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The next Saturday night, after Da was in bed, Caleb spoke to me about church for the first time since Monday. “Are you goin’ back tomorrow?”
“To church?” I asked, stalling for time.
“Yeah.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, keeping my eyes away from Caleb. “I haven’t decided yet.”
Caleb was quiet for a few minutes. I kept my eyes on my mending and assumed that would be the end of the conversation. Then he said, “I think you should go.”
My head snapped up and I furrowed my eyebrows. “What? Why?”
Caleb shrugged. “Even though you were a bit out of sorts, you seemed to be a little more peaceful. And all you can talk about is those two boys. Go back for them if nothin’ else.”
A smile crept its way onto my face. I turned my eyes back to the shirt I was mending. After stitching up a hole, I said, “You’re sure Da won’t mind?”
Caleb grinned. “If you’re gone before he can object, he can’t do anythin’ about it.”
I chuckled. “True. You’re sure you want to deal with him, though?”
Caleb’s grin disappeared and he shrugged again. “I don’t mind. He knows he can’t do much to me.”
I nodded. “I’ll go.”
***
The next morning, I found myself walking down the road toward town and the little white church. “God,” I said, “I don’t really know why I’m doing this. Caleb thinks it’ll be good for me and I trust his instincts. But last week,” I paused my prayer—or talk—as a wagon rattled past me. “Last week, I felt like I’d been hit in the head by a ton of bricks. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I act and feel like Wilma seems to?”
No answer came during the rest of the walk to town, but that didn’t surprise me. I walked into the churchyard and saw James sitting by himself again. I smiled in anticipation of our lively attempt at conversation.
I kept my eyes in front of me, while also keeping an eye on James. I was almost across the churchyard when a male voice called my name.
“Anna Stuart?” the man sounded incredulous. The way he said it made it sound like it was a miracle I still existed.
“Yes?” I asked, turning to look at him. I stiffened when I saw who it was. Justin Roberts, the biggest bully in school when I was growing up.
“What are you doing here?” Justin asked.
“Going to church,” I stated.
“Well, yeah, I know that. Obviously if you are at a church on a Sunday you’ll be going to the church, but...” He paused and furrowed his eyebrows. “I thought you didn’t go to church.”
“I thought the same about you. And I didn’t until last week, when I decided to start coming again.”
“I’m visiting my parents,” Justin explained. “I decided not to fight them today, so here I am.” His cocky grin and obvious attitude annoyed me as much as it ever had.
“Good for you,” I said. I knew my voice held no conviction, but I didn’t really care. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, there is a little boy I would like to talk to.”
“You always did like the boys, didn’t you?”
I gritted my teeth at his implication and walked away to the relative safety of James’ tree stump.
“Hi, James, how are you today?”
James shrugged.
“Hi, Miss Stuart!” John said as he joined us. “James was hoping you would be here today. We want to teach you some sign language so you can talk to him better.”
I restrained my excitement. “That sounds like a wonderful idea.”
The time before church started was hard, but rewarding. By the time we had to go inside, James and I had had a fairly long conversation. After learning so many signs, my mind was distracted during church. At least, until Pastor Jenkins commenced his sermon.
“Please turn in your Bibles to Matthew chapter seven.” Pastor Miles Jenkins waited until the rustling of pages quieted down. “We will read verses seven through twelve.”
“‘Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
“‘Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.’
“This passage talks about those who know something about God’s kingdom, but still seek out His will for their lives or have yet to come to know Him as their personal Savior. There is a big difference between going to church and knowing Jesus personally. Those who only go to church without a personal knowledge of Jesus Christ will go to hell.
“Are you one of those people who comes to this house of God, but you don’t read your Bible or know Jesus as your Lord and Savior? Or perhaps you are one of those who believe that all the good deeds you do will get you to heaven. The Bible is very specific and clear about that very issue.
“In this passage, Jesus explains how to know Him as your personal Savior in a simple, yet difficult, formula. Ask, seek, and knock. Ask God your questions. Seek His answers in the Bible through prayer and asking your pastor or a friend who knows the Lord. And then comes the hardest step: Knocking. Knock on the door and ask God for His free gift of salvation.
“Why is this part so hard? Because we think salvation should be harder than simply knocking and asking. I have heard the question, ‘Don’t we have to DO something before God will accept us?’ many times. Or sometimes it is said this way, ‘Isn’t there something we can DO to earn God’s favor?’
“The Bible answers that question with a resounding ‘No’! No, there is nothing you need to, or can do to earn salvation. Ephesians 2:8-9 says, ‘For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.’ Faith, not works. I guess we should add that to the list. Ask, Seek, Believe, Have Faith, Knock, Accept. That’s all there is to it. Simple? Perhaps. But Belief and Faith do not come easily.”
Pastor Jenkins looked toward the back wall; his eyes avoided eye contact for the first time during this sermon. “Although I grew up in a God-fearing home, I had a hard time accepting it for myself and making Jesus my personal Savior. And even after I came to a personal faith in Christ, having faith was often hard. When I knocked and accepted Jesus as Lord of my life, keeping my faith in line with God’s Word was, and is, the hardest thing I have ever done. Yes, even harder than watching my wife die. Even harder than accepting that her death would ultimately be for the best somehow.”
