s their responsibility to populate Ireland. I don’t get to see them much, just when I go back for a visit. Fin, my brother, says there’s no way he’s taking his large clan on an airplane. So, I’ve got to settle for playing the role of Uncle Callum only on my trips home once a year.”
“Does your brother look like you?”
“Nope. He’s got all his parts.”
Claire felt her face redden. She hadn’t meant for Callum to find her comment insulting. By the way his lips were turned up, though, she realized he hadn’t taken offense in the least.
“I mean, does he look like…I guess, your face.”
“Oh, so that’s what you meant, love? No, he’s not as handsome as I.”
“I imagine that wouldn’t really be possible, now, would it?” Claire teased.
“I’d say not!” Callum laughed. “Actually, he looks nothing like me. He has light-blond hair.”
“Really? I can’t picture you having a brother who doesn’t have hair as dark as yours.”
“Neither could my parents, apparently. I’m not sure if they were more shocked when he popped out about his correct number of limbs or that he looked like a little German! They were going to name him something like Donavan, which means Dark Warrior, but instead decided to call him Finbar, which means fair-haired.”
“Finbar?”
“Exactly. He hates it, too. That’s why he goes by Fin.”
“Your parents changed his name because of how he looked?” Claire asked, surprised. She and Jack had selected each of their children’s names long before the delivery day. She couldn’t have imagined anything that would’ve made her change those names once each child had been born, no matter what they looked like.
“My dad has always been very into the meaning of names.”
“And what does Callum mean? I’ve never heard it before.”
“No, it’s yet to make the top ten baby names in America, but I keep hoping,” Callum said, his eyes on the side mirror as he changed lanes. “It means dove.”
“Dove? Like a bird?”
“Well, certainly not like the soap!” Callum joked. “My dad was a Senator when I was born. He thought if he gave me a name that had to do with peace, his constituents would somehow think he was going to be the one to bring it about.”
They rode in silence for a few moments as Claire thought about that.
“Thanks,” she finally said.
“For what?” he asked, briefly casting his eyes on her.
“For asking about my kids. Most people don’t do that.”
“Well, other than Frank, I don’t think the team knows.”
“No, I don’t mean the team. I mean people in general, the people who knew about what happened. Everyone around me, except for my friend, Gia, stopped saying my kids’ names. It was as if they’d never been born at all. No one wanted to bring them up, as if mentioning them was going to remind me they’d died. But what people don’t realize is, I never, for one second, forget. They’re never, ever out of my mind. When people act as if they were never here to begin with, it hurts.”
Callum nodded. “I can understand that. People often like to pretend they don’t notice my missing limbs. I mean, it’s like this huge fluorescent polka-dotted rhinoceros. They know I’m missing parts, but they don’t want to say it, in case I haven’t noticed it.”
“That’s exactly it,” Claire said, a feeling of relief that someone understood her.
“So I usually begin with a joke, something that puts them at ease with my lack of limbs. To break the ice, you know?”
“Like, I’m standing before you, metaphorically speaking, of course?”
“Ah! You’ve been paying attention to my talks!”
“I don’t really have much of a choice,” Claire teased.
He smiled at Claire, again, before moving his eyes back to the road. “What I’m trying to get across is that when I begin with some self- deprecating humor, everyone chuckles. They’re usually nervous at first, unsure of whether I’m joking or not. Then, when they see I’m okay with making light of the situation, they seem much more relaxed about me and not as worried they’ll say the wrong thing.”
Claire nodded.
“Listen, Claire,” Callum said, his voice getting serious again. “The timing is all up to you, but have you thought about telling the team?”
“I’ve thought about it.”
“I don’t want to pressure you. The ball’s totally in your court, but as I’ve said, we’re a family. We all have struggles and things we deal with and we’ve found it’s best to share those things with each other. We can’t help one another if we don’t know what’s going on. For example, Alison told you she’s diabetic, right?”
“Yes.”
“And Wyatt’s mom has Alzheimer’s. We all usually go to the nursing home to visit her and the other residents while we’re in Texas. We know he’ll be away from the team quite a bit while we’re in the state so he can spend as much time with her as possible.”
“He told me about his mom yesterday when we talked about this trip.”
“Everyone’s got something going on and none of it’s a secret, so I’m not betraying any confidences by telling you. Frank’s wife left him and his daughters when they were in elementary school. He raised them all by himself.”
“And Mitch?”
“Mitch has got it goin’ on,” Callum said, with a laugh. “We haven’t figured out Mitch’s problem yet. But believe me, he’s gotta have one!”
“Maybe being wrapped around Alison’s little finger?”
“Could be. Anyway, I think you should consider telling them. You’ll feel better once they know. Trust me. It’s no fun to keep secrets around this group. We spend so much time together it will begin to feel like you’re lying by omission if you don’t get it all out.”
“Okay. I’ll think about it.”
“Good.” Callum flicked the turn signal, pulled off the highway and into an Exxon gas station. Silencing the ignition, he said, “I need to take a break. Get out and stretch my legs.”
Before Claire could say a word, Callum turned to her and exclaimed, “See! That’s another one I use. Stretch my legs!” And then, taking his hand off the steering wheel, he flicked his wrist, up and down, playing an air drum. “Ba dum bum. Thanks, folks. I’ll be here all week.”