THREE DAYS AFTER the countryside visit with Kellin, Issa went to her father’s library. She had always found books to be the best way of seeing the world anew, and she needed clarity now more than ever. Her life would change dramatically soon, but she would still have to remember who she was and to whom she owed her duty. She stared at the rows of books in the circular shelves all around her, as high as she could see, up to the stained-glass ceiling overhead that bathed the room in a blue-and-green tinged light. Her parents had designed this library, and it was one place that had nothing to do with neweyr or taweyr; it was about knowledge that could be written down and shared with anyone, weyred or unweyr.
But the library was not as comforting as she had hoped, and she was just leaving to go back to her own rooms when she saw Kellin.
“Princess Marlissa,” he said. “I was looking for you.”
“And why is that? Have you come to shout at me again? To tell me how fortunate I am and how easy my life is?”
“It is easy, compared to many others. You have privilege and wealth many others can only imagine.” He nodded at the books.
“You think I know nothing of hurt and darkness and sorrow?” said Issa, wishing again she did not argue with him every time she met him.
“You have lived your whole life protected by your father, by your servants, by people who love you,” said Kellin. “You are a princess who will spend her days with nothing more on her mind than what jewels and gowns will suit her best. Your greatest fear will be boredom, or perhaps an occasional cruel word.”
Issa gaped at him. “That is truly what you think of me?”
“And why should I not?” said Kellin.
“My life is not an easy one,” she said.
“No?”
“Do you think you are the only one who has faced loss? My mother died when I was only eleven years old, when I was just coming into my neweyr. The whole kingdom was looking at me to take her place, and I had no one to guide me. I was a child, a little girl who wanted to weep for her mother.
“Instead, I had to be a grown woman, with all the burdens and none of the friendships. When other girls were using their neweyr for fun, to connect with one another, I had to use it for the kingdom. Every breath I take, every moment of every day, even my dreams at night, they are for my kingdom.”
“And you think that is pain?” said Kellin. “Shall I tell you about when I discovered that Kedor was ekhono?”
“Yes,” said Issa. She could not believe his life was so much worse than her own.
“My father told me that it was up to me what to do. I could choose to reveal the truth and get the reward when Kedor was publically burned. It would be good for the estate to have the king’s favor. Or I could choose to take my brother to Weirland. We had to make the journey on our own, however. My father would allow me to take nothing from the estate, in case we were captured.
“When I returned home, my father simply handed me a list of tasks. He never spoke of my brother again. It was only about using my taweyr, always using my taweyr, and making sure it was seen clearly by all around.”
“Kellin, I am so sorry,” said Issa, putting a hand out to touch him. All her anger had melted away.
But he jerked away from her. “That is not what I came here to say,” he said.
Issa was confused. Did he despise her? Why would he tell her something so personal if he thought so badly of her? “Then what did you come to say?” she asked.
“I came to speak to you about Prince Edik,” he said.
Issa stiffened. That was the last name she had wanted to hear at this moment. Perhaps she was being childish, but she wanted to put off thinking of her dutiful future for just a little while longer.
“He must have a chance,” said Kellin.
“Edik?”
Kellin nodded. “To be other than his father is. To be better. I think you may be his chance.”
“When I am married to him,” murmured Issa.
“You must give him no reason to be jealous,” said Kellin. “If he suspects for a moment that you—feel anything for another—he will tell his father.”
“Ah,” said Issa. She stared into Kellin’s eyes, but he would not look back at her.
“King Haikor needs only an excuse for war. And perhaps not even that,” said Kellin.
“You think he would win, then?” Issa asked. She realized she would rather talk to him about this than have him leave her.
“Your kingdom does not have the strength to withstand him. Your focus has been on the neweyr here. In Rurik, it is the opposite: the neweyr has been sacrificed for the taweyr. And the more time passes, the more urgent it becomes for the kingdom of Rurik to be bolstered in neweyr.”
“You mean when Edik is king and I am queen,” said Issa.
There was a long pause. “Edik will need you,” said Kellin, his voice strained. “Do you understand what I am saying?”
Issa nodded. She understood perfectly. Edik needed her and Kellin did not. When she went to Rurik, she must not allow herself to think of Kellin as anything other than a servant of King Haikor, whatever she felt for him. And certainly she could not imagine that he felt anything for her.
“Good. Because all that I do is for my kingdom, for the thing that is greater than I am and will stand long after I am gone.”
Of course. Even his helping the ekhono, Issa thought. He did it for his kingdom. He knew the risks and he did not care about them.
“When you come to Rurik for the betrothal, you cannot sit back and think that the court in Rurik will be like this one. You cannot be sure that the best of intentions will rule.”
Perhaps he was trying to be kind, to offer her advice, but to Issa it felt only like criticism and it stung. “So you know what it is that I must become? You would shape the queen I shall be?” said Issa.
“I see the beginnings of strength in you. But you must become harder and more suspicious. You must see conspiracies before they come at you. You must hold the throne.”
“You want me to be like Haikor? Is that not what he has done?”
“Yes, he has.”
“With strength and steel?” said Issa. “With blood and death?”
“That is not what I mean,” said Kellin.
“No? But I should be flattered, I suppose, that you think so well of me. That you think I am worthy to be queen of your Edik.”
“I was trying to help,” said Kellin.
Was he?
Kellin bowed his head. “I must go.”
Coward, thought Issa as she watched him leave the library. But she knew that the word applied equally well to herself.