Chapter 4

“Good morning, Miss Stuart,” Pastor Jenkins greeted me. I unconsciously put my hand into his offered one and we shook hands. My senses came back after the handshake and offered him something to drink. I stepped through the door onto the porch.

“No, thank you. This is a short visit and then I need to be on my way.” He settled onto the porch swing. I sat on the rocking chair suddenly glad Da had thought to put it out here for the summer. “I came here to welcome you to our church. I’m afraid I didn’t know anybody lived at this house. I have been rather busy or I would have come out to invite you to church when you first moved here.”

My eyes widened. “Oh, no, Pastor. You are mistaken. I have actually lived here my entire life. My family attended church for a few years when I was growing up. But then Da forbade us from attending. I decided to visit yesterday after an absence of almost fifteen years.”

Pastor Jenkins nodded and the corners of his mouth turned up slightly. “That puts a different light on the situation. Why did you suddenly decide to come back to church?”

My back stiffened. Who did this man think he was to assume I would tell a stranger that personal of an answer. “That is none of your business.”

Pastor Jenkins took a deep breath and nodded. “Well, whatever it was, I am glad it brought you back to the fold. If you ever have any questions about anything you read in the Bible, or anything I say in a sermon, please let me know. I am more than happy to answer them.” He stood. “I’d best be going now. It was good to talk to you, Miss Stuart.” He paused for thought as I stood. “I believe Mrs. Jones mentioned you live with your brother and father. Is there any chance they might attend church with you sometime? Perhaps I should go out and meet with them?”

“Caleb might attend someday,” I said, “but Da won’t. I don’t suggest you go out to meet them unless you want to be threatened and run off the property.”

“I guess I will be on my way. It was a pleasure to meet you, Miss Stuart,” Pastor Jenkins said, shaking my hand again.

I watched him walk to his horse. My mind wandered back to the day Jed left and I had stood in this same spot watching the doctor walk to his horse and buggy after giving Caleb and me a grim diagnosis about Da’s recovery.

“I won’t lie to the two of you. It’ll be a miracle if Iain lives,” the doctor said. “He needs rest and the best care he can get. His bandages should be changed at least every two hours and that salve needs to be reapplied each time.” He looked at me, concern deep in his eyes. “I don’t want you wearing yourself down to keep Iain alive.”

All I could do was nod. Jed was gone, Da was near death, and Caleb was as silent as ever. I kept my thoughts to myself, but with Jed gone and little possibility of ever getting him to come back, Da was all I had. I would do everything I could to keep him alive.

A sob caught in my throat as I came back to the present and realized yet again that I would never see Jed again. Not unless I did what Jed said and got saved. I hurried to open the door, took a deep breath, closed my eyes and nearly slammed the door shut in my hurry to cut off my renegade thoughts.

“High King of heaven, my victory won,

May I reach heaven’s joys, O bright heav’n’s Sun!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,

Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.”

I sank against the door as the words ran through my mind and the sob that had caught in my throat finally escaped. I don’t know how long I sat there sobbing and I really didn’t care. When the tears stopped, I swept them away, stood up quickly, and got back to my housework.

I spent the rest of the day working hard and not thinking. I knew that if I started to think, I would imagine too many things, all of which were now forbidden. All of them were impossible to either obtain or understand: God, a husband, Pastor Jenkins, Jed. No, I was needed here at home to cook and clean for my brother and father.

And clean I did. I scrubbed the kitchen from ceiling to floor. I dusted for the first time in months. I beat and aired out our two rugs. I dragged all three mattresses outside and let them air out. When all that was done, I cooked the fanciest meal I had made in years. I roasted a whole chicken I killed, plucked, and prepared myself; fried some potatoes, made buttermilk biscuits and even baked a cake.

When Da and Caleb came in for supper, I could tell the meal got Caleb suspicious. “This meal is great,” he said as I stood to clean up. “But why, Anna? It isn’t anybody’s birthday and I don’t recall any other reason we should be celebrating. Or is this supposed to be a funeral meal for Jed?”

