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As we walked from the Gardner’s to home, I decided to broach the subject of Caleb. “Would you be able to help organize a house raising for Caleb?”
Miles blinked. “Why does he need a house?”
“He’s thinking about getting married and Da said he needs to have his own house.”
Miles stared at me, confusion written all over his face. “Wait! He’s thinking about getting married? Since when?”
“It hasn’t been for long. I only found out about it yesterday.”
“How long has he been courting this woman?” Miles asked.
“He hasn’t. He’s been writing to her for about two months.”
Miles’ confusion deepened. “A mail order bride?”
I nodded.
“And he’s thinking about marrying her?”
I nodded again. “I delivered the letter today that asks her to come out here in about four months to meet him, if she still wants to and after he sends her the money. That will give him most of the winter to get the house ready. When she comes, he’s going to give her a week or so to decide. If they decide to, they’ll marry then.
Miles stared into the distance ahead of us, deep in thought. “Where’s that put you after he gets married?”
My mouth went dry as I remembered Da’s threat, one I was sure was not empty. “I don’t know.” I chewed my lower lip. “If Caleb doesn’t become a Christian between now and then, I should still be able to stay with Da until...God provides something else. Even if Caleb were to offer to let me stay with him, I probably wouldn’t accept after he gets married.”
Miles stopped walking and turned in my direction, a look of incredulity just visible on his face in the semi-dark moonlit night. “What did you...? Did you say that if Caleb does NOT become a Christian you’ll be able to stay with your pa?”
I avoided eye contact with him and laughed nervously. “Yesterday was a very interesting day. I was accused twice of corrupting people. One person accused me of corrupting John and James in an evil way and another accused me of corrupting Caleb in a good way. Biblically speaking, I mean. Da said that if I ‘corrupted’ Caleb and he became a Christian, Da would kick me out before I knew what was happening to me.”
Miles visibly tensed and his jaw worked back and forth as he tried to keep his mouth shut. “Would he actually do that?”
I nodded.
“Why?”
I leaned against a nearby tree and hugged myself. “Mama was a devout Christian, but Da feels God failed her when Jed was born. Da’s the reason I had to stop going to church after Jed turned ten. He felt church was for sissies and Jed was a young man by then. During the next four years, I didn’t know God personally, and received no teaching about God. After Jed left I also felt like God had failed us somehow. I became disgruntled with the church people—who didn’t really reach out to help me, even right after Mama’s death—the townspeople who stuck their noses in the air when I walked by, and worse, I got tired of living. So I didn’t go back to church until several months ago when I realized I couldn’t do it all on my own, no matter how hard I tried.”
“I’m glad you came back. I wish it could have been for different circumstances, but I am glad you came back to church.”
“Thank you. I am, too. I never would have found Christ if it weren’t for Jed’s death. And I never would have found a purpose for my life either. I have truly seen how God’s plans are always better than ours, even when we least expect it.”
“On another note,” he said with a quiet chuckle, “what is your greatest, deepest dream or desire?”
I laughed. “That’s easy. I have always wanted to be a wife and mother.”
“Always?” He sounded surprised.
“Always. Why do you think I begged Da to keep Jed? What about you?”
Miles looked sheepish. “Well, when I was younger, I wanted to become a world famous preacher.” I smiled at his shy admission. “Now, I just want to be a good dad and follow God’s leading with my pastoring.” His voice got dreamy as he continued, “I also wanted to have a whole passel of kids.” His voice broke. “After James was born, Doc Claybourne said we would never have any more kids. James’ muteness was most likely caused by his difficult birth and Rebekah was pregnant when she died.” The last admission was said so softly I barely heard it.
Tears welled up in my eyes and my voice refused to work. All I could do was put a comforting hand on his forearm and whisper, “I’m so sorry.”
I felt Miles take a deep breath and he cleared his throat. “She and the baby are much happier now than they ever could have been down here and for that I am grateful.” He paused to blink his eyes and clear his throat again. “Is there something you would like to know about me? Something no one else might have thought to ask me before?”
“Hmm,” I said, putting a finger to my chin. “I’m not sure. Let me think a minute.” I searched my memory for something I wanted to know about Miles. It took less than a minute. “If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?”
Miles opened and closed his mouth a few times. “I...that is a good question. I’m not really sure.” He was quiet for a few minutes while I watched his face. His jaw worked and his eyes darted around as if searching for the answer in the moonlight. “I would have to say I would still be a pastor. It’s always been what I wanted and I don’t think that has changed any.”
We began to walk again. I had the feeling we were both at a loss for words. It was uncomfortable being in this in-between state. Not quite just friends, but not quite anything deeper, either. We were both unsure of our footing and unsure what to do next.
I was the one to break the silence. “Is there anything you wanted to know about me?”
His answer was almost immediate, “Why did you retreat from society after Jed left?”
