There is a moment between wake and sleep where she simply is. Aloft between dream and consciousness in wondrous, sleepy ignorance.
Then she remembers.
She feels the wet between her legs and the hammering of her blood. Her adrenal glands working overtime, readying her body to fight against what has passed and cannot be undone.
She does not open the blinds for fear of what she might see in the full light. She does not know what to do with the sheets. She thinks of taking them back home with her, but all she has is a small rucksack and a stupid clutch bag. She thinks of hiding the sheets in the washing machine, but she knows the brown stains won’t come out without scrubbing and Vanish Oxi Action and luck. She sees herself creeping down the stairs like a cartoon thief, carrying a bundle of bloodied sheets and getting caught, red-handed.
She makes the bed, folding the white duvet over the bloody scene. She prays the cleaner is the one to discover the sheets. Or that he will have to deal with them. She does not know. All she knows is that she has to get out of the room before the walls close in.
She walks downstairs and David is in the kitchen making coffee. He smiles at her and asks if she slept well. She is so shocked to see someone that she doesn’t respond, so terrified that he will smell the blood on her. He asks her again and she apologises and says something about being half asleep.
She floats along the cold tiled surface of the kitchen floor.
You’re not leaving, are you?
Yeah. I— uh. Got to get back for my brothers. Nanny has Saturdays off so . . .
Why don’t they come here? We’re getting a slip and slide for the kids, God help us.
Oh. Haha. Yeah, maybe. Well, I’ll go home and see what . . . they say.
Okay, excellent, we’ll be waiting. And thanks so much for the song. It was really so beautiful. You and Hugo were just brilliant. Truly.
. . . Thanks.
You want some coffee?
No, I’m good. Thanks. I’ll see you soon.
She turns to leave.
Oh no, come on, let me give you a lift. If you give us two minutes, I’ll drive you.
Really, it’s fine. Honestly, I’ll just get the Tube.
I’ve gotta go pick up some bits from the butchers anyway. Well, I say bits, we’re actually getting a whole pig!
Oh. Right. Ha.
I know. We’ve got a spit and everything, it’s a little over the top . . . But anyway. Let me drive you! The station’s right by the butchers.
. . . Okay. Thanks.
Great, let me just wake Hugo, he said he’d help me carry the thing.
Oh no, no, honestly don’t worry about it. Really, I can just walk, it’s so close.
Don’t be silly, we were gonna go much earlier. Although of course he’s slept in. Wait here. Have some of this coffee.
Mei stands for a few seconds. She stands staring at an enormous glass vase with very convincing fake lilies in it, thinking about whether to stay frozen or run. She turns and starts walking down the hallway to the front door. Then stops—a humiliating scene ramming through her brain: Mei retreating down the street, David and Hugo sidling up to her in the four-by-four, him in the front seat looking down at her, Mei clambering up while he watches her struggle. More degradation.
So, she waits. She faces him. She hovers.
Her legs stick to the beige leather as she climbs up into the Range Rover. When she makes contact with the seat she flinches from the pain. She feels swollen and sore. She wants to take a thousand showers. The smell of iron floats up towards her as she pulls the car door shut. She squeezes her legs tight. Hugo sits up front, in tracksuit bottoms and a T-shirt, his hair messy, face bloated.
Okay, let’s get this pig!
David turns on the radio. Mei rolls down her window. The car creeps out of the driveway and down the road. The DJ on the radio talks about a summer giveaway with a winning prize of £5,000. Mei feels sick. She wants to vomit. She glances at the left wing mirror and catches Hugo watching her in the reflection.
He looks away.
When she gets home, she showers for so long and cries for so long then calls up her GP and books an appointment for the morning after pill and cuts herself (the first time in a long time) and watches a Disney movie with her brothers and orders pizza and puts the boys to bed and ignores Fran’s calls and drinks a bottle and a half of wine before falling asleep on the sofa.