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“Who were those men here the other day?” Reece asks, the moment I step through my front door.
I’ve been at work since six AM and I’m tired. I’ve been workin with Blanche and he’s more than made sure we’ve got our fair share of things to do. I’m working alongside him and another officer named Corey Shaper. He’s quiet and nice and he works well with us, so I’m glad he was the second choice on the case. Not one of the other arrogant assholes that will do nothing but drive me up the wall with their constant “you’re a girl and aren’t as good as us” comments.
“Daddy!” Jayden cries, rushing toward Reece and cutting off the conversation.
I hate to admit it, god to I hate to admit it, but I’m always glad when Jayden is here because Reece will never do anything stupid when his son is around. It’s only when we’re alone that he likes to let me know exactly who’s in charge.
I shudder at the memories that I keep locked away tight in my brain. Memories that I never want to unleash, because they’ll crush my very essence. I’m stronger now, braver, and yet still so incredibly terrified of the man standing before me. It’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t understand, how you can be so afraid of one person. I could take Reece down, I’m sure I could, hell, I’m a cop, and yet every time it happens I find myself weak.
My therapist said I defend him, that I’m continually giving reasons for his behavior. We’ve been trying to work on that, trying to make things a little clearer for me so that I’m better able to stand up for myself, yet every time we take one step forward I find myself right back to where I started. Which is exactly why I ended it, because if he’s not here then I have no reason to make up continual excuses as to why I allow him to treat me so badly.
I took the first step, now I just have to keep moving forward.
“How are you, baby?” Reece asks, scooping Jayden into his arms and kissing him on the cheeks.
It’s things like this, the moments where he’s holding our son, or playing with him, or making him laugh, that have me so damned confused. They trick my mind because I see this beautiful side to the man I once loved oh so deeply. I see this great father who loves his son unconditionally and my mind tricks me by bringing back the memories of when he loved me that deeply. When Reece was good, he was amazing. He treated me like the princess I always wanted to be.
But when he was cruel, he was a god damned monster that crushed my soul.
I shake my head and look away from the two of them as I walk into the kitchen and place my purse down. Reece tells Jayden to go and get his toys to show him, and as soon as our beautiful son runs off, he approaches me in the kitchen. The best thing with Reece is to keep calm; when I’m calm he tends to not lose his temper. I turn slowly and give him a small smile. He looks handsome today, which doesn’t help.
It doesn’t help that my body immediately reacts to the man in front of me, like a desperate, broken vessel. It leads me to him, it begs for him, everything comes alive and all I want is to feel his mouth on mine. It’s a sick obsession that is so toxic it scares me. I need to create distance, I’m just not sure how to do that with Jayden around. One thing is for certain, I need to change my locks so he no longer has access to my house.
I need to set boundaries.
Ones that I’m firm on.
Ones that he simply cannot cross.
I’ll never move forward if I don’t.
“Who were those men, Zariah?” he asks, stepping up close, giving me the smell of his cologne and the warmth of his body.
I grit my teeth, take a deep breath, and ask. “Why were you watching me?”
“I came to drop off some of Jayden’s things and saw you talking to them out front. I kept driving. I know they’re members of that biker club, what I want to know is why you’re hanging around them. Are you fucking one of them?”
Here we go.
“No, I’m not. One of their members is going through an investigation and I’m working on it. That’s literally it. They’re helping me because they don’t believe he’s guilty, and I’ve got full permission to work with them.”
Partial truth, partial lie.
It covers me, though.
“They’re a biker club, that’s not safe.”
“They’re not bad people, Reece. It’s part of my job. I’m not always going to deal with good people.”
He steps closer again and, this time, he leans down so his voice is a harsh whisper. “I don’t like you working with people like that. I don’t like your job. You know this. It’s dangerous, and I’m not happy about you dealing with members of a biker gang.”
“Firstly,” I say carefully, “it’s my job and it’s not changing. Secondly, we’re not together, Reece. We’ve broken up. I think it’s time we finalize that.”
He steps back, his face masked with anger and a little hurt, which bothers me. I hate seeing him hurt, yet at the same time I need to stand my ground. “You’re not giving me a second chance?” he asks, his voice raspy.
God.
Why does he have to make it so damned hard?
“I’ve given you so many chances,” I whisper.
He steps forward, placing his hands on my shoulders, a little too close to my neck for my liking. “I’m working so hard on fixing myself for you, Zariah. I won’t hurt you again.”
“You said that last time, and the time before ...”
His fingers tighten a little, a small warning. “I’m not giving up. I’m not going to just let you end this. We’re a family. We have a son together. You’re not going to fuck some biker.”
“I’m not fucking anyone, but even if I was, it’s no longer your business, Reece. We’re over. It has to be done. You need to stop coming here unless it’s to pick up Jayden.”