I glared at Caleb. “No it isn’t,” I snapped at him as Da left the house. I clattered the plates together as I gathered them. I could feel Caleb’s eyes on me and refused to turn around. I knew what I would see anyway. He had always tried to be the concerned older brother, especially when Da stopped being concerned about me. He also somehow seemed to know what I was thinking, even when I didn’t know myself.

This time, he probably thought I was out of sorts because of Jed’s letter. For once, he would have been wrong. It was more than just Jed’s letter. The eyes seemed to not be on me anymore and as I turned to see an empty kitchen, I realized that Caleb had left. I returned to my thoughts.

Then again, maybe it was all about Jed’s letter. It was Jed’s letter that had gotten me to go to church which had sent the pastor over to visit with me. His letter had gotten me thinking about God. Not to mention his letter had gotten me thinking about what he’d said in it.

I started washing the dishes, scrubbing them with more force than was necessary, but Caleb was in the barn—probably fixing some of the tack—so at least I was safe from his observations.

“I don’t think the finish will come off that plate if you use only a dishrag and your hand,” Caleb’s voice said right next to me.

I jumped. I had been so absorbed in not thinking I hadn’t heard him come in. I put my hand over my heart. “Caleb! You shouldn’t sneak up on people like that!”

Caleb grinned. “I’m not really all that sorry. Now will you tell me what’s bothering you? I’ve never seen this kitchen so clean and I’ve certainly never seen you trying to scrub the finish off of a plate.”

I scowled and turned back to the dishes. “No, I won’t tell you. It’s nothing of consequence.”

Caleb threw his hands in the air. “Nothing of consequence? How can you say that? You never scrub any room from ceiling to floor. Not to mention I can’t begin to remember how long it’s been since you beat the rugs. And did I see you airing out the mattresses? It’s been even longer since that was done.”

Caleb lowered his voice. That usually meant he would soften it, but this time, his voice was hard as steel. “And you most certainly do not cook a big, fancy meal for no reason. You hate being inside for so long and you do not like to cook unless absolutely necessary. Anna Aishlinn Stuart, you cannot tell me this is all ‘nothing of consequence’ because I know you too well for that.”

I stared into the dirty dishwater without knowing what I was seeing as his words whirled around, in, out, and through me. After a couple of minutes of mutual silence, I whispered, “Caleb, please leave me alone. It’s nothing I’m willing to talk about right now, and I don’t want to talk about it with you. I can’t talk about it. I turned to face him, my hands clasped in front of me and my eyes avoiding his. “It’s something I need to work out for myself. I’ll be fine in a few days.” I hope.

Caleb tried to catch my eyes before he left, but I refused to let him and I knew all I would see in his was the pain of me rejecting his help. He left after a minute and I finished the dishes in peace. Or rather, quiet. There was no peace left in me. Where peace had been a few days earlier, there was confusion. My peaceful life was gone. My clean, orderly, peaceful life lay in shattered pieces all over. I felt more helpless than James. He was helpless to speak, I was helpless to do... well, to do anything.

When the dishes were finally finished, I trudged up to my bedroom and collapsed onto the bed. I slept fitfully all night. My mind was too exhausted to hold up the walls that had kept my thoughts at bay during the day. My dreams followed my thoughts with careful precision. Too careful. Though I remembered only bits and pieces of them, I knew I didn’t like a single one.

The next morning, I tried to read the Bible. I had hoped I could find some answers, but all I received were more questions. I knew, from what Pastor Jenkins had said, that I should ask God, but it felt awkward to talk to Someone I had purposely ignored for so long. Especially when that Someone had lived with me for my whole life without me ever acknowledging His existence until recently.

I was glad when noon came around. I could distract myself with making, eating, and cleaning up lunch. After lunch, I put on my shawl and boots and went outside to walk around the yard. I had started to walk to our small orchard to see how the trees were surviving the mild winter when someone called my name. I looked up and saw Wilma coming down the road toward the house.

