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By the time Caleb finished reading the letter, I was crying silently. Caleb’s voice had also become subdued by the end of the letter. I couldn’t believe Jed had done all those things.
“He really is dead,” Caleb whispered, his voice husky with emotion. “How could he have done those things? My little brother. He was always the one who stood up for what was right.”
“He got involved with the wrong crowd,” Da snapped. “Of course he did those things. Why shouldn’t he? He ran off afore he was old enough to care for himself. The outlaws turned his mind to th’ wrong things.” Da stood up and stretched his arms above his head. “I’ll go check on th’ stock and then get off to bed.”
“Da, I can check the...” Caleb started.
“Nay, Lad, I’ll check th’ stock. No reason for you to do it. I’m not that old a man yet.” Da strode out the back door without a second glance.
My crying slowed and I was just getting the tears to stop when Caleb spoke again. “What’d you think about this God talk?”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It was a very good question. Ever since I had read Jed’s letter, thoughts about God had not been far from my mind. “I’m not sure yet. I think I might start reading the Bible more to see what’s so special about it.” I lifted my eyes to Caleb’s. “What do you think?”
“Mama believed all of it. She was always reading that Bible of hers and talking to us about it.” Caleb got a faraway look in his eyes. “She loved that old book.” His eyes came back to focus on me. “Da won’t like you reading it, Anna.”
I lowered my head. “I know.” I swallowed hard. “I’m also considering going to church.”
Caleb’s eyes widened. “Da would like that even less and you know it. He’ll never let you go!”
“He doesn’t need to know I’m going,” I said. “I have nearly a week to figure out how to sneak out to church. I’ll think of something.” I stood up and worked on clearing the table. “As for reading the Bible, I can do that while you two are out in the fields and in the evenings when Da goes to bed.” I leaned against the sink, facing Caleb and crossing my arms. “It’s high time someone in this family became more sociable with the people around here. When was the last time we did anything sociable?”
Caleb stared at me with a blank look on his face. “The barn raising... Three years ago?” he answered after a long pause.
“Four years ago. And as I recall, you and Da said next to nothing while I kept myself busy with doing as much as possible so I wouldn’t have to talk to anybody.”
Caleb screwed his face up in concentration. “I suppose we have been like hermits lately.”
“Ever since Jed left,” I interrupted. “Even though he was the most shy of us all, when he left, we got more and more unsociable. Now, I hardly know who anybody is in town. I couldn’t tell you what happened to my best friend from school.”
Caleb shook his head. “How did we let this happen to us? It’s no wonder neither of us is married and has ten kids. No one knows we exist.”
“At least you would still be able to marry. You have land you will inherit, not to mention you are pretty good looking, even if you are nearing middle age. Me on the other hand? I’m a plain-looking spinster who talks too much, speaks her mind too freely, and can keep a house clean and food on the table. No, you, Caleb, are our only hope to keep the Stuart line going.”
I turned around and started washing the dishes. Determination filled my voice after another moment’s thought. “Yes, that will be one of my goals when I start going to church: To find you a wife.”
Caleb sputtered. “W-what? Are you daft?”
I laughed. For the first time in years, I let out an honest-to-goodness laugh, one that doubled me over and seemed to shake the windows. Then I realized the shaking windows had been Da slamming the door shut.
I looked toward Da and saw him glaring at us. “So, I’m out there checkin’ on th’ stock while ye two are in here caterwauling about who kens what?”
Even Da’s incessant bad mood couldn’t wipe the grin off my face. “I was only teasing Caleb about finding him a wife, Da. Don’t you agree it is high time he find himself a wife?”
Da stared at me as if I had sprouted horns and my unruly red hair had suddenly turned to raven black and straight as a level board. He shook his head and stalked up the stairs to his room. I bit my cheeks to keep the smile and laugh from bursting forth yet again. Da would likely fly into a rage if I dared to laugh at him.
Instead, I chose to glare at Caleb, although the glare effect was probably lost behind the broad grin still on my face. “Nay, I am na’ daft.” I purposely chose to let my Scottish accent come through, knowing how much Caleb disliked it. “I’m as sane as ye are, Caleb.”
Caleb rolled his eyes. “Sure y’are.”
My mood left without warning. “Caleb, I either laugh or I cry. I choose to laugh. If I don’t...” My voice trailed off as I could no longer speak without crying.
Caleb nodded. “I suppose that’s true. You’re taking this harder than any of us.”