My steps faltered just inside the clearing near our house and my breath hitched. “I had very few friends growing up because as soon as school was done, I had to get Jed from the neighbor lady or one of the other women from church, clean the house, do my homework, and make supper. The ladies from church helped me out some, at least for awhile, but by the time I was twelve, I was on my own completely. I had one friend who would come home with me sometimes and help me take care of Jed and clean the house. Sometimes we would do our homework together, too. But after we both were done with school, she wasn’t able to come over very much and I was too busy to go over there.
“I don’t want to make my da sound like a horrible man, he isn’t, but there are some things he did that were very wrong. He blamed Jed for Mama’s death. Sometimes I wonder if he blamed Jed more than he blamed God. He hit, beat, or whipped Jed almost every day. If Caleb or I interfered or tried to talk Da out of it, he would take us aside after and threaten us with the same beating or he would sometimes threaten to give Jed twice the beating because we dared to speak up.”
I tried to speak with as little emotion as possible, but failed as the tears ran down my cheeks and my voice faltered. I took a deep breath before continuing. “When my friend got married and moved away, I had no more friends left in town and I didn’t have time to try to make any new ones. I also had a terrible load of guilt for letting my little brother get beat up every single day. Even though I knew there was nothing I could do about it, I felt like I failed him. I wish I would’ve told Jed that I tried to stop the beatings. I wish I’d been brave enough to do something. Maybe Jed and I could’ve run away from here and made a life somewhere else. I don’t know. I wish I could’ve done something. After he ran off, my guilt increased and I felt like everybody in town would judge me. They might not’ve known what had happened, and they certainly didn’t know that I thought I was at fault, but I still felt as if they were judging me.”
My tears escaped my closed eyelids faster, and I didn’t try to stop them anymore. Sobs tried to wrack my body, but I managed to steel myself against them.
Miles was quiet and I wondered what he was thinking about what I had said. Was he the type of man who hated it when women cried? Did he get uncomfortable and... The thought flew right out of my head as his arm wrapped around my shoulder and he pulled me closer to him.
I stiffened when his hand touched my opposite shoulder, but he whispered softly, “You can cry, Anna. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you. And if I’m not mistaken, you haven’t expressed your feelings on this before or shared them with others. You have a lot of pent-up emotions trapped in you.”
I nodded, my head hitting his shoulder. “How do you know me so well?” I asked in a hoarse voice.
“God.”
We were both quiet for a minute until my tears slowed down. “Thank you.” I pulled away from his comforting embrace.
“That’s what friends are for,” Miles said, a smile sounding in his voice. “Friends are there to provide a shoulder to cry into as well as being a shoulder to lean on.”
I smiled and a small laugh escaped my lips. “It’s nice to have a friend again. Well, two, I guess. You and Wilma.”
“What about the boys?” Miles asked with a twinkle in his eyes.
I swatted him. “They’re a different kind of friend. More of a...well...more of a mother-son relationship.” My cheeks flamed when I realized what I had said.
“That’s a good thing,” Miles said. “Even if we don’t end up getting married, they still need to have a mother figure in their lives.” Miles led me to the porch at the front of our house. “It’s getting late and I suppose I should head home and make sure the boys are in bed.”
I paused at the bottom of the step to the front door. “Yes, you should. Thank you for being a shoulder to cry into today, Miles.”
“You’re welcome, Anna. Anytime you need another shoulder, let me know,” he said with a wink. “And thank you for giving me some real, deep adult conversation for the first time in the last two years.”
“You’re welcome. I was happy to oblige. I will see you tomorrow for supper, correct?”
“Yes, ma’am. I wouldn’t miss your cooking for the world.”
I blushed. “See you then.” I opened the door and stepped into the dark house.
***
Miles watched Anna until the door closed behind her. He hoped Caleb had her da in bed by now. He knew Iain had gone home to do some drinking and prayed Anna wouldn’t have to deal with that on her birthday. He turned away and started walking toward home.
When he reached the road, he looked around. Seeing no one, he prayed out loud. “Dear heavenly Father, You know my innermost thoughts before I know what they are. You are the All-knowing One, Jehovah-Jireh, the Lord who provides. Lord, You are the Lord of all Wisdom. I am in desperate need of wisdom right now. I can’t figure this out on my own and I know I am not supposed to even try to. Lord, what am I supposed to do? That fork in the road is coming faster and faster. I don’t want to get there too fast, but I feel my feet trying to run faster. Are Anna and I supposed to be just friends or do You have more planned for us than that? I always thought people were given only one chance at love and one perfect mate. I thought Rebekah was that one. Now...” He stopped to gather his thoughts and let a wagon with a late night traveler rattle past him.
“Now, I am starting to have feelings for Anna. Is it simply because she is the first person—the first woman—who has broken through the defenses I built up after Rebekah’s death? Or is this really something else? Am I really falling in love with her or not? And then there is the ultimatum from Iain. God, what am I supposed to do about that? I know Caleb will do everything he can, but if Iain kicks Anna out and Caleb can’t do anything...” He drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Lord, lead me in the path You desire for me and do not let me stray. I need Your wisdom, O Lord. As Anna’s favorite hymn says, ‘Be Thou My Wisdom, O Lord of my heart.’” He stopped at the edge of the church property. “Guide me as I learn to walk this new path. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
