CHAPTER 18

Blob Blog Globbenblog

Ahhhhhh!” the blob cried out in a relieved, masculine voice. “That feels soooo nice! Do you know how long I’ve been trapped in there?”

Nobody replied. We all just gaped at the pulsating mound of disgusting goo, which, by the way, didn’t smell any better now that it had been out in the fresh forest air for several minutes.

“No, I mean, do you actually know how long?” the blob asked, rolling toward us a couple of feet. We all instinctively took a few more steps back. “After the first few hours, it became hard to judge the passing of time!”

More awkward silence followed, and the blob rippled, seeming to deflate a little bit.

“Umm, hi?” I finally said.

“Oh!” it said. “So you can understand me? I wasn’t sure if I was saying it right. I haven’t spoken the Plain Tongue in a while. Thought maybe I was a bit rusty!”

“You . . . you speak more languages?” Ari asked.

“Of course!” the blob answered. “Only selfish, insular dolts don’t bother to expand past their one native language, no?”

We all kind of shuffled our feet uncomfortably. Aside from Stoney, none of us spoke anything but English,* or, in Lake’s case, the English version of Ancient Dwarven, which in reality was a lot more like regular English than like real, actual Ancient Dwarven.

“Oh . . . oh, I see,” the blob said. “Well, I’m sorry. I sort of pegged you lot as a bit more enlightened. But that’s fine. That’s okay. No reason we can’t still be pals! Right?”

As it spoke, it rolled toward us again. The festering stench was nearly overwhelming. Several of us stepped back, but I did my best to stay in place, not wanting to offend this thing . . . whatever it was.

“Right,” I finally answered weakly. “Pals. My name is Greggdroule Stormbelly. This is Ari, Glam, Lake, Froggy, Stoney, Tiki, and these three with the weapons drawn are the Sentry. But they mean you no harm. They’re our security detail, so they have to be extra cautious, you see.”

“Ah, indeed!” the blob replied, rather cheerily for a creature with an ax, a sword, and a mace pointed at it. “Caution is the cousin to survival, after all. My name is blaaaarfffttt.” The noise it emitted sounded like a kid stomping in the mud with big rain boots on. “Though, no doubt your unsophisticated and primitive tongues cannot pronounce that, so you can just call me Blob Blog Globbenblog. Or just Blob for short, if you wish, as my old master used to.”

“Master?” Ari asked. “You were . . . owned by someone?”

“Well, technically, yes,” Blob replied. “But I like to consider us more symbiotic friends, rather than associates of a proprietorial sort of relationship.”

“What happened to your old master—er, uh, friend?” I asked.

Blob deflated slightly, then rolled to the right and back again, as if nervously shuffling its “feet.”

“I don’t know,” he finally said. “He was quite displeased with me at the time we parted. In fact, he was always unhappy with me. Rightly so, too, for I am nothing but a worthless pile of feces. Not literally, of course. But this is what he always told me. I am not a good servant. I am not a good companion. I tried and tried to please him, to serve him well, but alas, I always failed . . . failed rather spectacularly, if I might add . . .”

Blob’s voice had become strained, and his gooey mass was dripping a yellow liquid all over the ground in what I can only imagine (or hope) was his version of crying. Either way, it only amplified his stench in ways I couldn’t possibly describe without offending nearly everyone reading this story.

“I’m so sorry,” Ari said. “Your old master sounds so mean . . .”

“Oh, no, no!” Blob said suddenly, lunging forward so quickly that Ari almost fell over trying to get away. “No, no, no, no. Don’t ever speak poorly of Master. He was a great man. Wise and noble. The wisest and noblest creature who ever lived! I would have died for him! Still would, if he were here . . . though I’m sure I’d fail at that task, too, somehow . . .”

“Oh,” Ari said. “Sorry . . .”

“We’re wasting time,” Sentry One interjected. “Let’s dispatch of this thing and move on, shall we?”

While I didn’t agree with her sentiment exactly, I did have to admit that we were wasting a lot of valuable time. We needed to press on. We couldn’t forget that Edwin had a pretty significant head start.

“Blob, we definitely mean you no harm,” I said, shooting Sentry One an annoyed glance. “But we must indeed continue our journey now. It was nice to meet you, though.”

“Wait! Can I not come along on your adventures?” Blob asked, rolling toward me, the stink almost making me choke. “I am a wonderful companion. And can provide many helpful services . . . or, well, I will at least try my best.”

I took a subtle step back and glanced at my companions. I could see in their expressions and shaking heads that nobody wanted this smelly, sort-of-annoying, poo-booger-blob to come with us on the journey.

“Um, well, see, it’s a pretty dangerous mission,” I said. “And I wouldn’t want you to get hurt or anything . . .”

“It’s the smell, isn’t it?” Blob asked. He rolled in a tight circle and shrank back against the boulder. “I’ve heard people speaking about my aroma before.”

“No, no, I mean, that’s not it . . .” I said. “What, what smell?”

“You don’t have to lie,” Blob said. “I’m not stupid. But I can’t help it. That’s just the by-product of how I consume the energy within the materials around me. I either smell this way or die. What am I supposed to do? Would you rather I die? Because if so, I will certainly acquiesce here and now . . .”

I felt horrible.

Were we really going to make an outcast out of this thing just because it had a smell that didn’t fit with what we’d always considered pleasant? I mean, his musk was nearly suffocating (like a combination of rotten eggs, the Souper Bowl, old diapers, spoiled milk, and vinegar), but it still didn’t seem fair to leave him behind because of something totally outside his control.

“Okay,” I said. “You may join us.”

“Greg, no!” Sentry Five whined.

“Blob is joining us!” I said louder. “But I want you to know, Blob, that this is a dangerous mission. You may—we all may—perish. You accept that risk?”

“Of course!” Blob said, clearly excited. “Yes. Yes, I will do what I can to help. You know, my old master once said that I was about as helpful as paraplegic mule, and though I don’t know what a mule is, or what paraplegic means, I can only assume it is something of great assistance in times of danger!”

Ari and Lake shot me a look. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, wondering what on earth I had just done. But I was going to stand by the decision. We did not have the right to discriminate against this creature based on his smell or appearance or general annoyance levels. At least Stoney seemed to be on my side.

“WELCOME!” he bellowed down in the general direction of the blob of pus and goo. “AGREEABLE CONVOKING ACQUAINTANCE!”

“Likewise!” Blob said. “I’ve never met a stack of talking rocks before! I mean, hah, now I’ve seen everything! No, I mean, literally everything. I bet there’s nothing left in this world I have not witnessed, aside from a mule, now that I have met a talking mound of stones.”

“Okay, then, yes,” I said, interrupting his babble. “Onward, Stoney?”

Stoney nodded and continued walking in the direction we’d been heading all day. As I strapped my new sword to my belt, I wondered if finally getting a suitable replacement weapon would be worth the addition of the slimeball it had unwittingly unleashed.

But, as with most things of such an unusual nature, only time would tell.