CHAPTER 25

Bigfoot Is Not Only Real but a Total Kleptomaniac

Why did you save us?” I asked.

Everyone was gathered around the base of the massive cutting-board tree stump. Ari, Lake, Glam, Froggy, Tiki and I stood on one side. Across from us were Edwin and four other Elves, including Lixi, Foxflame Farro (the skateboarding hippie religious cleric I’d met on Alcatraz), Wrecking Ball (the janitor from Alcatraz), and an older Elf I did not recognize.

The tension between the two groups was obvious.

The Elves still had their weapons drawn and had not offered to let us retrieve our own, which were scattered all over our campsite clearing, the banks of the stream, and the edges of the forest.

“That’s difficult to answer simply,” Edwin said. “And it also depends on how you’d feel about teaming up with us.”

“Teaming up?” I repeated back dumbly. “With you?”

“Yeah, you know, joining forces,” Edwin said. “Combining armies, a partnership, Elves and Dwarves working together like we always thought was possible back when the world was still the world and we were playing chess in Chicago just for fun.”

“Never!” Glam shouted. “We can’t team up with them; they’re the enemy!”

Several of the Elves glared at the imposing Dwarf with the immaculate mustache. Ari and Lake did their best to hold Glam back and calm her down.

“Don’t forget we just saved your lives,” Edwin reminded her. But his tone was graceful and not smug.

“You did,” I confirmed. “And for that we definitely owe you. But teaming up? I mean, no offense, but beating you to the amulet is, um, well, sort of the whole reason we’re here.”

“It will be a rather complicated arrangement, no doubt about that,” Edwin admitted. “However, circumstances have changed. We have a common enemy, one who must be stopped before we—or you—do anything else at all.”

“The Verumque Genus?” I said.

Edwin nodded.

“My spies have sent word that they are gathering their armies outside St. Louis now, as we speak,” Edwin revealed. “They plan to march toward Chicago soon, leaving a trail of death and destruction in their wake. They will take Chicago first, wiping out the Dwarven Council, then move on to the rest of the country. Eventually the world. Pretty much the only way to stop them is the amulet. With it, we could take away their ability to use magic, their control over their army of monsters. Without the amulet, well . . . the battle will be devastating, win or lose. But probably lose.”

I nodded slowly.

Even Glam said nothing, seeming to understand the dire importance of making sure at least someone found the amulet and stopped the VG Elves.

“And you think we can find it faster working together?” I asked.

“Yes, well, these woods have proven far more dangerous than expected,” Edwin said. “And I think we each have something to offer one another. And, well . . .” He stopped for a second, his eyes wide in revulsion and shock. “What in the world is that?!?!”

I spun around to see where he was pointing.

A huge ball of brackish brown-green goo rolled slowly into the clearing from the forest.

“Oh, that’s just our friend Blob,” I said.

“Hello,” Blob said. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Pointers.”

The Elves flinched at Blob’s use of a derogatory word.

“I mean, the last time I saw one was back in Houndwich, before I got trapped inside that boulder,” Blob said. “Master and I were out on a contract job, raiding a supposed Elven fence to recover Lord Gifferoy’s stolen scepter, when—”

“Not now, Blob,” I interrupted. “We’ve got critical things to discuss here.”

Amazingly, he stopped and rolled back a few feet, seeming to pick up on the gravity of our situation.

“He’s cool,” I said, turning to Edwin. “Sorry about the Pointer thing . . . He’s, you know . . . a blob.”

“He smells like a Troll’s loincloth,” the older Elf said.

“Hey . . .” Blob said, sounding hurt. “Well, you smell like a—like a—a . . . well, a very stinky thing, let me assure you!”

“He’s sensitive,” I explained to the Elf. “Anyway, Edwin, you were saying we could help each other?”

“Yeah,” he said, still eyeing Blob curiously. “You see, we entered this forest with a squad of twelve of my most skilled and trusted Elven warriors. This is all that’s left. The problem is we don’t know exactly where to find the amulet. And so we’ve been wandering aimlessly for days, encountering more dangers, and losing more of our crew. I mean, first there was the Basilisk. It killed two of us. Then there was the Elemental and the pack of Nymphs. And then of course there was the Bigfoot thing—”

“Bigfoot?” I said.