Pastor Jenkins cleared his throat and wiped the tears out of his eyes. “But that faith is what brought me through all those trials and it will continue to do so in the future. Every day I struggle and every day that I persevere is sweeter than the day before.
“How many of you have faith, but struggle with it? Know this, God is stronger than your trial or temptation and, if you ask, He will help you and guide you through.
“How many of you have yet to believe and put your faith in Him? God is seeking you. Do not hide from Him like the Old Testament prophet, Jonah, did. Jonah was told to warn the Ninevites that they needed to repent or their city would be destroyed. He disobeyed, thinking he could hide from God. God found him and Jonah spent three days and nights in the belly of a big fish. When God let him out of the fish, Jonah completed his mission.
“God seeks you just as you are. He knows you are a sinner condemned to hell. All He cares about is that you come to Him so He can save you from an eternity without Him. God does not want a single person to go to hell.
“Are you hiding from God today? Why are you hiding? Is your faith less than you desire it to be? Trust God and ask Him for help. Seek His face. Believe He can help you. Have faith He will accomplish His work in you. Knock on His door and accept His help and be ready for Him to want you to change.”
Pastor Jenkins looked over the sanctuary. For a fleeting second, I thought he looked me straight in the eye, asking me those questions personally. Then he concluded, “Let us spend a minute or two in silent prayer. After that time, I will close us in prayer.”
I bowed my head, thinking that I would go through the motions of pretending to pray. As silence filled the sanctuary, the question, “Are you hiding from God today?” flooded my mind. God, my heart cried. I am hiding from You. I am hiding by going through the motions of attending church and reading the Bible. I am hiding behind my anger at You for taking Mama and Jed away from me. I believe. I really, truly believe You died for my sins and can save me. Help me have faith to trust in You. I am knocking, Lord. I need you in my life. All I’ve done is make a mess of it.
Tears were streaming down my cheeks and I didn’t dare look up until I had them under control. When I heard people walking past me, I realized I had missed the closing prayer and altar call. I took a deep breath and wiped my cheeks with my handkerchief. I blinked my eyes rapidly to clear out the rest of the tears and slid out of the pew.
***
Once outside, I took another deep breath of clean, fresh air before trying to escape the church yard and getting stopped by someone. It didn’t happen.
“Hello, Anna,” Wilma said. “How did you like the sermon today? Did you have any questions about it?”
“The sermon was very good.” I hesitated before going on, “I...I prayed afterwards.”
Wilma’s eyes went wide. “You did? What did you say?”
“I talked to God. I told Him why I was hiding and asked Him to help me believe and to trust Him.” I shrugged, trying to act nonchalant.
Wilma squealed and hugged me close. “I’m so happy for you. That is wonderful! I encourage you to keep reading the Bible, but pray before you do. Prayer makes reading so much more meaningful.”
I gave a hesitant smile. I needed to process what my feelings about this were before I talked very much about it. Luckily, I was saved by two energetic boys who ran up to me and grabbed my arms, pulling me away from Wilma.
Wilma laughed. “I see you already made friends with James and John.”
I grinned and shook my head. “Yes, I did. I guess I’m supposed to go with them.”
James and John dragged me back into the church and we sat in the back pew where the two boys occupied my attention quite thoroughly. My head spun from all the sign language words they were teaching me.
I could read the signs better than I could “say” them, but that was fine since James could hear. I should say I could read the signs as long as he went slowly. But that was the problem. When James got excited—and he got excited easily—he talked much too quickly and I had a hard time keeping up with him.
John let out an exasperated sigh. We had been signing for over half an hour and James was signing something with quick movements. “James, I know ya get excited and it’s exciting that another adult is willin’ to learn how to communicate with you, but you gotta slow down. She cain’t read the signs that fast.”
James slumped his shoulders, put his hand in a fist, and put his fist on his left shoulder. From there, he moved it in a downward circle toward his left shoulder. I glanced at James’ face and he mouthed the word, “Sorry.”
I put my hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay, James. I’ve learned a lot today. Thank you for making my afternoon so enjoyable. Thank you both.” I gave John a nod. “I need to get back home now. I’ll see you two next Sunday.”
I walked home with a bounce in my step. The weight I had carried since hearing of Jed’s death was gone. Tears came to my eyes. I would still grieve his loss, but now I knew, really knew, what he had been talking about. It was true. I couldn’t wait to tell Da and Caleb.
My foot faltered and my breath caught in my throat. Da and Caleb. What would they think of this? I shook my head. I didn’t have to wonder what Da would think of it. He would rail and rage against it and forbid me from ever stepping foot in the church again. He would rant and rave about me “being as daft as me mither.”
I closed my eyes against the sudden onslaught of emotion and tried to think of Caleb’s many possible reactions. Curiosity, dismay, and—dared I hope—acceptance. Perhaps I should try to be an example. Show them the change rather than tell them. Was that cowardly of me or not? I had a sudden wish to have Wilma show up at that moment. I needed her opinion and wisdom.
Perhaps I should go visit her tomorrow. I stopped walking for a few seconds as I pondered the thought. That might not be such a bad idea. As I approached the fence, I made up my mind. I would wait to tell Da and Caleb until after visiting with Wilma.
