Claire couldn’t remember the last time she’d been this exhausted. Or happy. Or exhausted.
Did she mention exhausted?
The next few months were a whirlwind of U.S. cities and events. The stop after Austin and Fort Worth had been Arizona. Claire had finally gotten to see the Grand Canyon for the first time. She and Alison and Mitch had even hiked partway to the bottom. She’d hesitated doing the trek when she realized Callum had felt it’d be too much for him.
“I’m good on these legs, but not that good,” he’d joked.
“You can always ride the donkey,” Mitch had quipped. “Like Alice, the housekeeper, on The Brady Bunch.”
“Nah,” Callum had shot back. “I’ve seen enough asses in my life.”
“Boys,” Alison had scolded.
“I can stay back,” Claire had said when the two of them were alone. She’d meant it and didn’t really mind too much. She’d always wanted to hike the Grand Canyon, but Callum mattered more to her. If he couldn’t do it, she was willing not to do it, either.
“Claire,” Callum had said seriously. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t view our relationship as a sprint. I view it as a marathon. So, if this is going to be a marathon, there are a few things we need to get straight right now.”
“Ground rules?” Claire had asked, one eyebrow raised.
“Sure. Ground rules. The first one being, I’m not about to hold you back in any way. If you want to do something, then do it. If I can do it, I’ll be happy to join you, assuming you want me.” He’d winked then. “But, if I can’t—and, though I hate to admit it, there are some things I just can’t do, at least not easily—I still want you to live that experience.”
“But,” Claire had protested.
“There is no but,” Callum had said firmly. “I can’t be in a relationship where I feel I’m holding the other person back. That’s not fair to you and, frankly, it’s not fair of you to ask me to bear that burden. I can’t live in a constant state of guilt. Besides, I find great pleasure in making you happy.”
He’d kissed her then. They’d been doing a whole lot of kissing since the bridge in Austin. A lot of kissing and snuggling and spending time together.
He made Claire happy. And she liked being happy. She’d been sad for way too long.
After Arizona, the team had traveled to San Diego, Los Angeles and San Francisco. By that time, the whole team knew about Claire’s obsession with travel guidebooks and, though they teased her mercilessly about it, they were also happy to listen to what she thought would be the best museums, restaurants and activities to check out in each city. Sometimes Claire wondered what they’d done before she’d joined the team. Sat in their hotel rooms all day?
“You must’ve been a great mom,” Mitch had said to her, surprising her with his compliment. “I’ll bet your kids had the best time because you always planned fun things for them to do.”
Claire had smiled and said she’d tried to be the best mom she could be, and hoped her kids had felt that, too. She’d always done her best to plan great activities, whether it be crafts or field trips to parks or scavenger hunts around town. Claire was a creative person and had thrown that skill into the way she mothered her children.
She was also enjoying traveling even more than she’d thought she would, back when she’d dreamt of going on tour with a Broadway show, or all the times she and Jack had discussed taking the kids on a cross-country trip when the twins were a little older.
As she visited each new state and city, Claire felt Jack’s presence with her. She was certain he was happy for her. He would never have begrudged her this opportunity. Sometimes Claire had to wonder how she’d ever gotten so lucky to have found not only one man who loved her so selflessly, but two.
And love her Callum did. She’d known, that night on the bridge, she was in love, but she also knew she’d be damned if she was going to be the one to say the “L” word first.
As it turned out, there was no need to worry. When they reached San Francisco, about three weeks into their relationship, Callum surprised her with a hot air balloon ride over the Napa Valley. It was another first for Claire, one of many. The two of them had risen early to be in the balloon before the sun came up and as a result were rewarded by the most unbelievable sunrise Claire had ever seen.
He’d had his arm around her while she’d held both of their glasses, his filled with a mimosa and hers with simply orange juice. He’d nuzzled his face in her hair and she’d leaned back against him.
“It’s incredible,” she’d said. She hardly knew where to cast her eyes. All around her was magnificent beauty, from the sky to the scores of vineyards. Claire had found it difficult to gather it in fast enough.
“I think you’re incredible,” Callum had said. She’d smiled up at him then. He was once again taller than her in his legs. His blue eyes were even more brilliant that the sky surrounding them.