His eyes flash, and I know, I know the moment the words leave my mouth that I’ve made a mistake. He shoves me, hard, and I stumble backward before slipping and smashing into the cupboard. Reece storms over and grabs me by the hair, and it takes all my strength not to cry out, not to scream. I won’t do that to my son. He hauls me up with one hand and the other hand drives into my ribs where he knocks the wind clean out of me.
I drop to my knees.
Tears burn under my eyelids.
He stares down at me, panting.
I look up at him and rasp in a pained voice, “You won’t hurt me again, huh? You’re a fucking monster. A fucking horrible monster. I hate you. Get out of my house.”
“Zariah,” he says, his face suddenly going back to the compassionate, caring man that I fell in love with. He drops to his knees and grabs me, forcing me into his arms squirming. He wraps his arms around me, holding me tightly. “I’m so sorry. I just got so angry. I love you so much. I can’t imagine you with someone else. Don’t you understand? Please.”
“Mommy?”
We both look over to see Jayden standing with a big stuffed teddy in his arms. He looks to Reece, and then to me, and then his little lip wobbles.
“It’s okay, buddy,” Reece says, helping me to my feet. “Mommy just slipped over. She’s okay.”
Jayden looks to me, and my heart breaks into a thousand tiny pieces. He’s looking at me for an answer, something that’ll make all his pain go away. I force a smile onto my face and say, “Silly Mommy slipped on some water.”
He shakes his head with a smile. “Silly Mommy!”
With a happy skip, he takes Reece’s hand and leads him into the living area. I turn, gripping the side of the sink as pain radiates through my ribs.
When did I get so damned weak?
When did I let this man control so much of my life?
When did I get so damned pathetic?
I’m worthless.
Utterly worthless.
~*~*~*~
I PICK UP THE PACE on the treadmill, panting as pain shoots through my sore, bruised ribs. I run until I can’t breathe, until the pain is so unbearable that I am forced to stop. I take my towel and wipe it over my face as I get off the treadmill and make my way toward the locker room. I walk in and immediately I’m assaulted by Kendric sitting on one of the long benches with a woman straddling him. A woman who works here.
She’s got her hands in his hair and they’re making out in a pretty hot and heavy way. His hands are under her shirt, running up and down her back, and she’s moaning every few seconds as they kiss like they’re the last two people on this planet and it’s about to explode. I clear my throat and the woman moves quickly, launching off Kendric’s lap. He makes no attempt to hide the throbbing erection straining in his workout shorts. It’s impressive, I won’t lie.
The man is hung. That much is abundantly clear.
“I’m so sorry, Zariah,” Carly, the personal trainer, tells me with rosy red cheeks. “I thought we were alone this morning ...”
“I’m sure you can find somewhere else to make out. It’s unprofessional,” I mutter, walking over to my locker and taking out my things.
I duck down the side and wipe myself clean as I take off my sweaty top and pull out a clean one. I’m certain I’m alone until I feel a presence come up behind me. I spin around with a small gasp and see Kendric standing, his eyes on the massive black bruise on my ribs. When he looks up at me, I see the kind of rage in his eyes that I’d expect from a father who has just learned their daughter is being beaten. He looks like he’s going to bust a top.
“Who did that to you?”
His voice is demanding and comes out like a whip.
“I’m a cop, Kendric. It happens a lot.”
I turn but he grabs my arm to stop me. I immediately freeze, an instinct I can’t seem to get myself to stop doing. My spine straightens, my knees lock, my body goes stiff as a board, and my brain goes a little foggy. Kendric immediately lets me go and it takes a few minutes for me to gain some composure. A few minutes too many, it would seem.
“Who. Is. Fuckin’. Hurtin’. You,” he growls, his voice so lethal I shudder.
I glance at him again. “I fell on duty, Kendric. It happens.”
“You’re fuckin’ lying to me.”
“My business is none of yours,” I snap. “You and I both know how you feel about me, so why you suddenly care about what’s happening is beyond me. Go back to rubbing yourself against your little lady out there and leave me the hell alone.”
He steps closer but is careful not to touch me. His breath tickles my ear as he growls, “You’re so god damned mouthy and fuckin’ strong when it comes to me, yet when my hands were on you, you froze up. Seen women freeze up like that before, seen my own mother do it. I know exactly what it looks like when a woman is bein’ abused. You got a fuckin’ man that is abusin’ his rights, and I want to know who that man is. When you’re ready to tell me, I’m goin’ to listen, and I’m goin’ to make him wish he was never fuckin’ born.”
With that, he steps back.
My heart is in my throat as I look to him. I know he can see the pain in my eyes. His words affected me in a way I wasn’t expecting. I feel the pain inside wanting to explode out, the memories wanting to shoot forward so he knows exactly what I’ve lived through. He holds my eyes and something shoots between us, a feeling I’ve not felt around a man before. Safe. I can feel the safe space he’s creating for me, and I want to throw myself into it.
But I’m terrified.
I look away, grab my things, and rush out.
Only when I get to my car do I slam my fists onto the wheel over and over again as agony rips through my soul.
God damn me for being so fucking weak.
God damn it all.