CHAPTER 7

Come Back Strong

THE FOUR MONTHS BEFORE my surgery and twenty months after were the darkest period of my life. Surgical menopause rattled my cage and threatened to rob me of my confidence, sexuality, and motivation. And I’m no stranger to pain; I survived child molestation, an abusive relationship, divorce, and watched loved ones deal with disease. However, it was in the journey through the darkness that I discovered my purpose, deeper passions, and ultimately, joy. It was where I was forced to examine the spokes on my wellness wheel, so I could reclaim and maintain my balance. It was where I learned that setbacks are setups for comebacks.

 

Choices

Every one of us has a choice to follow faith or fear. We can fear the worst, thinking we are never going to be the same or get well, or we can have faith that every single day we are being healed, restored, and will come back stronger than ever. We can have faith that we’re not growing older; we’re growing more youthful, better, wiser, calmer, leaner, and stronger.

Have hope. You will get through this. BHRT and other natural solutions can help. But some symptoms will require hard work, a positive mental attitude, and patience. It may feel dark where you are, but light and joy will come again.

Part of faith comes with a decision. You decide today to be strong and believe that your current condition won’t beat you. You decide to look at alternative solutions. You decide to find joy right where you are and trust that happiness will follow.

You don’t have to be a victim of your circumstances. Two men grow up with abusive fathers. One continues the legacy of anger, jealousy, insecurity, and bullying. One breaks the pattern and focuses on love, always wears a smile, is confident and trusting. Same history, same experience, same circumstance, different outcome. And different impact on the world. The difference is how these two men chose to live their lives and whom they chose to become.

The same can happen with us. Two women. Both are thrust into sudden surgical menopause. One leans in, gains weight, and grows more and more withdrawn, melancholy, and defeated. The other woman does everything in her power to heal, live her passion, find her purpose, and lead a life of love, laughter, and freedom. Same experience, same circumstance, different outcome. And different impact on the world.

 

Discover Your Purpose

In my research on the symptoms of menopause, I heard from women who complained of a lack of drive or motivation. I could relate. At the time, I thought this was a new symptom related to menopause. Now, looking back with more perspective, I realize it was something I had struggled with for many years. Menopause heightened my sense of longing for purpose.

Don’t get me wrong, I live a beautiful life. However, in the past, there was always this angst, this unrest, this questioning, this … searching. Menopause brought it up for examination. I began to reflect on my past with a strong desire to heal areas of stress and trauma and confusion. I also began to look to my future and ponder who I wanted to be.

Who knew that all along what I was searching for was me, Lori. I was searching and waiting for myself to wake up, show up, take responsibility, and be the hero in my own life. And in becoming the hero, I found purpose. I found clarity. Knowing I could help others through their recovery has given me the drive to push myself to do more.

When your life has purpose, you have unlimited energy and joy. Psychologist Shawn Achor, one of the world’s leading experts on the connection between happiness and success, defines happiness as the “joy you feel moving toward your potential.”⁹

Think of your purpose as a present, as in a gift. Ask yourself, “Am I withholding myself or my gifts from the world? Am I living small? Or am I sharing myself, my gifts, my talents, and my message with those around me? Am I shining my light so brightly that I give others permission to shine theirs?”

Each one of us was born with gifts to share with the world, even if we don’t always know what they are. We can discover them at any time. About eighteen months after surgery, I began writing my purpose statement. This was where an awakening happened and I discovered my true passion and purpose as a writer. I started the statement with 400 words and then narrowed it down to one sentence.

 

I am a best-selling author inspiring people to live a life of true health, love, laughter, and freedom through my writing, speaking, and coaching.

 

In the beginning, I didn’t have a lot of confidence. This was a bold statement for someone who had only published in a magazine and on the web. But to this day, as I read this statement out loud, I feel it. I feel the presence of it, which shows up in the way I present myself to the world while presenting my gifts of courage, enthusiasm, persistence, passion, and authenticity to it. Who am I not to step into this purpose and become all that I was created to be?

In hindsight, my purpose was with me all along. True health showed up in many areas of my life. I’ve been an athlete all my life. I have a bachelor’s degree in recreation. I became a wellness coach and a sports nutritionist because I have always strived to live the healthiest life possible. It’s in my blood.

Love and laughter are also two constants in my life. I love deeply and I laugh often. I’m grateful to have found a partner who holds love and laughter as great values in his life. I believe everyone deserves to feel love and laugh daily. And it is our responsibility to share it wherever we go.

I discovered that autonomy is a pivotal need for me personally. Autonomy can be defined as self-governance or freedom from external control or influence, as independence. Two of my favorite words are wrapped up in this definition: freedom and independence.

This may make you laugh, but when I turned eighteen and registered to vote, I registered as an independent because I liked the word. Independent was what I wanted to be. Years later, as I left an abusive relationship, it was freedom I was seeking, and ironically, it came right around Independence Day, my favorite holiday. What I wanted at so many crossroads of my life was freedom. I wanted freedom in my body, freedom in my food, and freedom from suppression and feelings of guilt and shame. I wanted the freedom to be me. Unapologetic. Unashamed. Real. Raw. Me.