“Yeah, I guess he’s real,” Edwin said with a shrug. “At least he used to be, back in Separate Earth. Anyway, he didn’t actually harm us, but he did sneak into our camp and steal most of our provisions.”

“Weird.”

“Tell me about it,” Edwin said. “Anyway, that’s why I’m proposing we team up. You know where to find the amulet, I suspect. We’ve been tracking you, and you’re definitely moving with purpose. And we can offer you greater protection from the dangers that await. You know you need it. And, to perfectly honest, we also could use yours. We need each other to survive this mission.”

Edwin spread his arms out to remind me of the mess they’d just gotten us out of.

It was a solid point.

“Greg, you can’t do this!” Glam pleaded. “They’re lying! We can’t trust them!”

I ignored her and stared into Edwin’s intense sky-blue eyes.

“Stopping the Verumque Genus should be everyone’s number one priority,” I said, turning back to face my group. “And so I think he’s right. We need to get the amulet as soon as possible, so we can get it to the States and help end the VG Elves’ campaign of destruction before it gets started.”

“But what happens when we find the amulet?” Ari asked. “Who gets it? As we all know, after stopping the Verumque Genus, both of our groups will have very different plans for it.”

“That is certainly a conundrum,” Edwin agreed. “But I figure we can cross that bridge when we get there.”

“We’ll play chess for it or something,” I said, mostly kidding. “You know, the old let’s-put-the-whole-fate-of-the-world-on-a-game bit? A classic.”

Edwin knew I was kidding, but he still nodded.

“Maybe,” he said with a grin.

“Okay, well, since Dwarves do not run an autocracy like Elves do, with Lords and rulers and all that,” I said as Edwin rolled his eyes dramatically, “I will need to consult with my associates.”

“Okay, do what you must,” he said.

Ari, Lake, Glam, Froggy, Tiki, Blob and I huddled up about twenty feet away from the Elves.

“I think we have to accept,” I said softly. “They did already save our lives once. Plus, if it comes to blows here and now, we’re already hurt and tired and wouldn’t stand a chance.”

“Don’t tell me I can’t beat up a couple lousy Elves!” Glam said, her fists transforming into boulders at her sides.

“Greg has a point,” Ari said, trying to calm her. “I mean, we stand a much better chance of finding the amulet in time to defeat the Verumque Genus if we work together. And they did already save us, like Greg said. What better show of good faith could they possibly make?”

“I agree,” Froggy said, and left his argument at that.

“I suppose we really got no smidgen choice, then,” Tiki agreed reluctantly.

We turned to look at Lake. His wild tangles of blond hair were even more frazzled than usual, with bits of leaves and dirt dotting the matted kinks like forest sprinkles. He frowned and finally nodded.

“Tis pursuant ye collective benefit,” he finally said. “Thyne company alliance ye Elves, temporarily, in pursuit ye whereabouts of ye amulet.”

“Plus,” Blob added, even though nobody had asked him, “I really like the one called Edwin. Seems like a right good fellow, that one. I met an Elf like him once. Except it wasn’t a he, and it wasn’t an Elf. But it reminds me of this just the same. It was at a fair, I believe, St. Siggins Fair of Ulinore. Which is held every tenth month of the tenth equinox . . . or is it the seventh month of the seventh solstice . . . ?”

We all groaned and rolled our eyes and did our best to tune out the rambling blob.

“Okay, so we will accept?” I said. “The vote stands at five to one. Glam, will you be able to abide by the decision of the group?”

Her mustache, which had grown in substantially over the past few months, twitched as her fists returned to normal.

She scoffed and nodded.

“Of course I can,” she said. “I’m not some kind of uncontrollable, violent monster. Geez, guys.”

We grinned and walked back over to where the Elves were waiting.

“We’re in,” I said to Edwin.

“Great!” He grinned and slapped my arm. “Edwin and Greg: together again!”

I wanted to smile back, but a devastating reality wiped any trace of humor off my face.

“There’s just one problem with all of this,” I said somberly.

“What’s that?” Edwin asked, frowning.

“I’m pretty sure our friend Stoney,” I said, pointing at his severed arm on the ground nearby, “the only one of us who knew exactly where to find the amulet, is dead.”