“I know I can’t possibly live up to Jack, and I’m not trying to replace him, but I’ve never felt like this before with another woman. I can’t take your pain away, but I hope you’ll give me the chance to make you happy,” he’d said, leaning down to kiss her. And then, right before he did, he whispered, “Because I’m falling in love with you.”
“And I’m falling in love with you.” The words had tumbled from Claire’s mouth once his lips left hers. She did love him. She’d been drawn to him in a way she’d never experienced before, not even with Jack. Jack had been an exciting, intoxicating college love.
With Callum, they were both coming into the relationship as old souls. Both of them had experienced more pain in their relatively young lives than most people and their entire families, combined, had to come to terms with in a lifetime. Their understanding of one another went far beyond thoughtful conversations over dinner or fun date nights at the movies. They not only understood life and the nearly insurmountable hurdles that existed, they also understood each other in a way Claire had previously doubted anyone could.
Even if Claire lived another sixty years, she suspected she’d never meet another person who “got her” the way Callum did.
And, though she’d never lost a limb or had the need for a wheelchair or walked with fake legs, as Callum called them, she “got him,” too, in a way he said no other woman had before.
She wondered if soulmates existed. And, if they did, could you have two in a lifetime? She wasn’t sure. But, if soulmates were possible, she was fairly certain she’d found hers.
• • •
The California cities had flown by and, the next thing Claire knew, they were headed to Portland and Seattle and then back across the Midwest to Kansas City. The trip to reach the Midwest was an exceptionally long drive and, though they’d stopped to sleep a few nights, they hadn’t stayed anywhere for more than twelve hours at a time and the mood in the van was dank.
“I’m sick of all of you,” Alison spat out as they drove through the middle of nowhere Nebraska. “Seriously, I love you guys, and all. But, if I have to spend one more hour in this van, I’m going to scream. Whose idea was it to not have an event in Wyoming or something so we could get out of here for a few days?”
“Well,” Mitch said, his voice much testier than usual. He, too, was fed up with being crammed into the van. “I guess that would be you.”
“Callum had said he didn’t want more than ten events scheduled during the fall stretch. Wyoming would have made eleven,” Alison retorted.
“I think we’re about to witness a wee lover’s spat,” Callum said. He was driving and, though he wasn’t complaining like Mitch and Alison, Claire could tell he was tired, too, both physically and emotionally. They all needed a break, from the van and from each other.
“Maybe now would be a good time to bring up that bus idea,” Mitch said.
“What bus idea?” Claire asked.
“The bus we need, but Callum won’t buy,” Alison shot back. She was clearly not in one of her better moods.
“Ah, yes. The bus,” Callum said. “How did I know that would pop up along this drive?”
“It’s going to pop up on every drive until we get one,” Alison said.
“She’s right, Callum,” Mitch said. “We can’t keep this up. We’re crammed into this van like a bunch of drunk college students at a house party. If you want us to continue to work with one another and still be able to stand looking at each other, we need a bigger vehicle.”
“You’re always welcome to drive with Wyatt,” Callum said and the harshness of his tone startled Claire. In the two months they’d been together, Claire hadn’t seen anyone in the group get into an actual argument. There’d been disagreements, certainly, and good-natured teasing. But a fight? No.
She wondered if she was about to witness her first one.
“The point is,” Mitch said. “I shouldn’t have to drive with him.”
“Okay, okay,” Claire interrupted. “I think I’m missing something.”
“What Mitch and Alison are, so heatedly, complaining about,” Frank, who until this moment had been quiet for most of that day’s drive, said, “Is that they, and I, for that matter, have been trying to convince Callum to invest in a bus for all of us to travel in instead of this small van. We all feel that a bus would give us more room to stretch out, work at the tables, take naps that are more restful than my head on Mitch’s lap.” Mitch snorted. “And, most importantly, give us some space from one another so, as was eloquently stated earlier, we can still stand looking at each other by the end of our journeys.”
“So,” Claire continued. “What’s the issue, Callum?”
“Money!” Alison piped up from the back. “It’s always about money.”
“I can speak for myself, Alison,” Callum said, his voice low and even and, if Claire were to describe it, a little bit menacing.
“Then do so,” Alison muttered.
“Claire, Alison’s correct. It’s an issue of money.”
“Do you not have any?” she whispered, hoping the others couldn’t hear her. She didn’t want to call out Callum and his finances, or the finances of his organization, in front of the others if it was a sensitive topic.