Another interesting fact? I’m an independent associate of a billion-dollar wellness company whose mission is to: “To impact world health and free people from physical and financial pain.” Again, it points me right to true health and freedom.

As true health, love, laughter, and freedom rose in me, I discovered that I not only wanted these things for myself, I wanted to inspire others to have them as well. Once I discovered the why, the how became crystal clear: through my writing, speaking, and coaching.

Discovering our purposes can be scary. We may have mindsets like Peter’s on the Sea of Galilee. His fears kept him in the boat, instead of stepping out on the water where Jesus was. We may stay “in the boat” too, not necessarily because it’s comfortable but because it’s familiar. At the same time, our hearts yearn for something more. Something great. We long to lead lives of passion and purpose. We long to “walk on water.”

I believe I have a unique purpose and ability to help others. As I worked through the healing process in my own life, I have learned that I have solutions to offer other women facing surgery or experiencing surgical menopause. To help, I don’t have to wait until I figure it all out. As I help others, I advance my healing.

 

Uncover and Embrace Your Passion

You may not know or realize your purpose right away. You can discover it by following your passion and living in your curiosity. During surgical menopause, you may discover, like me, that you are not passionate about your job. Maybe you never were. You may not be able to change that right now. What’s a girl to do? You can focus on all the positives … the hours, the proximity, the benefits, maybe merely that you earn a paycheck. And then you can pour your passion into other areas of your life outside of work, whether it’s through sports or fitness, art, music, dance, service, or philanthropy. Choose to focus on what you can change, and accept what you cannot.

For me, one of the places I’m most happy is on my bike. Cycling was something I loved as a child and then detoured away from in my late teens and twenties. Rediscovering this passion in my thirties was like a rebirth. Just like when I was a kid, I love riding my bike. I love sprinting, pace lines, climbing up hills, flying down hills, seeing new places, traveling further than I could on two feet, pushing my body, and feeling both exhilarated and exhausted. Riding my bike in beautiful places is my heart’s desire, and I get to do it with my best friend, Jim. Regardless of the circumstances of my life or even my menopausal symptoms, if I can ride, then life is good.

So often, we stop dreaming. We forget our first loves. We give up on our passions. It could be due to time or money. It could be because life became about the struggle instead of the dream. It’s time you gave yourself permission to dream. What was your passion as a child? Are you still doing it? If you don’t know what it is, get quiet. Your mind, body, spirit, and emotion are connected internally and universally. We can’t hear the still small voice pointing us in the right direction if we’re busy, tense, or stressed.

Spend at least fifteen minutes daily and in prayer or meditation. Buy a journal and write daily. Explore your past and remember points in your life you were most happy. What were you doing? Were you riding your bike? Gardening? Singing? Teaching? Working with your hands? Are you still doing it? If not, consider finding ways to bring it back into your life. My friend Wendy loved to sing and act through high school and college. She got married, had kids, and somewhere along the line stopped singing. Menopause caused her to reevaluate her life and in the process, rediscover her passion. She found a local theater and now enjoys singing and acting there on a regular basis.

My friend Sierra is a runner. She has competed at the professional level in marathons and triathlons. During menopause, she found purpose in coaching her son’s cross-country running team, while continuing to indulge her own passion for running.

 

The Next Chapter

What if surgical menopause is just what you need to turn the page and bring you to the next chapter of your life, where the real work begins, where you start really living?

Menopause can take a decade and can be a time of indecision, emotional turmoil, and frustration. Surgical menopause pushed me through at a much faster pace. Peace, harmony, joy, and purpose were waiting for me on the other side. My symptoms have not gone away completely, but I’m able to manage them better through the tools and practices discussed in this book.

Surgery led me to a life of service, inspiration, and love. It’s where I gave myself permission to live a pain-free and productive life. It’s where I learned self-love, forgiveness, and grace. I’ve grown more comfortable in my skin through this experience. I recognized my priorities and I became more interested in things like joy and freedom. I became more open to living my truth and listening to my heart. I no longer feel the need to ask for permission or to offer explanations. I don’t justify or defend. I live, love, and laugh. I am free.

For a long time, I was a great pretender. I pretended I didn’t know what the next chapter was or the next step. But in my heart, I truly did know what to do next. The answer terrified me.

What are you pretending you don’t know? What are you afraid of? Is it that the next step is to quit your job? Write a book? Leave your spouse? Go back to school? Start a charity? Go on a mission trip? Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a long time? Forgive? Ask for forgiveness? Love someone that is acting unlovable? Adopt? Give more? Any of these steps can leave a woman filled with fear, but there is no difference between something that scares us and something that excites us. To our bodies and minds, it’s the same exact thing.

 

A Time for All Things

Surgical menopause may be different for every woman, depending on her age, personal medical history, family medical history, stress levels, mindset, and lifestyle choices, including exercise and nutrition. There may be times you cry and times you laugh, times you rest and times you dance, times you heal and times you grieve. And a time when you rise. Finding balanced wellness after surgical menopause will take time and patience. Go within. Learn what you want. Figure out what you need. And come back strong.