“Anna!” she shouted as she ran toward me. “I hoped you’d be home.” She was breathless when she arrived at the edge of the orchard. “Do you have time for a visit?”

“Oh, good! Ever since I saw you at church on Sunday, I have been dying to come out and hear what you think of church. I know you haven’t been there for a few years and it must have been quite different.”

“Yes, it was. Quite different. Last time I saw it through the rosy eyes of a child. This time...” My voice trailed off and I stared into the distance.

I scowled. I looked away and debated what to say. Should I say what I wanted to or should I soften it? Turning my eyes back to Wilma, I stiffened my entire body and clenched my jaw. “This time I saw it for what it really was. A place for hypocrites to go feel good about themselves, repent of their sins, and do whatever penance necessary so they can go back to their sinful ways the rest of the week and still call themselves church folk.”

I looked away and sighed. “I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. I’ve been overwrought, emotional, and snippy the last week. I’m not usually...”

“No, I understand,” Wilma interrupted. “I agree, some churches are like that and some church goers are as well. In fact, some of them need to hear that.” Wilma laughed which was the last thing I ever expected to hear from her after my outburst. “You are quite right, but you also need to remember that not all church folk are hypocrites.”

I gritted my teeth and nodded. “Shall we go inside and get something to drink? I can make some tea.”

Wilma smiled. “Tea sounds wonderful, if you don’t mind.” She followed me into the house. I added some wood to the woodstove and put the peppermint leaves into the teapot on the stove. Wilma watched as I stirred it until it almost reached the boiling point. I poured three cups of peppermint tea and left the third cup on the back of the stove. Wilma was already sitting at the table, so I joined her.

“Well, you obviously didn’t really like your visit to church,” Wilma began.

“Actually, I did like some parts of it. I met two boys before church. They remind me of my little brother.” My voice grew quiet.

I looked down into my cup of tea and watched it twirl around. “I suppose—since he claimed to be a Christian—he is in heaven now.”

I took a deep breath and fought the tears welling into my eyes. “We found out last week; he’s been dead over a month.”

Wilma reached over and patted my arm. “I’m so very sorry. It must be hard to lose your little brother.”

“I practically raised him as my own. Mama died giving birth to him, so I had to be Mama and sister to him. He ran away on his fourteenth birthday and we never saw him again. That was nine years ago. He became an outlaw and was hanged over a month ago when his crimes finally caught up with him. Apparently a meddlesome sheriff and some of his family and friends convinced Jed to get saved while he was in jail.”

Wilma jerked her hand back. “What do you mean by ‘they convinced Jed’? He wouldn’t have gotten saved if he hadn’t wanted to or felt the need to.”

I waved my hand in the air as if dismissing the thought. I refused to think that way. If I did, I would have to admit I needed to do the same thing Jed had done. “Well, you may not want to associate with me. I come from a family of sinners—one of whom was an outlaw—we muddle along without church as best we can. As you can see, I’m not exactly stellar company.”

“Jesus associated with tax collectors and sinners. When the Pharisees asked Him about it, He said something like, ‘A physician doesn’t tend to the well, but to the sick.’ You’re not getting rid of me that easily, Anna Stuart.”

“I think I already knew I was in for a friendship that would require some pretty hard work.” Wilma’s face looked serious. I had to wonder if she really was serious.

I had no idea what to say. What does a person say after she admits to being unfriendly, from a family of sinners, and having an outlaw brother? I decided not to say anything. Instead, I stared into my cup of tea. The drink was getting colder as the minutes ticked by in silence. I swirled the liquid around the cup, watching stray peppermint leaf pieces spin around the opposite direction.

When Wilma’s voice broke the silence, I nearly jumped out of my skin. I had almost forgotten she was still there.

“The kitchen looks different from when I was here last. Did you do something to it?”

I blushed. Really and truly blushed. I hadn’t blushed in years and now I was blushing from complete embarrassment. How was I supposed to answer that? “Um, yes,” I stammered. “I scrubbed the whole kitchen the other day.”