I grabbed Caleb’s arms. My voice was tight and low as I spoke. “Caleb, who raised Jed? I did. I raised him almost single-handedly. Da did nothing to turn him into a man worthy of the Stuart name. Da kept you too busy outside for you to help me raise him. I’m the one who raised Jed from a wee bairn to a man.”
I let go of Caleb, suddenly deflated of all energy. My voice dropped to a whisper, “When Jed left, I knew he wasn’t ready to face the real world. Old enough, yes. Wise enough?” I shook my head. “I kept hoping, and yes, praying, he would come back. When he didn’t...” a sob crept through my words. “You know what I did. I retreated from life. I stayed away from everybody.”
“I know,” Caleb said, his voice quiet. “We all did.”
I took a deep breath and looked outside. “We need to get to bed.”
Caleb nodded and stepped forward to help me.
We were both silent the rest of the night. Caleb put the dishes away while I dried them. Then we each made our way upstairs to our rooms.
I fell asleep immediately, my heart and all my energy completely spent.
***
After picking at my eggs and biscuits the next morning, I tried to go about my normal chores. By mid-morning, I was drained both in soul and body. I had tried not thinking about Jed and what had happened to him. When that didn’t work, I tried thinking about Jed. Neither one worked and all I did was drain myself of what little strength I had left and dissolved into tears.
I somehow managed to get lunch on the table through my crying and serve the meal while suppressing the tears. It must have tasted decent, too, since Caleb and Da shoveled it into their mouths. After Caleb and Da returned to the fields, I decided to go to town. Maybe being around strangers would help.
On my way out the door, a slight ray of light caught my eye. On a normal day, it wouldn’t have caught my attention, except that the light was surrounded in shadow. The ray should never have appeared in that spot. I took a closer look at the shelf where it had appeared. The light rested on Mama’s Bible.
“Mama,” I whispered. “Jed.” I let my fingertips brush the spine and looked up at the ceiling. “God, if you’re out there, I...” my voice faded. “God, I can’t do this. I can’t live like this anymore. Help me. Please.”
I lifted the Bible off the shelf and stared at it for a few minutes before backing up toward a chair and falling into it. I opened the Bible up to the bookmark. Mama always kept it in the place she was reading.
“What was it you were reading last, Mama?” I took a deep breath in an attempt to calm my nerves. “What were God’s last words to you before you died?”
I began to read at the bookmark. Two hours later, I was engrossed in my reading of the book of John when a faint knock sounded on the door. I put the bookmark back into the Bible, closed it, and set it on the chair.
I hurried across the room and opened the door to find a young woman looking back at me. I stared into her bright green eyes that seemed to bring out the red tint to her auburn hair.
“Hello,” she said, sticking her hand out. “I am Wilma Gardner. I recently moved onto the neighboring farm with my husband. I heard there was a woman living here and thought we could possibly become friends. The ladies in town said not to pin my hopes up, but when have I ever listened to people like them?”
In spite of myself, I found my lips curving up into a slight smile. First, this stranger was Southern. Second, this vivacious young woman might be my answer to getting me out of my...whatever it was I was in.
“Anna Stuart,” I replied, returning her handshake and inviting her in. After seeing if she wanted something to drink, I continued, “I live here with my brother and father. They’re out in the fields.”
“Maybe we could have you three over for dinner sometime this week,” Wilma offered. “I’m sure my husband would be glad for some advice from men who have farmed here for awhile.”
I shook my head. “I doubt that would be possible. Da doesn’t like visiting with people and he certainly does not like discussing farming with anybody, not even Caleb.”
Mrs. Gardner’s face fell. “Oh. Darius will be sorry to hear that.” She looked down at her lap. “Perhaps you and Caleb could come visit us?” She glanced up at me, hope shining in her eyes.
“I wish I could give you a more satisfactory reply, but I’m afraid that will be impossible.”
“Too bad. Well, we’ll just have to be content with what we can get.” She smiled, her green eyes lighting up. “Do you go to church?”
I started. “Why do you ask?”
She nodded toward the chair where the Bible still lay. “You have a Bible over there.”
“Oh. That.” I cleared my throat. “Today was the first time I’ve read it in...a long time.” I shifted in my chair, wringing my hands. “I...I haven’t been to church...for almost fifteen years.” I looked up. “I am considering going again, though.”
I was shocked to see Mrs. Gardner’s eyes light up. What had I said to inspire that sudden joy?
“You are more than welcome to join us in our wagon on Sunday, if you don’t want to walk or ride on your own.”
I forced a smile. “Thank you.”
“Is there more than one church around here?”
I blinked my eyes a few times. “No, I believe there is only one.”
“Who is the pastor?”