“No. That’s not the problem. We make good money from our events. Of course, much of that goes to Uncle Sam and the rest goes to pay for gas, hotels, salaries, health benefits. You do all like your health benefits, don’t you?” Callum called out, sarcastically, as he glanced in the rearview mirror.
“Of course, since we need them for our chiropractor visits,” Mitch huffed.
“The issue isn’t that we don’t have the money. The issue is that I think there are more important things for us to put any excess funds towards.”
“Such as?” Claire asked. She truly was curious. She didn’t understand what Callum’s objection to this might be.
“Such as wheelchairs and canes and Zimmer frames.”
“What?” Claire asked
“That’s what fancy British people call walkers,” Alison piped up.
“For the record, I’m not British. I’m Irish. Southern Ireland is not a part of the United Kingdom.
“Any extra money we have is used to help other people,” Callum continued. “I try to manage our money wisely. I pay everyone fair wages.”
Claire couldn’t argue with that. The money she was making was quite reasonable, and since she rarely spent any of it because most of the expenses on the road were covered, she was actually putting a large chunk of it away in a bank account.
Not that she needed money. Jack had made sure she’d be well taken care of if anything were to happen to him. And, she’d also received a significant insurance settlement from the accident.
Still, Claire felt a sense of pride over earning her own income. She wasn’t sure yet how she was going to spend it, but she’d been toying around with the idea of creating a scholarship in her children’s names.
“Okay,” Frank said. “I think we’ve had enough arguing for a bit. If I wanted to hear bickering, I’d ask all my kids to get together for dinner.”
Claire smiled at his words. She remembered how much her kids used to squabble during family meals.
“Okay, Frank,” Claire said, turning around in her seat. “Since we’re changing topics, tell me about your kids. I don’t know much about them.”
“I have four.”
“Four?” Claire said. She couldn’t believe Frank was the father of four children. The image of him having even one child seemed difficult for her to comprehend. He was so…what was the word she was looking for…stuffy. Yes, that was it. Stuffy. She couldn’t imagine him being “Daddy” to anyone. She especially couldn’t envision him raising those children alone, as Callum had told her Frank had done.
“All of them are grown now,” Frank said. “Jenny, my youngest, is a junior at K-State. I’m hoping she’ll be able to make the drive to see us while we’re in Kansas City.”
“That’d be great,” Claire said.
“Rodney, my second youngest, is in graduate school at Pepperdine.”
Claire nodded. She’d remembered Frank had taken a day off in California, in between events, to go visit one of his kids, though she hadn’t asked much about it at the time.
“He’s studying business,” Frank said. “He’s the smartest of my kids, but don’t tell the others I said that.” Claire smiled. Ella had been her smartest. She’d known it early on in the twins’ childhood. No parent wants to admit they think one child is smarter than the others, but…well…sometimes one kid just was. Ella had been the most creative and imaginative, even as a toddler. She’d picked up reading earlier than the other two had and she knew all her addition facts before she’d even begun kindergarten.
“And the twins are out of college.”
“Twins?” Claire said, surprised. “I didn’t know you had twins.”
Frank’s face reddened beneath his beard. “I didn’t mention it because I thought it might hurt you a little.”
Claire smiled and her heart melted over Frank’s sensitivity.
“You didn’t have to hide that fact,” Claire said. “I know other people have twins. It doesn’t sting to hear about it. At least, not anymore. Boys or girls or both?”
“Two boys. Zack and Mac.”
Claire couldn’t hide her chuckle.
“My ex-wife named them. I told her it was silly to have their names rhyme, but…” Frank rolled his eyes. “Anyway, those are their names. They’re both gainfully employed, thank heavens. There were some years when I doubted that would happen and feared I might be visiting them in the federal pen.”
“Really?”
“Well, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but by no means were they easy boys to get to adulthood in one piece.”
“Callum told me you raised them all by yourself,” Claire said, glancing at Callum. He seemed to be calmer now.
Frank sighed. “Yep. I did. My wife left us when Jenny was three years old. At first, I thought we’d merely be divorcing and sharing joint custody. She’d never been a natural at motherhood. She’d struggled quite a bit with post-partum depression ever since we’d had the twins.”
“She didn’t want partial custody?”