Wilma nodded as she looked around her. “Yes, that’s what it is. The kitchen almost sparkles. You did a very good job, Anna. I wish I had the gumption to do it. How did you get up the energy? Wasn’t it too hot to do it in here with the stove going?”

“I’m used to the heat here. Believe me, it gets much hotter in July.” I purposely didn’t answer her first question. I should have known she would persist.

“Regardless of that, how did you get up the energy to do it?” She forced a laugh. “Now that I ask it, I must sound like a lazy woman.”

I shook my head. “No, you sound like someone who doesn’t like to do something that isn’t really all that necessary.”

Wilma had a mischievous look in her eye as she shook her head. “You, my dear, are avoiding my question.” She wagged a finger at me. “What don’t you want to tell me?”

There was a laugh from the door behind me. I spun my head around to see Caleb standing in the doorway.

“Good luck getting an answer from her, ma’am,” Caleb said with another laugh. “She’s one of the most stubborn women I’ve ever seen.”

Caleb rolled his eyes before turning to Wilma. “Since my sister doesn’t seem to want to make introductions, I’ll just have to be forward. I am Caleb Stuart. Who might you be?”

Wilma took his offered hand and shook it. “Wilma Gardner. My husband and I recently moved to a farm near here. While I was in town about a week ago, I was told Anna lived nearby and decided to try to make friends with her.” Wilma hazarded a glance toward me with a wink and a grin. “I think we will be fast friends soon.”

Caleb threw his head back and guffawed. “If you can get my icy sister to warm up to you, then you have some sort of magical gift.”

I glared at Caleb, but it only made him laugh harder. “Why are you in here at this time of day, Caleb?”

“See what I mean?” Caleb asked Wilma. Turning to me he said, “My dear sister, I am here simply to annoy you and to steal some of the tea you so graciously made for me.”

“How is it stealing if I made it for you? And how did you know I had made some?”

“I smelled the leaves being poured into the pan,” Caleb said with a straight face.

Caleb grinned and picked up the extra cup I had poured. “Is this anybody’s?”

I gave him my sweetest fake smile and said, “Yours, of course. I poured it specifically for you. Now take it and get out of here.”

Caleb saluted with his right hand, sloshing the hot tea on his hand. “Ouch,” he said as he licked the hot liquid off his hand. “Yes, ma’am!”

“And he has little interest in getting married,” I said. “Although I don’t know why.”

There was a lull in the conversation as we each tried to come up with something else to say.

“I overheard a few of the busybodies at church talking about Pastor Jenkins.”

Wilma blushed. “No, not really. They were talking about trying to hitch him up to one of the single ladies at church. Talking about Caleb reminded me of it.” Wilma shook her head. “I just don’t think he will go for their matchmaking schemes. I haven’t known Pastor Jenkins very long, but he doesn’t seem like the type who would like their scheming.”

I stared at the wall behind Wilma. “I think you’re right. He seems more the type to wait patiently on God’s leading.”

“I kind of have a sense for people,” I shrugged. “I sometimes scare myself at how accurate I am.”

For the first time in days, I smiled. It was a bit hesitant at first, but it slowly stretched out across my face. “Yes, it could.”

Wilma glanced up at the clock. “Oh dear! I better get going or I will get supper on late again.” She jumped up out of the chair. “Thank you for the tea. It was delicious.”

She turned to leave, but then turned back and came around the table and astonished me by giving me a hug. “I don’t know what’s going on with you right now, but I encourage you to read the Bible and pray to God for help in understanding it.”

Wilma let go of me and walked out of the house. I stood staring at the door for the longest time. When I finally realized what I was doing, I shook my head in confusion. Why in the world am I staring at the door? Then I remembered. The hug. The first real, spontaneous hug I had received since before Mama died and from someone I barely knew, no less.

A tear worked its way down my cheek, resting in the corner of my mouth. I shook my head to get rid of the helpless feeling and went back to the kitchen to get supper ready.