I opened my mouth to answer before realizing I had absolutely no idea how to answer. “I don’t know. As I said, it has been almost fifteen years and I know the pastor who was there before is no longer there.”
Mrs. Gardner nodded. “You’re not comfortable with me, are you?”
I swallowed, nervous about such a direct question. “More your questions than you. Although, I haven’t had many friends for awhile. I may just be out of practice.”
Wilma laughed. “Well, it is time to change that. Let’s start by getting to know each other. May I call you by your first name?”
“Yes, that would be fine. Okay,” I said, the word stretching out because I was unsure how to start. “Well...How about you start, Wilma?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Wilma said with a wink. “Let’s see.” She leaned back in her chair and stared at a spot behind me. “Well. I am twenty-three. I have been married for three years to a very wonderful man. His name is Darius, but I think I already mentioned that. We have no children yet, but pray for some soon, Lord willing. I enjoy crocheting, knitting, cooking, and sewing. Pretty much anything I can do inside.” Wilma gave me a half smile as she leaned forward and looked me straight in the eyes.
“I have two sisters and three brothers back home in Southern Tennessee,” she continued. “I’m the oldest. My parents are both still alive and are very anxious to have grandchildren. I think those are most of the basics about me.” She raised her eyebrows. “Now it is your turn.”
I couldn’t believe how nervous I was. All she wanted was for me to tell her a little about myself. Why should I get nervous about that? “Um,” I licked my lips. “I am twenty-nine and have never been married. My mama died when I was nine and I raised my baby brother for fourteen years. I do not like cooking, cleaning, or sewing. I tolerate them because it is necessary for me to do them. I would much rather be outside washing clothes than be inside washing dishes.”
I closed my eyes, trying to give no thought to who was in the room with me. “It has always been my dream to get married and have at least five boys. No girls. I wouldn’t know what to do with a girl. I know the games boys like, how to get them to do things they never would have done otherwise.” My smile faded and my eyes were blurry when I opened them. I closed my eyes again to hide the tears that threatened.
I heard and felt Wilma come over and kneel beside me. “What is it, Anna?”
I took a deep breath. “Nothing,” I said. “It’s nothing.” I straightened and pasted on an almost sincere smile. “Do you have a favorite color?”
“Purple,” Wilma said with a smile. “You?”
“Brown.”
Wilma moved back to her chair and leaned an elbow on her leg. “Favorite animal?”
“Dogs.”
“Cats,” Wilma laughed and my smile grew more sincere. I was beginning to like this young woman. Maybe she would let me be a surrogate aunt to her children.
“How many children do you want to have?” I asked.
“As many as God allows, but at least two. Darius grew up as an only child and said he didn’t wish that fate on anyone else, if at all possible.”
I looked away from Wilma’s animated face, unable to bear the sight of her eager expression. “Some would have preferred to be only children,” I said. When I saw her confused expression, I held up a hand for her silence. “No, not me. I didn’t mind. At least...not until yesterday.” I broke off. I hadn’t planned on telling her that. I shook my head vigorously, almost throwing the bun in my hair out of place. “But, I do know some people who would have preferred to be the only child.”
“But, why?” Wilma asked. “Why would anyone want to be an only child?”
“To have their parents’ love all to themselves without having to share it. To not have the competition of besting their older brothers and sisters. To be able to retreat without fear of interruption. I don’t know. All I know is that the young man I speak of wished he had been the only child born to his family.” My voice dropped to a whisper. “Or that he had never been born at all.”
Wilma’s eyes went wide with shock. “Who is this young man? Where is he?”
“Dead,” I said in a flat, emotionless voice. “He was hanged over a month ago.” I stood up. “Are you sure you don’t want tea, coffee, or water?”
Wilma forced a smile. “No. No, thank you. I’m fine. I should probably be going anyway. It is almost time to start supper.”
“I hope I didn’t chase you away with my bad mood,” I apologized.
Wilma’s real smile returned. “Not at all. I like you, Anna Stuart, and I plan to become a very good friend to you.” She stood directly in front of me and put her hands on my shoulders, looking up into my face. She was over a head shorter than me, but I had gotten used to that. Even some men had to look up at me. Yet another reason I was still a spinster.
Wilma gave my shoulders a quick squeeze and turned to leave.
“Come again soon,” I invited.
She turned her head toward me. “Thank you, I’m sure I will.”
With that, she was gone. I looked up at the clock. Sure enough, it was high time to get supper started. I hurried over to the chair, picked up the Bible and put it back on the shelf before rushing into the kitchen. “Well, Da, supper’ll be a few minutes late. I hope you won’t get too angry about that.”
