I was laying on my bed staring at the ceiling, trying to digest everything Jane had said to me. Hershey was curled up on my stomach snoozing. I looked down my body to watch him rise and fall with each breath I took.
Jane did not know just how much she’d affected me. Her generosity captivated me. Not only did she offer me a computer and a summer job, she offered me the chance to be someone special. Things like this never happened to me.
I reached across my body to stroke Hershey. He didn’t open his eyes, but he rolled over onto his back so I could rub his tummy; he didn’t need to see me to know my touch.
“What do you think, Hershey? What should Mama do?” I quietly asked him.
My mom gently rapped on my door and opened it a crack, causing Hershey to wake up and roll back onto his stomach. “May I come in?”
“Yes,” I replied.
She walked over and sat on the edge of my bed and gave Hershey a gentle rub on the chin. He lifted his head high to give her better access.
“I just spoke with Mrs. Spenser,” she said. Mrs. Spenser lived next door to us. She was a nice older lady who worked at Wal-Mart with my mom. She actually helped my mom get the job.
“She is willing to give you access to her WIFI so you can use the internet.” Apparently I took too long to respond because she went on, “Oh come on, Ellen! Don’t tell me you’re going to insult Jane by not accepting her charity! Sometimes people help other people simply out of the kindness of their hearts. Not everybody has an ulterior motive.”
“I know that!” I shouted. Our raised voices startled Hershey and forced him to jump off me and dart out of the room. I stood up and watched him leave, then paced back and forth running my hands through my hair. “I just don’t want to….” I started to say something, and then realized I was revealing too much.
“You don’t want to what? Put forth all the effort?” Mom countered me, standing to face me.
“No! It’s not that,” I said, my eyes fixed on the carpet to avoid hers.
“Then what is it, Ellen?” she demanded.
I let out a deep sigh and plopped back onto the bed. How could I explain ‘what it is’ when I didn’t understand it myself. Jane was the nicest person I had ever met in my life. If I took money and a computer from her, and then failed, I would disappoint her.
I was afraid I would disappoint her.
Mom sat back on the edge of the bed and put her hand on my knee. “Ellen, talk to me,” she said. “What are you afraid of?”
I looked her straight in the eyes and blurted it out. “I’m afraid I will disappoint her.” There, I said it.
“Ellen, those that try and fail never disappoint. It’s the ones who don’t try at all that do,” Mom said.
I saw Hershey peeking in the doorway at us, his tail curled downward in tension. I gave him eye contact and patted my lap to show him I needed him to come back. He did; he jumped onto my lap and head-butted my arm, telling me, “Pet me!”
I looked at my mom and smiled. “Won’t he look handsome in his service animal vest?” I said.
Mom clapped her hands and reached out to rub Hershey’s head, “Yes, he will!” Hershey rubbed his cheek against her hand in affection.