“Nope. She wanted nothing. We signed those divorce papers and she was gone. Not just out the door, but out of the state. Maybe the country. I’m not sure.”
“Really? She was gone gone?” Claire couldn’t imagine any mother, no matter how depressed, not wanting at least some contact with her children.
“Completely. I’ve never seen her again. The kids have seen her since they’ve grown. Jenny found her mom on Facebook when she was in high school. She’s always wanted a mom-figure in her life. I did my best but, you know. I’m a man.”
Claire nodded. As good a dad as Jack had been, she couldn’t imagine what kind of job he would have done if he’d been tasked with raising their girls on his own. Whenever Claire had gone away for even a day, she’d come back to the twins’ hair being in complete tangles and them wearing mismatched, and often dirty, clothing. If Jack hadn’t been able to handle simple tasks like grooming and dressing, how would he have handled the girls getting their periods and beginning to date? Claire shuddered at the thought of it.
“Jenny was young when her mom left. She hadn’t been as hurt by it as the boys because she doesn’t really remember it. I think Jenny still keeps in touch with her mom, though we don’t discuss it much. The kids got together with her once, at Jenny’s pleading. From the bits and pieces the boys told me, it didn’t go well and I’m pretty sure none of them have any interest in spending time with their mom again.”
“That’s sad,” Claire said. “But I understand why they wouldn’t want to be with her. You must’ve been so angry with her for leaving you to deal with everything on your own.” As she said it, Claire glanced to the back row. Alison and Mitch were both wearing headsets and watching a movie on the tablet. Only Callum was listening to the conversation and Claire got the impression he was zoning out as he stared at the road.
“You know, I was at first. I knew nothing about raising small kids. Not that my ex was much better at it, of course. But I’d been the breadwinner. I made the money, came home and played with the kids for an hour or two and then my wife put them to bed. I’d never gotten my hands dirty before, so to speak.
“It took me awhile to get the hang of things, but I did. As the kids grew older, my anger towards my ex-wife diminished. If anything, I felt sorry for her. She’d missed out on so much. Difficult things, of course. But so many really good things, too. And now, though I believe she’d like to have a relationship with all the kids, it’s too late. Even if I were to encourage it, which I don’t, my boys have minds of their own. She lost her chance with them. And, to be honest, in a way, she gave me a gift.”
“A gift?” It seemed hard to believe that even Frank, as good a man as he was, could find being left alone with four kids to be any sort of gift.
“She did. If I hadn’t been forced to spend that much time with my kids, I wouldn’t have. I would’ve continued on with my two hours a night. I would’ve missed out on all the hours and weeks and months and years of really getting to know them as people. I wouldn’t give that up for anything in the world. In the end, the memories of the time spent with your kids, as they grow up, is all you really have, isn’t it?”
Claire nodded. She thought that, perhaps, Frank might catch himself and worry he’d hurt her in some way. After all, everyone knew that memories were the only thing she had left of her own children. But when she looked at him carefully, she knew he’d said those words intentionally.
Callum had said something, during one of their talks about her family, and his words had stuck with her.
“Don’t let your good memories be ruined by how badly it all ended. Focus on each memory as one happy moment in time. Why would you let the day of their deaths define their entire lives?”
Claire had taken Callum’s words to heart and, every day, though it was a struggle, she worked harder and harder to remind herself that the memories were singular moments in time. The end did not define the story.
And she was making sure to treasure the moments she had with Callum and with the new friends she’d made. Claire didn’t look toward the future. It was too uncertain. It was not promised to any of them. She was learning to live in the moment. The past was too painful and what lay ahead was unclear. But the present? Claire found she could find contentment in that.
“I think it’s time I drove,” Claire said to Callum. “We all need to get out and walk around for a bit.”
“You just want a Coke,” Callum said, smiling, but he signaled to move into the right lane.
“Well, that’s true, too,” Claire said.
“I thought you were giving that crap up,” Callum said.
“I am,” Claire said. She’d been trying, unsuccessfully, to give up caffeine and sugar. The weight she’d been gaining since taking this new job had reached its ideal number and she didn’t wish for the pounds to continue attaching to her frame. “Just not today.”
Callum shook his head, but said nothing, as he maneuvered the van off the highway and into the parking lot of an Exxon station.
An Exxon station that was like the hundreds of others they’d visited over the past couple of months.