When Yuki misses her period during the fourth month living with him, she knows exactly what has happened. There is no self-delusion, no disbelief. When she sees the two pink lines there is a dread. Followed by hope. An unravelling of light leading to her future with Alex by her side and a baby in her arms. She sits there staring down at the plastic stick still warm with her urine.
(He is mine now)
And with this thought her shoulders drop, her jaw unclenches.
(I hold him inside of me. Alex is mine. He is mine now.)
That night, she sleeps deep for the first time in weeks, and in the morning when they wake, she tells him.
He is silent then says,
What?
Twice in quick succession, the second time more urgent than the first. Yuki repeats herself.
Alex gets out of bed.
What do you mean?
A baby.
A fly scrambles against the glass of the window.
But. We used a condom. We always use a condom. Are you sure?
Yes. I did test.
When?
Yesterday.
And you didn’t tell me?
I . . .
Fuck. Okay. Fuck. Um. Well, we should do another one. Sometimes they’re wrong, you know, especially the cheap ones. How much did you pay? For the test?
. . . I. I don’t know—
And then we can talk about options, but first we should . . . Right. You get dressed, or whatever. I’ll go out and get another test. Okay?
. . . Okay.
Okay.
Yuki doesn’t get dressed. She lies there trying to contain her panic.
He comes back and she pees on the stick and the two pink lines appear again and Alex laughs. It is a humourless laugh, and it hurts, but she doesn’t say anything. She is too busy watching him for signs of retreat.
Right, he says. Right.
His back is to her. The shower drips.
Alex?
He turns, mouth open. A fish caught in a net.
Are you okay?
. . . Yes. I’m fine.
Yuki knows he is not fine, so she smiles in resistance, and says,
I’m happy.
Which would have been true half an hour ago.
She touches her stomach.
You are?
Yes.
We. Come on, let’s get out of this bathroom, I can’t think.
She sits on the sofa while Alex stands, shifting his weight, crossing and un-crossing his arms.
Yuki wants to scratch her face off.
So. There are. Options. We have options. It’ll be very early in its term, I mean we’ve only been together for about three months for god’s sake, it’s not like—
He stops himself. Yuki shivers and bites her lip. A sudden urge to laugh comes over her.
She focuses on the floorboards.
We have options and I think we should talk about them. This has happened all very quickly and, you know. This is a big decision. I mean, you’re eighteen. Have you told your parents?
She shakes her head.
Right. Well. Maybe you shouldn’t tell them. For now. You know, I’m not sure how legal or— Alex swallows. Well, of course you’re old enough, but, I’m not sure they’d necessarily approve. And . . . Well? Come on, Yuki. What are you thinking?
I don’t understand. I’m happy. It’s good isn’t it? A baby.
But. You’re so young. This is. We’re so new, you know, it’s not like we’ve been together for years or anything. I mean, come on, you live in Japan. I live here. I mean . . . It’s just not realist—
Speak slower. Please.
Sorry. I just. I don’t think we should make any sudden decisions.
I’m not. I want the baby.
What?
She is quiet.
Yuki! Come on! You can’t be real. I know it’s—obviously, it’s lovely. And you know, we care for each other, but it’s. A lot. It’s a lot. You don’t want to be a mother, do you?
Yes. I do.
Alex scrunches up his face and looks at her as if she is mad.
But there are options. You can, you know, it doesn’t have to be a big deal, you can—
What, what can I do? I’m pregnant so I will have baby.
Don’t be naive! You can see a doctor! It will be quick, easy. It’s nothing to be afraid of or anything else. I’ll come with you, look after you. There might even be a pill that just. It won’t hurt . . .
He trails off as Yuki begins to murmur something under her breath. It grows in volume until Alex can make it out.
Baka, she says. Baka, baka!
She hits her head with her fist. Again and again.
Hey. Stop that.
Honto ni baka!
Yuki raises her fist again, but Alex catches it.
The first time he has touched her since the happy news.
Stop. Stop it.
She pulls against him but his grip is firm.
It’s okay, it’s okay . . . Please, Yuki.
She sags against him. He lets go of her arm. Hesitates. Then embraces her.
There is quiet and then,
I want the baby, she says into his shoulder. I want the baby.
Alex feels a wetness soak the front of his freshly laundered shirt.
Okay, he says. Okay.
*
Yuki monitors both baby and boyfriend as the weeks turn into months. Alex is kind, helpful, present. But there is also a part of him that is closed off from her. As Yuki’s belly grows, Alex shrinks from her. The idea of sex becomes stomach-turning—if he were to enter her, he might disrupt something inside, organs might erupt, life might be interfered with. He might bring about another.
Although Yuki knows she is pregnant, she doesn’t feel it. It isn’t until the fatigue hits that she realises she is sharing her body with another. The tiredness floors her. She stops teaching her violin lessons and mostly lies on the sofa watching daytime TV. When she has the energy, she writes letters to her mother and father that she never sends. Most days Yuki picks up her violin and plays a little, but she finds she cannot concentrate like she used to, that her mind wanders across notes and floorboards and windows, until she is lying on the sofa, staring at nothing, a cup of ginger tea, for the nausea, cold and forgotten beside her.
They go to the hospital for the first scan and there is the little thing in grey and black. The midwife tells her the baby is the size of a small plum and Yuki thinks of the unripe green plums her mama picks and soaks in shochu and rock sugar. The syrupy wine fermenting in the dark, waiting to be poured for celebrations. She wants to call her mama and say,
Today, the midwife told me the baby is the size of a plum. It’s growing. Have a glass of umeshu with Papa to celebrate. You will be grandparents soon.
I miss you.
But she doesn’t.
Yuki knows the pain she will inflict when her parents discover a foreigner has occupied their only daughter.
So, she waits until the twenty-week scan to be certain there is no going back. She has to know it is real. That she carries two beating hearts inside her body now.